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~Chapter 3: The "Wench" of Tortuga~
Apparently, prostitution is a one-way ticket to adventure on the high seas.
.
.
.
.
JACK: Ah, Tortuga. How I have missed your taverns, brothels, cathouses, massage parlors and bordellos. Ladies, it's amazing how much more skanky you look in the light of day and the harsh reality of sobriety.
WENCH1: I slap you.
WENCH2: I slap you.
WENCH3: I slap you.
WENCH4: I slap you.
GIBBS: Only four? That's hardly womanizing. You need to kick it up a notch, sir.
JACK: Right. I'll see how many chicks I can successfully woo before the fifty-seven cases of rum are loaded on board. That should reestablish my tarnished reputation and endear me to women everywhere.
MARY SUE: Help, help! I am a prostitute being propositioned by a man for sex!
JACK: How depraved! You ill-manner swine, leave that misguided strumpet alone!
DEPRAVED ILL-MANNERED SWINE: But she asked me if I-
JACK: No, you shall not harass this floozy any longer. Go back to the barn in which you were no doubt raised and leave the trollop to wallow in her own self-pity at once!
MARY SUE: At last, someone who sees past my revealing clothing, cleavage, ample curves, perfect ringlets of hair, enhancing makeup and gaudy jewelry. Let me bat my eyelashes suggestively to reinforce my seductive allure.
JACK: Even though I am on the prowl, I will ignore you because your fiery spirit threatens my masculinity.
MARY SUE: Can't I go with you? I'll buy you rum for your services in a poignant yet hilarious role reversal.
JACK: Well, usually I don't allow random tarts on the Floating Harem, I mean the Black Pearl, but seeing as I've been completely manipulated, I'll make an exception. I'll ask you how you can be useful while wagging my eyebrow suggestively.
MARY SUE: How could I, a prostitute on a ship full of sex-crazed pirates, ever be useful? Oh, I know! I could be the ship's cook! All women can cook, it's genetic.
JACK: That's the ticket. And just to make it more interesting, you'll pose as a boy posing as a middle-aged pirate, who is concealing himself as a prostitute from Tortuga. Then no one will dare threaten your virtue, which you cherish above all.
MARY SUE: Instead of making my own money, I will now have to answer the beck and call of every man on this ship for table scraps. This is a life all women would envy.
JACK: You make a mean shrimp scampi, which has coincidently reminded me of your Past, which I think about constantly. When we return to Tortuga, I will find the milkman that forced you and your twelve sisters into the bordello and give him a stern talking to. Then you will be free to sleep with men for no pay and eek out a meager living working for whoever would be sleazy enough to hire a woman such as yourself.
MARY SUE: I'm so happy I could make a salted-pork fondue.
JACK: As tasty as that sounds, my dear painted woman of the night, it will have to wait until the denouement. I smell evil. Feel the tension and suspense rise in your tender heart.
MARY SUE: What could be more evil than my Past? Surely it is swimming towards us right now, just waiting to rain on my parade.
EVIL PAST: I make girls cry.
JACK: No, what I sense is something far worse. He is a member of the navy that actually enforces the law and jails pirates on just cause.
MARY SUE: How horrible! Do give us a few anecdotes to round out the two- dimensional characterization of evil.
JACK: Gladly. He eats baby seals and the hearts of kittens for breakfast. He once pushed an old woman down the stairs for wishing him a happy St. Swevin's Day. He even proposed to Elizabeth Swann.
MARY SUE: No!
JACK: I fear so, my aptly disgusted tramp. Evil, thy name is Norrington.
MARY SUE: His dastardly ship floats between us and adventure. Whatever shall we do?
NORRINGTON: Too late, I'm afraid. I took advantage of the exposition to sail up beside your boat and aim all of my forty cannons directly at your head. Because I am so bad to the bone, I won't even give you a trial. Prepare to die.
MARY SUE: Wait! Perhaps I could offer you myself or some tasty stew to spare us.
NORRINGTON: Stew, you say? Does it have the blood of an innocent lamb in it?
JACK: Go for the eyes! It's the source of his unholy power!
STEW: My meaty goodness scalds you!
NORRINGTON: Sweet merciful devil from which I was spawned, she scalded me!
MARY SUE: Take that, justice system! People will no longer be accountable for their crimes!
NORRINGTON: My eyes! My cold, unfeeling eyes! Everybody back to the boat. We will sail away and give them a feeling of security as they cheer our wussy retreat.
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You taught me even a prostitute can make a stew and scald people. Now I'll go back to Tortuga and start an academy of culinary arts for women who want to sneak aboard pirate ships.
JACK: Empowering women is life's one true reward. Give us a slap, love.
.
.
.
.
FIN
.
.
.
.
A/N: Just reminding, this is meant as a fun bit of humor and does not intend to make anyone self-conscious about their stories. Written only to make you smile and hopefully laugh ^-^
A long-overdue thank you to The Hopus for giving this and the previous chapters a sanity check.
An enormous thank you to Sarah G, Neveradullmoment, Juliet Norrington, Cass (Point taken ^_~), celebelai, PirateAngel, MaRySuEHaTeR, crazy llama ( not bashing, just poking fun ^-^), Seren, erf, Sereture, Meg2, wyte- tygre (Indeed it shall be ^-^), Kayden Eidyak, and FireValkyrie.
The response was completely overwhelming and made the day so much brighter and was very motivating^-^ Thank you so much!
Feedback welcome and appreciated.
.
