Unfamiliar
Guilt isn't something I'm used to. Remorse, regret, they just don't fit into my who-cares-just-do-it world view. So it's totally unfamiliar and I feel like shit. I've screwed things up with the only girl I've ever liked and respected as well as fancying, I've got two hundred dollars burning a hole in my pocket that I can't spend, and for once in my life I've got no idea how to sort it out.
What's worse is that she's made it so clear how gutted she feels. In front of the whole class. She's letting the world see her cry, and that's just not like her. I feel like such a bastard. Which I am, I guess. I never meant for it all to turn out this way. Never expected to actually like the girl.
I just want to apologise, ask her to forgive me, hold her and make her smile again. Which is something else that's new. I've never been this sappy before. Anyway, she'd never listen. I need something else, something that'll get her attention and tell her what I need to say all in one go. Like the show-tune stunt. It's got to top that one though...what the hell am I going to do? I find myself thinking of what I said to Cameron - do I like the girl? Is she worth all this trouble? And the answer's got to be 'hell, yeah!', on both counts, so I've got to think of something pretty mindblowing...
Which is why I find myself casually sneaking off campus after English class, heading for town and making a purchase (solving the problem of that damn two hundred dollars along the way), then sneaking back and planting the thing in her car. It wasn't that hard to get the door open - sometimes it's useful to live up to your reputation.
The look on her face tells me I've done the right thing. I can feel my trademark grin threatening to split my face, but I force it back, appear behind her and make some jokey explanation. She doesn't punch me straight away, so I figure it's just fine to grab her and kiss her until she stops trying to talk at me and kisses me back instead. That's better. This is pretty unfamiliar territory too - not the kissing, the rest of it - but who cares? Just do it.