What Was it Like? ©2004 Star24

Disclaimer: Don't own them and certainly don't make a profit of any kind from this.

Spoilers: From Dead Man Talking through the Season Finale. Not sure where exactly this is going but I can't believe Kate could really be as cruel as she's come across since DMT…

Chapter One: Bite Your Tongue

"What was it like, tonguing a guy?" The words rang in her ears, repeating themselves over and over, just as the look of hurt surprise that had flashed in Tony's eyes before he turned away from her, played back on her eyelids when she closed her eyes in a vain attempt at sleep.

"What was it like, tonguing a guy?" The words had seemed to echo in the air as she turned away from Tony to meet the shocked and disapproving stares of Abby and McGee. She had quickly turned away from them to Gibbs, expecting to receive a kindred blast of ice from his steely eyes. Instead she had seen something that almost looked like sympathy. She muttered some kind of excuse and fled the office, punching at the elevator button, jumping into it as soon as the doors opened, and quickly pressing the button for the ground floor.

Now she tossed and turned in her bed, unable to get away from the sound of her own voice doing the unforgivable. She had kicked a team member when he was already down. Stuck a knife in the back of one of her own. Tony's eyes floated in the darkness above her and she groaned. She turned on her stomach and buried her head under her pillow as if she could shut out the sight and sound that way. It was useless and she finally gave up and climbed out of bed. She stumbled groggily into her living room and dropped onto her sofa. The telephone on the stand nearby seemed to exercise a magnetic pull. Maybe if she called Tony…

And what will you say, Kate? Oh hi, Tony, I just wanted to call you at three in the morning to say I'm sorry I was a bitch to you earlier? That's gonna go over real well.

Even as she thought that, she was dialing Tony's number. The one she remembered from her emergency contact form. Even as she told herself that she was being an idiot, the phone was ringing. Once, twice, five times. With a sense of relief she started to put it down, but there was the unmistakable click of someone picking it up and then Tony's voice, groggy with sleep, came across the line.

"Dinozzo, here. What's the emergency?"

Kate sat there paralyzed, unable to make herself answer.

Tony's voice sharpened as he came more awake, "Who's there?"

Kate forced herself to speak, her voice coming out softer than she intended. "It's…Kate."

There was silence on the line and for a moment Kate thought he had hung up on her. "What's up? Gibbs wants us to meet him where, to do what that can't wait until morning?" His voice was weary, a result of his ordeal with Voss she supposed.

"Nowhere…I mean it isn't Gibbs…there's no case…" Kate fumbled.

There was another silence. Then a heavy sigh. "Kate, its three AM and I was asleep. If there's no case why are you calling me?"

"I was…out of line earlier. What I said… I mean…I didn't mean it to come out that way…" Kate floundered around and finally stopped.

Tony laughed. Not his usual hearty chuckle but something harsh and humorless, "Did you say something to me? I had the world's worst headache from being hit on the head with a beer bottle, so I guess I must have spaced when you were talking to me. Now can I go back to sleep?"

Kate paused. Tony's words didn't ring true. She knew damn well he had heard. It seemed he was going to play dumb over it. "Yeah sure, Tony. I'm sorry I woke you up. I just didn't want you to…"

"Lose sleep over some comment you made to me? You've made it more than clear to me what you think of me all along, Kate, so why should it bother me now? We work together that's all. You do your job and I'll do mine and that's it. We don't need to be best friends."

It was Kate's turn to sigh. "Yeah, right. Anyway… see you in the morning."

She was answered by the click of the line disconnecting.

Damn you've done it now. He did hear and that was just the perfect example of the freeze out. He's not going to make it easy for you.

Kate walked slowly into the office the next morning. A quick glance confirmed that Tony was already at his desk, involved in something on his computer. A game probably, given that it was early and Gibbs wasn't in yet. He had to have heard her dropping her purse onto her desk and then pulling open the drawer to get her gun, but he never looked up; didn't give her his usual cheerful greeting.

Kate sighed as she booted up her own pc and began to scroll though her email. The silence continued as she read through the usual bulletins about procedures and policies that cluttered her inbox daily. She heard footsteps approaching and glanced up to see Gibbs standing there between her desk and Tony's. His usual cup of coffee was in his hand and his face was inscrutable as he looked at his two junior team members.

He raised his eyebrows, "Your head still hurting, Dinozzo?"

Tony looked up from his computer, "No, boss. Why'd you ask?"

"I've never seen you so quiet unless there's no one around to talk to, is all." Gibbs seated himself at his desk and glanced at the computer that was silently running the face matching program, searching for the terrorist who had held half of his team hostage several weeks earlier.

Tony glanced over at Kate and shrugged, "Nothing to say this morning, I guess."

The look on Gibbs' face made it clear he wasn't buying that for a minute but he let it pass. "What've you got for cases, Kate?"

Kate jumped, startled by his sudden switch of attention to her. "Nothing so far, Gibbs. Just the usual bureaucratic drivel that we get every day."

Gibbs grunted and turned to answer his ringing phone.

The next few days were a nightmare for Kate. Tony was definitely freezing her out albeit subtly when Gibbs was around, and not so subtly when he wasn't. The "you don't really believe you still look twenty-five" comment had stung, not so much the words themselves, but the fact that it was Tony saying them to her. Tony, who had never before teased her in a way that was anything but harmless fun. Annoying maybe, but never comments intended to make her bleed.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Gibbs had let him go off on his own to tail a potential serial killer and sure enough, Tony had fallen victim and gone missing. All Kate could think of the entire time Tony was gone, were her words to him. Guilt ate at her as she wondered if one of the reasons Tony had been so hot to go after Sacco alone had been because of her actions. And if Gibbs had known that and that was why he had let him go.

But then they found Tony. Tony unarmed and facing a psycho holding a gun on him. Tony making himself a human shield between said psycho and the Marine she intended to kill. It had all been a blur to Kate from the moment they saw what was going on and Gibbs said to her "if you think she's going to shoot take her out." She vaguely remembered firing her gun and missing even as Tony disarmed the woman and spun her to face them. Vaguely remembered a silent drive back to NCIS HQ with Gibbs behind the wheel and Tony in the front seat. Vaguely remembered riding up the elevator standing behind Tony and Gibbs, as Tony pushed Gibbs for some acknowledgment that his team leader had been worried about him.

She wondered why she couldn't seem to find the words to tell Tony that she had been worried about him and that she was glad he was back in one piece. But one look at his face and the distance he had recently put between them stopped the words in her throat. Abby had no such compunctions, rushing up to Tony and hugging him, and then proceeding to scold both him and Gibbs for sending him out alone. Kate sighed and turned to her paperwork, wondering how and why things had gotten to this state.

She looked up to see Gibbs watching her, that knowing look in his eyes once again. She frowned, wondering what it was he was thinking, and then shrugged and went back to her work. Tony left for the night accompanied by Abby and McGee, and Gibbs wandered off, probably in search of Ducky to hold another of their brainstorming sessions on the terrorist. Kate closed her desk up, telling herself that all she needed was a good night's sleep. Then the next day she'd do what she had to, to mend her fences with Tony. Cheered by that thought she headed for home.