Title: The Q Experience

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

Rating: PG

Genre: Humor/General

Summary: Returning to Enterprise from a diplomatic mission, Archer and Phlox discover that the rest of the senior crew are not quite what they used to be. And Q makes sure Archer learns his lesson...

Disclaimer: We do not own Enterprise. No. Really. We don't. Who'd've thought.

AN: Ookay, this is one crazy crazy story (the letter Q in the title kinda gives it away), but we just needed that after "Lost in Darkness" (our previous fic; very angsty and very sad). Don't say we didn't warn you! But maybe you'll like it after all, if you do, please review ;-)! And by the way, this is not a TNG story; only the prologue takes place in the 24th century, the rest is all about our old friends, Archer, Tucker, Reed and so on.

Looks like this is turning into another one of our long rambling author's notes, so we're gonna shut up now and leave to reading, enjoying and reviewing (pleeeaaazze??). Okay, we admit it, we are addicted.

Anyway, blahblahblah, now we're off, have fun! :-)

Dedicated to all poor suffering babysitters, kindergarden teachers, parents and older brothers and sisters out there - don't let them get you!

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Chapter 1: No Place Like Home

Picard was sitting on the left warp nacelle of the Enterprise D, staring at the stars flying past. At warp 6 they looked like colored streaks of light. Under normal circumstances he would have been killed in quite an unpleasant way, being out here without a spacesuit. Not to mention the warp speed, which would have blasted him away into nothingness in a matter of seconds. Normally. Nothing happened, though.

Before Picard had the chance to muse upon this fascinating phenomenon, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head – and got furious. Really furious. In the vacuum he should have frozen minutes ago, but instead he felt an angry heat building in his stomach. His famous self control was put to a hard test as he tried to keep himself from slapping the man sitting beside him right then and there.

"Mon capitaine! You seem a little indisposed! Queasy stomach? Don't like the view?"

"Q! I want an explanation! Why am I here?"

Q brushed a non-existent speck of dust off his starfleet uniform. He was trying hard to maintain his usual expression of studied somberness, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

"Really, Jean-Luc! I should think you would know – a man of your age!"

Picard stared at him uncomprehendingly when Q put a hand on his shoulder and began in a patronizing tone of voice:

"Well, Jean-Luc, let me tell you about the birds and the bees..."

"I want an explanation why I'm out here!" said Picard through clenched teeth.

"Why didn't you say so?" Q sat back with an innocent expression on his face. "I was just trying to provide some useful information."

"Q!"

"Alright, alright. I brought you here to show you my empire." Q waved his hand at the stars.

"What?"

"See, Jean-Luc, I just think that from time to time you need a little demonstration of power to remind you of your own insignificance. Otherwise you'll develop an exaggerated self-confidence," he added like a concerned parent.

Picard forced himself to take a deep breath. Then he answered, careful to keep his voice level:

"Q. It's only been two months since your last visit."

Q raised his eyebrows.

"Does that mean, you're less than happy to see me?"

Picard didn't think it necessary to answer.

"Jean-Luc, I am really hurt. After all I'm only trying to support the positive development of humanity."

"Listen, Q." Picard folded his hands with studied calm. "You just interrupted an important meeting of the senior crew. Eight weeks ago you transferred my whole crew back into the Cretaceous period and Commander Riker did only narrowly escape the tyrannosaur. Not to mention your recent duel with Lwaxana Troi on my ship and the resulting damage. Would you be so kind as to explain how exactly you are supporting the positive development of our race?"

Q actually looked slightly sheepish. Obviously the mention of Lwaxana brought back certain memories that were not too pleasant.

"Well... I repaired the damage, after all."

"That does not answer my question."

Q sighed melancholically.

"You're right, Jean-Luc. But everybody needs to have a little fun now and then and it's just that you are my hobby. With the exception of Lieutenant Worf – I like to occupy myself with intellectual challenging matters in my spare time."

Picard ignored that last remark. He saw that, as usual, it was no use arguing rationally with Q. Distract him, he thought. That will do the trick.

"How about occupying yourself with something different, for a change? There are others to this universe who could also need a little support in their development, you know."

His irony was totally wasted on Q.

"But I just get the most fun out of you! You are so serious, so noble, so enlightened, so heroic! You remind me of my youth!"

"You were a child once?" Picard hadn't intended to ask that question, but now he couldn't take it back.

Q smiled sweetly.

"Yes, once upon a time I was a little Q. Oh I was such a little ray of sunshine..."

Suddenly Q looked at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. Picard's stomach gave a lurch.

"By the way: how about you, mon capitaine? Little Jean-Luc, was he a cute kid?"

Picard did not like the direction their conversation was taking.

"What are you talking about, Q?"

Q seemed to be seeing wonderful images in his mind.

