Title: I Won't
Pairing: SaeFuji
Rating: PG
Summary: Fuji reflects during the match between Rokkaku and Seigaku at the Kantou semifinals
Genre: Drama
WC: 1723
Disclaimer: So NOT mine.
Sequel to "I Will"
Warning/Note: for those who read "I Will" and were hoping for a happy sequel… *bows deeply* I'm sorry a thousand times! =[ But it's not a very happy sequel. I don't write very much fluff, and I can never bear to break up my favorite pairings – which SaekiFuji isn't one of. I'm sorry!
-~-~-~-
Saeki… you're here. It's hard to think, even though this time, I knew you'd be here and had been preparing to see you all week. How many years has it been? Two, three? I don't remember anymore.
I was shocked that time we met in Chiba. I mean, I knew you'd be there – in that beautiful city by the sea, that is. But for such a chance meeting, on a single street, because Echizen happened to meet Oji… that was rather unexpected, wasn't it? And your captain, Aoi Kentarou. He's quite a character. Accusing us of surrounding Oji with malicious intent. I didn't even recognize Oji – has it really been that long? He hasn't really changed though. When we went home that day, I went back through my albums of those times – he looks almost the same. Rather, I suppose, I was the one who changed.
I was the one who forgot.
But I didn't forget you. No, no matter how hard I tried to forget Chiba, I just couldn't forget you. You've grown. We were both so small back then, weren't we. And yet, you always looked out for me. Whenever others picked on me for looking girly, you always stood up for me. Like how I'd stand up for Yuuta. Yea…that's what you were like to me – you protected me almost like an older brother, even though we're the same age. I can stand up for myself now; aren't you proud of me? Back then, you were one of my few friends. You were one of the few innocent enough to ignore my prodigy title and see me for me, not as the prodigy to be feared and respected, teased if nothing else, but definitely not befriended. I loved you for that, did you know?
Yea. That was why we moved, actually. My parents were afraid that I'd be hurt in Rokkaku, by those jealous of me and my supposed gift in tennis. You know, I would've given all that up if I could've just stayed with you. But we couldn't, I couldn't. I was born with this … this gift? No, more like a curse. I hid it inside most of the time, hid it behind a smiling face and closed eyes. But you knew that too, didn't you. You knew everything about me. After all, that's what best friends are for, right? And that's what you were to me. You were my best friend. My most important person. (1)
That's why, when Mom and Dad talked about moving, I cried. It was the first time I remember actually crying, but I did. I didn't want to leave Chiba. More importantly, I didn't want to leave you. That's why I didn't tell you – I was trying so hard to make believe that it wasn't real, that we weren't really moving to Tokyo. But make believe is as fake as my smile, is as useless a defense against the real world as my smile is against you. And that time we played, that last time, when I beat you in singles… my heart broke that day, right when I broke your serve. Did you know? Could you see? You usually could see when I was hurting… but I usually didn't try to hide from you.
Saeki.
When we drove away from Chiba… Yuuta asked me if I was really that happy to be leaving. I still remember staring at him in complete shock. He was still little then, and didn't quite comprehend the concept of moving away. Apparently he thought I was crying the oft-heard of "tears of joy". He said that Tokyo must be a wonderful place, and Seigaku an amazing school, if I was that happy to be going. That was when Yuuta still looked up to me, also, when he still loved me as his older brother.
My world fell apart when I first attended Seigaku. I tried to forget Chiba, to forget you, forget everything about that time. It hurt a lot, you know, wearing the Seigaku uniforms instead of the Rokkaku ones. I remember you were so excited about the Rokkaku jerseys. I really did want to wear that, wear it with pride, with you. I did all right my first year. I suppose because I made some good friends. Kikumaru Eiji and Tezuka Kunimitsu… two very different, yet very important people to me. Eiji could always make me smile – for reals, just because of how happy he always was – and Tezuka was always there, strong and silent, when I just wanted company. I guess my first year, I got closer to Eiji, because with him, I could just laugh and be happy, and at least for awhile, I could forget, and pretend our time together had never happened. At least for awhile, I could pretend that I'd been in Tokyo all my life, and that Chiba had been the dream.
