Author's Note: I don't own none of it. Not Gilmore Girls. Not George Clooney. Not any of the other pop culture texts that may pop up over the course of the story. I wish I owned George Clooney. And Scott Patterson. Mmmm, a George Clooney/Scott Patterson sandwich . . .

And now, on with the show . . .

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If Lorelai hadn't known better, she'd swear she was being Punk'd. Any minute Ashton Kutcher is going to walk through the door, she thought, laughing and pointing and shouting 'Gotcha!' Hmmm. . .I wonder if he's still with Demi . . . She roused herself from her thoughts. Punk'd had been canceled—she cursed the Gods of Trash T.V.—and this was reality.

She was standing before the one cell in the Stars Hollow Jail. Waiting to bail out Luke Danes.

She crossed slowly and quietly, and leaned against the bars of the cell. "Pssst!" Luke stirred, and turned to look at her.

"The Super Bowl Party's been moved from next Sunday to this Sunday," she stage-whispered.

"What?"

"I said, 'The Super Bowl Party's been moved from next Sunday to this Sunday."

"Lorelai, what in the hell are you talking about?"

"It's from Out of Sight. George Clooney. Jailbird humor."

Luke stood up and came toward the cell door. "Oh. Right. Well, hey, I'm laughing on the inside."

"So, whatcha in for, Sparky? Dirty coppers raid your speakeasy again? You get caught holding up the Deadwood Stage?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Did you come to torture me or to bail me outta here?"

"Oh, I think I can do both at the same time," she grinned. "I'm all about multi-tasking."

"Lucky me."

"I'm just standing here, trying to figure out how Luke Danes, mild-mannered, tree-hugging, veggie-eating, flannel-wearing diner owner and pillar of the community ended up in the slammer.

"I--"

"the clink--"

"Lorelai--"

"the hoosegow--"

"Stop it!"

"Hey! Watch it, Cool Hand Luke—Hee! Cool Hand Luke! If you're not nice to me, I'll just leave you here. You'll end up being sent Up the River for twenty years and becoming the girlfriend of a big bald guy named Shirley. I hear flannel really turns them on in the Big House."

"Aw, Jeez ."

Lorelai opened her mouth to torture him some more, but at that moment Coop entered and unlocked the cell door. "Okay, Luke you're free to go now. Here's your stuff, and I just need you to sign these." He handed Luke a couple of papers, along with his wallet and his blue baseball cap.

At the sight of the hat, Lorelai gave a gasp of mock outrage. "They took your hat from you? That's just like the pigs. Throw a man in the joint and take away everything that matters to him. That's cruel and unusual punishment. You don't have to take this, Luke. You should report them to the Geneva Convention. Fight the power! F- tha Police!"

Luke glared at Lorelai, then turned to Coop. "How much more time would I get for a justifiable homicide?"

Coop just laughed. Like the rest of Stars Hollow, he'd been watching and enjoying the Luke and Lorelai Show for years. "You two have a good night. And Luke, you stay out of trouble, now, y'hear?"

"I'll try," Luke said as he followed Lorelai out the door. From the other side of the door, Coop could hear Lorelai singing.

"Warden threw a party in the County Jail . . ."

"Would you stop?!?"

*******************

After a brief, quiet ride, they pulled up to the diner. Without even asking, Lorelai followed Luke inside. Instead of taking his usual spot behind the counter, Luke slumped into a chair at a table near the door. He ran his hands over his face and let out a sigh that was part exhaustion, part frustration. Lorelai sat down next to him.

"So, what happened?" she asked seriously. She knew The Mock Luke Hour Starring Lorelai Gilmore was over.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? So, what, you just thought to yourself, 'hey, it's a slow night, think I'll go hang out at the jail for awhile'?"

"I mean, it was just a bar fight. It's no big deal."

"I know it was a bar fight. Coop told me. But, Luke, it is a big deal. First, off, you don't fight. Well, except that time you wailed on Dean for breaking Rory's heart. And I seem to recall you smacking Jess upside the head a couple of times. Come to think of it, you do seem to have this weird thing about beating up on teenage boys."

"Lorelai . . ."

"And second, you don't go to bars. What were you doing hanging out at a dive like Brodie's, anyway?"

The bitterness in Luke's laugh startled her. "What, isn't that what every soon-to-be-divorced guy is supposed to do? Go down to the local seedy bar and drown his sorrows with the rest of the losers?"

"You are not a loser. And what do you mean, 'soon-to-be-divorced'?" Lorelai tried to keep her tone even. "Have you guys decided to split up after all?"

"Well, apparently Nicole has."

"Is that what she says?"

"No, but her sleeping with someone else is probably a pretty good indicator that she's heading in that general direction."

Lorelai tried to stifle a gasp and failed. "She's cheating on you? How do you know?"

"I called and some guy answered the phone."

"Well, that could have been anything. Just because there's a guy in her house doesn't mean--"

"It was 6:15. In the morning."

"Oh." Lorelai was shocked. She'd never really liked Nicole, but she couldn't believe she'd actually cheat on Luke. What woman would want some other guy when she could have Luke? He was good and kind and made the best coffee in world and had the prettiest eyes. . . At the thought of Luke's pretty eyes, Lorelai mentally slapped her own hand. Bad Lorelai. Bad. We do not think about Luke's pretty blue eyes. Or his nice, full lips. Gah! Where did that come from? No. Stop. This is Luke. Friend in need. Emphasis on friend. With herculean effort she tore her mind away from Luke's facial features and back to his marital woes. "God, Luke, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Are you sure, 'cause--"

"No."

"I could--"

"No."

Lorelai sighed. "Okay."

Luke stretched, and looked at her as if he'd just seen her for the first time that night. "You look nice," he said, taking in her black dress and strappy heels. "Hot date?"

"Eh. Lukewarm." She giggled at her own pun. "Hee! Geddit? Luke. Warm." She hoped her lame attempt at a joke would distract Luke from asking any more about her evening. In fact, Lorelai had been in the middle of . . .well, she'd been with Jason. But since she'd been dating Jason for months and never officially told Luke about him, she felt weird bringing him up now. She didn't know why she hadn't told Luke—it had just always felt strange to talk to him about her boyfriends. Suddenly, Rory's words came back to her. He's always had a thing about your guys . . .

For his part, Luke figured she'd been on a date, but he already knew more about Lorelai and That Guy than he wanted to. He'd been hearing Patty and Babette talk about Lorelai and Mr. New York with the Fancy Car for weeks. He thought he'd even seen them together before, one morning when Lorelai's jeep was stopped in front of the diner. He was also pretty sure that That Guy was the same jerk in the Mercedes who'd tailgated him through town the same morning. He sighed, wondering how many more idiots she'd have to go through before she'd look across the counter and see him. Really see him.

Lorelai, misunderstanding Luke's sigh, stood up and picked up her purse. "Oh. Yeah. I should probably get going and let you get some rest." She looked at him closely. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. By tomorrow the crippling humiliation will have receded to lingering embarrassment."

"Okay, well, call me if you need anything." As she reached the diner door, she couldn't resist one parting shot. "Hey, Luke."

"Yeah?"

She put on her best t.v. detective voice. "Don't go leaving town, now, y'hear?"