Dracula: The Abridged Script
I was inspired to write this in part because of my wonderful friend Halia
and because of the hilarious abridged scripts over at The Editing Room (ter.air0day.com). So please enjoy, it's rather insane but I hope you like
it!
ANTHONY HOPKINS
So there was this dude called Gary, and he was a murdering bastard.
But he liked Winona Ryder, and all was good. But one day he got called off to war, because he was, in fact, a warrior. Then shit happened and Winona Ryder killed herself, and the guy drank blood
from a cross.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
THIS IS BRAM. STOKER'S.
Dramatic music increases.
DRAAACULLAAAAA!!
COPPOLA FANS
YES! We worship at your feet, oh holy master of light!
Ext. London, 18-something
GUY
So Keanu, you have to go find this Gary Oldman character, he's in this castle up on yonder hilltop region. He wants real estate or some other such
shit that is MOST incomprehensible. Jolly good.
KEANU REEVES Like, woah there dude. I have to go marry Winona Ryder? I can't go like, off to that like, place because like...Uh well, it's like my job? So like, I
should go.
(says another line)
WINONA RYDER
Oh Keanu, I shall miss you such! Look at how odd this is, that I was just that guy's lover and now I'm with Keanu some centuries later! How very odd
indeed!
KEANU
(says nothing, as is stiff as a wooden board from sheer lack of acting
skill)
WINONA
Goodbye, fiancé!
KEANU
Right on.
Ext. Spooky, scary, utterly creepy yonder hilltop region.
GARY OLDMAN
Velcome, to my huhmble hohme.
KEANU
Dude, this is all perfectly normal.
GARY
(drinks blood)
KEANU
Yup. Let's go talk real estate.
GARY
Yehs. Quvite.
KEANU
Um...yeah. So like, you ever got laid?
GARY
WHAAAAT?! YOU HAHVE INSULTED MY GREAT RACE OF DRACULS. THOU SHALT DIE.
KEANU
Woah there, like sorry dude.
GARY It's okay. Now that I see you have a picture of Winona, who looks like my
old loh-ver, you are on my good side.
THREE SMOKIN' CHICKS
(hiss and try to rape Keanu)
KEANU
Wait. Dude, I feel...Weird.
THREE SMOKIN' CHICKS
(try to suck Keanu's blood, showing fangs and such)
KEANU
Woah. Hang on there. That just ain't right.
GARY
(interrupts, looking exceedingly pissed off) WHORES! SLUTS! ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO RAPE PEOPLE! YOU HORRID BEASTS! (goes
and turns into a bat or something)
KEANU
OH THE HORROR OF THIS PLACE!
Int. Rich-looking living room.
WINONA RYDER
I shall now look at erotic pictures from the Arabian Nights.
(does so)
SADIE FROST I am an utter tramp who has nothing better to do because I am aristocratic.
FUCK ME, YOU THREE MEN!
The THREE SUITORS cluster around SADIE. One of these suitors is CARY ELWES. He serves VERY LITTLE PURPOSE.
WINONA
She is quite a little slut, but she's my bff, so I love her anyway.
Ext. Hedgemaze thing
SADIE and WINONA are running around the hedgemaze in the rain. This serves very little purpose.
LATER THAT NIGHT
WINONA SADIE HAS GONE INTO THE HEDGEMAZE WITHOUT HER CROSS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT. OH MY GOD!
GARY
(in the form of some monster thing)
Bwahahaha.
SADIE
(is possessed)
GARY
(rapes Sadie and bites her neck)
I HATE YOU, CUNT. FOR NO REASON.
(sees Winona)
...
(plaintive look)
WINONA
Dude, my bff is orgasming at nothing. CLEARLY SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.
LATER THAT WEEK.
SADIE
Help me, doctor suitor person!
(orgasms)
I'm turning into a vampire!
(orgasms again)
DOCTOR SUITOR
Er, yes well. I am quite turned on, but don't you know. I shall have to
call...VAN HELSING!
aNTHONY HOPKINS
Jolly good! It would appear, that Sadie is a vampire!
MEANWHILE.
GARY
Look, I am young again! And I'm rather okay looking!
WINONA
I kinda dig you.
GARY Yes well. Oh pity me, I have no reflection! Look a wolf! It is my friend.
(useless drabble)
WINONA
I kinda dig you but I don't know why.
GARY
(thinks about biting Winona, nearly does but then doesn't)
I can't do it!
WINONA
You were born in a palace by the sea.
GARY
A palace by the sea?! Could it be?