But then, my second year… Yuuta came to Seigaku. And he… I never knew, Saeki. He always looked up to me, always respected me. I never knew he resented me. Did you resent me? Did you resent me that day I beat you, and left you? Yuuta… he transferred. That day, when he walked out of the house… walked out of my daily life… did you feel as empty and hurt when we left? I love my brother, Saeki. I loved you just as much. Maybe more. It's a different kind of love. I want to protect Yuuta, always, but I want to be protected by you. Because you were always so strong, so powerful, with that killer aura around you. And when he left… it was like he was saying that he didn't need me anymore. Did you hurt like that too? But I still smiled. Even as he left me, and left, because of me, I smiled. I stayed strong. For you. Because you were always strong for me.
School the next day though… was hard. Walking down those halls, knowing I no longer had a reason to visit the first years' hall during break – it was hard. And I wished I had you by my side, because in those situations, you always knew the exact words to say, the exact way to move, to make me forget, to make me happy.
But you weren't here. Because I pushed you away, because I was afraid of still loving you without you by my side. I made a mistake then. If only I'd kept in touch… told you that we were moving to Tokyo… That day, the only thing I could think about was iif only Saeki were here, he'd tell me everything would be OK, and somehow, everything would be OK/i. But you weren't here, and it had all been my own stupid fault.
Like a lighthouse beaming steadily to a storm-torn ship though, that day, Tezuka stood by me at club practice, strong, silent, supporting. Just like you. He has the hunter's instinct, just like you. Maybe that aura draws me, because in the same manner I was drawn to you, I was drawn to him. My smile doesn't hide anything from your killer's instinct, nor from his. You both can read feelings from muscles and body stances alone – no need for false shows of smiles. And Tezuka that day knew I needed support.
He was there for me, Saeki. You weren't. And that day, I think, I fell in love with him. Maybe not… maybe I'd fallen for him even earlier. But that day, anyway, I realized that I did feel for him. I think, quite possibly, it was because he reminded me of you. Someone who could see through me, and yet – or maybe therefore – would still protect me.
Saeki… in the year since then, he and I have gotten closer. In a way, I suppose, you could say we're sort of dating. You'll always be my first love. And you'll always be my best friend, at least in my soul and my heart, because you were the first to see through me and protect me, and I think love me, for who I was. Tezuka can support me, but he can't and won't protect or love me the way that you did, I know. But I still love him. Strange isn't it, how I still call him by last name, even though he's my boyfriend in a sense? Somehow I don't think it would've been that way with you. But strange things intrigue me, fascinate me. Attract me. And Tezuka attracts me, like a moth to a flame.
I missed you, Saeki. No, I miss you. I can't talk to Tezuka or Eiji about Yuuta, like I could've if you were here when he left. You know of how Yuuta thought of me back when I was still his cool brother, instead of now, when he all but hates me. I think you would've understood, and probably could've helped me better than Tezuka did. But that's not the point – the point is that he tried. You weren't here. I know it wasn't your fault – in fact, it was my own – but this is how things have worked out, and I've come to accept it. I hope you have also…
I know you want to beat me today, Saeki. But I just can't let you do that. I have to win. For Eiji, who helped me when I was still hurting from leaving Chiba – from leaving you – who made me smile through those dark days and played doubles with me and made me laugh with his acrobatics. For Oishi, who actually apologized when Eiji agreed to play doubles with him, because he was afraid I would think he was trying to take away my best friend, and from whom I'm borrowing a partner today to play you. For all those we beat along our way here… Fudomine, St. Rudolph, Yamabuki, Hyoutei, Jyousei Shounan, because in beating them, we promised to continue winning in our quest for the National title. And… for Tezuka. Who stood by me when you didn't… when you couldn't. For Tezuka, to and for whom I promised to win Kantou Taikai.
For Tezuka, whom I love.
I'm sorry, Saeki. I won't lose to you. Not then, and not now. I hope that one day, you can understand.
-~-~-~-
(1) if anyone gets the anime/manga reference, you get a cookie. =P *holds cookie enticingly*
comments, critiques, errors, all welcome. ^_^
Glossary? Um.. taikai = regional tournament… Chiba is a prefecture in Japan, somewhere by the sea. =.=;; I have no idea where it is; I just know that's where Rokkaku is.
End notes, since I think it deserves it:
1) I repeat – I'm sorry to those who wanted a happy ending! But I couldn't do it; I couldn't break up TezuFuji again. I did in Connections, and I'm still recovering from it.
2) And I'm sorry for the fragmented sentences (Word was giving me all hell when I was typing this with its green and red squiggly lines), but I think it best reflected Fuji's fragmented thoughts. Please don't hurt the pathetic engineer/programmer major for her awful English!
