Lord of the Armors
By Caspian Nyghtvision
Part Three
A/N: Might be a boring chapter here, if you don't like exposition and short hairy people and all that. Sorry.
Pipeweed belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. You really have to wonder, don't you?
Rivendell belongs to same. Couldn't think of Ronin-verse equivalent, plus I just love Rivendell. J
Ronins belong to Bandai.
Peter Jackson is the man who made the LotR movies.
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"One armor to rule them all,
One armor to find them.
One armor to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them."
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Uncle Hariel's Funky Little Hole
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Hariel wasn't exactly Ryo's uncle. He was more like a very, very distant ancestor, a few millennia old, though he still looked only slightly older than his descendant/cousin. His longish tangled hair was thick and black, and there were only slight crows-feet around his hazel brown eyes. The inhabitants of Toyama were pretty dense, and they couldn't remember just how long Hariel had been with them, but they knew that something was up with that.
Hariel had forgotten how old he was, but he never missed a birthday, so he'd decided that this year he was Eleventy-One, mostly because nobody had any idea what the heck Eleventy-One meant, but also because he liked the sound of it. Very random.
He went to answer the knock at the door.
"Hariel! Verily wobbles the basilisk's eyebrow!"
"Ancient One! You came!"
They embraced. In a manly fashion, of course.
Hariel stood back from his old friend and looked him up and down. "Ancient, it's been too long! It seems like centuries since you dragged me off on that last pointless adventure of yours!"
"Ah. Which?" The Ancient might have been confused, but it was hard to tell with the hat.
"Oh, you remember, the one with the great bloody dragon and all those annoying short hairy people? We had lots of fun rampaging across the countryside, whacking random demons with swords?"
"Ah, yes, that one. Well, actually, it's been centuries since that one. Sponges may sponge, but sponges that explode never absorb again. You don't look a day older than you did back then."
"Oh, well," Hariel said dismissively, "Fresh air, er, lots of Nachos, plenty of soccer, a nice quiet life. Keeps you young, I guess." Changing the subject quickly, he said, "Oh, and you've still got your stupid hat."
"Yep. And my staff. And the weird little purse around my neck." The Ancient jingled his staff. "Like the sentient barking snail, I keep my purse closely!"
Hariel blithely ignored this; most people learned to tune out the Ancient after a few centuries of knowing him. "Good, good. Come in, sit down, we've got a lot to talk about. Have some tea?"
"It is also said of sponges: when spilling tea, they will wipe."
"Uh, that's... good. Sugar?"
"Two lumps."
They drank their tea while kneeling at a small table, in keeping with the plot's rather desperate attempt to create a Japanese 'feel.'
"Look, Hariel, would you mind a bit of pointless exposition here?"
"Not at all!"
"Right." The Ancient pulled out a pair of sock puppets and began acting out the Lore of the Armors for the benefit of the readers. "Hariel, you remember Spiffy the Pink and Gary the Grey, right? Good. A long time ago there were nine armors, and a bad poem was written about them. But Talpa created the Inferno Armor to control them, which he gave to his lieutenant Hariel-"
The man shifted uncomfortably and stared fixedly at the door hinge.
Gary The Grey Puppet continued in a reverent monotone typical of most weird history teachers. "--Who rebelled because the health insurance didn't pay for haircuts, and who led a Last Alliance of Long-Haired Men up the slopes of Mount Fuji to cast Talpa down. And there Talpa was defeated for the first time, though it was at the cost of Inferno, which fell into a river and drowned. And nobody cared, because it was far too confusing anyway, and looked rather corny."
Spiffy The Pink piped up, "And the people rejoice, and they did feast on lamb and carp and anchovies and pie and orangutans and fruit bats and breakfast cereals--"
"Ancient?" Hariel interrupted.
"and large chu-- What?"
"I know this already. I was there. Remember?"
The Ancient wiggled his sock puppets. "Exposition, my dear boy, the Backstory must be known."
