Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Well, I own the idea of the house.
-
Teenage Wasteland
A day as usual in the Snake residence. The old man had tried to get the three of them jobs, unsuccessfully. Apparently no one wanted violent misfit teens and the english. Their resumes were as follows:
Solid Snake: I've never had a job, and I have no background history. If I did, I'd have to kill you. Maybe I should anyway... ah crap, I wrote that down. Freaking pen!
Liquid Snake: I'm an expert linguist and I came pretty damn close to dominating the world. Bloody Metal Gear's nuke wouldn't fire. I'm also a people person, and I like to help fellow man.
Solidus Snake: I'm going to be voted President for Christ's sakes! Gimme the job! Presidential material here! Job me! PS, screw the Patriots.
See why they aren't getting any jobs? Well back to the present. Big Boss usually just sat around watching his porn and getting drunk with 17 year old Gray Fox. He's like the son he actually wanted. Would enjoy ruling the world, is insanely violent and can take nine shots of whiskey and stay in his feet.
-Chapter 1-
Big Boss' Place, Kitchen.The boys are teens. All of them. Some of the girls too.
Snake: Who drank all my whiskey?!
Liquid: Oh, piss off you bloody ponce. I did you a favour, you know how you get when you drink! Besides, you're 17.
Solidus: (reading the newspaper) Yeah, and the chances of him waking up nude in bed with you just dropped.
Liquid: You sodding wanker! I'd kill you if it wasn't for the fact that you pay for most of the rent!
Snake: And we'd kick your ass if you tried.
Liquid: You maybe, but HE was killed by the oh so infamous Jack.
Solidus: You SOB, I'll tear you a new one!
Their old man walked in, one of the missing whiskey in hand.
Big Boss: No fighting in my home! If your mother was around to see this, she'd spank the lot of you.
Solidus: Mom's dead?! Why God, WHY?!
He proceeded to break down and sob.
Snake: Did he ever actually meet mom?
Liquid: Did any of us, dad excluded?
Big Boss: (takes a large swig) I never knew her, actually.
Solidus, totally recovered: Really? Can you tell us the story of how you met?
Big Boss: Fine.
Solidus: Alright, story time.
Liquid: Dear God...
Snake: Hey, it's a story coming from the old man. All his stories involve sex and alcohol.
Liquid: Sex stories, while good, don't have the same effect coming from ones father.
Snake: ... Sex and alcohol.
Liquid: Sex, alcohol, and FATHER.
Solidus: Mother too. Shut up, dim the lights, it's story time.
Big Boss. I'll start then... well right after calling a queer.
Solidus: The hell?!
Big Boss: It was the eighties, I was in mid fifties. I had managed to swift talk a Bond fan working as a bouncer that I was, in fact, Sean Connery. I got in free, and all the booze was half off. I put this to use, and drank down my $100.00 bill like a fish. I woke up the next morning in bed with two things, your mother and one hell of a hangover. I took an Advil, pulled up my pants and ran my ass out of there faster than George is off his feet with the men.
Solidus: Why the hell am I always the one on the receiving end of these!?
Big Boss: You're the oldest. She rang me up in a few months with the news that I had knocked her up good. I asked how the hell she knew my phone number. Turns out she's a stalker into older men. After seeing George get pushed out of her body like the way he enjoys things being pushed in his, I was off the bottle for two years. When I finally shook it out of my system, I went a boozing. I woke in bed with your mother, hangover and all. Dave and the blond one came out less than a year later, and a drunk shot me in the pills. Needless to say I was rendered sterile, like the three of you, and your mother quit stalking me.
Snake: Good story, aside from th parent's sex.
The other two weren't as impressed.
Solidus: You're going to damage me psychologically, you realize that,
Liquid: The blond one? I have a bloody name!
Big Boss: And the answer is..?
Liquid: (crosses his arms) Confidential.
Big Boss: They messed with your brain after getting the Arabic brainwashing out, didn't they?
Liquid: ...
Big Boss: ...
Snake: ...
Solidus: HEY! That birth story meant that I'm gay!
Big Boss: ..?
Liquid: ..?
Snake: Not at all, really.
Solidus: My bad. I tend to over think things.
Liquid: Like nuclear war machines.
Solidus: All I said was that a coffee machine in it would be a good idea! Damn Metal Gears, can't fit in Tim Horton's drive through.
Big Boss: What did I tell you about Canadian coffee? It's evil!
Snake: That was Canadian bacon, you said the coffee is actually Canada's leading crack market.