WINONA
Yes that's right! You rode horses, when you were only three!
GARY
Horseback riding, me?
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
GET BACK TO THE STORY.
WINONA & GARY
Right. Sorry.
GARY cries because Winona has gone off to marry KEANU, who during all this has escaped and is living with nuns who will somehow protect him from GARY. GARY is ugly again, because he is very UNHAPPY.
GARY
I HAVE CROSSED OCEANS OF TIME, TRYING TO FIND YOU! I HAVE SURVIVED THE
DEEPEST HELL, I LOOOOOVE YOUUU!
WINONA
(is somewhere else, marrying KEANU)
A whole bunch of shit happens involving exorcising SADIE, who is now a VAMPIRE and gets her head lopped off. But we don't care because WINONA has married KEANU!
KEANU
IT'S GARY! FUCKIN' SHIT MAN! HE'S HAUNTING ME!
WINONA
GARY? THAT GUY I STILL LOVE?
ANTHONY So Winona, basically you're a reincarnated version of Gary's old love back
in like, the 1300s.
GARY
(steals into Winona's bed at night)
I love you.
(plaintive look)
AUDIENCE
Awww.
WINONA
THEN I SHALL DRINK FROM YOU AND WE SHALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVVVAAAA!
GARY
Okay!
AUDIENCE
Woah.
GARY
No, I can't! I lahve you TOO MACH!
WINONA
Hey, your accent's back!
GARY
Why so it is!
Basically Winona's a vampire now, because she wants to live with Gary for all eternity.
Eventually the whole thing climaxes. WINONA kisses GARY when he is ugly, which apparently means a lot in Heaven, and he goes back to being young. He cries, dies, goes to Heaven, WINONA lops his head off, and she is happy because when she dies she'll go live with him for eternity.
KEANU Well like, this is crappy for me, dude. I don't get Winona! Shit, man. Not
cool.
GARY
HAHAHA, IN YER FACE, YOU LOSER!
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Well apparently the movie has ended.
(scratches head)
MY MASTERPIECE!
CRITICS
That sucked. You suck. Everybody sucks.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Ah well. Could've been worse. Dracula could've been Al Pacino.
CRITICS
That's true.
The end.
Um yes, apologies for the bizarreness of this whole thing. I'll love you if you review though. It means so much to me! Thank you! xoxo
and because of the hilarious abridged scripts over at The Editing Room (ter.air0day.com). So please enjoy, it's rather insane but I hope you like
it!
ANTHONY HOPKINS
So there was this dude called Gary, and he was a murdering bastard.
But he liked Winona Ryder, and all was good. But one day he got called off to war, because he was, in fact, a warrior. Then shit happened and Winona Ryder killed herself, and the guy drank blood
from a cross.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
THIS IS BRAM. STOKER'S.
Dramatic music increases.
DRAAACULLAAAAA!!
COPPOLA FANS
YES! We worship at your feet, oh holy master of light!
Ext. London, 18-something
GUY
So Keanu, you have to go find this Gary Oldman character, he's in this castle up on yonder hilltop region. He wants real estate or some other such
shit that is MOST incomprehensible. Jolly good.
KEANU REEVES Like, woah there dude. I have to go marry Winona Ryder? I can't go like, off to that like, place because like...Uh well, it's like my job? So like, I
should go.
(says another line)
WINONA RYDER
Oh Keanu, I shall miss you such! Look at how odd this is, that I was just that guy's lover and now I'm with Keanu some centuries later! How very odd
indeed!
KEANU
(says nothing, as is stiff as a wooden board from sheer lack of acting
skill)
WINONA
Goodbye, fiancé!
KEANU
Right on.
Ext. Spooky, scary, utterly creepy yonder hilltop region.
GARY OLDMAN
Velcome, to my huhmble hohme.
KEANU
Dude, this is all perfectly normal.
GARY
(drinks blood)
KEANU
Yup. Let's go talk real estate.
GARY
Yehs. Quvite.
KEANU
Um...yeah. So like, you ever got laid?
GARY
WHAAAAT?! YOU HAHVE INSULTED MY GREAT RACE OF DRACULS. THOU SHALT DIE.
KEANU
Woah there, like sorry dude.
GARY It's okay. Now that I see you have a picture of Winona, who looks like my
old loh-ver, you are on my good side.
THREE SMOKIN' CHICKS
(hiss and try to rape Keanu)
KEANU
Wait. Dude, I feel...Weird.
THREE SMOKIN' CHICKS
(try to suck Keanu's blood, showing fangs and such)
KEANU
Woah. Hang on there. That just ain't right.
