The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright 6 BC
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun July 9, 1997
WARNING! There are spoilers in this. Kind of. Yes, definitely.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation. The
metasyntactic variable "wossname" was, I believe, coined by Terry
Pratchett.
Author's squawk: I like Evangelion. I like it a lot. A LOT. I love how
it makes me think. It's action packed, and yet it's deep, on many
levels. But some days, you just feel so damn silly....
Umm, timelinewise, this just doesn't fit in, really. Touji's joined up
by now, but Bardiel never showed up. Or something like that. In other
words, he's still intact and piloting EVA-03. And other things...are
rewritten. Ignored. I'm making things up, kind of, now. Hey, this is
supposed to be a spoof, and you're asking about continuity?
See? Spoilers. I warned you.
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There was a computer. Its name was Oddzilla.
There was a writer. His name...wasn't important. But he did own
Oddzilla.
There was a bunch of anime otaku nutcases. They were called The Sound
and the Furry, consisting of three writers (the aforementioned writer
being one of them) and one artist.
The writer (that is, the aforementioned owner of Oddzilla who was a
member of this anime collective) decided to write. Having seen a goodly
amount of Evangelion--which, by the way, started to get really depressing
as it went towards the end--decided to write about Evangelion. He sat
down at his computer named Oddzilla.
The writer rubbed his hands gleefully.
"Wait'll they get a load of me." He paused. "Damn, that's probably
copyrighted." Shrugging, he began typing. "Neon...Genesis...Evanje--"
He looked up, embarassed. "Silly me. Writing out loud. I mean, reading
my writing out loud as I write it." He considered his words for a moment.
"Right." He returned to his work, not quite realizing that his lips were
moving as he typed.
************************************************
The four children climbed out of the entry plugs in the test area,
where their EVAs stood. As usual, Asuka and Touji were verbally poking
each other's eyes out. As usual, Rei was silent. As...er....
"Shinji-kun, you look a little pale...." Ritsuko looked at the plug-
suited lad.
"I...I don't know...I feel...kinda strange. Like...you remember...."
Misato smacked her hand to her brow.
"Baka! Did you forget your soul AGAIN!? You're supposed to hold down the
'RESET' button while you turn the power off!"
***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 1:
I Left My Soul in Tokyo-3
by Andrew Huang
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions
***
"You mean, you've done this before?" asked Kensuke.
The four Children sat in a lounge near the NERV offices. Hikari and
Kensuke had been allowed to join them there--not as if there was all that
much so top-secret about this anymore.
"Yeah. Just a few weeks ago, the wonderful Third Child pulled the same
one." Asuka smirked at Shinji. Hikari smirked at Shinji too, following the
female pilot's lead.
"Must have been before I got here.... But--I don't have any special
shutdown procedures." Touji glared at the two more vocal girls in the
room in defense of his friend. Hikari blushed as she saw him staring at
her, and turned away. Asuka rolled her eyes.
Rei spoke, which sent a chill through just about everyone else. "It's
because Unit 01 is so unstable. It's a wonder, sometimes, that it can even
be reliably piloted."
"And of course, I'm the one stuck with it," muttered Shinji.
Kensuke turned towards Shinji. "You know, for someone who's missing
his soul at the moment, you seem pretty normal."
Shinji shrugged. "No, it's not like my mind or feelings are gone. I
thought it would be like that too, but...eh. What it _is_, though, is this
really empty feeling...you know, like the exact opposite of how we felt
after eating that _thing_ that Asuka's American aunt sent us for
Christmas...you know...that...that 'fruitcake' wossname. Thingy."
Kensuke's eyes widened. "That was FOOD!? I could have sworn it was a
brick!"
The other three EVA pilots nodded and groaned in unison (although Rei
did so only almost imperceptibly).
"Must be rough," commented Touji.
"I mean, it was so heavy!"
"It's very...uncomfortable. Like missing your liver. Not that I would
know exactly how that feels, but I think Misato might." Everyone nodded.
Hikari spoke. "Well...what are you going to do about it?"
Shinji shrugged again. "Get it back. Wasn't too hard last time. Just--
kicked Unit 01's processor a few times, hard, in the right place, and
bang, I'm a whole person again. It was kind of a tingly feeling, like I
suddenly got carbonated."