"Yes, now that would be interesting... what was he like, little Jean-Luc... and Billy Riker... and little Worf... wouldn't that be lovely..."

He had already raised his hand when Picard grabbed his arm.

"No!! Please, Q-"

Q gave him a look of honest surprise.

"Now, Jean-Luc, I'm taken aback! We are not going to beg, are we?"

"If that's what you want." Picard didn't care anymore; if there was even the slightest chance of sparing his crew the ordeal Q had in mind for them, then he wasn't going to pass it up for something as secondary as his personal dignity.

"Please, Q. Not this time. Everybody deserves a break now and then. And that includes even us. Please – take someone else this time!"

A moment's hesitation. Then Q snapped his fingers.

Picard returned to the briefing room as suddenly as he had disappeared ten minutes ago. He saw the surprised expressions on his senior officer's faces and realized much to his relief that nobody had transformed into a screaming infant. He opened his mouth to explain what had happened, when all of a sudden words formed on the monitor in front of him.

"I would have missed the element of surprise. Anyway, there are more heroes to this universe. Enjoy your break."

Picard took a deep breath and decided that he wouldn't even try to find out what that was supposed to mean.

-###-

"You know what I'm really looking forward to, Doc?"

Archer half turned in the shuttle's pilot seat and looked back at Phlox who met his eyes with a look of long-suffering patience.

"What, Captain?" he asked in his I-won't-ask-you-to-shut-the-hell-up-if-only-because-you're-the-captain tone of voice.

"I'm looking forward to talking to people who don't change their mind every two seconds and expect you to take their every mood into consideration," Archer said, not caring if he was driving Phlox crazy with his constant yammering. He simply felt the need to share his frustration about their recent diplomatic mission - which, by the way, had gone less than smoothly - and Phlox had the misfortune of being the only person within hearing range. And after all, he was the captain.

Phlox sighed. "I know, Captain. You told me so at least... eight times, hm?"

Archer raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry," he said, thinking that he was also looking forward to talking to someone else than the doctor who had the enviable but also slightly annoying talent of maintaining a never-waving enthusiasm about each and every alien culture they encountered on their mission. However... eccentric they might be.

"You don't have to be sorry," Phlox said pleasantly. "I've noticed that for humans releasing certain tensions-"

"Alright, Doc." Archer held up his hands, knowing only too well what Phlox was about to say. "I'll shut up, but don't you get started about "certain tensions"."

"Whatever you say," Phlox said, sounding slightly disappointed. Archer sighed inwardly. He found that he was beginning to feel just a little irritated, both with the doctor and with this whole useless diplomatic mission.

When they'd made first contact with the Kareedians, their Head of Government hadn't been too eager to talk to any outworlders, saying they were not interested in visitors. After half an hour of fruitless conversation with some government official Archer had given up, said his goodbyes and told Travis to set a course to a nearby asteroid field. They'd been mapping the field for about two hours when they were suddenly being hailed, and a quite flustered government official appeared on the screen, announcing meekly that the Head of Government was now ready to talk to them. Archer had been quite annoyed, but he'd agreed anyway, not wanting to miss the chance of making friendly contact with a new species.

Friendly contact with a new species, that's a good one, Archer thought sardonically, punching away at the navigation controls with a little more force than necessary. He and Phlox had taken a shuttle and flown back to the Kareedian homeworld, hoping they would be able to find some common ground with these people after all. When they'd entered orbit, however, that official had contacted them again, apologizing profusely, telling them that the Head of Government was feeling a bit indisposed and wasn't inclined to receive any visitors at the moment.

Only Phlox' quick intervention had prevented an interstellar incident. Telling the official that this was "no problem at all, hmmm", the doctor had quickly cut the connection, leaving Archer to scream and holler at a blank screen. So they'd left again, and after a four hours of being stuck in this shuttle with his ever-smiling CMO, Archer found that he was really looking forward to being back in his quarters on Enterprise where he could vent some of his frustration by not feeding cheese to Porthos and throwing his water ball against the wall.

Leaning back in his chair, Archer looked out the front window and raised his eyebrows in surprise when he spotted Enterprise's small white form in the distance. Checking the scanner's display, Archer noticed that they'd been in comm range to the ship for quite a while. No one had tried to hail them so far, though. Archer frowned.

"Archer to Enterprise."

No one answered. His frown deepening, Archer recalibrated the frequency settings and tried again.

"Archer to Enterprise. Please come in."

Again, there was no answer, and from the corner of his eye Archer saw Phlox turn in his seat.

"Is there something wrong, Captain?"

Archer shook his head a little, pushing a few more buttons on the console. "I don't know. They're not responding." He paused. "Archer to Enterprise. Hoshi? Can you hear me?"

Silence. Calling up the menu, Archer initiated a diagnosis check of the console and a few seconds later a beeping noise confirmed that there was indeed no malfunction in the shuttle's comm system. Phlox got up from his chair and bent over Archer's shoulder, looking at the display as well.