GARY
(interrupts, looking exceedingly pissed off) WHORES! SLUTS! ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO RAPE PEOPLE! YOU HORRID BEASTS! (goes
and turns into a bat or something)
KEANU
OH THE HORROR OF THIS PLACE!
Int. Rich-looking living room.
WINONA RYDER
I shall now look at erotic pictures from the Arabian Nights.
(does so)
SADIE FROST I am an utter tramp who has nothing better to do because I am aristocratic.
FUCK ME, YOU THREE MEN!
The THREE SUITORS cluster around SADIE. One of these suitors is CARY ELWES. He serves VERY LITTLE PURPOSE.
WINONA
She is quite a little slut, but she's my bff, so I love her anyway.
Ext. Hedgemaze thing
SADIE and WINONA are running around the hedgemaze in the rain. This serves very little purpose.
LATER THAT NIGHT
WINONA SADIE HAS GONE INTO THE HEDGEMAZE WITHOUT HER CROSS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT. OH MY GOD!
GARY
(in the form of some monster thing)
Bwahahaha.
SADIE
(is possessed)
GARY
(rapes Sadie and bites her neck)
I HATE YOU, CUNT. FOR NO REASON.
(sees Winona)
...
(plaintive look)
WINONA
Dude, my bff is orgasming at nothing. CLEARLY SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.
LATER THAT WEEK.
SADIE
Help me, doctor suitor person!
(orgasms)
I'm turning into a vampire!
(orgasms again)
DOCTOR SUITOR
Er, yes well. I am quite turned on, but don't you know. I shall have to
call...VAN HELSING!
aNTHONY HOPKINS
Jolly good! It would appear, that Sadie is a vampire!
MEANWHILE.
GARY
Look, I am young again! And I'm rather okay looking!
WINONA
I kinda dig you.
GARY Yes well. Oh pity me, I have no reflection! Look a wolf! It is my friend.
(useless drabble)
WINONA
I kinda dig you but I don't know why.
GARY
(thinks about biting Winona, nearly does but then doesn't)
I can't do it!
WINONA
You were born in a palace by the sea.
GARY
A palace by the sea?! Could it be?
WINONA
Yes that's right! You rode horses, when you were only three!
GARY
Horseback riding, me?
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
GET BACK TO THE STORY.
WINONA & GARY
Right. Sorry.
GARY cries because Winona has gone off to marry KEANU, who during all this has escaped and is living with nuns who will somehow protect him from GARY. GARY is ugly again, because he is very UNHAPPY.
GARY
I HAVE CROSSED OCEANS OF TIME, TRYING TO FIND YOU! I HAVE SURVIVED THE
DEEPEST HELL, I LOOOOOVE YOUUU!
WINONA
(is somewhere else, marrying KEANU)
A whole bunch of shit happens involving exorcising SADIE, who is now a VAMPIRE and gets her head lopped off. But we don't care because WINONA has married KEANU!
KEANU
IT'S GARY! FUCKIN' SHIT MAN! HE'S HAUNTING ME!
WINONA
GARY? THAT GUY I STILL LOVE?
ANTHONY So Winona, basically you're a reincarnated version of Gary's old love back
in like, the 1300s.
GARY
(steals into Winona's bed at night)
I love you.
(plaintive look)
AUDIENCE
Awww.
WINONA
THEN I SHALL DRINK FROM YOU AND WE SHALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVVVAAAA!
GARY
Okay!
AUDIENCE
Woah.
GARY
No, I can't! I lahve you TOO MACH!
WINONA
Hey, your accent's back!
GARY
Why so it is!
Basically Winona's a vampire now, because she wants to live with Gary for all eternity.
Eventually the whole thing climaxes. WINONA kisses GARY when he is ugly, which apparently means a lot in Heaven, and he goes back to being young. He cries, dies, goes to Heaven, WINONA lops his head off, and she is happy because when she dies she'll go live with him for eternity.
KEANU Well like, this is crappy for me, dude. I don't get Winona! Shit, man. Not
cool.
GARY
HAHAHA, IN YER FACE, YOU LOSER!
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Well apparently the movie has ended.
(scratches head)
MY MASTERPIECE!
CRITICS
That sucked. You suck. Everybody sucks.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Ah well. Could've been worse. Dracula could've been Al Pacino.
CRITICS
That's true.
The end.
Um yes, apologies for the bizarreness of this whole thing. I'll love you if you review though. It means so much to me! Thank you! xoxo