Disclaimer: The Yugioh characters belong to Takahashi-sensei, and the Discworld characters to the incomparable Terry Pratchett. We have merely borrowed them for the moment.

Author's note: Sorry about the delay on this folks, that is entirely due to the 'efforts' of co-writer Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain (hey. Forty hour work week, karate, sleep, plus the fact I've got four stories on the go at once (including that one turning into one giant freakin' novel), what do you think my name is? Peter David?) and the fact that she could procrastinate for the Olympics. Also, any mistakes in monster names and powers are the fault of Silvershadowfire. Now that blame is cast, on with the story.

Black Hat and Tails

Seto awoke to the smell of… smell of things that weren't exactly familiar. Something cold and sticky lay against his cheek and a freezing wind worked its way up his coat to places he'd rather it not be cozy with. If this is still the Shadowrealm, someone is in very big trouble. A second thought occurred to him, right on the heels of the first. Mokuba?!

He opened his eyes, finding himself face to face with a rock, which wisely decided to get out of his way. Scrambling to his feet, he attempted to get his bearings.

Forest. Check. Rocks. Check. Cliffs: steep. Check. Reaching into his coat pocket he pulled out a sophisticated GPS scanner.

MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION! Followed a second later by HELP!

Help? That wasn't a readout this thing was supposed to give. And what was that about a malfunction? He'd designed the device to be able to find its way out of the Shadowrealm, if necessary, how could it be malfunctioning?

DON'T ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN At this, the unit promptly went dead.

I'm going to kill that useless Pharaoh twit for this. It could only be Atem's fault. If Seto ever got his hands on Yugi's other half again…

"…Gytha, you are a disgusting piece of baggage." Voices drifted up to him from around the trees.

"Sorry, Esme." The speaker didn't sound very sorry at all. She sounded drunk.

"I don't know why we have to come all this way up here just to…" This voice sounded younger, but with a tremolo behind it similar to Yugi's.

"I want to see what scared the Standing Stone so much that it's hiding out in my backyard, that's why." The first voice, the one you could break rocks over.

Standing Stone? Hiding out? If this was someone's idea of a joke, Seto had something to say to them about it. Not something nice either. After all, he didn't become head of Kaiba Corp by letting people push him around. [1]

He rounded a corner, straight into three non-Japanese women heading the other way. All of them dressed in black and wearing hats that looked straight off of a child's witch costume. Except that these were no children. Two were old enough to be his grandmother: one which looked precisely like a prototypical grandmother – all round and smiles, and emanating enough alcohol to burn down a small city – and the other one… if Seto had had a grandmother, this might have been it. Tall, slender, with blue eyes staring out like chips of ice. The third was young and fat, fatter than Judge Man, if such a thing were even possible. A planetoid rather than a person, quite possibly.

Currently they were walking three abreast, effectively blocking the way. The skinny one walked ever so slightly in front of the other two, confirming her status as leader. [2]

Seto drew himself up to full height, putting him on par with the matriarch of the group. Shortly before they collided, both sides stopped.

Clearly the women seemed to be expecting him to step out of the way. They said nothing, just staring at him as though he should be well aware of such a thing. And while normally he would have no problem letting a group of obviously mentally disturbed people continue unbothered, today was not a good day.

"Get out of my way, old woman." He leaned close, just to make sure she got the message.

There was a rustle of shrubbery as Agnes and Nanny each dove to the sides, to take cover in the bushes. Only Granny remained unmoved, which was fine with her.

"Excuse me?"

What did this rustic think he said? He was speaking English, wasn't he? "Get out of my way. Now."

The rustling grew louder as the other two worked to get deeper undercover. Something was going to blow here, and they didn't want to be around when it happened.

"Oh, excuse me." Granny looked straight into his eyes, not giving an inch. The scorn in the second word could have done serious damage to the unprepared. "I should have known better than to get in the way of such an obviously well dressed gentleman as yourself." Her tone clearly implied that expensive his clothes may be, but well suited to a trek in the thick woods they were not. And the way she said gentleman, put it on par – in her vocabulary – with the words 'useless, bloody tit'. "Tell me, how do you get your coat to stand up like that?"

What?! His eyes narrowed further. Nobody dissed the coat. "Are you stupid, old woman?"

The temperature dropped further, a difficult task in Lancre. "Does this hat mean anything to you?" Implicit in the tone were the words silly boy.

"Is it Halloween already?" asked Seto, with deceptive mildness.

Granny's eyes darkened. While Halloween wasn't a holiday practiced on the Disc, she had no difficulty figuring out the reference. "It means you might want to stand aside. Boy." This time she said it aloud.

Thunder rolled overhead, then realised it couldn't compete. Even the wisest of storms would wait until the drama below ended before moving in as an aftershow.

"I could buy you, sell you, and beat you in any way you might consider, old witch." [3] No way he was moving now, Kaiba Seto didn't back down from anything as simple as this.