.
.
.
~Chapter 3: The "Wench" of Tortuga~
Apparently, prostitution is a one-way ticket to adventure on the high seas.
.
.
.
.
JACK: Ah, Tortuga. How I have missed your taverns, brothels, cathouses, massage parlors and bordellos. Ladies, it's amazing how much more skanky you look in the light of day and the harsh reality of sobriety.
WENCH1: I slap you.
WENCH2: I slap you.
WENCH3: I slap you.
WENCH4: I slap you.
GIBBS: Only four? That's hardly womanizing. You need to kick it up a notch, sir.
JACK: Right. I'll see how many chicks I can successfully woo before the fifty-seven cases of rum are loaded on board. That should reestablish my tarnished reputation and endear me to women everywhere.
MARY SUE: Help, help! I am a prostitute being propositioned by a man for sex!
JACK: How depraved! You ill-manner swine, leave that misguided strumpet alone!
DEPRAVED ILL-MANNERED SWINE: But she asked me if I-
JACK: No, you shall not harass this floozy any longer. Go back to the barn in which you were no doubt raised and leave the trollop to wallow in her own self-pity at once!
MARY SUE: At last, someone who sees past my revealing clothing, cleavage, ample curves, perfect ringlets of hair, enhancing makeup and gaudy jewelry. Let me bat my eyelashes suggestively to reinforce my seductive allure.
JACK: Even though I am on the prowl, I will ignore you because your fiery spirit threatens my masculinity.
MARY SUE: Can't I go with you? I'll buy you rum for your services in a poignant yet hilarious role reversal.
JACK: Well, usually I don't allow random tarts on the Floating Harem, I mean the Black Pearl, but seeing as I've been completely manipulated, I'll make an exception. I'll ask you how you can be useful while wagging my eyebrow suggestively.
MARY SUE: How could I, a prostitute on a ship full of sex-crazed pirates, ever be useful? Oh, I know! I could be the ship's cook! All women can cook, it's genetic.
JACK: That's the ticket. And just to make it more interesting, you'll pose as a boy posing as a middle-aged pirate, who is concealing himself as a prostitute from Tortuga. Then no one will dare threaten your virtue, which you cherish above all.
MARY SUE: Instead of making my own money, I will now have to answer the beck and call of every man on this ship for table scraps. This is a life all women would envy.
JACK: You make a mean shrimp scampi, which has coincidently reminded me of your Past, which I think about constantly. When we return to Tortuga, I will find the milkman that forced you and your twelve sisters into the bordello and give him a stern talking to. Then you will be free to sleep with men for no pay and eek out a meager living working for whoever would be sleazy enough to hire a woman such as yourself.
MARY SUE: I'm so happy I could make a salted-pork fondue.
JACK: As tasty as that sounds, my dear painted woman of the night, it will have to wait until the denouement. I smell evil. Feel the tension and suspense rise in your tender heart.
MARY SUE: What could be more evil than my Past? Surely it is swimming towards us right now, just waiting to rain on my parade.
EVIL PAST: I make girls cry.
JACK: No, what I sense is something far worse. He is a member of the navy that actually enforces the law and jails pirates on just cause.
MARY SUE: How horrible! Do give us a few anecdotes to round out the two- dimensional characterization of evil.
JACK: Gladly. He eats baby seals and the hearts of kittens for breakfast. He once pushed an old woman down the stairs for wishing him a happy St. Swevin's Day. He even proposed to Elizabeth Swann.
MARY SUE: No!
JACK: I fear so, my aptly disgusted tramp. Evil, thy name is Norrington.
MARY SUE: His dastardly ship floats between us and adventure. Whatever shall we do?
NORRINGTON: Too late, I'm afraid. I took advantage of the exposition to sail up beside your boat and aim all of my forty cannons directly at your head. Because I am so bad to the bone, I won't even give you a trial. Prepare to die.
MARY SUE: Wait! Perhaps I could offer you myself or some tasty stew to spare us.
NORRINGTON: Stew, you say? Does it have the blood of an innocent lamb in it?
JACK: Go for the eyes! It's the source of his unholy power!
STEW: My meaty goodness scalds you!
NORRINGTON: Sweet merciful devil from which I was spawned, she scalded me!
MARY SUE: Take that, justice system! People will no longer be accountable for their crimes!
NORRINGTON: My eyes! My cold, unfeeling eyes! Everybody back to the boat. We will sail away and give them a feeling of security as they cheer our wussy retreat.
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You taught me even a prostitute can make a stew and scald people. Now I'll go back to Tortuga and start an academy of culinary arts for women who want to sneak aboard pirate ships.
JACK: Empowering women is life's one true reward. Give us a slap, love.
.
.
.
.
FIN
.
.
.
.
A/N: Just reminding, this is meant as a fun bit of humor and does not intend to make anyone self-conscious about their stories. Written only to make you smile and hopefully laugh ^-^
A long-overdue thank you to The Hopus for giving this and the previous chapters a sanity check.
An enormous thank you to Sarah G, Neveradullmoment, Juliet Norrington, Cass (Point taken ^_~), celebelai, PirateAngel, MaRySuEHaTeR, crazy llama ( not bashing, just poking fun ^-^), Seren, erf, Sereture, Meg2, wyte- tygre (Indeed it shall be ^-^), Kayden Eidyak, and FireValkyrie.
The response was completely overwhelming and made the day so much brighter and was very motivating^-^ Thank you so much!
Feedback welcome and appreciated.