TITLE: Who Says College is Easy?
PART: Side Story 1
GENRE: Yaoi/Shounen-ai
PAIRING: Mizuki-centric... and lots of OhtoriMizuki!
DISCLAIMERS: The series I'm referring to does not belong to me… only this weird story does.
Side Story One: Leaving Everything Behind
I strolled down the avenue towards my condominium unit.
I should have used my car, but at the rate I was going, I knew I would get into an accident the moment I turned left from the driveway. I was better off walking a couple of kilometres home... after all, the darkening sky made me feel a bit better than I had for a few weeks now.
I couldn't help but shiver underneath my loose lavender trench coat, and instinctively I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling my backpack swinging from side to side, the bulky part abandoned on and banging against my back. These were the times I wished I had not entered the international university I was currently enrolled in. These were the times I wished that I had not filed for that scholarship, and filed my application for the College of St. Rudolph instead. I would be happier that way... it wasn't as if I was happy now... maybe the fitting word is 'better off'. Yes, that was it. I would be better off if I had enrolled in St. Rudolph.
I missed Akazawa Yoshirou, my best friend since my preparatory school years. We had almost been inseparable then... until we parted ways a year and a couple of months ago... when We took the step to the Big C. Yoshirou remained in St. Rudolph... and I had walked away. Now, all I had left of him were a bunch of funny phone messages... and a handful of calls on my cellular phone.
No one I personally knew enrolled in this university... maybe the bunch of brainiacs I secretly made fun of... but other than them... no one. I was virtually alone in this new world... this new miserable world.
It was surprising to know that I wasn't feeling too sorry for myself during my freshman year. I became friends with Fuji Syusuke after all. Yes, the tennis prodigy was also enrolled in this university... and it seemed at that time, that THE Fuji would ignore my presence like what he did during our junior high days. However, surprises never ceased when Fuji approached me and extended a frail-looking hand for me to shake. If I were not actually in front of him, I would not have believed. But I was there. I was present at that time... and at that place.
And I couldn't deny that my heart leapt the moment our skin touched... making me wonder if his heart did the same too.
There was the undeniable presence of electricity... of obvious chemistry. And briefly, I wondered if the past was forgotten already... forgiven too. We became friends first... then became closer... until Fuji Syusuke became the centre of my world, the point force of my being... the focal point of my existence. I was his... and there was this idea in me that screamed he was mine too. I loved him... plain and simple. It may seem dramatic... but it was the truth. It came to the point where I knew if I lost him, I would break to pieces.
And in that cold late spring night, break I did.
I closed my eyes, halting my steps for a short while, leaning against one of the Sakura trees that lined the avenue. They were shedding their blossoms, and if it was any ordinary day – minus the heartache, I would have gasped out in wonder at how heavenly they seemed fluttering down and colouring the grey asphalt roadway and the rapidly thinning grass struggling to live in line with their dark roots. The dainty pink blooms showered upon me... and the wind blew the blossoms that landed on my shoulders away, into the hostile environment away from their sturdy parents deeply rooted into the fertile soil. And my long hair blew with the fragrant wind... the hair I grew just to adapt to Fuji's fetish for long, long, hair. It should have been pure ecstasy... if not for the pain gradually consuming my body, threatening to split me open. I might have cried, but I forced myself not to. It would not matter now anyway. All was lost...
There was no way something lost could ever be found.
My hand involuntarily reached up at shoulder level, and twirled a wayward clump of silky jet-black hair. Slowly, I slumped against the trunk more, feeling the rough bark scratching my skin through my heavy autumn ensemble, sliding down until I was sitting forlornly... looking as if the world had just crashed down upon my shoulders, I knew. Even with my eyes closed I could see these things... I had this penchant for making scenarios, and these scenarios proved true – except when dealing with... some people I would rather not think about right now. People were staring... but frankly, I did not care. I did not care for anything anymore... except for that one painful thing that was eating me up inside.
Syusuke used to stare long hours at me... and when I asked why, all he did was smile more and keep his mouth shut. That beautiful mouth perpetually curved to a small knowing smile... as if he knew something I didn't... which was, for the most part... true.
Fuji Syusuke.
The name left such a sweet taste in my mouth... and such a bitter one too.
I looked up at the late afternoon sky. The wind was picking up speed... and I knew it was a prelude to a total downpour. I tried to compose myself and stand up... but my shaking limbs couldn't seem to obey the orders of my usually more powerful brain.
Fuji Syusuke.
He destroyed my life completely... I mused almost in amusement. And everything was planned... down to the very acrimonious end. Laughter bubbled up my lips, and I gave way to it, my eyes closing once again as a lone raindrop landed on the tip of my nose. And yet... I cannot seem to hate him... Whenever I try... all I can do is hate myself for being such a huge moron...
I had acted as if I was a love-starved human being... one that craved attention every minute... one that revelled in every word of praise... one that clung only to the one who had penetrated the barrier I had erected around his heart since my first love died of malignant cancer during my junior high days. Maybe if Atsushi was alive... I would not have ended up this way...
I was plain pathetic... that was what I was.
More droplets of rain fell from the sky, and I felt each and every one of it... as if my senses were sensitised overnight, heightening my pain more... increasing this feeling of loss... slowly devouring the hopeful part of my tainted soul.
Ah, someone was calling... it sounded familiar, but I had not the energy to process who it was. All I knew was that someone was calling me... and that was enough. Ignorance was bliss... if only I could keep my mind tuned that way... then, I wouldn't have to deal with this pain so badly.
Mizuki-san...
Ah, that was what Syusuke called me first... before moving on to a more familiar name... "Hajime-chan... You called me that, didn't you Syusuke?" I whispered... delighting in the way the wind carried the words to my waiting ears like a gentle caress.
Mizuki-san...
Ah... that name is good enough... At least I knew someone still recognized me around these parts.
And suddenly, it wasn't raining anymore.