"Couldn't it be made obvious in a few discreet paragraphs of description in the first chapter?" Hariel asked logically.
"No. And don't be logical. It interferes with the plotline."
"Yessir." Hariel went back to his doorhinge, still looking slightly embarrassed.
"Long have I studied the armors," The Ancient intoned, performing an Indiana-Jones-Like leap from one train of thought to another. "And long have I watched them, and wondered where Inferno had gone."
"Ooh, tell them about Yuli!" Spiffy squeaked.
"At the bottom of the riverbed, the armor waited…"
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FLASHBACK
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Two small, innocent children named Yuli and Usagi were playing in the river. Usagi was picking up shiny rocks when suddenly—
"Ooh, shiny." Usagi prodded the sparkly white crystal ball.
"Give it to me, I wants it," Yuli gurgled nasally.
Usagi looked at him oddly. "Why?"
"Because it's my birthday and I wants it, precious." Yuli's gigantic blue eyes took on a disturbing glint. Usagi didn't notice, because Yuli always had a disturbing glint. He was a master of the disturbing glint.
"Why?" asked Usagi again.
Yuli began to whine semi-coherently. "I wanna shiny armor--- nasty Usagi --- kill, kill, kill! Happy Birthday to Me… I wanna, I wanna, I wanna--"
"Why?"
"BECAUSE I WANTS IT!" Yuli whined, his voice reaching killer pitch and volume. Usagi keeled over dead, bleeding from the ears.
"Heh-heh… my precious." Yuli picked up the armor and scuttled off somewhere.
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End Flashback
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Hariel looked sick. "That was disturbing."
"It was meant to be. Now pay attention when the sock puppets speak! The dark Yuli-creature hid himself away in the dark basement of the YNYH… you remember the Young Netherspirit Youth Hostel, right, Hariel?" The Ancient's voice took on a slightly sarcastic tone.
"Yesss…"
"We spent the night there on our last Adventure?"
"Yes, yes…"
Gary the Grey looked at Hariel menacingly, which was no small feat for a sock puppet with eyes made out of halved Ping-Pong balls. "And then somebody – whose name we will not mention here – got separated from his group while looking for the showers, and got lost in the dark and endless basement. Desperate and thirsty, this anonymous person wandered for hours in the trackless labyrinth, losing his sense of direction and time… until he came to the Underground Kiddie Pool where the Yuli lurked, paddling about on a skateboard, catching frogs with his grasping hands and eating them raw… This person challenged the Yuli to a game of strip poker in exchange for finding the way out. Now, this Anonymous Person was very good at strip poker, and soon the Yuli was down to nothing but underwear. The Anonymous Person did not want to see the Yuli remove the underwear, and refused to play any more, demanding to be shown the way out. The Yuli began to whine and beg, offering to wager dead frogs and the half-rotten skateboard, until finally he agreed to wager his Precious; a glowing white crystal ball, which he had been using as a nightlight. The Anonymous Person was consumed with desire for the Precious and agreed to play one more game. He won it and managed to escape, with the Yuli's furious shrieks echoing in his ears – 'That bastard Sanada! We hates it, we hates it forever!'"
Hariel was pressed against the wall like a bug on a card, his handsome eyes shifting from side to side in feral terror. The Ancient pointed at him like the Angel of Doom.
"YOU! You're the Anonymous Person!! You've got the bloody White Armor, don't you?!" The Ancient screamed. The lights flickered and Hariel cowered.
"Eeeurr…" The man's eyes scuttled like cockroaches on drugs. "I don't know what--"
"Don't play games with me, man, it's right there on the mantelpiece!" The Ancient pointed, vibrating with annoyance.
Hariel's shifty eyes landed on the glowing white crystal orb on the mantelpiece. Note to self: Do not hide potentially destructive trinkets on mantelpiece. "Okay! Okay! I give up, I confess! I took the damned armor. But I did it because --- Ancient, I couldn't have left it there! Not with that creepy Yuli kid, and not when it was rightfully mine. I'd already lost it once!"