Big Boss: Then what the hell did I say about the Leaf's Jerseys?
Liquid: You never brought it up, actually.
Big Boss: That's nice. Groceries, now.
Snake: ... we have to pay for them, don't we?
Big Boss: Not we, my boy, you.
Snake: Wha- why!?
Big Boss: I mentally abuse George, I deprive you of all forms of money and I totally ignore Liquid.
Liquid: Ha! So you know I exist!
Big Boss: (feigns surprise) Who the hell are you?
Liquid: ... I'll be enjoying the satellite dish in my room.
He walks off.
Big Boss: I blocked off all your porn.
Liquid: Dammit!!
Solidus: What about mine?
Big Boss: I only left the hetero for you.
Solidus: While that is technically a good thing... you are a bastard for implying I'm a homosexual.
Big Boss: Hey Dave, you may want to pick up some tampons. George seems to be on the rag.
Solidus: That's it, I'm going to my room, you... you old fart!
Big Boss: IN THE GARAGE, SMART ASS!
Solidus: Yes sir...
Snake: Well, I'm off.
He proceeds to leave. A bullet hole appears in the ground every 5 feet to his car. He gets in and drives off.
Patriot Sniper: Dammit, I need a scope! Frigging welfare secret government.
Another sniper picks him off.
Patriot Sniper2: Sweet, now I get two paychecks.
A stealth shadow appears behind him and takes his head off.
Stealth Shadow: A teenage ninja is more dangerous than a sniper!
[GROCERY STORE]
Snake: Damn groceries... should have brought a list.
He cruises the aisles and picks up whatever interests him, by the time he reaches the cashier, he has a case of Coors Lite, a pack of fries, three boxes of burgers and a block of butter. And the tampons.
Snake: That ought to keep us going for a couple days.
Woman: Hey Snake!
Snake: Meryl! Where have you been?
Meryl: Heavy pre production of a movie I'm going to star in.
Snake: Movie!? ... Porn?
Meryl: Err, no. It's actually an action.
Snake: Do you get naked in it?
Meryl: No.
Snake: Want to do something tonight that may involve you getting naked?
Meryl: I'll show up at your place at around nine.
Snake: Sweet!
She leaves.
Snake: Alright, I'm getting laid. Yup... and at my place too... my place... CRAP!
Annoying Voice: A recipe for disaster, what will the little Snake do?
Snake: Shut up Fatass, and quit making constant references to food!
Fat Man: You dare?? I'll pop your heal like a rising souffle!
Snake: Again with the food.
Fat Man: I eat because people like you depress me!
Snake: Let's skip the sentimental part and you just start stuffing your face.
Fat Man: Why you... (breaks down and starts to eat)
Snake: Christ...
[BACK HOME]
Liquid: (eating a bowl of Cereal) Ah, happy time with my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing can ruin the moment.
The doorbell goes off.
Liquid: Crap.
Big Boss' voice: Answer the bloody door, I'm enjoying this video of Wolf.
Liquid: You found my movie!?
Big Boss: Like I didn't know your room had a flimsy ceiling.
Liquid: (get's the door) What? Is this a prank.
There's no one there. Liquid get's knocked back.
Liquid: The hell? Who's out there?!!
Silence.
Liquid: Hm... back to my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing like my Cocoa- HOLY CRAP!!!
The bowl of Cereal is empty.
Liquid: My cereal! You bastard, show yourself!
An invisible fist knocks him over.
Liquid: Arg, the Jaeger!
Stealth Shadow: (drops his stealth) So Liquid, how long is Snake going to be out?
Liquid: How in the Hell should I know?
Fox: Just wondering. Can't get a good fight out of anyone else.
Liquid: Oh really?
Fox: Yup. Why, you been hitting the weights?
Liquid: Would you like to see?
Fox: (knocks him off his feet) Looks like that's a no. Hey, where's Solidus?
Liquid: You want to take on my big brother? You got a concussion last time you tried!
Fox: Ah yes... the pain... the medicine...
Liquid: Medicine? Are you being drugged?
Fox: Nope, got a cold. Good cereal, pansy.
Liquid: Watch your mouth or I'll crack your numb skull in.
Fox: (smacks him) Make me feel it...
Liquid: But I can't, you're my dad's best drinking buddy.
Fox: That's alright. I bet your too much of a pansy to handle me anyways, aren't you, momma's boy?
Liquid: What- Say that again!
Fox: I would, but I'm afraid I'd overload that pea brain of yours.
Liquid: ... (scratches the back of his head while he deduces what Fox just said) Take that back!
Fox: Hit me!
Liquid: That's it, your going down! (pulls a knife out of the cabinet) GLADIATOR!!
[LATER]
Snake: (kicks the door in) Crap, Meryl's coming down! Liquid, help me clean up all this blood and... blood? What the hell happened?
Liquid: (eating his cereal) I'm not going to deny it, I killed the Fox.
Snake: What the shit?! You killed Fox?
Big Boss: YOU DID WHAT?!
He kicks in the door to the kitchen.
Big Boss: Frankie, where are you?!
Fox: Taking a crap. Fighting the blond guy got boring so I replaced myself with a ham and walked off.
Big Boss: Ah, relief. (smacks Liquid)
Liquid: Arg, my head.
Big Boss: Never attack Frankie again, he's my only son!
Snake: Actually dad, you have three. He isn't even one of us.
Big Boss: Unfortunately. I'm stuck with you.
Snake: Ouch.
Fox: (enters the room) Big Boss, sir. Hey Snake! Wanna beat the shit out of each other?!
Snake: Not today, I've got a date!
Fox: Alright, let's do- WHAT?! You're not going to take me on???
Snake: I'm getting laid!
Liquid: You're what!?
Big Boss: That's my boy.
Snake: I thought you hated me?
Big Boss: Shut up boy.
Snake: Damn... gotta go get ready.
He leaves.
Fox: No fight... no pain... must kill Vamp.
Liquid: No, wait!
Fox: Alright then... maim Ocelot. All good.
Liquid: We can screw Snake's date over royally!
Fox: I'm listening...
Liquid: No your not, you're stabbing your arm with a knife!
Fox: A dull one.
Liquid: You can use your stealth to ruin the date horribly!! Snake'll never know what happened!
Fox: Or... I can track down and murder Snake's girl incognito. Snake will never know.
Liquid: Why do you want to murder everyone?
Big Boss: Don't mess with something that's already perfect. I'm in, let's embarrass the crap our of Snake.
Fox: And molest his girl.
Big Boss: No rape and no murder in this house.
Fox: Crap.
*
*
Will their evil plot to ruin Snake's date succeed? I don't know, I haven't gotten that far yet. Review the answer to me... or whatever. I'll choose myself.
-
Teenage Wasteland
A day as usual in the Snake residence. The old man had tried to get the three of them jobs, unsuccessfully. Apparently no one wanted violent misfit teens and the english. Their resumes were as follows:
Solid Snake: I've never had a job, and I have no background history. If I did, I'd have to kill you. Maybe I should anyway... ah crap, I wrote that down. Freaking pen!
Liquid Snake: I'm an expert linguist and I came pretty damn close to dominating the world. Bloody Metal Gear's nuke wouldn't fire. I'm also a people person, and I like to help fellow man.
Solidus Snake: I'm going to be voted President for Christ's sakes! Gimme the job! Presidential material here! Job me! PS, screw the Patriots.
See why they aren't getting any jobs? Well back to the present. Big Boss usually just sat around watching his porn and getting drunk with 17 year old Gray Fox. He's like the son he actually wanted. Would enjoy ruling the world, is insanely violent and can take nine shots of whiskey and stay in his feet.
-Chapter 1-
Big Boss' Place, Kitchen.The boys are teens. All of them. Some of the girls too.
Snake: Who drank all my whiskey?!
Liquid: Oh, piss off you bloody ponce. I did you a favour, you know how you get when you drink! Besides, you're 17.
Solidus: (reading the newspaper) Yeah, and the chances of him waking up nude in bed with you just dropped.
Liquid: You sodding wanker! I'd kill you if it wasn't for the fact that you pay for most of the rent!
Snake: And we'd kick your ass if you tried.
Liquid: You maybe, but HE was killed by the oh so infamous Jack.
Solidus: You SOB, I'll tear you a new one!
Their old man walked in, one of the missing whiskey in hand.
Big Boss: No fighting in my home! If your mother was around to see this, she'd spank the lot of you.
Solidus: Mom's dead?! Why God, WHY?!
He proceeded to break down and sob.
Snake: Did he ever actually meet mom?
Liquid: Did any of us, dad excluded?
Big Boss: (takes a large swig) I never knew her, actually.
Solidus, totally recovered: Really? Can you tell us the story of how you met?
Big Boss: Fine.
Solidus: Alright, story time.
Liquid: Dear God...
Snake: Hey, it's a story coming from the old man. All his stories involve sex and alcohol.