Surprised at the magical halt of rain, My eyes snapped curiously open and encountered a void of dark nothingness. What...? I blinked. Everything was dark... Had I gone blind?
"Mizuki-san..."
The unfamiliar voice jarred me to reality; I quickly shifted my gaze to the side, focusing on the worried features of someone who looked so familiar... I rubbed my hands against my eyes and peered once more at the person who intruded upon my thoughts. "You... you're... you're the one with Shishido-san..."
"Aa... I'm Ohtori Choutarou, his best friend... I think." It was such a warm smile. It was so friendly that I had to smile back... just slightly...
But... "Best friend..." I echoed in confusion. I thought those two were together... in a...
"Hai, Mizuki-san." Came the cheerful answer. "Contrary to popular belief, just his best friend."
I could feel myself reddening in embarrassment. "Oh." Was my intelligent answer... so smart that I wanted to stick my feet on my mouth until the next day. "...Oh."
Ohtori-kun laughed a joyous little laugh. "Hai, Mizuki-san. Iko, Issho ni? The rain is pouring harder now... we'll both get sick if we don't get home soon." He wriggled the hand holding up his big black umbrella and extended the other hand to me up.
I stared at the offered hand and marvelled at how slender it was. An artist's hand. I thought in wonder. However, the feeling was short-lived as I remembered the same gesture made by a different person many months ago, and I stiffened. They have the same hands... He and Fuji... they have the same hands... the same gestures... I shook my head and got up hastily. I had to get away... and fast... before I lost it again... I just can't deal with it at the moment...
I can't...
And I ran away on shaky limbs, leaving him behind.
I ran and ran... my feet picking up speed and I did not care anymore if I collided with people I did not even know along the way. In fact, I was so disoriented that I did not know what I was running from anymore. All I knew was that it took only a few moments before I found myself hurtling out of the elevator doors toward my unit.
It was dark, but I did not want to open the lights. I was perfectly happy with the way the rain thundered like a thousand hooves were let loose outside. I was perfectly happy with not knowing whatever it was I broke the moment I stumbled inside my flat. I was perfectly happy not seeing whatever it was I resembled as I made my way to my bedroom.
I was perfectly happy not seeing anything at all.
The tears I had bravely kept in check finally escaped, rebelling against my mind's orders once more... but I let it be. After all, no one could see me in the dark... my favourite stuffed bear given by Yoshirou when we were still children would not see my weakness... nor would the other stuffed bear I owned, the larger one given by the same person who broke my heart a million times with just five painful words, would see me snivelling like some pathetic kid left behind during a field trip.
At least in the dark, no one would know my pain.
I could still feel those loving arms around me... hear those sweet nothings pressed against my sensitive ear... see those beautiful blue eyes stranded in a seemingly perpetual smile...
And the echo of a sudden rejection still reverberated in my unsuspecting brain.
/You are nothing to me.../
The flow of salty rivers down my cheeks seemed ceaseless... but it did not matter...
No one could see... no one will see...
I was tricked to believing that I was special... I was tricked to believing that I deserved Syusuke – ah, iya, Fuji and his love... I was tricked into believing many things...
I was tricked to believing that what I was receiving was pure unadulterated love.
Hugging myself, I retreated further into the shadows of my closet... away from the rest of the world. Soon, I found myself sobbing pitifully, head cradled between my knees in utter wretchedness.
"I am nothing, am I not?"
I laughed bitterly, my hand involuntarily reaching up to coil long dark strands of hair around my trembling fingers.
"Am I not...? Ne – Fuji?"
oooOooo
The next day found me curled up in a little ball inside my closet. It was a bit suffocating, but I was lucky that I did not turn blue from lack of fresh air. Someone above must be feeling sorry for me... or maybe I was just live entertainment.
Slowly, I stretched my legs, feeling them being suffused with warmth after being cramped for so long. Tiredly, I pushed the closet door open, grateful for the sudden wash of fresh air wafting from the small desk fan that seemed to be open since yesterday morning. Then, awkwardly, I crawled out of my hiding place, looking back just once to wonder how I ended inside it last night. Maybe I was angsting too much. With a defeated sigh, I stood shakily up, my limbs protesting a bit as I did so... but I weathered it. After all, no pain, no gain, right? Maybe if I applied those words in my life I would stop my pathetic little whining everytime memories come rushing back.
Snatching a towel from the fresh rack near my bed, I strode towards the bathroom. I needed a shower – and fast. Working in like a complete automaton, I reached up for the shower knob and turned it forcefully, not bothering with the heater... welcoming the hard spray of icy water on my body. It alleviated the pain inside as well... somewhat.
It was the jangling of the phone that made me get out of my ritual cleansing. Grumbling, I stepped out, naked and dripping, and padded out to where the phone was.
"Hello?" I snarled. I wasn't very psyched at the moment, so tough.
"Good morning to you too Mister Sunshine." Came the familiarly sarcastic voice. Oh goody. I thought, my lips quirking into an amused smirk. He had never failed to make me feel normal... at such appropriate times too.
"Shishido Ryo, reputed drama queen." I greeted back. "To what do I owe the honour of your precious phone call?"
"Ha. Ha." Ryo countered. "Humour me."
"No, seriously, Ryo..." I grinned, feeling my spirits lighten up. Ryo's voice had that unique quality that made anyone feel... well... more encouraged. "Why did you call?"
"Hmm... Such a complex question..." Ryo started. I could just see him stroking his chin in contemplation. I stifled impending laughter. "Okay... it's like this... I just want you to know that you're going to have a stalker one of these days..."
Stalker? I nearly fell on the floor. What stalker? Am I someone fit enough to be stalked?
A STALKER?!
"Ryo... what..." I started, but was then cut off by his parting words. "So if I were you I'd be careful... he's a bit too enthusiastic about it... not to mention serious too..."
HE? My eyes widened. A guy wants to stalk me? What in the world...!