Neither did Granny. "Oh? I reckon that could be considered a challenge, young man."

A distinct sound like somebody praying emanated from the bushes[4].

"Well, I reckon it probably could." Swords could take lessons in sharpness from Seto's sarcasm.

Unless she was using it, Granny considered irony something to be found in nails. "What are you challenging me to, then? A battle of wits? A little short-handed, aren't you?"

Had they not been so focussed on each other, they would have noticed the trees themselves pulling back from the confrontation, until finally they created the perfect out-door duelling ring.

All right, this woman was going down. He chose the one thing he knew no one could beat him at. [5] "I challenge you to a game of Duel Monsters."[6]

"How do you play that, then?" She asked it not as a curiosity, but almost as though it was a waste of her time.

Hardly surprising that this ignorant crone hadn't heard of the game. "It's simple." He smiled. [7] "We summon monsters and lay traps to destroy each others' life points."

"Oh. That game." Granny softened, slightly. "How about we play nice about it? First one to bleed, or beg for mercy loses."

Seto had no intention of begging for mercy. "Deal. Do you have a deck?"

"Deck?" Granny looked puzzled. "What do I need a deck for? This isn't anything like Cripple Mr. Onion is it?"

For the first time, Seto felt a glimmer of uncertainty. "I've never heard of that game. But how are you going to play Duel Monsters if you don't have a deck?"

"Well, I'll tell you what, young man. You go ahead and use your deck, and I'll play my way, how's that?"

Clearly the woman was senile, but Seto wasn't going to pass up a gift like this. The minute she saw even the first of his creatures, she'd be the one begging. "Deal. I'll go first."

He slapped his deck into the duel disk, a bit relieved when it set itself. After the incident with the GPS, he wasn't too sure that it would. He drew the first five cards. "I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered, in attack mode!"

..............................................................................................................................................

Greebo was annoyed. Not only had all the small creatures of the woods gone well to ground, but it seemed that all the local wolves were holding a convention. Somewhere on the far side of Copperhead Mountain. Not only that, but he'd just been trampled by a herd of fleeing grizzlies. He'd tossed one of them over a cliff, but that had done little to assuage his anger. Up ahead, a strange voice drifted from the trees.

Perfect. Someone new who hadn't heard of him. Nanny Ogg's cat was famous for miles, especially with the local fauna. New people, however, there could be sport in that. He stalked forward, eyes fixed on the floating tail of a white trench-coat…

"I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered, in attack mode!"

Greebo took one look, saw Granny across the oddly new clearing, and stopped dead. He'd faced down bears, vampires, trolls, and elves, but there was no way he was going to argue with Granny when she was cross. While discretion may be the better part of valor, Greebo understood intimately that angry Granny was the better part of unspeakable horror. Better to leave and ensure that Tomorrow really was another day.

..........................................................................................................................................

Granny didn't even blink as a nine foot tall pink and blue creature exploded into the clearing. Long, sharp claws extended from its fingertips as it stretched out its neck and growled at her, exposing rows of needle sharp teeth.

"Impressive."

"Thank you." Seto didn't allow his newfound worry to show on his face. He'd been expecting the usual hologram, but his creature was as real, more real, than it would be in the shadowrealm.[8] Where am I? On the other hand, philosophical questions just got in the way of the match. He selected a second card, laid it face down on the disk. "And that ends my turn."

"Hmn." Granny frowned, thinking. "I think I'll summon…" Her lips began to form a word, something that could easily handle a metal creature.

"Don't you dare, Esme." Dangerous as things were, some things just weren't permissible in Nanny Ogg's books. "Our Jason is staying right where he is."

"Fine, then." Granny waved her hand, and a large eagle flew down. Large is merely a description; Lancre eagles tend to defy any words further. While gigantic could potentially be substituted, or possibly even enormous they somehow failed to completely capture the situation. The fact that this one arrived carrying a screaming, squirming man seemed of little consequence.

"You might have considered letting him go, first." Granny admonished. "I don't think you're part of the game, Hodgesarrgh."

"Sorry." Hodgesarrgh[9] extricated himself from the eagle's clutches. He'd claim it back later when Granny was done. What she wanted one of his eagles for was none of his business, and he doubted anyone else would be stupid enough to try and take it on the way back.

Seto stared at the eagle, trying to place it. Skull Redbird? No this thing looked far scruffier and nastier than that. "Is that in attack or defence mode, madam?"

"You'll have to ask it, not me." Granny responded with a tight smile.

Oh dear. This wasn't quite turning out how Seto had imagined. And it was only the first play. "Well are you going to attack?"

Granny said nothing. The eagle, however took off with a horrifying scream. Seto almost allowed himself a smile of victory before he realised that the creature was just getting altitude for a fast dive. Claws extended, the bird smashed into Ryu-Kishin Powered as though the monster were made of papier-mâché.