Liquid: Sex stories, while good, don't have the same effect coming from ones father.
Snake: ... Sex and alcohol.
Liquid: Sex, alcohol, and FATHER.
Solidus: Mother too. Shut up, dim the lights, it's story time.
Big Boss. I'll start then... well right after calling a queer.
Solidus: The hell?!
Big Boss: It was the eighties, I was in mid fifties. I had managed to swift talk a Bond fan working as a bouncer that I was, in fact, Sean Connery. I got in free, and all the booze was half off. I put this to use, and drank down my $100.00 bill like a fish. I woke up the next morning in bed with two things, your mother and one hell of a hangover. I took an Advil, pulled up my pants and ran my ass out of there faster than George is off his feet with the men.
Solidus: Why the hell am I always the one on the receiving end of these!?
Big Boss: You're the oldest. She rang me up in a few months with the news that I had knocked her up good. I asked how the hell she knew my phone number. Turns out she's a stalker into older men. After seeing George get pushed out of her body like the way he enjoys things being pushed in his, I was off the bottle for two years. When I finally shook it out of my system, I went a boozing. I woke in bed with your mother, hangover and all. Dave and the blond one came out less than a year later, and a drunk shot me in the pills. Needless to say I was rendered sterile, like the three of you, and your mother quit stalking me.
Snake: Good story, aside from th parent's sex.
The other two weren't as impressed.
Solidus: You're going to damage me psychologically, you realize that,
Liquid: The blond one? I have a bloody name!
Big Boss: And the answer is..?
Liquid: (crosses his arms) Confidential.
Big Boss: They messed with your brain after getting the Arabic brainwashing out, didn't they?
Liquid: ...
Big Boss: ...
Snake: ...
Solidus: HEY! That birth story meant that I'm gay!
Big Boss: ..?
Liquid: ..?
Snake: Not at all, really.
Solidus: My bad. I tend to over think things.
Liquid: Like nuclear war machines.
Solidus: All I said was that a coffee machine in it would be a good idea! Damn Metal Gears, can't fit in Tim Horton's drive through.
Big Boss: What did I tell you about Canadian coffee? It's evil!
Snake: That was Canadian bacon, you said the coffee is actually Canada's leading crack market.
Big Boss: Then what the hell did I say about the Leaf's Jerseys?
Liquid: You never brought it up, actually.
Big Boss: That's nice. Groceries, now.
Snake: ... we have to pay for them, don't we?
Big Boss: Not we, my boy, you.
Snake: Wha- why!?
Big Boss: I mentally abuse George, I deprive you of all forms of money and I totally ignore Liquid.
Liquid: Ha! So you know I exist!
Big Boss: (feigns surprise) Who the hell are you?
Liquid: ... I'll be enjoying the satellite dish in my room.
He walks off.
Big Boss: I blocked off all your porn.
Liquid: Dammit!!
Solidus: What about mine?
Big Boss: I only left the hetero for you.
Solidus: While that is technically a good thing... you are a bastard for implying I'm a homosexual.
Big Boss: Hey Dave, you may want to pick up some tampons. George seems to be on the rag.
Solidus: That's it, I'm going to my room, you... you old fart!
Big Boss: IN THE GARAGE, SMART ASS!
Solidus: Yes sir...
Snake: Well, I'm off.
He proceeds to leave. A bullet hole appears in the ground every 5 feet to his car. He gets in and drives off.
Patriot Sniper: Dammit, I need a scope! Frigging welfare secret government.
Another sniper picks him off.
Patriot Sniper2: Sweet, now I get two paychecks.
A stealth shadow appears behind him and takes his head off.
Stealth Shadow: A teenage ninja is more dangerous than a sniper!
[GROCERY STORE]
Snake: Damn groceries... should have brought a list.
He cruises the aisles and picks up whatever interests him, by the time he reaches the cashier, he has a case of Coors Lite, a pack of fries, three boxes of burgers and a block of butter. And the tampons.
Snake: That ought to keep us going for a couple days.
Woman: Hey Snake!
Snake: Meryl! Where have you been?
Meryl: Heavy pre production of a movie I'm going to star in.
Snake: Movie!? ... Porn?
Meryl: Err, no. It's actually an action.
Snake: Do you get naked in it?
Meryl: No.
Snake: Want to do something tonight that may involve you getting naked?
Meryl: I'll show up at your place at around nine.
Snake: Sweet!
She leaves.
Snake: Alright, I'm getting laid. Yup... and at my place too... my place... CRAP!