"Ryo –"
"That's all, JA!" And Ryo's cheerful voice was replaced by the phone's busy tone.
"What was that...?" I murmured, limp hands dropping the phone back to its cradle. "What the hell was that?"
oooOooo
"Mizuki-san!" If I had heart problems I would be dead right now.
An almost inaudible "EEP!" escaped my throat and I swore I actually jumped two inches into the air in total surprise... and yet, nothing prepared me for what it was that I saw next. "Ohtori!"
"WAH! Caught you off guard, didn't I?" Ohtori-kun was bouncing so familiarly now... I had seen that countenance before...ugh, nevermind... at least he was less frightening this way. Kami-sama, if he acted all mysterious like poor Ryo's demonic roommate Akutsu-san or something... I would seriously start running towards the other direction – screaming.
Ohtori-kun's features were so bright that I couldn't help but react. The problem was, my body didn't exactly know what to do, so instead of bouncing with him, like what the major part of my muscles were trying to accomplish, I settled for a smile. "Yeah, you did." I allowed, reaching up and tapping his head with the heavy books I had the masochistic desire to return to the library all at once. "But don't you dare tell anyone... I got a reputation to protect!" Yeah right... as if my reputation mattered now. My mind muttered scathingly, and I squashed it out immediately. It wouldn't do well for me to start angsting again and hindering the arrival of a new friend into my life – one that was not as prejudiced as most people were.
It was probably the warmth enveloping my hand that made me feel quite giddy, and looking down, what I saw made my heart skip a beat. Ohtori-kun was holding my hand. I was still debating whether to let it be or to tell him to unhand me when I found myself suddenly being pulled towards the opposite direction I was about to go to.
"Hayaku Mizuki-san! We're going to be late if we don't go now!"
I wasn't quite sure how to react still, but I let myself be pulled nevertheless. There was this queasy feeling inside my stomach though, and it was what caused me to panic. "Where are we going? I'm supposed to go to the library to do research about –"
"Never lie to your kouhai!" Ohtori-kun admonished good-naturedly, pulling me harder. "I know you don't have any assignments today – and you don't have any research work for the week!"
"But my class –"
"AH! Your class is not until one-thirty in the afternoon! It's only eight a.m.!"
"Yes, but... wait a minute! How did you know that? Have you been STALKING me?" I demanded suspiciously, trying my best not to stumble down at the speed we were going... and the weight of my damned bag was destroying my balance. It would be a miracle if I don't fall flat on my face twice. Ouch. "Where are we going anyway?"
"To the coffee shop! Breakfast every morning from six to ten! Choice of refill – Chocolate or coffee! Great deal!" Ohtori-kun recited, still pulling... and I – still stumbling. "And you're right – I AM stalking you! It's fun!"
"Oi... stop talking like a telemarketer for heaven's sake!" I called out. Stalking...? My eyes widened in realisation. HE'S my STALKER? Something I couldn't quite name curled inside my stomach. He thinks stalking me is... fun? "Ite..." Something resembling a whine (much to my horror) escaped my lips as I nearly kissed the cold asphalt road. "And what did you say about stalking? It's not fun! Oi! Don't pull too hard..."
"Come on, slowpoke!"
Ohtori-kun's laughter echoed inside my mind... and strangely...
My heart.
oooOooo
I did not exactly have the faintest idea on what to do. After all, Ohtori-kun was new, at least, in my system. He seemed to have taken root inside me already, although how he did it, I would never know.
And he seemed to have taken over ordering for me when I just stared at the poor waitress a while ago.
"Hai, hai, Tezuka-chan!"
I started. Oooh, I'd know that voice anywhere...
"Don't call me that."
That one too... Very familiar indeed...
"Oh, look, it's Atobe-sempai and Tezuka-san!"
Ah, yes. The great Atobe Keigo and illustrious Tezuka Kunimitsu. I snuck a peek at the former captains squeezed inside one of the more private booths away from the windows. It looked as if they were on a date or something... but considering the mountain of papers in front of them, I had to think otherwise. " Ah... probably partners in a project or something." I looked back at Ohtori-kun and raised a brow.
He sipped his hot chocolate and nodded, tearing a piece of his croissant and popping it into his mouth. "Sou!" He intoned after swallowing. I couldn't help but smile, in fact I couldn't do anything more than smile the whole time I had been with him – conversation or not. Ohtori-kun was filled with much happiness that it radiated out of him in huge warm waves... making me drown in them... even for a short while. It was then that I knew why Shishido had chosen him to be a close friend. I shook my head in amusement and took a sip of my warm oolong tea. "The food is good in here... thank you for dragging me to this place." I commented, for a lack of better things to say.
"You've never been here before?" He seemed surprised. Well, who wouldn't be when I was here longer than he was and I had never set foot in here. But then, if he knew what had happened before, he might not have been. Pain constricted inside my heart once again, threatening to consume me. Slowly, I placed my steaming cup back on its saucer.
Shaking my head (for I don't know how many times this morning alone...), I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, my hand shaking. "No, I eat breakfast in my flat. Like Ryo often does."
"Ryo?"
"Shishido-san." I amended, smiling wanly at him.
Then, he smiled at me stupidly, brightening the small area we had that I knew if he did that a couple of minutes more,I'd end up blind. "Oh... then I'm gonna bring you here every single day, Mizuki-san!"
What – Then the pain inside stopped. I stared at him, unsure of what I was supposed to feel. "Why are you doing this?" I asked quietly, cupping my warm mug between my hands, letting the warmth permeate into my system, letting it reassure me that what Ohtori-kun was about to say was not a cruel joke Fuji conspired with him to finally shatter whet dignity I had left. I gazed at the unusually bright eyes... almost hopefully... my emotions surrendering to what was yet to come.
He must have seen the desperation, for his hand patted mine comfortingly.
"Because, Mizuki-san... I want to make you happy again."
oooOooo
"Mizuki-san."
