Tears of Rain
By Lyra Sanzennine
AN: Please ignore this chapter (read it if you want but keep in mind that this portion of the story will be thrown out the window). I posted it after several weeks of mulling it over, but I've decided that I really dislike it and the way that the story is moving (with much appreciated help from my beloved best friend who I would marry if only she were a man). So it's still sitting here as a place holder because I don't want to deal with the iffyness of deleting chapters and stuff, but chapter 9 will be undergoing a massive rewrite. I'm really sorry. Thank you everyone who's still following this fic!
Their relationship had never been particularly well-defined. Revoltingly, he was aware that most who knew of the girl's existence by his side either assumed that he acted as her surrogate father or that he considered the human his pet. Neither theory was even vaguely correct, but then, it was still difficult to say what exactly she was to him.
She had removed any possibility of a familial relationship between them from the very first day. Sesshoumaru could not recall a single instance of any fatherly affection towards the girl, even when she had been a mere eight years of age, and he a youkai who defied all concept of time. It was all very straightforward.
One simply could not view a girl as a daughter when said girl harbored overwhelming infatuation for oneself.
It had been apparent from the day she first stumbled upon him in the forest, weak and wounded. That day she had been a pre-pubescent human girl who wore her mortal heart on her tattered sleeve and the emotions of fear, wonder, curiosity, and…attraction in her expressive eyes. It showed only in a certain glimmer in her wide eyes that Sesshoumaru was well-accustomed to and recognized immediately. There was no spike of arousal in her scent, given her age, but there was no mistaking the expression she bore on her face.
Beautiful.
When she followed him, he allowed it, and silently explained his actions as acquiescing to the demands of his venerable father's sword. A simple, unwavering gaze silenced his subordinates quickly, so his motives remained unquestioned…by all except himself.
No, he had certainly never possessed any fatherly affection for the girl and therefore could not be accused of being so perverse as to be…attracted…to his "daughter." However, the truth, if not worded with perfect care, was equally scandalous.
He had been attracted to the eight year old girl.
But not in a disgusting way.
There couldn't possibly be a soul in the kingdom who would understand, which was just one of many reasons why Sesshoumaru had never spoken of the subject and refrained from addressing any questions by asserting his status and power.
It was not that he lusted after the girl. Children did not appeal to the taiyoukai - the mere thought of it was revolting. He didn't dream of her either, though he could tell she entertained vaguely indecent dreams of him. He felt no desire to hold her in mutual comfort and enjoyment. He assuredly was not curious about the taste of her mouth or the hollow of her throat.
But her eyes – and her soul – now that was another story entirely.
He did feel drawn to her in some extremely intangible, yet undeniable, way. It was in the way her small hands so guilelessly touched his in wide-eyed wonder, tracing the lines of the magenta markings that graced his wrists. In the way she looked at him with absolute, untainted trust in her expression and obeyed him quickly and without question, knowing with certainty that what he told her to do was for her safety and never for harm.
It was all so…foreign to him. She had been unexpected, initially unpredictable, and sometimes downright irritating in her impetuousness. Yet she shone with such pure love that from the very beginning, from the moment she had first offered him her food, he had felt a distant portion of himself fall away.
She confused him.
How was she possible? How did a creature like her exist?
It was the sheer strangeness of her that had initially captured his attention. Such a curious little girl – far too happy, too giving, too naïve, and too damnably cute.
In the beginning, on her particularly hyperactive days, he often wondered if he was hallucinating it all.
The questions all remained, even as he determined that his perception of her was not a figment of his imagination, but in fact, truth.
Lord Sesshoumaru of the Western Lands was impossibly old by human standards. Five years passed as fleetingly as the lifespan of an azalea blossom compared to the millennium of his existence. In that short time, as the azalea bloomed, Rin grew and changed.
Most frustrating of all, her scent changed as she suddenly came into womanhood. She cycled with the moon as did her pheromone output. The twelve short years with her had been bewildering to say the least. Unconventional and strange as their relationship was, its progression, at least, was fairly clear. His fascination for his ward remained strange and ethereal for nine years before a more visceral fondness began to manifest itself.
It had been entirely unacceptable but manageable for three years.
What was worse, the problem would have ceased to exist had everything gone according to plan! And yet he was here maintaining his vigil over the badly injured girl and finding himself incapable of really denying the truth that lay between them. The knowledge that none of this could end well bothered him greatly.
Sesshoumaru sighed soundlessly at Rin's unconscious groan of pain. They had remained in the cave for three days now. Countless treaties and local concerns needed to be addressed but he couldn't bring himself to care.
Not that a moment away from the cave would be unwelcome. To be honest, three days with a near-dead human girl inside a small cave was beginning to wear on his sensitive nerve endings.
