EPISODE #210 (IZFAS)
WRITTEN BY RASPUTIN BASED ON ORIGINAL CONCEPT BY JHONEN VASQUEZ
INT: TAK'S ESCAPE POD
We open up in a darkened, cramped, deeply claustrophobic interior of Tak's escape pod. Specifically, at Tak's tired, exhausted face. Her eyes are closed, her breath is still, and the lighting on her face suggests that she's been this way for quite a considerable amount of time. Then, after a good 15 seconds of scene-setting, the reflection of a computer screen appears on her face, along with some corresponding computer chatter. Her eyes remain closed as the computer reflection continues ticking away.
A direct shot at the computer screen reveals a list of calculations of co-ordinates in Irken running down the screen before clicking and transforming into a diagram of a nearby planet, with corresponding Irken symbols indicating important points, as well as numerous intervening clips of starcharts and a real-time view of the planet itself.
We cut back to Tak, who still has her eyes closed while the reflection continues to clip back and forth between various factors before finally clipping to an image of the Irken Corporate Logo and clipping further to what appears to be some kind of promotional video. The audio clips in and while the voice drones on Tak's eyes begin to open.
COMMERCIAL
Welcome one, welcome all to the sporting event of the season! I hope you got yer tickets ready 'cos this is gonna be one heck of a ride!
As Tak drearily views the screen, we cut back towards it, showing images of a CG'ed logo in Irken in front of a planet, apparently the one Tak's pod is approaching, before cutting to clips of SIR units engaged in all sorts of tasks like boosting, blowing stuff up, engaging in gladiatorial fights, and views of a large crowd in stalls and special floating booths cheering deliriously, all while the audio drones on.
COMMERCIAL
As it's time, once again, for the FIRST ANNUAL 48-HOUR SIR-A-THON! Promising thrills! Drama! Excitement! Things getting blown up a lot! And, of course, a chance to witness the equipment of the best of the Irken Elite in use for the first time ever!
We cut back to Tak for the next part, and as the audio continues we see her eyes narrowing and her rage palpably building up inside of her.
COMMERCIAL
And by the best, I mean the 32, the only, the INVADERS! The best in the Irken Army who will be there on the planet Olympia, IN PERSON, to see the best of Irken military engineering guided by those very select few who made the grade!
We again cut back to the screen, seeing the SIR units standing proud alongside their Invader owners.
COMMERCIAL
You have to be pretty darn talented to make this lot, and you can't help but admire these brave Irkens who do their very best to serve the Empire-
The screen shorts out as Tak buries his fist in the screen.
INT: ZIM'S BASE
Zim is staring, captivated, by the commercial on screen.
COMMERCIAL
So get in line and get to planet Olympia for the VERY FIRST ANNUAL 48-HOUR SIR-A-THON! DO THE EMPIRE PROUD!
ENDORSEMENT
This advertisement is brought to you by the Irken Cocoa Corporation. The Irken Cocoa Corporation takes no responsibility if you bash your skull on the monitor expecting chocolate to appear.
The screen goes blank. But Zim remains transfixed.
ZIM
Who do their very best to serve the empire! (Zim honks with glee) Eeeeheheheeee...
A sound of high-pitched shrieking permeates the chamber, distracting Zim for a moment. He ignores it for the longest time until his face collides very violently with the screen as GIR clings to his head.
GIR
HEEEELP MEEEE! SAVE ME FROM THE CONES!
ZIM
Ack! Get off of me!
Zim and GIR keep struggling until Zim manages to collect the effort to hold GIR by the neck and hold him in front of his bruised, exceptionally irritated face.
ZIM
WHAT!...do you want...GIR? (trying very hard to keep himself under control)
GIR
The cones! They follow me wherever I go! Don't let the cones eat my head! (looks down) AAAAAH! THERE THEY ARE! GO AWAY! AAAAH!
GIR begins kicking and screaming while Zim struggles to retain a grip.
ZIM
GIR! Stop this instant! They're just your legs!
GIR stops kicking and looks down at his legs with a newfound sense of wonderment.
GIR
Woooo...
ZIM
Now if you could just...
GIR
HI MISTER LEG! HI MISSUS LEG! YOU DON'T NEED BE SCARED NO MORE! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW! I wanna go show them the kitchen! That okay?
ZIM
GIR! Oh...we have a serious problem GIR. (sets GIR down, who continues concentrating on his legs. He brings one up and twiddles around with it with palpable delight, does the same with the other, and then tries it on the both of them, with disastrous results) I have been invited to a special Invader festival where SIR units compete with each other, however you do not seem of adequate intelligence to take part.