My, my, that was unexpected. I scrambled the combination of my locker lock and turned to face the amused smile of Atobe Keigo himself. If it weren't for the smouldering quality in his voice, he wouldn't have known it was he because of the honorific following his name. Hmmm... Maybe Tezuka-san was rubbing off on him.
"Atobe-san." I murmured, eyes dangling helplessly from his piercing gaze. "What do you want to talk about?"
His smile widened, and I swore I saw something resembling approval in his dark orbs. "Ohtori-kun... about Ohtori-kun."
"What about him?" I wanted to get this done and over with. I did not know what he would do with whatever we would talk about, and I was a bit suspicious still, since he was not exactly the master of subtlety... besides, he was Fuji's best friend.
"He likes you." He said.
I stiffened. "Shouldn't you be talking to him about that, not me?"
"No, I should talk to you about it." He declared. "Ohtori-kun is a bit too pushy for his own sake when need arises... and he considers his tiny crusade against your unhappiness as something to battle with. I don't know his intentions, although I'm having an inkling on what it is.
"Please don't make him put his hopes up if you're not willing to let go of the past yet, Mizuki-san." Atobe-san's voice went a notch softer. "If you're not yet ready on having any kind of relationship with him – even that of a friend, please tell him straight away, so you would spare both of yourselves the unnecessary heartache."
"Atobe-san...I..."
He smiled at me, and in an instant, I felt as if I wanted to cry. He wasn't mocking me... he wasn't punishing me for whatever it was his best friend wanted to punish me for. He genuinely cared – and I could see it in his eyes – the concern... But why?
"Mizuki-san..." He laid a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "I may be Syusuke's best friend for quite a long time now... but I am not he." With a smile, he turned away, leaving me gaping at him from across the corridor. I could hear the bell for my fifth period ring, but I did not pay any heed to it. I felt as if something in me had been saved – what it was, I wasn't sure I knew...
And who did the saving, I did not know.
oooOooo
I had been thinking for quite a while now, about what Atobe-san said a few days ago. What exactly did I feel anyway? I knew it was high time I defined my boundaries... but the problem was, I did not know where to start – or rather, know what my boundaries were.
Sighing, I trudged on. I was at a loss. What to do... What to do...
I wanted to make sense out of everything, but my mind kept straying towards someone with such a happy smile that it literally took my breath away...
"Mizuki-san!"
Speak of the devil... though I'm not sure if I could classify him as that... Startled, I looked up, encountering the familiar figure jogging towards me on the stretch of Sakura-lined walkway towards my flat. "Ohtori..." I murmured, scared slightly of the fact that I only had to think of him and then like an apparition, he appeared. I wanted desperately to rub my eyes to see if I was dreaming. And I did just that...
Still, the grinning tennis regular was fast approaching.
"Mizuki-san." Ohtori huffed, smiling down at me as if I was something precious, making me feel for just one moment... that I was important. "Why are you still out at this time of night?"
Although dazed, I managed to look straight at him, my cheeks, I knew, morphing into something painted with violent shades of crimson. "Oh, me? I'm going home... from an alternative class. Pataki-sensei was being a jerk again."
Ohtori's gaze was sympathetic. "Oh, I've heard of him. He's the Jewish prof, right? They said he was anal-retentive too." He shuddered, probably relieved that somehow he did not end up being an International Studies major like I was, and yet feeling sorry for me, his poor sempai at the same time. I stifled a smile. He was so easy to read sometimes. "Wow, must've been hard on you huh?"
I started on my way once again, chuckling. "I wouldn't say that." I said. "Sometimes, he's very interesting... and very informative. In fact I like him as he is. He's just a bit off when it comes to making schedules for the classes he misses because of his part-time job in the British Embassy." Oh yes... and whenever Pataki-sensei was out, many interesting things happen... like Jirou-chan's (He insisted I call him that) feat with balancing the basketball Hanagata-san let him borrow last week... and Fuji's tarot card reading session the other day...
Fuji.
"Mizuki-san, you never cease to amaze me! You seem to take a liking to weird people!"
My feet suddenly refused to move. And my throat felt so dry that it hurt when I swallowed through the growing lump in it. Fuji...
"Mizuki-san?" I could hear Ohtori's questioning tone, his figure somehow shadowing me from the dim light of the lampposts. He stooped down a bit to gaze down into my eyes, but I barely saw him. "Is something wrong, sempai?" All I could see was...
"Fuji..." The words formed on my lips, but my voice was nowhere to be found. It was probably the name that made him stiffen and straighten up to his full height in a matter of seconds. His brows furrowed slightly before turning around and holding his hand up in greeting.
"Konbanwa... Fuji-san."
I wanted to die.
"Konbanwa Ohtori-kun." Fuji smiled quite happily, without any trace of regret as pleased eyes roved from Ohtori to me. He did not even bother me with a greeting. And my heart fell at the unbidden thought.
Why did he have to be around here now? Why now when my broken heart is finally seeing the ray of hope it needs to fully recover from the blow he dealt? Why now? Why in front of this marvellous boy who tries his best to make me feel like the old Mizuki again?
I cleared my throat, trying to make it seem as if everything about me was fine... that I was not damaged in the least. "Hello, Fuji..." I said almost as happily.
But Fuji was not fooled one bit. He did not even pay me any heed. He turned to Ohtori and started talking to him, leaving me with nothing but air to talk to.
"So, why are you around here at this time of night?" Fuji asked with obvious interest. "It's already half-past nine."
His voice seemingly slithered down my spine, echoing inside my body, reliving and rekindling the parts of me I thought were already dead for the past few days... the parts of me that had fallen victim to his charms. It was then that I realized... even if it hurt too much... that I still loved Fuji – and it would be a long time until I would be cured of the cancer of the soul he had unleashed into my system.
"I'm accompanying Mizuki-san home." Ohtori replied in what I placed as a civil tone. "He just came from school."