"I should know, I held it in both of my arms when Asuka got it...."
"I'm afraid it's not going to be so easy this time, Shinji-kun."
Misato jogged into the room, taking Touji's eyes along for a ride. "You
see, it doesn't seem to be in Unit 01 anymore. We checked. No visual
electrical formations, no sensor readouts."
"Visual? You mean, you can see it? What does it look like?"
"It seems to be different for everyone, but Shinji-kun's looks like,
um...." Misato trailed off a little uneasily. She glanced at the recently
de-souled boy.
"Like?" Touji scratched his head.
"A winged anteater," muttered Shinji.
There was a measured silence, broken by a snicker from Asuka. Hikari
blinked.
"A _what_?"
"Don't ask me, I didn't design my soul."
"That thing was definitely as solid as Mount Fuji, man. Well, at least
before Suzuhara here sneezed in the cockpit and EVA-03 blew off the
north side of it."
"An anteater."
"Yes."
"With wings."
"Yes."
Touji scratched his chin thoughtfully. "It must be symbolic," he
declared.
"Heck if I know how. I've never mucked around an imaginary anthill for a
metaphysical lunch."
"So where is it?" asked Asuka.
Misato hesitated. "As far as I know, it went somewhere into the Magi
system. And you know how big _that_ is. What's more, it could have left it
somehow, through some interface. Whether or not it's--"
"I could have hammered nails with that thing, I KNOW it was that hard!"
"--still within an electronic system, or maybe...well, never mind that.
Anyways, we're still looking. In the meantime, until he recovers his soul,
he shouldn't try to operate an EVA."
"A distended soul," murmured Rei.
"I can't begin to imagine how that would feel like," wondered Hikari.
"It's not horrifically bad, but you'd probably not want to know. I
sure feel hungry, though, and I just ate before the test," complained
Shinji.
"I bet it would have made good armor plating."
"Shut UP, Kensuke."
------------------------------------------------
The EVA cage was warm this evening.
Misato stared at the giant purple robot. If she didn't know any
better, it seemed like it was thinking. Or maybe it was scratching its
posterior; she wasn't quite sure which.
"What _are_ you? What?"
A voice spoke behind her. "A creation of man, in the form of a man. It
was built to fight the Angels...and perhaps, it was built from something
we know far too little about."
"What is the link? The Evangelions. Us. Angels."
"You may as well ask what the human soul is. No one knows, one can
only guess."
"The soul," breathed Misato. "We've seen...we know that the very
spirit of a person can exist inside the EVA. What was it that they said?
That it's an 'artificial human'?"
"Though its form only vaguely resembles a human, and in scale is far
larger, yes, that is right. It has blood, nerves...on occasion, even a
soul...."
"Yes." Misato paused. "A frightening thing, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. Piloted by a few select children, who were conceived on
the night of an awful destruction visited upon Earth. The power of the
EVAs is simply unparalleled.... It alone can truly fight the Angels. It
withstands enormous blasts. It tears steel apart like paper. The product
of the finest human technology. It slices, dices, and makes julienne
fries."
Misato blinked. She turned around. Her jaw fell open.
"Pen-pen?"
The spa penguin was just coolly standing there, holding a can of beer.
"What, you didn't know I can talk? Hey, I was on the design team for
that baby." He drank a gulp of beer. "She's a beauty, that one," he
stated proudly.
Misato sat up in her bed.
"That's it. No more ham-and-wasabi pizza before I go to sleep."
------------------------------------------------
A pile of books was dumped in front of the four pilots.
"We figure there might be something about this in here. Since you're
the ones most directly affected, you should take a look for it. The rest
of us will also be searching through other texts and resources." Ritsuko
adjusted her glasses, then yawned and stretched, giving a gratuitous
bounce.
"WHAT?! You have to load me down with _his_ incompetence?" Asuka
turned to stick out her tongue at Shinji.
"Well, the thing is, although the other models are more stable, you
never know what might happen to _you_." Ritsuko turned towards the door.
"If you need anything, just give us a call." She exited.
"This really sucks. Stupid Third Child, loses his soul, and _we're_
stuck doing some studying. The world just isn't fair." