Chapter Five:
The End is At Hand
AN UNSPECIFIED LOCATION – Day…or is it?
Author: (opens bag) Hi, Tavy!
Tavington: Err…I know you.
Author: I know!
Tavington: Where am I?
Author: Away from that atrocious warfare which makes you seem so maliciously evil and takes the attention away from you…and your sensitive…sensitively delicious self…
Tavington: My what?!
Author: Nevermind it all, my dear William. (smothers him in kisses while he screams some more)
Tavington: THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!
COWPENS – Day
Cornwallis: Bloody Tavington!! Since he is gone, I shall take over!
BATTLEFIELD – Day
Astonishing Mess
Absolute Madness
Need I say more? Oh, there's an arm hanging from that tree…
UNSPECIFIED LOCATION – Day (still)
Tavington: I must take my leave, fair maiden.
Author: :-(
Tavington: (heroic, hair blowing in some wind) My men need me…
Author: Fine. Just remember, if you try and leave the battlefield, that pocket will explode.
Tavington: (looks down at his pants) Uh…
Author: Do you really think I would do that?
Tavington: (cough) You do like it rough…
Author: Rule number one! I am not a bloodthirsty author…just one with an excessively fangirlish demeanor and an overactive imagination. Now, you are excused.
Tavington: I'll be back.
Author: (pinches a cheek)
BATTLEFIELD – Later
Tavington: Ello! I'm back!
Cornwallis: Whatever. Just get your tush out there and fight!
Tavington: Green Dragoons!
Green Dragoons: Aye?
Tavington: CHARGE!!
Green Dragoons: Huh?
Tavington: Run that'a'way.
Benjamin: (gasp) Tavington! (hastily loads gun)
DeLancey: Our lines are failing, Benjamin!
Benjamin: Yeah, just lemme kill Tavington real quick…
DeLancey: But Benjamin, OUR LINES ARE FAILING!!
Benjamin: (getting upset) Then go FIX IT!
DeLancey: Fine. (turns up nose and walks away all French-like)
Benjamin: (giggles like a little girl as he aims for Tavington from several yards away)
Patriots Running Past Benjamin: RETREAT! RETREAT!
Benjamin: I hate my job! (runs after them) HOLD THE LINE!
Patriots: Are you out of your mind, man?
Benjamin: HOLD THE LINE!! HOLD THE LINE!! (grabs the flag and runs up some hill only to trip on some rocks)
DeLancey: Lovely.
Benjamin: NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER SURRENDER!!
Patriots: Why are you screaming?
A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
Benjamin: Where is Tavingpuss?! (starts his madman satire again)
Tavington: Insolent farming fool!
Benjamin: Ha! (shoots…and misses)
Tavington: (looks at Benjamin and then at the hole in the ground next to him) Nice shot.
Benjamin: Shut up.
Tavington: No really, nice shot.
Benjamin: You really think so?
Tavington: Yes. Very clean and straight…
Benjamin: (lunges at Tavington and the two fight)
Author: OH NO YOU DIDN'T! (kicks Benjamin)
Benjamin: WHAT?!!
Author: NO ONE lays a hand on my Tavy!
Benjamin: B-b-but it's in the script! I kill Tavington!
Author: Well, this isn't the real script, so Tavy doesn't die, 'kay?
Benjamin: (cries; on his knees) WHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!!
Tcheky and all the other actors and extras gather around Mel as the scene comes to a screeching halt.
Tcheky: Mel, it's not that serious. We're only actors.
Mel: Shut…Up!
Heath: Yeah, dude. Besides, he's in a better place right now.
Mel: He had better be at the Kraft table when I open my eyes again…
Heath: No, silly. He's with the Author now. She'll take good care of him.
Mel: (more crying and flailing) I WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM!!