"Oh, is that so?" Fuji asked with saccharine interest, raising a brow as if in obvious disbelief.
"Yes, that is so." Ohtori answered back, catching hold my shaking hand and grasping it, providing me the warmth and strength to stand upright and face Fuji head-on. Wait a minute... I stiffened. Strength... and facing Fuji head-on...? I stared at Ohtori's grave features. Ohtori...?
And suddenly, I realised...
That he knew.
oooOooo
"You don't have to be so worked up over it."
Ohtori was regarding me carefully, I could feel it... probably taking note of the lack of lustre in my personality. How could I be as sunny as he was? I was plagued by The Fuji last night?
"I... I'm not obsessing over... it." I answered quietly, face downcast, eyes riveted on my untouched plate.
"If you aren't... then why are you looking as if you've been trampled by fifteen elephants for the past thirty minutes... or probably even longer?" I raised my eyes momentarily to amused features incredulously before commencing my glaring session against my fork. "Mizuki-san, it is not going to eat you." He said almost chastisingly, touching my hand on the tabletop. There was electricity there and I couldn't help but react, taking in a gasping breath and looking up at him once again. Our eyes met. And I could see nothing but the film of tears obscuring my vision that his figure blurred.
"Oh... tori..." I murmured, my hand twitching a bit, and turning sweaty all of a sudden that I knew somehow, he was becoming completely baffled. Even I was not sure why I was this way... But maybe, just maybe... If what conclusion I had finally admitted to myself last night was true...
"Clear your mind of anything bothersome and try to eat. You've been staring at your bento as if waiting for the octopus wieners to come alive and grow to a gigantic size before devouring you."
Octopus...? The slight confusion was still there as unshed tear welled down and I could see well. When I finally got what he was saying, I couldn't help the smile that stretched my lips wide. "Aa... I guess so. I wasn't thinking that morbidly though..." I snorted.
"You aren't?" Ohtori eyed me funny, cocking his head to one side as if in deep thought. "You sure looked like it..."
I chuckled. "No. I assure you, I'm not thinking of something as gross as that!"
A shadow briefly passed through his features, prompting me to eye him questioningly. What was he thinking about? I was about to voice it out when he grinned back at me... looking like he had just acquired a million dollars from the lottery...
He had the look of someone enlightened.
And I was enlightened too...
Maybe...
oooOooo
"Oi, Hajime Hajimemashite! Pfft!"
I rolled my eyes. Great... it's him again. I thought tiredly. Seriously, Dabide-chan (another freak who wanted me to call him that way... seriously now, he and Jirou-chan are such babies...) had been hounding me for quite a while now. Maybe it was because I was the only one who could smack him upside down whenever he made senseless and humourless jokes when Bane-san was out.
And smack him up to heaven I did. I was smaller, but my book bag was heavier than anything he carried along to the university. Geez, sometimes I really wonder how he passed every exam we had when he did not even crack open a single book. Maybe he and my professor went on swapping jokes and he actually had a funny one so the old man gave him passing marks.
I sighed. Surely, I would never know.
"What is it, Dabide-chan?" I asked, stuffing some of my books in my locker.
"Hora!" He declared with a flourish, producing two matinee tickets to the movie I was looking forward to watching for quite a long while now. I was sure that my eyes widened to the size of saucers because he grinned happily as if he had accomplished something. "I got this early! Wanna go to the movie?"
My face fell. Go to the movie? But... "Dabide-chan... Aren't you supposed to go with Bane-san?"
There was sadness in his eyes even as he smiled. "Bane-chan is in the hospital right now, so he wouldn't be able to go..."
"Hospital?" I was dumbstruck.
Dabide-chan nodded, smile unwavering. "He got in a biking accident yesterday... stupid idiot that he is..." He snorted half-heartedly.
"Then, go watch it for him, or something... take someone close to you so that the –"
Dabide-chan stuck the tickets in my jeans pocket and patted it once, beaming proudly for catching me off-guard enough to touch for once in his college life. "I'll give them to you for free!" He sing-songed as he bounced away.
B... but..." I spluttered in confusion.
Then, he stopped, turning back to look at me with encouraging eyes. "Please enjoy yourself, Hajime-chan... Take the nice kid with you... Tomorrow, I want you to tell me everything about it!"
I couldn't do anything but stare.
But inside... I felt warm.
oooOooo
I was in front of the student council hallway. I was pacing. I was pacing in front of the student council hallway. I was in front of the student council hallway pacing. I was anxious. I was in the front of the student council hallway pacing anxiously. I was pacing in front of the anxious student council hallway...
Wait, that wasn't right. I shook my head, as if trying to clear it, my thoughts obviously wandering, enough to be stomped on by boogieing elephants without me noticing.
I feel like I'm going out on my first date.
I was waiting anxiously for Ohtori to finish casting his vote... I was quite unsure whether he would change his mind about going out with me. Another thing... Fuji was one of the assistants in the elections, and Ohtori was on the same room with him. He would chat with Ohtori and then he would know we were going out tonight... and would probably do something for the plan to bust. After all, Fuji was a schemer... and a good one at that.
What if...?
"Mizuki-san."
I snapped out of my reverie and looked up, my mouth hanging open in surprise... if the cold wind blowing in it was any indication. I must've looked like a dying fish since Ohtori began to snicker, the happy sound turning even happier as it evolved into full-fledged laughter, with his arms around his stomach, doubled over like his guts would spill on the marble floor. "You... you..."
Great. I blushed, my colour probably rivalling the scarf I was wearing. "O... Oi..." I stammered, looking down at my boots, fingers involuntarily twirling around my hair.
It took him a few moments before he finally had his mirth under control. "Oh, I'm sorry Mizuki-san... you just looked..."
"Idiotic." I supplied miserably, fidgeting now.
