Title: Beware! It's the dreaded Poofle.

Author: Heslestor

Disclaimer: Yes, the Harry Potter world and everything in it is mine. beeeeep Damn, I thought Sev said that this would work. Ah, well rips wires of lie detector off Perhaps I'll just have to try something different next time.

Summary: There is a single creature in the world that even the darkest of Dark Lords are afraid of. One happens to meet Harry Potter and decides to tag along with him. Yaoi, Time Travel, HPLM. WIP

Warnings: Copious amounts of humour, messing with characters heads, some language, parselsmut, spoilers for all books, games, movies, etc, sarcasm, cynicism, lots and lots of extremely screwed up pairings (whether they're permanent or not is to be seen), even more biting, or at least attempted biting and disturbed dark lords.

A/N: My first fanfic ever :D. If you don't like slash or anything that's labeled in the above warning, then bugger off, I have no time for fools who don't know how to use a simple button.

Chapter 1: The pink monster.

Icy drops of rain fell on the assembled group of Death Eaters and one Boy-Who-Lived. Blood from various wounds mixed with the mud below as the sky above seethed like a living thing. Winds whipped the cool droplets into the huddled water logged figures. The stinging needles transform a refreshing shower into a maddening experience. Any creature hapless enough to be outside in the storm's clutches was left perfectly miserable. Forks of lightning and the random lumos were the only source of illumination. Creating a strobe light-like affect and disorienting the ensemble.

Harry had no idea how he came to be in this situation. All he remembered was deciding to take a walk outside, since he was sick of endlessly pacing the common room. Unable to sleep from the visions and dreams he received from the Snake-Faced-Bastard made him restless. No matter how little energy he had, it was difficult, and grating, to stay still for long.

Occlumency, his arse, it has only been getting worse since his renewed lessons in his 7th year.

Wandering aimlessly around the grounds, safely tucked under his invisibility cloak, hadn't proved to be the solution he thought it would. So he then made the impromptu decision to take a leisurely strole through the Forbidden Forest.

One of the more foolish things he's done to date. Including the ones, he didn't like to admit to himself. Now he was regretting ever coming out at all. Why, oh why couldn't he have just settled in front of the fire with a nice pile of homework? That History of Magic essay sure was looking good from here.

It hadn't been such a bad idea at first. The animals never really bothered him anymore. Well, there was the occasional talking spider that still tried to eat him. Which, ever since 2nd year, whenever he was remotely to close anything hairy with eight legs; he had the untameable urge to squish it. A habit that Ron encouraged whole-heartedly and even participated in with gusto.

The night had been peaceful and dark for a full moon, wall clouds hiding all light. This was all before the onslaught of rain. Leaving perfect conditions for sneaking around the castle grounds undetected.

Walking around the forest and taking in all the sounds and smells of a thriving wild land meant he hadn't been paying attention to where he was going. Or how far from the castle, and the wards, he had gone. After moving around a particularly large tree, Harry and the Death Eaters literally ran into each other. Proceeding to where he was now; laying on the ground, bleeding, and wand twirling in the fingers of the closest Death Eater.

"Well, well, well. Can you imagine our surprise to find The-Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Die all alone in the middle of the Forbidden Forest? And to think, we had just finished a meeting when we stumbled across each other." The one holding his wand gloated.

Harry could recognize that aristocratic drawl anywhere.

Lucius Malfoy.

"What, you're not going to honour us with a greeting? It has been such an awfully long time since we've last seen each other." Lucius sneered, drawing laughs from the others. "I, myself, am positively delighted to meet you here. It surely is a pleasure, dear Harry."

"Aren't you a little too close to Hogwarts for comfort? Or have one too many Crucios rotted the few brain cells you lot had left?" Harry snapped back, turning their laughs into snarls. "And for your information, I'd rather drink bubotuber puss than be anywhere near you."

"Ohhh, is the poor wittle one not happy to see us?" A voice cackled to the right of Malfoy. "All of us have been sooo looking forward to meeting you again. Especially after that Ministry incident in 5th year." Here the cooing voice turned into a low growl.

"Now, now, Bella, be nice to Harry." Lucius said, as if scolding her. "He is soon to be a guest of honour in the halls of our Lord and he must be presentable."

"I'm not going anywhere with you mangy lot. So you can just take that plan of yours and shove it." Harry yelled, jumping up from where the ground.