She positively stank.
He wryly wondered why he was still there, voluntarily suffocating himself, when he could quite easily return to the western palace and leave the dragon to guard his ward.
"You can't move her before she wakes up," the miko had sternly warned him. "After she regains consciousness the first time you'll have to play it by ear. I don't know how long it'll take to heal, but you're definitely in for the long haul. I can come back and check in…"
"That won't be necessary. You have my gratitude for your services and will be well compensated." Sesshoumaru had replied stiffly. He did not want the priestess present more than was absolutely necessary. Irrationally possessive feelings had gripped him as though he was dismissing the woman because he wanted Rin's care to be his responsibility alone.
"Oh…okay," Kagome had replied in confusion. "You don't need to pay me. Rin's an old friend and it's the least I can do…" She had paused, unsure of what to do. She knew that there was no danger in leaving Rin in the demon's care and that he would follow her medical orders, but it was difficult for her to simply walk away from the situation without personally nursing her patient back to health. "Well, just knock if you need anything or if anything else happens. Here are the supplies you'll need. You have to change her bandages regularly…"
"I understand."
Tai youkai and miko had locked gazes and come to a silent and mutual understanding of each other.
Now Sesshoumaru pressed his lips into a tight line in frustration. He couldn't recall another moment in his long life when it had been so difficult to decide what to do. It was unthinkable that the health of a human girl was so flustering the great lord.
She desperately needed a bath but there was really nothing he could do about it. It would not only require moving her, which was not an option, but it would also require wetting her open wounds, which certainly was not an option. Her body would not be able to prevent spreading infections.
He needed to change her wrappings too.
And there was just no way to do that without discarding all sense of propriety. He would have a hell of a time managing it with one hand at that.
Not for the first time, Sesshoumaru wondered if perhaps, just perhaps, he had made a slight miscalculation in sending the priestess away.
It worried him how careless he had been in the past three days - first in forgetting the exact capabilities of Tenseiga and now in accepting full responsibility for Rin's rehabilitation. Tenseiga was a sword of life. 'Life' and 'healing' were unfortunately not synonymous; a lesson the aggression-driven lord learned only that day. Beyond reviving Rin he had never really tested Tenseiga's capabilities. There was just never any reason to. The sword had served a total of two useful purposes – the gift of Rin and passage to his father's tomb – and that was enough. Who was the great Sesshoumaru going to heal, anyways?
He still didn't know if he could revive the girl a second time. If his brother's mate had been unable to save Rin from the brink of death and she had slipped through his fingers, would Tenseiga have worked a second time? Quite possibly, he supposed. He did not see why the blade would not be able to kill the soul-carrying spirits a second time.
He was certainly not going to allow the girl to die a second time though, regardless of the sword's power.
Sesshoumaru stood slowly, loosening his muscles with unseen circular movements of his limbs. He made his way to the unconscious girl for the second time that day with unhurried strides. He knelt by her side and carefully reached out clawed fingers to gently trace the wound that marred her cheek. In the perfect privacy of the cave, the Lord of the Western Lands allowed his face a single moment to openly express the deep feelings of grief and guilt that held him fast. He knew that Rin would recover and would soon return to her usual energetic self.
He also knew that the injuries she'd sustained would always remain as scars.
The damage to her face was not terrible. In fact, had she been a man and survived the incident against a powerful warrior, the mark would be a welcome badge of courage and strength. The deep gashes scattered on the rest of her body were terrible, though, and the knowledge that the world would not see any of them underneath the girl's clothing did little to soothe him.
Sesshoumaru felt the familiar rage boiling within his chest as he thought of the low-life creature that had dared lay claws on his Rin. It was unthinkable!
It was equally unthinkable that he, Sesshoumaru, had allowed this to happen.
He shouldered the full blame readily and silently.
It would not have mattered if her welfare didn't concern him in the slightest. There was even quite a period of time during her absence that it seemed he really didn't care. For if the demon lord didn't care, then it didn't matter what kind of harm the human girl suffered, for she would not be his responsibility.
But the sight of her tore at his heart in way that he could not have predicted and would have given anything not to feel. This sheer weakness for a human woman was appalling!
Or perhaps the disgust he felt for his emotions was not disgust at all but a defense to counteract the incredible guilt he felt.
He felt those emotions, and so, it had been his responsibility to protect his ward.
It had been his failure that caused her to lie so still within a cave, naked save for bandages and his haori, and yet still wearing some shred of soundless pride and dignity around her.
Ah, if only he could convince himself that his attachment to the slip of a girl was nothing and easily dismissed. If he could stride out of the cave, never to look back, certain in mind and heart that the pathetic mortal was not worth his attention…Then he would be blessedly freed from the regret and the shame that held him fast.