"They're not answering?" he asked and Archer rolled his eyes inwardly. Give the man a prize, he thought, his annoyance growing with every second.

"No, doc," he said. "Seems like they're not."

He pressed the transmitter button once again. "Captain Archer to Enterprise! Please come in!"

A moment of silence followed, then a faint crackle came from the speaker, and a tentative voice spoke up. "Hello?"

Archer's confusion grew. It was certainly not Hoshi who had answered his hail; the voice had sounded more like the voice of... a young girl.

"Who's there?" he asked, and there was a short pause before the voice answered again.

"This is T'Pol."

Turning his head, Archer met Phlox' eyes and saw his own confusion mirrored on the doctor's face. Shaking his head, he'd just opened his mouth to say something else when it hit him.

Just what I need, he thought. One of Trip's stupid jokes.

Pressing the button again, he strode for his most authoritative tone of voice. "Okay, now cut it out. I'm one very cranky, very tired man and I don't need any practical jokes from my crew right now. So cut the crap and let me talk to Hoshi."

Another stretch of silence followed. "Hoshi?" 'T'Pol's' voice asked, sounding a little confused.

Archer sighed. "Yes. Hoshi. Please."

A rustling sound came from the speaker, and Archer drummed his fingers on the console, feeling more than a little annoyed. And here they say Starfleet officers have too much work on their hands, he thought. I bet it took Trip hours to do this.

Another sound came through the open channel and Archer heard T'Pol's voice again. "You need to say something."

A few crackling noises, then: "H-Hello?" a second voice whispered, sounding of all things like the voice of a three-year-old child. Archer buried his face in his hands.

"Will-you-please-stop-it?"

T'Pol's voice sounded even more bewildered as she answered. "I believe you wanted to talk to Hoshi? Did you not?"

"Okayokayokayokay." Archer swung around in his chair. "Let's put it on visual."

He switched a button, and a moment later he heard Phlox' voice. "How interesting."

Archer turned his head - and froze. On the console's small screen there was a clear full-shot image of Enterprise's bridge, looking like it always did. Except for the officers. They were gone. The only people left on the bridge were a small dark-skinned boy sitting in the Captain's chair, grinning and waving at him, and a young Vulcan girl, maybe twelve years old, perched on the chair behind the comm console. A small Asian girl was sitting on her lap. The two little kids were wearing miniature versions of blue Starfleet overalls, while the Vulcan girl was clothed in what looked like a smaller replica of T'Pol's usual catsuit. The look on her face told Archer that she was just as surprised at his sudden appearance on the main screen as he was at hers.

"What... who are you?" Archer asked after a moment when he trusted himself to speak again. The Vulcan raised an eyebrow.

"I told you before. I am T'Pol. I believe you said you were... Captain... Archer?"

She said the name as if she'd never heard it before. Archer stared at her, not quite able to believe what was right in front of his eyes. It seemed like this was no practical joke, after all. It almost seemed like...

"Doc," Archer said in a low voice, "is this for real? Are you seeing what I am seeing?"

"I assume so, Captain," Phlox said in his usual level voice. "We are both looking at the same screen after all."

Archer cleared his throat, looking back at the Vulcan girl.. "Umm... how did you get to be on my bridge?"

"This is your bridge?" the small boy in the command chair piped up. "Nice one. Ours isn't half as big."

"Do not interrupt," the Vulcan said, casting a stern look at him. "I am having an important conversation with Captain Archer."

Archer heard a snort beside him but didn't turn to look at Phlox. "Where are my officers?" he asked. The girl raised an eyebrow.

"What officers?"

"The people who are usually on this bridge," Archer said a little helplessly. "The grown-ups. Did you see any of them?"

"There are no "grown-ups"," she said, shifting the little girl on her lap. "And I do not know how we came to be here."

Archer stared at her, trying to comprehend what she was telling him, when he suddenly felt a hand on his arm.

"Captain," Phlox said, "we're approaching Enterprise."

Startled, Archer looked up and realized that they were indeed close enough for him to read the registration number on the ship's hull. Quickly, he changed course and began navigating the shuttle towards the hangar doors.

"Listen," he said to the Vulcan girl who was watching him curiously, "we - me and Dr. Phlox here - we're on a shuttle right now, and we need to take that shuttle into Enterprise's shuttle bay. I don't have the slightest idea what's going on here, but right now I need someone to open the hangar doors for me."

She tilted her head to one side. "You want me to help you?"

He nodded. "D'you think you'll manage?"

The girl raised an eyebrow. "Of course, Captain Archer."

"Alright," he said, pausing for a moment. "You need to operate from the helm... from that console in the front."

She nodded gravely and got up, placing the little Asian girl in the chair in front of the comm console.