"Unfortunately, the guest doesn't have a choice in the matter." Lucius said as he stalked toward Harry. "Besides, it would greatly disappoint our Lord it you were---"

"Chirrup."

Malfoy froze in mid-step as everyone went into defence mode. No one knew what the noise herald for them. And in this dark place, even the most innocent of sounds could mean an ugly death. Some of the Death Eaters looked around desperately, their inexperience showing. They wanted to identify the source so they could deal with it, take care of Potter, and get the hell out of here. Malfoy stared hard at Potter, thinking it was his doing. However, Harry just stood there, as mystified as the others and praying this would be his chance to escape.

After all was quiet, the Death Eaters brushed it off as nothing important. Malfoy had opened his mouth to speak again when he closed it with a snap, nearly biting his tongue. Hopping out in front of Harry and making a chirping noise was a creature that resembled a pink ball of fuzz. Everyone stared at the thing in astonishment as it took a good long look at Harry, antenna twitching in a questioning manner. Having no idea what it wanted, all Harry could do was gape back at it. A stare more piercing than a hippogryph's rooted him to the spot.

Apparently satisfied with whatever was found, it turned to look at the frozen Death Eaters. Staring at each like it had done with Harry. Unfamiliar with what it was, Harry wondered what the strange creature wanted, and hoped that it wasn't sizing them all up for a meal. Then all hell broke loose.

"Beware! It's the dreaded poofle!" One Death Eater shrieked and promptly ran away; face first, into a tree.

This caused a chain reaction: First, the Death Eaters running around like chickens with their heads cut off; Second, Malfoy roaring orders in vain; Third, Harry watching in confusion; and lastly, the poofle becoming more agitated with each passing second. Trying to puff up despite its wet fur, the poofle charged at the Death Eaters. This caused even more panic as the fearsome wizards ran away in terror from a big ball of pink fluff. Lestrange and Malfoy were the only ones who remained remotely calm. However, even they gave a wide berth to the poofle whenever it came near them.

Seeing his wand laying forgotten on the ground, Harry lunged forward and managed to seize it before anyone could stop him. Lucius saw this and quickly attempted to remedy the problem. Just as his fingers closed around Harry's robe, the poofle jumped between them. Fear flickered through his eyes as Lucius slowly backed away from it, ignoring Harry and everyone else. Other Death Eaters began to settle down somewhat and started to think rationally. Then they tried to attack Harry.

Keyword: tried.

Whenever one of the Death Eaters got anywhere near Harry, the poofle would leap between them and chase the offenders away. If they attempted to use a wand, the poofle would only charge them. This made the ones nearby scatter and sent the others nearby running. This created a slew of misfired spells. As magic flew through the air, colliding with one another, they had very strange effects on the surrounding environment. Take that pissed off duck in black robes, for example. Or, the purple talking tree that was clutching a Death Eater to its bosom.; telling him she would love, love, love him forever and ever.

"I think we may have run into a major problem here, Bella." Lucius whispered to her from their hiding spot behind a bush.

"Really, now how could you have ever guessed that?" Bella snarled as madness and anger flashed in her eyes.

"It's worse than you think. I'm afraid to admit."

"What! You, afraid to admit something? It could only be that bad if the poofle . . . wait . . . it can't be. Please say it isn't." Bellatrix pleaded desperation now the only emotion in her.

Lucius nodded gravely. "It looks like the poofle has Chosen Harry Potter. And you know what that means."

Bellatrix merely whimpered, looking around with wild eyes. "But . . . do you know how hard it will be to approach the brat now? Let alone kill him!" She snapped pacing around with jerky movements.

"At the moment, the only thing we can do is inform our Lord. He will not like this one bit, but it would be better if we told him first. Hopefully, he'll be more lenient once he learns why we failed. Now let's get out of here before we're bitten by that thing."

"But . . . our Lord will be angry and He shouldn't be. We're supposed to make Him happy." Bellatrix said to no one, a lost look on her face as she disapparated away. Muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'Bad Bella, we must punish ourselves.'

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Well, what did everyone think of my first attempt at fanfiction? Comments, flames, questions are all welcomed. Have any ideas you would like to see in this fic? Tell me and they may just show up in here. I need the ideas as my muses sometimes run dry on me for months at a time. I'd like to hear all your opinions on my story.

Heslestor