"Hah. The armor is already working its evil spell on you." The Ancient looked smug.
Hariel looked confused. "No it isn't, I just like it a lot."
"Like it a lot? Like-like? As in, your precious?" The Ancient prodded. "Nudge-nudge, hint-hint?"
"No, not really, it's just… you know, shiny, and, you know…" Hariel made vague motions with his hands. "And when you put it on, it's really quite sexy…"
"Hah!" The Ancient pointed like the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come.
"Stop going 'Hah,' all right? You're so damn annoying when you're smug. It's like whenever you do that whole 'dramatic, honorable suicide' bit of yours. Nobody can talk to you for weeks afterward."
"Let go of the armor," The Ancient snarled. "You don't know it, but it's responsible for your unnaturally long life, while it is paradoxically slowly sucking out your soul. Bwah-hah. Leave it here and move on. Why don't you head to Rivendell and enjoy the spas?"
"What? I can't just leave it here!"
"Give it to that nephew of yours."
"Ryo? He's not really my nephew. He's my great-great-great-great-great-great--"
"I don't care what the hell he is! Leave the armor here and go!" The Ancient took some random leaves out of his neck-purse, and rolled what looked suspiciously like a joint.
"I want to wait until my birthday," Hariel said reluctantly, hanging his head.
"No. That would use up too much valuable plot time. Besides," the Ancient gestured with his odd leaf-rolled object, "Verily, Peter Jackson cropped the idyllic but boring build-up scenes in the Shire to make room for his poncey androgynous blondes, did he not?"
Hariel was relieved; the Ancient seemed to be normal again. However, he'd better agree with everything, to be on the safe side. "Right, I'll do it right now. I'll sign everything over to my deadbeat sort-of nephew and go enjoy myself. You'll keep an eye on Ryo, right?"
"Three eyes, as often as I can spare them," the Ancient said blithely.
"Ancient, what have I told you about smoking the bloody pipe-weed in the house?"
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REVIEWER RESPONSES – Thank you all! And they're !TWO! !PAGES! !LONG! today!
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Jenlinkitty — I'm… glad. Thank you! I am definitely keeping at it, as you see… Here is a size 6 kangaroo, just for you.
angelbaby — Don't worry, darling, you'll see who Rowen is... Thanks very! Have a small yet fluffy squirrel-raccoon.
bluesoup – BLUE SOUP! (tackles you) Thank you for your review. I really appreciate it! I haven't forgotten that you reviewed 'The Lost Art of Wandering from Room to Room,' and I really appreciated it. I was too lazy to respond. Sorry. I appreciate your honest and constructive reviews. Here is your very own pair of weasel pliers – useful around the home, garden, office and battlefield! I love and admire when people give me suggestions, especially if they're as candid as yours. To answer your questions – I suppose it does ruin the moment when I stick myself in. I wrote the first chapters when I was considerably less mature as a writer, and I completely understand what you mean. Don't worry, you won't see any more of me that way. Anubis will work, I think; he won't be a total Aragorn, but he'll be close enough. Besides, I love the Warlords far more than the Ronins… You'll see who Rowen is… SaberStryke is the Witch King, I believe I mentioned that… I don't think I should put Luna and the Mad Scientist in, because I've never seen Gaiden, so I probably couldn't do them justice. Hariel floats my boat; I like him! Yes, I know he doesn't even exist, but doesn't he have a cool name? The Green Ghost Thingys? I think you mean the Dead. Yes, the Netherspirits can be those, too! Fun! (sigh) You want Nancy Legolas? You can have him. You want Nancy Seiji? You can have him, too. (packages them for you) That way, we don't need to worry. (grin) Here's your weasel pliers, mate.
Lli – Lli, I love you, you know that? (pulls out my own weasel pliers and helps you in re-enacting 'Dance of the Sugarplum Weasel Pliers.') I'm glad you liked my spiffy explanatory device! And it did look special, didn't it? I figured out how to do nifty word decorations, too. Bold, Italic, Underline! And here, have your socks back. Hee-hee!