GIR
My legs betrayed me! I forgive you legs!
ZIM
As you can see. (turns back and starts rummaging amongst materials on the tabletop) But, it doesn't seem we have a choice. The contest starts tomorrow and I want to get there in time to get a good seat at the podium. The back seats are HORRIBLE. However, to ensure some degree of success, I propose that you, GIR, do EXACTLY what I say or else...(pulls out a large, novelty plastic duck while wearing a sinister grin on his face)...THE DUCK GETS IT!
GIR screams for an extended period of time before abruptly stopping and giggling.
GIR
Hehe...duck...
ZIM
Just come on!
Zim moves to exit the chamber with GIR in tow, who's looking down at his moving legs with unbridled fascination, continuing to walk on the spot while Zim stops in the middle of the chamber.
ZIM
Minimoose!
Minimoose appears from the rafters and peeps in recognition.
ZIM
Minimoose, I'm heading away with GIR for a few days, make sure no one enters while we are away, and if they do, be sure to inflict such pain as has never been inflicted in the history of pain. CAN YOU INFLICT SUCH PAIN?
Minimoose squeaks cheerily.
ZIM
EXCELLENT! Come GIR!
Zim exits the chamber with GIR, who's still transfixed by his legs.
EXT: ZIM'S HOUSE
The top of Zim's house opens and the Voot Runner heads off into the night sky. Dib's swollen head pops out of some nearby bushes in response.
DIB
Finally! Doesn't he EVER leave? Okay, time for infiltration. THE DEFENCE OF EARTH BEGINS...NOW!
INT: ZIM'S HOUSE
Dib jumps through a window, ready to punce forth until he stops short at the sight of minimoose, who squeaks in response.
DIB
What are you doing here?
Squeak.
DIB
Defending the base? What are you gonna do then?
Squeak.
DIB
I see, so you're going to inflict such pain as has never been inflicted in the history of pain?
Squeak.
DIB
Actually, that'd be quite impressive.
Minimoose promptly floats forward and bops Dib lightly on the nose. Dib doesn't so much as flinch, while Minimoose retains a blank look on his face.
DIB
Well, it WAS pain inflicted as had never been inflicted in the history of pain, I'll give you that much.
A long pause ensues.
DIB
So, uh, be seeing you then.
Dib climbs back out the window and scutters off. Minimoose peeps in triumph.
EXT: THE MASSIVE, IN ORBIT AROUND PLANET OLYMPIA
The Massive, along with a substantial chunk of the armada, and a vast amount of other craft that apparently act as transport ships, heading down towards the planet.
TECHNICIAN (O.S
We have achived orbit above planet Olympia!
RED (O.S
About time! Who would've thought a toilet break would last that long!
INT: THE MASSIVE
Red is standing upright and glaring at his technicians, while Purple is sitting comfortably, staring at the sports highlights on the monitor.
PURPLE
Hey, it wasn't my fault that you don't seem to trust the Massive's bathroom facilities.
RED
Those were VORTIAN-DESIGNED bathroom facilities! Who knows what they could have booby-trapped it with! Besides, people keep clogging up the pipes with tissue paper, that stuff COSTS y'know!
PURPLE
Relax, we're here already. AND KEYED-UP FOR EXTREME SPORTING ACTION! YEEEAH!
TECHNICIAN
INCOMING TRANSMISSIOOOON!...from an unidentified vessel off our port bow.
PURPLE
Awww...the extreme sporting actiooon...
RED
Just patch it through!
Tak appears on the screen, looking extremely exhausted after six months in a tube, and in a pod that's blatantly about to disintegrate.
TAK
My Tallest! I've reached you at last! None of my calls went through but after long...PAINFUL months of drifting, I'm finally home! Safe! Free! Now if you could...
PURPLE
Wait...wait...who are you anyway?
TAK
But...I'm Tak! Fearsome Invader! Scourge of the universe and all that! I contacted you six months ago about replacing Zim! You agreed!
RED
If it happened, I'm sure I would have remembered it...
PURPLE
No...wait...I think I remember you. You failed didn't you?
TAK
Well, yes. But he had allies! It was a fluke! I could try again, I'm sure!
RED
With what? You're not an Invader. You're stuck in a tube made from stolen parts. Technically you're nothing more than a fugitive janitor.
TAK
I'm much more than that! I've gone halfway across the universe on my own initiative! Surely that means something!
PURPLE
No, it just means you're a defective who refuses to see the facts. I'd blow you out of the stars right now if I could bring myself to care.
RED
I can! (presses button)
EXT: THE MASSIVE
A pulse leaves the Massive and explodes close to Tak's pod, sending it screaming towards the surface.
