My Immortal

By Yanagi-sen

Yami no Matsuei songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.  Characters aren't mine… song's not mine… I claim the plot!!!!!  Song used is My Immortal by Evanescence.

Warnings: angst, flashbacks, spoilers for both manga and anime, implied rape

I'm so tired of being here / Suppressed by all my childish fears

It was at one time oddly comforting to watch Tsuzuki bustle about the apartment… and on the other hand, intrusive.  Hisoka wasn't made of glass, and was tired of being treated that way.  Still…

The blond shinigami shifted in his chair by the window, wrapping the blanket around him a little tighter.  It wasn't that he was cold… well, not really.  It wasn't physical.  He wasn't even hurt, anymore.  But before…

He sighed, staring out the window at the ever-present sakura.  Muraki.  The root of most of his problems, the ones that still plagued him anyway.  He shivered again.

"Hisoka, I made tea."

He jumped, and then mentally chastised himself for doing so.  It was Tsuzuki… only Tsuzuki.  "Aa."  He didn't move to take the tea and after a moment the brunette set the cup on the table nearby.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."  He caught the flash of hurt out of the corner of his eye.  Baka, he shouldn't be taking this out on Tsuzuki.  "sorry…"  He mumbled.

"That's okay, 'Soka."  Tsuzuki smiled and then turned away.

The blond sighed again.  He was so tired of jumping at shadows and biting the heads off of those who only wanted to help.

And if you have to leave / I wish that you would just leave

He wished Tsuzuki would finish up and leave.  Till the brunette left, he couldn't let himself fall apart the way he wanted to.  Wanted, no needed.  But that was something he would only willingly do in private.  It was hard enough being the newest and youngest shinigami.  They saw him as weak enough already.

Weak… pathetic… and he let Muraki get to him again!

He cursed the man again in his mind.  How many times had he regretted going out that one night… if only he hadn't walked that way.  If only he hadn't gone out at all.  If only… if only his parents had treated him differently.  If only he hadn't been born with this accursed power.

If only… the world was full of 'if only's. 

'Cause your presence still lingers here / And it won't leave me alone

The power that man still had over him.  It was sickening.  He just couldn't escape it.  He could push it to the back of his mind for days, weeks even… and then something would happen.  His scars would flare to life…  They would have to investigate some mysterious death…  He would have yet another nightmare…  Over and over again, barely granting him time to heal a bit before attacking him again.

He was so tired…

Hisoka's head slumped to the side as his body, exhausted beyond its limit, dragged him down into sleep.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

The moon… was crimson.  He'd never seen a moon like that.  And so full.

He stepped through the shadows of the sakura trees.  Holding out a hand… he caught a single petal.  It was undoubtedly pale pink in color… but odd light made it look darker… like a drop of blood on his palm.  Hearing something out of place… he looked up.

The petal fell from his hand, forgotten.

It drifted lazily to join its mates on the earth, like the blood that flowed from the woman.  A knife glinted in the scarlet moonlight.  A man, dressed in white… blood painting his clothing.  Silver hair.  An eye that seemed to catch him… freeze him.

Run.

Suddenly free of that hypnotic gaze, he turned, feet already pounding sakura petals into the ground.

A hand, catching the back of his yukata… the fabric pulling open, catching at his elbows.  Tripping, legs tangled up in the fabric.  Falling heavily, the scent of sakura laced with earth and the metallic tang of blood.  Struggling, his own obi used to bind his hands.  Being rolled onto his back, looking up into the face of the demon assaulting him.

Sakura falling over them… his clothes torn from his body… the knife carving his flesh… laughter as the man leaned closer, naked… and then…

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

He must have screamed… only that could account for the burning feeling in his throat and the dryness of his mouth.  He shuddered away from the hands on his shoulders, whimpering.

"HISOKA!!!"

Tsuzuki?  His eyes flew open… haunted emerald staring deeply into concerned amethyst.  A single tear escaped, trailing down his cheek, hot, like blood… like that night…

But you still have

All of me

In spite of all he said and had done… he still belonged to Muraki.

You used to captivate me / By your resonating life

He searched for something to do.  Hisoka didn't want him fussing over him… but what else was a concerned partner supposed to do?  He was worried for the blond.  But it was more than that.  He loved Hisoka.  He wanted to help him.

Tea… tea he could handle, no one seemed to appreciate it when he tried to cook.  Besides if he knew Hisoka, there wouldn't be much to work with in the kitchen anyways.  But tea… the blond always had tea on hand.

Tsuzuki filled the tea kettle and set it to heat on the stove.  A couple cups… some of the loose green tea the younger shinigami favored…  The brunette drummed his fingers on the counter.  He glanced over to where Hisoka was sitting in a chair by the window.  The blond looked so fragile, a sentiment he wouldn't enjoy in the least.  Tsuzuki knew that the boy was stronger than he appeared, with his powers being what they were… the kid might be the toughest one in the department.  No one else's 'gifts' were so… debilitating, for lack of a better word.  No one else had to deal not only with their own thoughts and feelings, but everyone around them as well.