Warm fingers touched my chin firmly, tilting it, forcing me to look up into his eyes. "You looked like a deer caught in the headlights." He grinned softly, his eyes oozing with much tenderness I had never seen in anyone before... at least, when they were looking at me... and then my stupid cheek reacted. They felt hot... and I burned.
"Oh... I must've looked real scared then..." I murmured, my lips quirking up in a semblance of an embarrassed smile.
Ohtori shook his head slowly before stooping down low, and pressing his lips against my forehead. "Iya, Mizuki-san." He said, stepping back and catching a hold of my trembling hands.
"You looked very adorable."
I still felt the imprint of his lips on my skin... and the drowning sensation was there once again.
And as I stared into his eyes...
I was compelled to believe that what he said was the truth.
oooOooo
"Mizuki-san... thank you for inviting me to watch the movie..."
I glanced at him as we started walking back to my car. "You're welcome." I said quietly, fingering the keys inside my pocket.
"Did you enjoy the movie, Mizuki-san?"
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
Ohtori Choutarou's eyes sparkled as the lights of the distant movie houses reflected on the watery film of his eyes. "Hai, hai." He answered good-naturedly, his hand immediately grasping my own. "Demo... you seem nervous."
"Uh... Me? Nervous? Umm... Why should I be?" I was flustered, yes, but the feeling of security and warmth I had... I wanted it to last... and if what I had thought of the night we encountered Fuji was true, then I was...
"Do you mind me holding your hand?" He asked gently, squeezing my fingers for a single electric moment.
"Uh... I..." I stopped walking, and so did he... and I clung to his gaze as if my life depended on it... Emotions played in his eyes... many of them I recognized – especially the one standing out the most...
"Because Mizuki-san... I plan to hold it longer than you need to know."
And I smiled.
oooOooo
He had not said anything resembling "I love you" yet... but somehow, I knew he was thinking it... and I was feeling it more than I could admit. Choutarou had some issues about 'coming out' as Ryo once told me (while he was banging his head on the wall for losing a poker game against Inui); after all, his parents weren't exactly the liberal kind. I should wait, he said. After all, what Choutarou felt, sooner or later, he would voice it out. He was that kind of person.
"Ryo... where are you going?" I asked him as we walked out of our German History class the next afternoon. "And why do you have those... stuff?"
Ryo gave me a baleful glare. "Remember the poker game?"
I nodded, perplexed. What about the poker game?
He let out a defeated sigh. "That evil, evil guy is making me dress Tezuka-san up." He snickered. "It's initiation night."
My eyes widened and promptly, I laughed. "Oh, my God...right! I almost forgot!" I snorted. "I would love to see that!"
Ryo chortled. "I know! It compensates for the work, I guess..." He tilted his head for me to join him. "Cut your next class, I'll back you up. Help us in preparing for it."
I was never more happily eager in my whole life.
I felt glad too... the old Mizuki was slowly starting to come back.
oooOooo
I haven't seen Choutarou for quite a while now... since morning actually, and I was a bit worried as to where he decided to squeeze himself in. If what Ryo told me about Akutsu being his friend... well, I was allowed to worry like this, wasn't I?
I was backstage finishing up primping the curtains when someone blew on my ear. My first thought was that Choutarou was playing with me... but then... I stiffened. There was only one person who had ever done that to me... "You..." I whispered as familiar arms encircled my waist as if offering a gentle caress. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the familiar citrus scent of the one who gave me life... and the one who gave me agony.
"... Hajime-chan..." Lips touched the side of my neck; trailing hotly up my jaw... arms letting me go, only to turn me around and grasp me even closer in the darkness of the storage room. It was as if my past dreams came true... as if my present did not have any impact on me anymore...
Fuji Syusuke.
"F – Fuji... what are you doing... don't touch me..."
Too late, My body was responding. The feverish feel of those familiar red lips on mine was spreading hotly throughout my body, I was shutting down... fragmenting into tiny pieces that knew much of that particular brand of insanity. My mind was screaming for me to get a hold of myself... that I was supposed to be getting over Fuji, not under him.
But the lack of physical tenderness was taking its toll, and I found himself achingly hot, my own arms stealing around his neck, adjusting my position such that I was allowing more access, giving him more chance to plunder my mouth and touch my body. So long... it had been so long...
I knew I was acting like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. I wanted him... I wanted him from the bottom of my lonely heart. I wanted him even if he had done a great deal to ruin my life.
I wanted him... and that was that.
He still wants me... I thought dazedly, moaning slightly as he let go of my lips and decided to nibble on the juncture of my shoulder instead. Kami-sama... so hot... his hands... so warm... almost like Ohtori's own when he holds...
"Mizuki-san, are you alright? Did Fuji-san – "
Ohtori.
My eyes snapped open, immediately meeting shocked brown eyes... windows to a soul that had suddenly been washed with inky nightmares... with obvious disbelief... and a hint of painful betrayal... as if I had done something wrong. And I did... didn't I? My heart leapt to his throat. I couldn't do anything but stare... and try to say something while pushing Fuji unsuccessfully away from me.
Oh... to... ri...?
/"Did you enjoy the movie, Mizuki-san?"
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
Ohtori's eyes sparkled as the lights of the movie house reflected on the watery film of his eyes. "Hai, hai." He answered good-naturedly, his hand immediately grasping his own. "Demo... you seem nervous."
"Uh... Me? Nervous? Umm... Why should I be?"
"Do you mind me holding your hand?"
"Uh... I..."
"Because Mizuki-san... I plan to hold it longer than you need to know."
"Ohtori-kun, I..." Choutarou... I started, my heart aching for him to wipe away the sudden misery I could see on his face. "Ohtori-kun... I was just..." Choutarou... I... I never...
At the sight of him turning purposefully away from me, I somehow felt the need to just curl up and die.
Choutarou... please... I...
"Arara... he got mad didn't he?" Rage bubbled in my veins upon hearing Fuji's voice. Yes, it was true that I wanted Fuji Syusuke... but I didn't love him. No. Not anymore. "Now, where were we?"