INT: THE MASSIVE
The Tallest are both giggling incessantly.
PURPLE
Oh you...
TECHNICIAN
INCOMING TRANSMISSIOOOON!...from a Voot Runner off our starboard side.
RED
A Voot Runner? But no one uses 'em anymore except...oh no.
The screen temporarily goes static as Zim appears.
ZIM
Greetings my Tallest! I have squeegly feelings inside me as I announce my GLORIOUS entry into this contest!
PURPLE
What are YOU doing here?
ZIM
I'm an Invader with a SIR, right? Well, here I am! Ready for the Irken Empire to bow down before the greatness that is ZIIIM!...and his robot. (he accepts the latter part only very grudgingly)
RED
Robot?
GIR appears on camera wearing a bee suit.
GIR
YEEEEEEE! I'M GONNA MAKE HONEY!
PURPLE
You can't join the competition!
ZIM
Why not? I'm an Invader with a SIR unit after all. Those are the rules.
RED
Ugh...FINE! You can attend.
PURPLE
WHAT? NO HE CA- (is muffled by Red)
RED
Just get out of our sight, will you please?
GIR
Honeeeey...
ZIM
Of course sirs! Anything to please my Tallest!
GIR
Last chance...
The screen finally goes blank and Red lets go of Purple.
PURPLE
But...but...CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! REALLY BAD STUFF!
RED
Get a hold of yourself! We can't go blurting out that he's not really an Invader NOW, we wouldn't know WHAT he'd do. He might've blown up half the fleet on the spot or something.
PURPLE
We have to get rid of him at some point!
RED
Just be patient. Besides, don't you have something better to do?
PURPLE
Oh yeah. EXTREME SPORTING ACTION! WOOOO!
RED
That's more like it.
EXT: TAK'S POD, ON THE PLANET SURFACE
Tak had been listening in all along via a link in her crashed pod. The planet's surface is grey rock below a dark sky, with plenty of lights in the distance. Debris is scattered around but the pod seems mostly intact. Tak's sanity, however, is something else.
TAK
I don't believe this. That half-wit gets a comfy place in an all-star tournament while I get the boot! (rips out the electronics in frustration and throws it towards the sky) THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING, TALLEST!
EXT: PLANET'S SURFACE, LONG SHOT
TAK
DON'T THINK YOU CAN PUSH ME AROUND FOREVER!
EXT: TAK'S POD, ON THE PLANET SURFACE
The look of extreme scorn gives way to a sudden realisation.
TAK
Mimi? MIMI?
Tak scrambles around the back of the pod to find a box, and she's relieved to find it intact. She opens it up, and we can see the disassembled pieces of Mimi still in functionary condition.
EXT: OLYMPIA STADIUM
Zim's cruiser is parked in a spaceport garage area, while a line of Irkens is congesting around a customs desk. Zim is busy arguing with the official while GIR zooms around, still in the bee suit, making buzzing noises.
ZIM
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
OFFICIAL
Okay, I've said it around seventeen times now.
ZIM
Eighteen.
OFFICIAL
EIGHTEEN times now, if you claim to be an INVADER, you have to go through a substantial series of checks. And you don't even have a robot.
Zim grabs onto GIR during one of his "flypasses".
ZIM
Ahem?
OFFICIAL
Bees don't count.
ZIM
GIR?
GIR pushes though the hood of his bear suit to reveal his gurning self.
GIR
I am the pixie queen y'know...
OFFICIAL
That's all well and good, but you're still not on the list.
Zim drops GIR to the ground, and the shock makes him start crying.
ZIM
But, how can the greatness that is ZIIIM not be on the list? Have you not heard about my INCREDIBLE exploits?
OFFICIAL
I'm a bureaucrat, I have no conscious thought of my own.
GIR has continued to cry until finally falling asleep and cuddling up inside his bee suit.
ZIM
I AM ONE OF THE GREATEST INVADERS THE UNIVERSE HAS EVER SEEN! NO ONE CROSSES ZIM AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
OFFICIAL
Well, it seems I'm gonna be a first, since you're not coming through.
Zim remains seething, and his eye even twitches a couple of times. Then, rather abruptly, Skoodge appears alongside him. Zim is rather taken aback.
SKOODGE
He's with me officer!
ZIM
SKOODGE? Shouldn't you be dead already?
SKOODGE
Well, it seems I just keep coming back doesn't it? I'd like to help you out, I mean you were so nice to me last time I thought I'd repay the favour!
ZIM
I threw you in a canyon.
SKOODGE
Aw shucks, I knew you didn't mean it!