"Oh, dear. It seems your creature is having a little trouble." Ryu-Kishin Powered wriggled futilely as the eagle began to tear pieces off. Seto stared in horror. Most battles weren't this horrifically realistic. Catching himself, he snarled. He wouldn't let this old bat get the better of him! He pulled another card out of his deck and smiled.

"I summon X-Head Dragon in Attack Mode!" A creature that looked like a cross between a jet plane and a dragon appeared before him. "Destroy the…" he paused, not knowing the 'monster's' name. "That eagle!"

X-Head fired at the eagle, which took off again, heading – Seto presumed – for safety. Oh well, retreat was as good as surrender.

"My, we are clever." Granny spoke with such mildness that it was clear that she was impressed. Slightly. Dragons weren't common on the Disc, they'd left long ago. "I think I'll call…" a slow smile spread across her lips. "Something."

Probably her equivalent of placing a card face down. Seto didn't worry, mystery was all part of the game. However, no sense wasting X-Head just yet, if she had a trap in mind. Especially since… he pulled a card from his deck, stared at it. This was too good. "I play one card, face down, in attack mode." No sense letting her know what he was up to.

Granny nodded. "Go ahead."

What, no move? This old woman was either stupider, or trickier than he'd thought. He pulled his next card. Holy… the witch was dead now, unless she had a seriously powerful trap waiting. No way she could be prepared for this.

"I summon Y-Head Dragon, which when combined with X-Head Dragon Cannon and Z-Head Tank," he flipped over his hidden card, "creates XYZ Dragon Cannon, with 2800 attack points."

Granny smiled. "Come on out, boys." A scream erupted from the woods as nearly a hundred tiny men came charging out of the undergrowth. Their hair was red, and their bodies were so heavily tattooed that they appeared entirely blue. "I think the Pictsies might be interested in him."

The pictsies swarmed the hapless dragon, scrambling up onto each of the heads, tying down the wings, binding the mouths shut, and then – inexplicably – headbutting the poor creature. Then four – Seto counted, only four – of them lifted the dragon from underneath and ran off with it. How the… she couldn't do that… no way could a little… It was like Yugi's trick with Kuriboh. Little…

And now he was left with no monsters on the field. His only comfort was in the fact that hers seemed to have left too, after claiming their prize.

Seto pulled a card, fumed. A trap card, a simple dispel. Oh, well. He slid it into place anyway. She might try using magic at some point [10]. "Your turn, madam."

Granny stared at him, said nothing. Then it began, a low tuneless humming that grated on the nerves. Broken only by the occasional 'tch, tch, tch.' It was enough to drive a man mad. Then… was she cleaning her ear? She'd just inserted her pinky finger into her ear and was twisting it around…

Seto bit down hard on his lip, trying not to say anything. He was used to a fast moving game; he was used to people who could make decisions. Sharp white teeth cut into skin, a small solitary drop of blood welled to the surface.

The world sighed, the trees slowly began to creep forward. Granny nodded her head once, a gesture of respect.

"Well played."

For Seto it took a moment to realise he had lost. Not due to weaker play, or the luck of the cards but… "First to bleed or beg for mercy wins." She beat him at his best game, the head game. How…

Nanny came over, patted him consolingly on the arm. "Don't worry about it, young man. You just need a little more practice."

Footnotes:

[1] Especially not into strange locations. In the woods. Without a skyscraper in sight. Someone was going to pay for this. With interest.

[2] Because, though by definition witches are all leaders and no followers, with maiden and mother already spoken for, Esme Weatherwax found herself forced into the position known as 'the other one'. Also, while technically leaderless, witches do recognise the voice of absolute authority when they hear it. At which point they agree that it was their idea too, so we might as well carry it out.

[3] Even Seto had to figure it out eventually. He just didn't know he had.

[4] Witches don't believe in gods, they see too much of them. However, the words went along the lines of "Granny, please don't do anything stupid. Please, please, please, don't do anything stupid, Granny." Agnes knew stupid when she said it, but felt she should grovel for Seto anyway.

[5] Well, Yugi, but that was only a matter of time.

[6] Fortunately he didn't say 'Magic and Wizards'. Granny liked wizards and their magic even less than she liked losing. Which was to say, not at all.

[7] Or at least his lips curved.

[8] This is because the magic in Lancre tends to be quite dense. Which is why an experienced Lancre witch is very, very careful when she crafts her spells. She doesn't want them to be misunderstood.

[9] Hodgesarrgh acquired his name due to his position as Lancre's Royal Falconer. His birds loved him, often for breakfast. When someone asked his name, the usual response was "It's HodgesARRGH…" He was generally forgiven his bluntness and lack of manners.

[10] What Seto failed to grasp was that up until this point Granny had only used magic. It's all in your point of view.