REFLECTIONS

"What do you hope to accomplish with this?"

The man in the bed winced as he tried to look up at his uncle. It hurt to keep his eyes open. He loved his uncle, but he wished that his aunt was here instead. She was better at the making him feel better thing than he was.

Ares visited the Underworld so often that his uncle had finally given him a room. He felt like he was doing his uncle a favour since the room would have remained empty otherwise. Now it was blessed with his magnificent things and, when he was there, his magnificent self. After what happened with Caila, he had it redecorated to reflect his new outlook on things. Gone were the things from his days as a naive godling. Instead he had filled the room with items that echoed his new life and his new title. There had been shields and spears and swords. The decor was now dark. The furniture was now hard and unyielding. He had almost cried when the next time he had visited he discovered that his aunt had been hit with the decorating bug herself and had seen fit to get rid of all his manly accessories and bring in flowers and cushions. He had given up trying to change it back after his aunt had cried accusing him of not appreciating how much she loved him.

He groaned as he tried to sit up.

Hades pushed him back down.

The bruises that he had sustained in his self-mutilation were already starting to fade. He would always have that ability despite giving up his godhood. It was genetic. He swallowed and said, "This is the fastest way I know how of curing myself."

Hades looked at his nephew in confusion.

"What else will destroy any remnants of feeling for the bitch than to have her likeness repeatedly cause me physical harm?"

Hades nodded.

"You know it's not going to work right?"

Ares scowled.

"It's working just fine. Whenever I think of her, all I feel is hatred,"

"What if she needed you? What if she was in danger?"

He hesitated and then said, "I'd laugh and say serves her right,"

Hades merely lifted his left eyebrow.

The younger man in the bed sighed, "Fine, I'd go save her. Anonymously. Happy now?"

"Nowhere close. Why did you give up your title?"

"They planned to destroy the God of War. Since Dad reabsorbed the title technically there is no more God of War. Their plans will come to nothing. Whore that she is, I really don't see her trying to pretend that she's pregnant with my half-brother. Besides that Mom would eliminate her,"

"So you gave up your title out of spite?"

"No. Ares the man fell in love with her. He was the weak one so it has to be he that's punished. As you know, our godhood allows us to feel less pain,"

"True," he was silent for a moment and then pinned Ares with what his nieces and nephews called the "look" and asked, "Do you really think that the woman you loved would do this to you?"

"The woman I loved doesn't exist. I've let myself fall in love twice and both times it turned out that the woman I thought I was in love with never existed,"

"Twice? What about Xena?"

"I never really loved her. I wouldn't let myself,"

Hades hid a grin. Poseidon owed him a lot of money. He rose when he saw his nephew yawn.

"I have to go visit your father. Want me to tell him anything? Want me to bring back anything?"

"No,"

Hades leant over and ran his hand through his nephew's hair. The extent of his pain and turmoil showed when there was no complaint about him being too old for such things.

"I'll be back soon,"

Ares didn't hear him. He'd retreated into his thoughts. Despite his promises to himself he had let his guard down. Just like he had with Caila all those years ago when he was young and naive.

Caila was a water nymph he had been involved with steadily for about 30 years. They had met through mutual friends at a party. It had been love at first sight. He had never felt like this about anyone before. They had been happy or so he thought.

He had been granted the title of God of War on his birthday and he had been feeling on top of the world. They had celebrated both his birthday and his godhood together. That night he had proposed that they bond since now he felt like he was worthy of her. She had said yes. To this day, he still couldn't believe that he didn't see the signs. He still couldn't believe how naive he had been. Humming softly he had walked into her house the next day and had seen her kissing another. And to add insult to injury the other man had been mortal.

He had bellowed in rage. The anguish he had felt had sent a searing pain through his heart. With his emotions in such turmoil, he had lost control of his newly acquired powers. He didn't have the concentration to keep them under control. From what Helios1 had told his parents, his entire body had glowed with a blue light. There was a loud howl. The house trembled. Caila and her lover cowered against the wall. And suddenly a blue energy ball had appeared and had headed straight for the man. The coward had grabbed Caila at the last second and shoved her in the ball's path. The power overload had caused him to pass out.

It was the first time his powers had taken a life, but it wasn't the last. Dad had informed him that his powers were tied to his emotions. So when he thought about killing the worthless piece of garbage, his powers had followed the order that he had unknowingly given. His mother had told him that it wasn't his fault. He still didn't believe her. But years later he had been in the position to avenge Caila on a battlefield. He had made sure that the side the coward was fighting on lost the battle.

He never forgot what he had accidentally done, but he had slowly recovered over the years by completely burying his feelings for her. He had also spent some time with Thor and had perfected the mask that he wore now.

He sighed and lay back. It was his own fault really. He should have remembered that he wasn't meant to have someone love him as much as he loved them. He had let his guard down. In the excitement of discovering his feelings for Rie...Gabrielle, he had ignored the fact that she had been a little too eager to volunteer to be his fiancee.

He should have known that her first loyalty was to Xena. It was not like they were getting married because they loved each other. It was a business arrangement. He also knew that Xena had a vindictive streak and that she hated him. What surprised him was Rie...dammit...Gabrielle. He had always seen her as gentle and kind. Heck she hadn't even wanted to kill Hope. And to add insult to injury she was in love with Joxer...an incompetent, bumbling oaf. A part of him wanted to crush all of them, but a larger part was wondering why he was never good enough.

He sighed and rolled over on his good side. He had certainly learned his lesson. He was never going to let her or any other woman hurt him like this ever again...even if he had to move to a planet where there were no women. Giving up his godhood had been painful, but he would have lost it any way since he refused to ever consider getting married again and he knew that his parents, especially his father, would not change their minds.

Meddlesome parents. He wished that they had left well enough alone. He had been satisfied with his life as it was. He could start all the fights he wanted. He could get a woman whenever the urge hit. He could go spend some time in Valhalla with Thor whenever he felt like it. He could travel and see the sights around the world. Unlike the mortals, he knew that there were lands beyond what was drawn on the maps. He also knew that the earth was round and not flat.

Now everything had changed. Nothing would ever be the same again. He knew for a fact that he would never go near another woman for as long as he could. No scratch that...he would never let another woman into his heart. He was done searching for his soul mate. And he had way too much pride than to ask his sister to have Cupid zap someone for him.

He had never been anything other than a god his entire existence so he didn't know what to do with himself now that he was a mere mortal. He figured he would have to get a job so he had some form of income to buy food and drink. As a god, all he really needed was ambrosia. He knew that his family would not let him starve, but he had to be able to stand on his own.

Speaking of standing on his own, it was about time he tried to see if he could walk. The Gabrielle clone had done a real number on him physically, just like the real one had done a number on him emotionally.

It took all his strength to sit up again. By the time his legs were on the ground he was sweating and it had nothing to do with where he was. Grabbing a hold of the bedframe, he struggled to pull himself up. His breath was coming in short pants. He was having difficulty breathing. His vision was wavering. He let go of the post to see if he could stand on his own. A feeling of pride went through his being when he succeeded.

He could feel his legs trembling. His entire body was shaking, but the stubborn part of him refused to go back to bed without at least taking that first step. He took a deep breath and slowly slid his bare left foot forward. A small smile graced his face when he remained upright. He slowly slid his right foot forward, but before he could stop himself he fell to the floor. He could feel the soft carpet on his bare chest. His legs were encased in silk trousers.

His hard won pride disappeared completely when he heard her voice.

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1 Helios is the sun god who sees all. In later tales of the parthenon Apollo took his place as the sun god.