Rogue Ronin – You are one of the loyalest people I know and I am glad it makes you happy. Hmm… Kento Kento Kento Kento!! (watches you blush in amusement) Hee! Kento Kento Kento!! (giggle) Kento will get lots of screen time for you. Catch you on the flip side. Ja ne.
kodachi1 – You know you're on the right track when you can get people to laugh at the character list. I'm so glad you're enjoying it so much. Well, here is more for you, I hope you can handle the wait. I really appreciate your review, and thank you muchly. (Grabs your hands and performs the Incredibly Silly Dance) I will keep up, if I can! (gives you some weasel pliers)
night angel – Thanks for your review! Cool! (cuddles and snuggles her copy of the One Ring) Thank you so much! I will love it and cherish it and name it "Pete." I will think of you whenever Pete and I are hiding in the soggy bushes, panting in terror as enormous mobs of flamers stampede by! Yeah, in retrospect, I should have put the cast list first. Think of the first chappie as the prologue, then, that entices you into reading the more boring cast list. Shh! You're not supposed to know about Faramir and Éomer yet! Though I'm impressed that you do. And I'm also impressed at the willingness to glomp Anubis. He is indeed a prince among bishies.
Cookie Monster II – CM, darling! How wonderful of you to turn up at this strange little party. I had no idea you liked Ronin Warriors. Most people have no idea. It's such an obscure, corny little show. Of course I remember who you are, I try not to forget reviewers. (Hides) Not the ruth! (joins in the shouting quite randomly) Thanks for all your reviews, and don't worry about not having the time and all that. I'm a pathetic reviewer myself. Come to think of it, I'm a pathetic updater, too. Sorry about that. (melts into small puddle) Bah, don't flatter me, I don't think I can handle it. Thank you so much, and thank you for the smilies! (pets them) I will see about the Ivory Files. You take care now.
Crazyroninchic – (points to you) So that's where I sort-of remember you from! Sorry about that, it's harder to connect the folk from Swiftgold with the usernames on ff.net. I'm glad you liked the character list! You're welcome for the response… And don't worry about being beside the point, I always am, and I haven't been killed yet. Look, a seagull! (wanders off)
GundamZero – (blinks) What, there are a lot of Ronin Crossover Parodies out there? Jeez, I should keep up. Thanks for your review, which I greatly appreciate. I also like your username. (pokes it) Here is your complimentary pair of weasel pliers. No need to bow, though I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Firestorm—Firestorm! Welcome! Yes, I've heard about you too from Rogue. On Swiftgold's site and to friends (i.e., generally everybody) I'm Caspian, but I'm C. Nyghtvision professionally. Sorry for the confusion. I'm glad the fic makes you laugh, and if you choose to read anything else of mine I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the review! Want weasel pliers? (clicks them hopefully)
Pyonchan – GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN! (stares at your review in awe) Another Ronin/Rings/Pratchett fan? Can it be TRUE? You automatically rock! (keeps staring in joy/bewilderment) Well. Ahem… I love your review, thank you for it! I love getting ones like yours. I'm impressed, quite frankly. And, ooh, I've got wit and style! Spiffy. Thank you! No, I'm not Pratchett, though people have accused me of that before. That, however, is one of the highest praises I could possibly get. I wish somebody else was writing this fic, because then I wouldn't have to do the work, but I'd get to see how it turns out. I hope you enjoy the story as it wobbles on. And yes, that is the essence of fanfiction. Thank you. Caspian Nyghtvision does not drink banana daiquiris, but she has read Terry Pratchett's and Neil Gaiman's author notes, and she figures what the hell. (grin) Weasel pliers, mate? Invaluable in the garden or battlefield.
░▒▓▲►▼◄☺☻☼♀♂♠♣♥♦♪♫łώζǻǽ؟٭╠╝╔╦╬╗Tra-la-la-lally…