OFFICIAL
Well, I'm sorry but you're not on the list ei...oh, wait, yours is the smudged one right here. Okay you're through! Sorry to bother you.
SKOODGE
That's okay!
ZIM
Inferior slime demon-thing.
Zim walks behind Skoodge, dragging a still-sleeping GIR behind him.
INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM
The structure is absolutely immense. It's not a stadium in the traditional sense, especially since it's almost impossible to even see the stalls on the other side. It primarily consists of seperate, self-contained stands, jutting out of the metallic structure, between which is many a complex obstacle course. The largest plinth is in the middle, which is presumably where the Tallest and the Invaders are seated. Zim and Skoodge are but termites compared to this structure.
ZIM
Wooooo. I get to sit in that?
SKOODGE
Ya sure do, just as soon as I can find an entrance. It's really hard to get a seat here.
ZIM
So you have your own SIR?
SKOODGE
I kept mine. It's the only thing that's kept me company during the long, painful periods of isolation and hopelessness. I call it Pudge!
Indeed, Skoodge has been dragging a SIR unit with him, distinctive by a large gash in its head. By its general attitude, it's obvious that the gash had achieved more than was expected. GIR, sans bee suit, takes an immediate liking to it.
GIR
How are ya Pudge? You wanna be pals? We could make pancakes together!
PUDGE
PUDGE DOES NOT LIKE PANCAKES! PUDGE THINK ROBOT STUPID! PUDGE ANTICIPATE MANY LONG YEARS OF HORRIBLE SUFFERING FOR ROBOT!
SKOODGE
Isn't it just loveable?
ZIM
Hah! Your inferior piece of machinery stands no chance against a truly awesome product of my own engineering as Zim's! GIR! Demonstrate your prowess!
GIR abruptly goes all red-eyed and salutes.
GIR
YES SIR!
GIR begins to stare evilly at Pudge, who simply maintains his original expression throughout. GIR increases the tenacity of his stare, then levels off, and eventually turns back to cyan and begins cowering.
GIR
Masteeer...he's all scary-like...
PUDGE
PUDGE LAUGHS AT GIR'S PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO SUBDUE ME! PUDGE IS NICE!
ZIM
Heh...(rubs back of head) it needs some practice...(grows increasingly uneasy, then points angrily at Skoodge) YOU WERE LUCKY!
Zim storms off, with GIR retreating from Pudge in the same direction.
EXT: OLYMPIA STADIUM
The number of visitors must be thinning, as the Official seems to be getting bored, leaning on his desk and letting his laser-pen dangle from its chain. His interest perks up as someone seems to be approaching. The Irken is relatively tall-ish, wearing an overcoat that dangles slightly to the back, as well as knee-length studded boots, but otherwise seems quite normal. He wears a badge declaring himself to be a parcel delivery man.
POST-MAN
I have a parcel for delivery to an...(checks notebook) Invader Tenn?
OFFICIAL
Ah yes, I think she was expecting one. Just sign these forms and you can get through.
POST-MAN
Uh-huh...(signs form) So what do you think of the competitors?
OFFICIAL
The Invaders? Couldn't say. They're so far beyond everyone else it's hard to make any assessments. Oh, and here...
POST-MAN
Okay...(continues signing forms) Don't think you could ever do anything like them yourself?
OFFICIAL
What? No! There's an order of things. You're given a place in life and you fulfil it the best you can. No one could just CHOOSE what they want to do, that'd upset the whole Empire!
POST-MAN
Uh-huh. Well, I guess it isn't healthy to think of these things is it?
OFFICIAL
I suppose not. Okay, you're all set! Have a nice day.
The Post-man leaves without a word, and the Official goes back to his own abject boredom. This carries on until he spies someone else approaching. Which on closer inspection seems to be a Post-man WHO LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ONE WHO JUST PASSED BY.
REAL POST-MAN
I have a parcel for delivery to an...(checks notebook, then looks back up to notice the expression on the Official's face) is something the matter?
The Official sits amazed for a moment, then turns around suddenly.
OFFICIAL
HEY! YOU! ST-
We can see the vague outline of Tak in her invisible holographic state as she buries her hand in the Official's face and sends his head through the desk. We don't see anything through the metal, but the splattering of green goo and the Official's twisted, twitching limbs indicate that he may not be getting up again. The Post-Man stands appalled, until a brief outline of Tak's eyes appear as a flash streaks across them.
TAK
You've seen nothing.
After those words, the outline disappears completely and Tak is nowhere to be found. The Post-Man stands dumb-struck, until he starts blinking and noticing the twitching corpse in front of him, and he keels over, screaming.
COMMERCIAL BREAK