With the discipline of a warrior with centuries of training behind him, Sesshoumaru firmly pushed the distracting thoughts from his mind. There would be time later to indulge in such things behind an expression of perfect boredom. Right now he needed to figure out a way to change the girl's dressings.
Damn his twisted sense of conscience! He sorely regretted dismissing the miko now, especially knowing that he would never allow himself to return to her village and demand assistance a second time. He had wanted Rin's care to be his sole responsibility as a way to erase the nearly fatal error he had made. If she fully recovered in his care, he could largely absolve his own guilt concerning her.
But how was he going to dress her wounds?
How was he going to keep the entire affair decent?
And by the gods, the girl needed a bath!
Rin chose that moment to stir. The movement was barely detectable but Sesshoumaru's keen senses immediately discerned it. He stilled his own breath to fully observe her. She groaned softly when her natural instinct to get up proved too painful. Her brow furrowed though her eyes remained closed as she tentatively took a deeper breath until the movement caused too much pain.
Neither one moved for a long moment.
Finally, Rin broke the silence through dry lips. "Lord Sesshoumaru?" It surprised them both that she still instinctively addressed him deferentially.
"I am here," he softly replied.
Rin silently noted with a touch of derision that the tone of his voice sounded exactly as she remembered – gentle, and somehow commanding, but always impassive.
"Why?" She whispered, slowly opening her eyes to lock him in an unfocused gaze.
He held her eyes for a long moment. "Tenseiga commanded it." It was at least part of the truth.
She gave him a perfectly unladylike snort. "You're such a liar."
Rin took that moment to orient herself through the haze of pain and fatigue that surrounded her senses. She noticed the incredibly soft pelt beneath her and knew that it was the one that Sesshoumaru always wore. Somewhere in the irrational part of the back of her mind she felt a sense of guilt at covering it with her blood and dirt from her body.
She told that part to shut up.
The next thing she noticed was the fact that she was naked beneath what was probably his haori. It felt cool and smooth against her ravaged skin. Under past circumstances, she probably would've been happy to find herself in such a situation. Alone in a compromising situation with the lord she had fantasized about for years definitely had its advantages.
But happiness, at the moment, was not a possibility. Emotions assaulted her from every direction and confusion was the result. She wanted to cry and hit him and laugh at the joy of being alive. She wanted to scream obscenities at him and she wanted to run away and she wanted him to go away and yet stay and yet-
"This Sesshoumaru does not approve of your attitude, Rin." He said, interrupting her thoughts.
By the gods, couldn't his haughtiness take a vacation once in a while, Rin wondered? She was not in any state of mind to deal with this.
"Right now, I really don't care, my lord." Rin answered evenly. She stifled a groan of pain when she shifted on her makeshift bed. "Besides, what are you going to do? Punish me?"
There's nothing you can do now. Nothing-
"Rin," he softly growled her name in warning.
-you hold over me.
"Why are you really here?" She asked with her eyes fixed on the ragged ceiling of the cave. She really didn't expect him to acknowledge her after her blatant lack of respect.
She was largely grateful to still be alive and she knew that without his timely arrival – whenever that was – she would have been carrion a long time ago.
It grated on her that she was once again indebted to him. Why did it seem impossible to escape the man? It was as if fate was hated her! It was as if she had just attained a sense of independence and self and purpose in life and now suddenly she was exactly where she'd started! She was helpless and once again she lived because of him.
Had nothing changed?
She refused to believe it.
"I do not know." Sesshoumaru said.
Rin blinked in silent confusion before she remembered that she had asked him again why he was by her side. "That I believe." She told him with a small smile.
This is so awkward…
"What now?" she asked.
He sighed imperceptibly. "I do not know," he answered again in truth.
"How long have I been asleep?" Rin questioned him while attempting to shift slightly to her side so it would be easier to look at him.
"Two days."
"Oh."
The sheer lack of…anything…in the cave was really starting to make her uncomfortable. There was so little to say. There was even less to do except possibly stare at her lord, which didn't exactly seem like a helpful or proper thing to do at the moment.
There really wasn't anything to do but study him, however, so she did. That's when she noticed what he was wearing for the first time. The armor was gone and the collar of only one inner layer of kimono showed at his neck. The outer layer was an inner layer, a comfortable, high-quality cotton weave. White, of course, and devoid of any decoration. His yellow and purple obi was also missing. The sash of his hakama held everything in place.
This meant that the robe covering her like a blanket had to be Sesshoumaru's signature outfit. From her prone position she could only see a bit of white lying over her upper chest.
A small fire crackled quietly behind Sesshoumaru highlighting his pale hair with warm tones of yellow and orange.
The entire situation was suddenly far more intimate than Rin was comfortable with.
Damn him.