Pairing: SaeFuji
Rating: PG
Summary: Fuji reflects during the match between Rokkaku and Seigaku at the Kantou semifinals
Genre: Drama
WC: 1723
Disclaimer: So NOT mine.
Sequel to "I Will"
Warning/Note: for those who read "I Will" and were hoping for a happy sequel… *bows deeply* I'm sorry a thousand times! =[ But it's not a very happy sequel. I don't write very much fluff, and I can never bear to break up my favorite pairings – which SaekiFuji isn't one of. I'm sorry!
-~-~-~-
Saeki… you're here. It's hard to think, even though this time, I knew you'd be here and had been preparing to see you all week. How many years has it been? Two, three? I don't remember anymore.
I was shocked that time we met in Chiba. I mean, I knew you'd be there – in that beautiful city by the sea, that is. But for such a chance meeting, on a single street, because Echizen happened to meet Oji… that was rather unexpected, wasn't it? And your captain, Aoi Kentarou. He's quite a character. Accusing us of surrounding Oji with malicious intent. I didn't even recognize Oji – has it really been that long? He hasn't really changed though. When we went home that day, I went back through my albums of those times – he looks almost the same. Rather, I suppose, I was the one who changed.
I was the one who forgot.
But I didn't forget you. No, no matter how hard I tried to forget Chiba, I just couldn't forget you. You've grown. We were both so small back then, weren't we. And yet, you always looked out for me. Whenever others picked on me for looking girly, you always stood up for me. Like how I'd stand up for Yuuta. Yea…that's what you were like to me – you protected me almost like an older brother, even though we're the same age. I can stand up for myself now; aren't you proud of me? Back then, you were one of my few friends. You were one of the few innocent enough to ignore my prodigy title and see me for me, not as the prodigy to be feared and respected, teased if nothing else, but definitely not befriended. I loved you for that, did you know?
Yea. That was why we moved, actually. My parents were afraid that I'd be hurt in Rokkaku, by those jealous of me and my supposed gift in tennis. You know, I would've given all that up if I could've just stayed with you. But we couldn't, I couldn't. I was born with this … this gift? No, more like a curse. I hid it inside most of the time, hid it behind a smiling face and closed eyes. But you knew that too, didn't you. You knew everything about me. After all, that's what best friends are for, right? And that's what you were to me. You were my best friend. My most important person. (1)
That's why, when Mom and Dad talked about moving, I cried. It was the first time I remember actually crying, but I did. I didn't want to leave Chiba. More importantly, I didn't want to leave you. That's why I didn't tell you – I was trying so hard to make believe that it wasn't real, that we weren't really moving to Tokyo. But make believe is as fake as my smile, is as useless a defense against the real world as my smile is against you. And that time we played, that last time, when I beat you in singles… my heart broke that day, right when I broke your serve. Did you know? Could you see? You usually could see when I was hurting… but I usually didn't try to hide from you.
Saeki.
When we drove away from Chiba… Yuuta asked me if I was really that happy to be leaving. I still remember staring at him in complete shock. He was still little then, and didn't quite comprehend the concept of moving away. Apparently he thought I was crying the oft-heard of "tears of joy". He said that Tokyo must be a wonderful place, and Seigaku an amazing school, if I was that happy to be going. That was when Yuuta still looked up to me, also, when he still loved me as his older brother.
My world fell apart when I first attended Seigaku. I tried to forget Chiba, to forget you, forget everything about that time. It hurt a lot, you know, wearing the Seigaku uniforms instead of the Rokkaku ones. I remember you were so excited about the Rokkaku jerseys. I really did want to wear that, wear it with pride, with you. I did all right my first year. I suppose because I made some good friends. Kikumaru Eiji and Tezuka Kunimitsu… two very different, yet very important people to me. Eiji could always make me smile – for reals, just because of how happy he always was – and Tezuka was always there, strong and silent, when I just wanted company. I guess my first year, I got closer to Eiji, because with him, I could just laugh and be happy, and at least for awhile, I could forget, and pretend our time together had never happened. At least for awhile, I could pretend that I'd been in Tokyo all my life, and that Chiba had been the dream.