Angrily, I turned to him, noting with satisfaction that he seemed to take a hasty step back the moment our eyes met. I didn't exactly know what I was doing, but that did not prevent me from what my body wanted to do. I balled my fists...
... And swung.
The sadistic part of me cheering as I heard the painful sound of my knuckles, nevermind how frail they were, connecting with Fuji's cheek.
Now I'm finally free.
oooOooo
I spent the entire night looking for him... all to no avail. It seemed as if he was avoiding me...
I had a lot of fun watching Tezuka-san dance the Samba in a frilly multi-coloured skirt, but I wasn't exactly happy. Aside from feeling a bit sorry for the crossdresser moving on the stage amidst catcalls, my mind was on other things...
Like Ohtori Choutarou...
And that I was stupider than anyone else in the whole world.
oooOooo
I was currently resting against my armload of fluffy pillows when the phone rang. It startled me though... no one ever called me before... well, except Ohtori, of course... and Ryo... and Inui... but those two were out of the question now – they were probably still in bed snoozing after Tezuka-san's charming display last night. My heartbeat sped faster. What if it was Ohtori calling? What if he was ready to forgive me now? Hastily, I got up and answered the phone.
"Moshi moshi..." I said as quietly as I could, hoping that it was Ohtori calling me to reconcile... "This is Mizuki."
"Ohayo, Mizuki."
There was painful disappointment in my heart when recognition came. It was not Ohtori... It was Inui.
"Oh... Inui-san... what is it?" I asked, sitting back down on the floor, slumping dejectedly.
"Nice hearing from you too." There was no sarcasm in Inui's voice... just amusement. "I'm so happy I called."
I couldn't help cracking a small smile. Inui was definitely not one to pout whenever faced with such tone... although I conceded that it was quite a feat if ever I saw him do that just once. A pouting bespectacled Inui, with glasses flashing under the glare of lights. Hmmm... Not bad – not bad at all.
"Sorry..." I apologised, straightening up a little. "So... what is it you want to talk about?"
Inui took a deep breath and spoke, I could hear it over the phone, voice laced with a bit of panic. "Ohtori called." He started, pausing a moment for effect. If only he knew how the mere mention of that affected me. I thought wryly, eyes focusing on one of the scrolls decorating the opposite wall. "Shishido – he's missing."
My eyes widened as comprehension dawned. Ryo... MISSING? My heart pounded even louder than before. The thought of Ryo being mauled by hungry lions suddenly entered his mind, making him cringe at the vision filled with much blood. "What do you mean he's missing?" I croaked, ignoring my momentary show of weakness. "He could just be out to party or something..." I heard my voice took on a desperate edge... but it was only natural. This was Ryo we were talking about. Shishido Ryo was someone I cared for, with all, and us being roommates for quite a long while before he moved, so it was not a new feeling to worry over him like what I was doing now.
"He isn't with Ohtori... he said Shishido told him he would go straight home after Tezuka's performance. He isn't with Akutsu either because Ohtori called him to ask if he could talk to Shishido." Inui revealed, his normally calm voice showing his roiling emotions, finally breaking down and disintegrating into a quiet pseudo-whisper. "Tezuka hadn't seen him since after he changed his clothes, Atobe told me he hadn't seen him after the show either... and Fuji – he said he was feeling something... like something was going to get nasty, and you know how Fuji's 'feelings' always come true..."
Oh. My. God.
I gripped the phone with shaky hands, trying to make sense of every single thing dancing around inside my brain. "We have to find him..." I whispered almost inaudibly. "We have to."
"That was the same thing Ohtori said to me." Inui voiced out. "And he told me to call you and go to the student plaza if ever you don't get a hold of Shishido after ten minutes."
Ohtori. The name intruded upon my morbid thoughts, my head filling with the shocked features of the younger man. I shook my head, exhaling soundly. He really is mad at me huh? He should've been the one to call me if he was not the least bit irked about what he saw earlier... I thought forlornly before shaking my head once again and berating myself for not focusing on more important matters.
"Got it." I answered his unspoken question. "I'll go there after a few."
"Okay then, ja."
"Ja."
My vision blurred as I set down the receiver. It was a good decision to shorten the conversation. Ryo needed me too – now more than ever. And the sooner I finished, the sooner I could wallow in self-pity for what personal tragedy had come to pass.
It was easier to take it all that way.
oooOooo
I had been looking all over for Ryo since Inui called, and the sun had finally risen, giving way to the bright morning... and giving way to the feeling of desperation I had over the matter. I had to rest, and my body was complaining from exhaustion. Slowly, I trudged to our meeting place and slumped down next to nasty Akutsu Jin, snatching one of his unused tissues and shredding them in complete nervousness.
"Where could he be?" I whispered to no one in particular, my fingers stopped shredding and commenced drumming against the wooden table of the plaza's only coffee shop.
"If I knew, would I have been looking for him like a stupid dog here?" Akutsu growled angrily, slamming down his half-empty cup. I cringed, but decided to stay silent.
"Akutsu... no need to shout. He can hear you perfectly fine." I heard Fuji said warningly. Fuji was there, but I did not care anymore. The more we didn't come in contact with each other, the better.
"Ahh..." Atobe-san suddenly appeared, followed by a solemn Tezuka-san and plopped on the lone cushioned seat available with his usual flair of superiority. "I'm so tired... I can't find him anywhere!" Sullenly, he crossed his arms on the table and banged his head on them in a very un-Atobe-like way. "Where is he, where is he, where is he..." He punctuated with every hit. "I'm going to deny him another practice game if I fail my exam later at ten." He swore, finally halting his frustrated movements and resting his head on his arms. It was funny... if only he wasn't burdened with too much at the moment.