Sesshoumaru quickly noticed the subtle change in her scent and the way her muscles tightened defensively even though she couldn't move more than an inch in her condition. He was still kneeling by her side so it was easy to calmly reach out and place his hand on her shoulder to calm her.
He felt her jump slightly at the touch and saw the wince she tried vainly to hide when her sudden movement reawakened damaged nerve endings.
"Calm yourself," he commanded without force.
Rin gritted her teeth. "I'm not excited."
Sesshoumaru suddenly did something completely unexpected. He laughed.
Rin was highly alert now. Didn't Jaken always warn her about this sort of thing when she was a child? Something about the man's strange moods and how if he ever appeared happy it was probably because he was going to kill you and take great pleasure in doing so.
The taiyoukai looked at her pointedly with an eyebrow raised. "Now who is lying?"
She blushed. This wasn't at all fair. He could read her feelings like an open book with his senses while she had no such advantage. Rin desperately needed to change the subject to help her get her mind under control. If all else failed, she was prepared to try to sit up. The pain would erase any trace of arousal.
"So you don't know why you first came. And you don't know why you're still here. And you don't know what we're going to now?" she asked him.
"You are my responsibility. My ward." He answered her evenly. "That is why I came and that is why I remain. You will, of course, stay here until you are capable of moving."
Rin narrowed her eyes at him. "Is that so?" she demanded. "I don't think you've been very successful with your 'responsibility' then, Lord Sesshoumaru. I'm not exactly unharmed."
"You are alive. Little else matters."
Rin seethed, grateful that anger kept her from thinking of how incredible the man looked in his inner clothing and how very naked she was beneath his outer clothing.
"How dare you?" she snapped, wishing that she could move. "Kindly remember why I was out here in the first place!"
Sesshoumaru didn't blink. "I do not recall sending you out alone in the middle of the night to fend for yourself in the wild."
"But you did send me away! There's no difference!"
"You were to be delivered under full escort, with and all of your considerable belongings, to a safe place with other humans," Sesshoumaru countered. "There is a world of difference."
Her angry demeanor cracked slightly and she fought to keep from showing it. "There's no real difference," she softly insisted. "That night you removed any responsibility you had. So why are you here?"
Sesshoumaru closed his eyes for a moment. His hand still rested lightly on her shoulder.
Why?
He opened his eyes slowly and fully took in the sight of the diminutive girl before him.
Good question.
The sight of her pain tore at him, though his face betrayed nothing. This small human girl, so-
beautiful
weak and yet somehow so captivating. He wished there was more concrete logic behind his fascination with her. It should be in his blood to select for the healthiest and most powerful female to carry his children. And yet here he was, unable to tear himself away from a slip of a girl who would inevitably leave him faster than he would realize.
Disgusting, really.
Revulsion is easier.
Didn't his affection for her remain within the comfortable bond they had forged through the years as guardian and ward?
Denial is simpler.
That damnable scent was back.
His hand moved slowly, lightly, trailing up from her shoulder, along the smooth line of her neck to the curve of her cheek. With one finger he gently traced the line of the healing gash that dared to desecrate her face. The touch was nearly imperceptible, more like the barest sensation of heat than actual contact.
Rin's breath caught.
Her eyes met his. Their normally cool yellow hue now appeared the shade of dark honey in the lighting of the cave.
His gaze dropped lower to rest on her lips, slightly parted in surprise.
"Lord Se-"
His forefinger easily continued its journey from where the cut on her cheek ended to the corner of her mouth. He slowly stroked her lower lip almost absentmindedly.
"Why?" He repeated her question aloud. "I wish I knew, Rin."
This is a huge-
He lifted his eyes from her lips to meet her gaze.
-mistake.
Her warm brown eyes were wide in surprise and at that moment, it was possible for the taiyoukai to admit, if only to himself, that pushing and running were useless gestures.
He leaned in towards her, knowing with every second that he was making the worst decision of his life.
"My lord?" she whispered.
He kissed her.
AN: I try really hard to avoid author's notes, but it's been a while since I last thanked my reviewers for their words. Thank you all so much! I really do appreciate your comments. The email alerts I receive for reviews are what keep me coming back to this story even after totally ignoring it for months. You guys absolutely rock.
Along the same lines, I really don't like begging for reviews, but to be honest, I'm feeling pretty discouraged these days. I've held off on posting this chapter for weeks and actually sought out a beta reader for the first time in a year or two. (Thanks Katie!) Shakes fist at people like Resmiranda and Asiancherries You guys really put me to shame. :)
And in case anyone is wondering, eventually, someday, when the plot warrants it, there will be (multiple) lemons. Off-site of course. Come on, who doesn't love citric acid? It's so colorful and happy!
Lyralina