But then, my second year… Yuuta came to Seigaku. And he… I never knew, Saeki. He always looked up to me, always respected me. I never knew he resented me. Did you resent me? Did you resent me that day I beat you, and left you? Yuuta… he transferred. That day, when he walked out of the house… walked out of my daily life… did you feel as empty and hurt when we left? I love my brother, Saeki. I loved you just as much. Maybe more. It's a different kind of love. I want to protect Yuuta, always, but I want to be protected by you. Because you were always so strong, so powerful, with that killer aura around you. And when he left… it was like he was saying that he didn't need me anymore. Did you hurt like that too? But I still smiled. Even as he left me, and left, because of me, I smiled. I stayed strong. For you. Because you were always strong for me.
School the next day though… was hard. Walking down those halls, knowing I no longer had a reason to visit the first years' hall during break – it was hard. And I wished I had you by my side, because in those situations, you always knew the exact words to say, the exact way to move, to make me forget, to make me happy.
But you weren't here. Because I pushed you away, because I was afraid of still loving you without you by my side. I made a mistake then. If only I'd kept in touch… told you that we were moving to Tokyo… That day, the only thing I could think about was iif only Saeki were here, he'd tell me everything would be OK, and somehow, everything would be OK/i. But you weren't here, and it had all been my own stupid fault.
Like a lighthouse beaming steadily to a storm-torn ship though, that day, Tezuka stood by me at club practice, strong, silent, supporting. Just like you. He has the hunter's instinct, just like you. Maybe that aura draws me, because in the same manner I was drawn to you, I was drawn to him. My smile doesn't hide anything from your killer's instinct, nor from his. You both can read feelings from muscles and body stances alone – no need for false shows of smiles. And Tezuka that day knew I needed support.
He was there for me, Saeki. You weren't. And that day, I think, I fell in love with him. Maybe not… maybe I'd fallen for him even earlier. But that day, anyway, I realized that I did feel for him. I think, quite possibly, it was because he reminded me of you. Someone who could see through me, and yet – or maybe therefore – would still protect me.
Saeki… in the year since then, he and I have gotten closer. In a way, I suppose, you could say we're sort of dating. You'll always be my first love. And you'll always be my best friend, at least in my soul and my heart, because you were the first to see through me and protect me, and I think love me, for who I was. Tezuka can support me, but he can't and won't protect or love me the way that you did, I know. But I still love him. Strange isn't it, how I still call him by last name, even though he's my boyfriend in a sense? Somehow I don't think it would've been that way with you. But strange things intrigue me, fascinate me. Attract me. And Tezuka attracts me, like a moth to a flame.
I missed you, Saeki. No, I miss you. I can't talk to Tezuka or Eiji about Yuuta, like I could've if you were here when he left. You know of how Yuuta thought of me back when I was still his cool brother, instead of now, when he all but hates me. I think you would've understood, and probably could've helped me better than Tezuka did. But that's not the point – the point is that he tried. You weren't here. I know it wasn't your fault – in fact, it was my own – but this is how things have worked out, and I've come to accept it. I hope you have also…
I know you want to beat me today, Saeki. But I just can't let you do that. I have to win. For Eiji, who helped me when I was still hurting from leaving Chiba – from leaving you – who made me smile through those dark days and played doubles with me and made me laugh with his acrobatics. For Oishi, who actually apologized when Eiji agreed to play doubles with him, because he was afraid I would think he was trying to take away my best friend, and from whom I'm borrowing a partner today to play you. For all those we beat along our way here… Fudomine, St. Rudolph, Yamabuki, Hyoutei, Jyousei Shounan, because in beating them, we promised to continue winning in our quest for the National title. And… for Tezuka. Who stood by me when you didn't… when you couldn't. For Tezuka, to and for whom I promised to win Kantou Taikai.
For Tezuka, whom I love.
I'm sorry, Saeki. I won't lose to you. Not then, and not now. I hope that one day, you can understand.
-~-~-~-
(1) if anyone gets the anime/manga reference, you get a cookie. =P *holds cookie enticingly*
comments, critiques, errors, all welcome. ^_^
Glossary? Um.. taikai = regional tournament… Chiba is a prefecture in Japan, somewhere by the sea. =.=;; I have no idea where it is; I just know that's where Rokkaku is.
End notes, since I think it deserves it:
1) I repeat – I'm sorry to those who wanted a happy ending! But I couldn't do it; I couldn't break up TezuFuji again. I did in Connections, and I'm still recovering from it.
2) And I'm sorry for the fragmented sentences (Word was giving me all hell when I was typing this with its green and red squiggly lines), but I think it best reflected Fuji's fragmented thoughts. Please don't hurt the pathetic engineer/programmer major for her awful English!