Unfortunately the blonde's temper, a self-defense mechanism if he'd ever seen one, made it extremely difficult to get close to the boy.  At the same time, Tsuzuki felt drawn to his occasionally difficult partner.

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

The tea ready, he took it in to Hisoka who was just staring out the window.  He would bet his dessert allowance that the blond wasn't seeing anything out there.  "Hisoka, I made tea."

He watched as the younger shinigami jumped, startled.  Baka, he should have made some noise coming over.  But Hisoka was so… aware… he usually didn't sneak up on him like that.

"Aa."

When the blond didn't move to take the tea, he set the cup down on a nearby table.  He had to say something… those eyes just looked at him, so empty.  "Are you hungry?"

"No."

The harshness of Hisoka's tone hurt a bit.  He reminded himself that the boy was having a very difficult week.  It must have shown on his face as the blond mumbled an apology.  "That's okay, 'Soka."  He smiled to let him know he wasn't offended then went back to the kitchen and his own waiting tea.

Damn Muraki…

Your face it haunts / My once pleasant dreams

He sipped the warm liquid, it was a little bitter.  In spite of his love of sweets, he didn't mind though.  He rolled the tea around on his tongue before letting it slide down his throat.  Glancing into the other room, he noticed Hisoka had fallen asleep.  Well that was good; he didn't think the boy had slept much lately.

In sleep the lines of stress smoothed out, leaving the shinigami looking peaceful.  Peaceful and so very young.  Young and beautiful.

Sighing, he shoved his feelings down deep behind mental walls that even Hisoka's powers couldn't touch.  It wouldn't do for the blond to know what he was thinking; the troubled shinigami didn't need that on top of everything else.  He had hope that eventually Hisoka would be able to move past his trauma.

Till then… well… his dreams would have to be enough.

Your voice it chased away / All the sanity in me

It shocked and amazed him that this latest in a long line of partners would be the one to get under his skin so thoroughly.  Not even Tatsumi had managed to get as deep as this frustrating wisp of a boy had.  Hisoka had seen into the darkest parts of his soul, and hadn't run away.  He hadn't dropped Tsuzuki like every other partner had for seventy years.  And even though all his wounds had been reopened… they were healing better than they had before.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Hisoka hadn't run screaming… if he seen this darkness in someone else, Tsuzuki wasn't sure that he wouldn't have done just that.  This darkness… was something he couldn't explain, didn't understand, that bound him to this unending existence… it frightened him.  He was frightened more for what he might do if he wasn't in control.  That was one reason why his partners had never lasted long… he had pushed them away, forced them out, before they could get to close… before they could see the darkness… before they could be hurt by him.

Tatsumi had gotten too close.  And while the now secretary had been able to deal with his darkened soul; he hadn't been able to handle the rest of Tsuzuki's fractured psyche.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

Hisoka could… because Hisoka was just as broken inside.  Hisoka could accept the darkness… because Hisoka had seen one who was even darker.  Hisoka came for him… fought for him… wouldn't let him die without taking the blond with him.  Tatsumi had been ready to accept his wishes… Touda had accepted his desire to die, even though the fire snake had to have known what the others would have done to him in return.  But not Hisoka.

But you still have / All of me

Suddenly, Hisoka screamed.  Tsuzuki nearly overturned the chair he had settled into in his haste to get to the boy.  The blond was crying out in his sleep and from his words, the brunette knew exactly what the shinigami was dreaming of.

He grabbed the blonde's shoulders.  "Hisoka… wake up… HISOKA!"

The boy recoiled from him, then his eyes flew open and concerned amethyst met haunted green.  A single tear escaped those pooling in the younger shinigami's eyes.  He pulled the blond into his arms, ignoring how Hisoka stiffened uncomfortably.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along 

When Tsuzuki embraced him, Hisoka stiffened out of reflex.  But the brunette wouldn't allow himself to be pushed away and after a moment, the blond relaxed a bit.  The rest of the tears leaked out to dampen the fabric of Tsuzuki's shirt.

He had tried to tell himself so many times that Muraki couldn't hurt him anymore.  That the man was gone, that he had no power over him anymore… but… but parts of him refused to listen.

"It's okay, Hisoka… it will be okay…"

Two broken souls… surrounded by others who cared and wanted to help… but both alone in their separate pain.  Or were they…

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

Tsuzuki just held him as he cried.  Tsubaki… poor Tsubaki…

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

Hisoka flung his arms around him as the fires burned closer and closer.  "Live for me…"

I held your hand through all of these years

They cried now together, letting the emotions long bottled to finally escape.  As the bitter tears slowed, Tsuzuki picked Hisoka up and stepped over to the couch.  He sat again and leaned back, curling the blond into the curve of his body, wrapping his arms around the thin shoulders.  Hisoka's tired body soaked up the warmth radiating from the larger man as his mind soaked up the comfort and security offered by those welcoming arms and feelings.  They stayed like that for the rest of the night, long after all the tears had stopped.

But you still have

All of me

-owari-

AN: I've wanted to use this song for a while… but had to wait for a plot to come along.  I thought the lyrics and even the title really fit Tsu and Hisoka… and even Muraki if you really think about it.  ^_^