"That one?" she asked, walking over to the helm.

"Yes, that one," Archer said. "Okay... see that bunch of buttons on the right? The white ones?"

"Indeed, Captain Archer," she said. "There are eight white buttons, arranged in a horizontal linear fashion."

"Right," Archer said, "horizontal linear fashion. Now I need you to push the third button to the left - wait!" he exclaimed when he saw her reaching out for the button. "First I have to get the shuttlepod into position. I'll tell you when."

"Agreed, Captain Archer," she said, her hand hovering over the helm's console. Casting her another concerned glance, Archer turned back to the navigation controls, bringing the shuttle into position under the shuttlebay doors.

"Now!" he said. Sure enough, a moment later the hangar doors opened and the shuttle shook slightly as it was being pulled into the ship.

A minute later the pod stood on firm ground, and Archer waited for the small green light that would tell him the shuttlebay had pressurized again. When it lit up on the console, he turned back to the screen.

"We're coming to the bridge," he said. "Wait for us - and don't press that button again."

She raised an eyebrow. "Of course not," she said indignantly and Archer saw Phlox hiding a smile. He himself, on the other hand, didn't feel like smiling at all.

"Come on, let's go."

-###-

"So your name really is T'Pol?" Phlox asked once again. The Vulcan girl, who was still standing in front of the helm, crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Indeed, Dr. Phlox," she said. "I told you so before. Several times."

"And you don't remember how you came to be here?"

"No," she said, sounding a little irritated. "I told you that before too. I was tending to my mathematical studies when I suddenly found myself here in this room. I do not know what happened."

Archer had taken a seat behind the science station and was just about to initiate a full internal scan of the ship when he felt someone tug at his sleeve. He looked down and his eyes fell on the anxious face of the little Asian girl. He'd never noticed her climb out of her chair, but now there she was, standing next to him, looking at him with wide dark eyes.

"Where is my mom?" she asked. Archer blinked and cleared his throat.

"Erm... now... that's what we're trying to find out," he said not quite truthfully. The girl never took her eyes off his face.

"So where is my mom?" she repeated earnestly. Archer swallowed.

"Well... I don't know, but it looks like she's not here at the moment."

The girl stared at him for another two seconds, then her eyes filled with tears. "I want my mom!"

"Yeah... well, that's... that's a problem," Archer said, looking at Phlox for help. The doctor, who'd been talking to the small boy who was still sitting in the command chair, took mercy on him.

"There, there, it's alright," he said, picking up the crying girl. "I'm sure we'll find a way to get you back to your mom. Don't cry, Hoshi."

Archer looked up sharply at that, but Phlox ignored him, returning to the command chair where the boy had started playing with the controls on the armrest.

"Don't do that," Phlox said, rocking the girl on his arm. By now, her tears had almost subsided again. "We don't want you to accidentally fire a torpedo, do we?"

"I told him before not to do this." T'Pol, now sitting in the helm's chair, gracefully crossed her legs. "He would not listen to me, though."

"You're not my mom," the boy said, beginning to jump up and down in the chair. "I don't have to do what you say."

Archer saw her raising an eyebrow at that and returned his attention to the scanner's display, shaking his head. All of this seemed to be some kind of absurd dream, something you knew couldn't happen but happened all the same. When the result of his scan appeared on the screen, that feeling of being in some kind of surreal dream mingled with shocked concern. If he was to believe these scans, then there wasn't a single person left aboard this ship. No one except for them and...

"Phlox, will you take a look at this."

The doctor came over and bent down over the display as well. "How interesting."

Archer wished he would stop saying this. "Indeed, doctor. Any idea who they are?"

Phlox shook his head. T'Pol turned in the helm's chair, throwing him a curious look.

"Is there something wrong, Captain Archer?"

"The scanners detected two life signs in..." Archer checked the display. "... in the mess hall." He looked up at her. "Were there any others?"

T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "In fact there were two others. Two boys. I sent them to investigate our surroundings."

Archer stared at her, a bad feeling rising in his stomach. He thought he had a pretty good idea of who those two boys were. And if T'Pol had really sent them to "investigate", then this spelled trouble.

"How... how did they look like?" Archer asked. T'Pol's eyebrow climbed even higher.

"They were approximately nine years of age, both human. One of them had blond hair, the other one was a little smaller and had dark hair. And the blond one was talking all the time," she added disapprovingly. Archer got up from his chair.

"Okay. To the mess hall - quick!"

T'Pol threw him a quizzical look, then got up as well and followed Phlox who was already on his way to the turbolift, holding little Hoshi in one arm and with the other hand shooing Travis towards the lift.

As the turbolift doors slid shut behind them, Archer looked up at the ceiling, uttering a silent prayer. Please, let the mess hall still be the mess hall when we get there.

TBC...

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