"Sleep a bit if you're that tired." I told him quietly as I started shredding tissues again. It wasn't long before Akutsu snatched them from my hand, balled them and threw the tissue ball right smack on my forehead. I did not have the power to counter anymore, so instead, I slumped on my seat, feeling a bit grateful when Tezuka-san placed a throw pillow from one of the other couches of the coffee shop on my lap. I smiled wanly up at him and he smiled back, moving towards Atobe-san, watching him as he gently lifted his doubles partner's head and inserting another soft pillow in between the folded arms before letting Atobe-san's head rest on it again – comfortably.
I was, for once, envious of something they had. It wasn't clearly defined yet, I could see... but it was there.
"GUYS!"
I snapped to attention as Choutarou came gasping for breath, his eyes lit up with relief. "We found him!"
oooOooo
"What are you going to do now, Hajime?"
I stared at him forlornly, hopelessly. "I have to do it now – or I would break further." I answered quietly. Ryo looked thoughtful for a moment. I smiled wanly at him. "I have been meaning to do it for quite a while anyway... and I know you know that, right?"
Ryo smiled back just as wanly. He hasn't recovered from his injuries yet, and was still resting in the same hospital that housed Bane-san before – and ironically, the same room. "Hai... I know... and I understand... but, Hajime... do you think it's a wise decision?" He placed his uninjured hand on mine.
Struggling with my emotions, I nodded, placing my other hand on top of his.
"Yes."
oooOooo
I didn't understand anymore. Maybe it was because of pride... or maybe because of longing. I did not know anymore...
All I knew was that by doing this, I would be leaving my past behind. My hands trembled, and the lone piece of intermediate paper fluttered with them. All I had to do was knock... and everything would return back to the way they were before. I would be with my family, I would be with Yoshirou, my best friend, I could visit Atsushi's grave and chat with Ryou and the other members of the Kisarazu family whenever I wished... I would be able to train the new tennis players from St. Rudolph again...
All it would take was one small step once the door was open.
And once I took it... I would truly be free.
oooOooo
It was lonely, sitting in front of the university's waiting sheds. I was waiting for my tearful mother to come and fetch me... and she was late... or maybe... I was minutes too early. I didn't know anymore. I felt empty... only the pleasure of seeing familiar faces and familiar places again the only things driving me onward. Why was I hesitating? I would finally be where I belong, right?
I sighed, starting at the familiar whirring of tires I had memorised a long time ago belonging to my mother's preferred brand of car... and her preferred way of driving. I smiled inwardly. Some things never changed. I stood up and waved, flagging my mother down.
The black family van stopped in front of me, and out came the joyful figure of my mother. Without warning, she came running straight at me and held me so tight that I gasped for breath at each squeeze. Okaasan was still the same. She never seemed to think of me as someone frail enough to break. I was shorter than her by a lot of inches... she stood as tall as Choutarou was back in junior high... and me? I never grew taller than an two inches, much to my dismay. And now, with my hair longer than hers (okaasan cropped hers again...), I'm sure many viewed me as her girlfriend.
"Hajime... I missed you so much!" She squealed when she finally decided I was turning a brilliant shade of blue. "I'm so happy you're finally going home and you're going to study back in St. Rudolph again!" She raved while she helped me transfer my things at the back of the van. "Yoshirou-kun was so psyched to see you again too – and Ryou-kun... and Yuuta-kun too!"
Her laughter was contagious, and soon, I was laughing with her over what my cousin did to Yuuta with a water balloon the other day. And then, her mirth suddenly subsided.
"Jime-chan..." She murmured gently, training inquisitive eyes at me. "It's not as if I didn't want to come here and fetch you, but... you have your own car... why did you...?"
I looked up at her and smiled. "I wanted to see you... that's all..."
Gently, she stroked my hair. "Jime... could it be that you're scared you wouldn't want to go after all if no one dragged you away?"
It was then that I found myself crying in her arms, my head buried between her breasts, pillowed in the softness I had found comfort in ever since I was a child. I felt as if I was six again... so powerless... but it didn't matter. She understood me... like she always did... and that was enough.
It took a few moments before I calmed down and she started with her familiar brand of banter again. Guess I had to spill when we get home... or else we would stay in the shed all night.
"There!" She said with childish flourish. "All packed in!" then she turned to me and tilted her head invitingly... one that reminded me much about Choutarou's own encouraging motions. "I'll get in and wait for you when you're ready to go, okay?"
I smiled and nodded, sitting down for a while, commencing on looking back at the stars. Tears came unbidden down my cheeks. I was finally leaving.
I was leaving everything behind.
I was leaving Ryo's encouraging self that had gotten me through so much already.
I was leaving Fuji's addictive kisses that I had enjoyed even for a short while.
I was leaving Tezuka-san's quiet support and unparalleled leadership that had taught me how to give what I had to others.
I was leaving Atobe-san's airy countenance that had made me smile for a short while.
I was leaving Inui's stupid juice that had me shaking in my pants whenever I was to be his partner in school and out.
I was leaving Hiyoshi's constant snotty remarks about how people should do stuff, for it helped me restore my worth even for a single moment when we were together.
I was leaving Akutsu's soft side when it came to the ones he cared for the most.
I was leaving...
I was leaving Choutarou's warmth... and comfort... and...
I shook my head, laughing softly. No sense in dwelling on it now. Slowly, I got up, making my way to the van where my mother waited patiently. I wanted to go away – desperately, but I knew that if someone I loved chased after me, I would probably stay.
Maybe I was wishing for someone to stop me... not just someone... I wanted him to stop me from going...
I wanted...
"Mizuki-san!"
I closed my eyes. It can't be... I must be hearing things...
"Mizuki-san! Don't go!"
I opened my eyes and looked up, not daring to hope... not daring to be happy...
But how could I stop myself from smiling through my falling tears?
My wish just came true.
OWARI
A/N: Oooh... I'm so sorry for the delay! I'm uploading one more side story too before posting the ninth chapter... for all the fan girls out there! I hope you enjoyed this long treat! Crack pairing everyone!