Annoying Voice: A recipe for disaster, what will the little Snake do?
Snake: Shut up Fatass, and quit making constant references to food!
Fat Man: You dare?? I'll pop your heal like a rising souffle!
Snake: Again with the food.
Fat Man: I eat because people like you depress me!
Snake: Let's skip the sentimental part and you just start stuffing your face.
Fat Man: Why you... (breaks down and starts to eat)
Snake: Christ...
[BACK HOME]
Liquid: (eating a bowl of Cereal) Ah, happy time with my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing can ruin the moment.
The doorbell goes off.
Liquid: Crap.
Big Boss' voice: Answer the bloody door, I'm enjoying this video of Wolf.
Liquid: You found my movie!?
Big Boss: Like I didn't know your room had a flimsy ceiling.
Liquid: (get's the door) What? Is this a prank.
There's no one there. Liquid get's knocked back.
Liquid: The hell? Who's out there?!!
Silence.
Liquid: Hm... back to my Cocoa Puffs. Yup, nothing like my Cocoa- HOLY CRAP!!!
The bowl of Cereal is empty.
Liquid: My cereal! You bastard, show yourself!
An invisible fist knocks him over.
Liquid: Arg, the Jaeger!
Stealth Shadow: (drops his stealth) So Liquid, how long is Snake going to be out?
Liquid: How in the Hell should I know?
Fox: Just wondering. Can't get a good fight out of anyone else.
Liquid: Oh really?
Fox: Yup. Why, you been hitting the weights?
Liquid: Would you like to see?
Fox: (knocks him off his feet) Looks like that's a no. Hey, where's Solidus?
Liquid: You want to take on my big brother? You got a concussion last time you tried!
Fox: Ah yes... the pain... the medicine...
Liquid: Medicine? Are you being drugged?
Fox: Nope, got a cold. Good cereal, pansy.
Liquid: Watch your mouth or I'll crack your numb skull in.
Fox: (smacks him) Make me feel it...
Liquid: But I can't, you're my dad's best drinking buddy.
Fox: That's alright. I bet your too much of a pansy to handle me anyways, aren't you, momma's boy?
Liquid: What- Say that again!
Fox: I would, but I'm afraid I'd overload that pea brain of yours.
Liquid: ... (scratches the back of his head while he deduces what Fox just said) Take that back!
Fox: Hit me!
Liquid: That's it, your going down! (pulls a knife out of the cabinet) GLADIATOR!!
[LATER]
Snake: (kicks the door in) Crap, Meryl's coming down! Liquid, help me clean up all this blood and... blood? What the hell happened?
Liquid: (eating his cereal) I'm not going to deny it, I killed the Fox.
Snake: What the shit?! You killed Fox?
Big Boss: YOU DID WHAT?!
He kicks in the door to the kitchen.
Big Boss: Frankie, where are you?!
Fox: Taking a crap. Fighting the blond guy got boring so I replaced myself with a ham and walked off.
Big Boss: Ah, relief. (smacks Liquid)
Liquid: Arg, my head.
Big Boss: Never attack Frankie again, he's my only son!
Snake: Actually dad, you have three. He isn't even one of us.
Big Boss: Unfortunately. I'm stuck with you.
Snake: Ouch.
Fox: (enters the room) Big Boss, sir. Hey Snake! Wanna beat the shit out of each other?!
Snake: Not today, I've got a date!
Fox: Alright, let's do- WHAT?! You're not going to take me on???
Snake: I'm getting laid!
Liquid: You're what!?
Big Boss: That's my boy.
Snake: I thought you hated me?
Big Boss: Shut up boy.
Snake: Damn... gotta go get ready.
He leaves.
Fox: No fight... no pain... must kill Vamp.
Liquid: No, wait!
Fox: Alright then... maim Ocelot. All good.
Liquid: We can screw Snake's date over royally!
Fox: I'm listening...
Liquid: No your not, you're stabbing your arm with a knife!
Fox: A dull one.
Liquid: You can use your stealth to ruin the date horribly!! Snake'll never know what happened!
Fox: Or... I can track down and murder Snake's girl incognito. Snake will never know.
Liquid: Why do you want to murder everyone?
Big Boss: Don't mess with something that's already perfect. I'm in, let's embarrass the crap our of Snake.
Fox: And molest his girl.
Big Boss: No rape and no murder in this house.
Fox: Crap.
*
*
Will their evil plot to ruin Snake's date succeed? I don't know, I haven't gotten that far yet. Review the answer to me... or whatever. I'll choose myself.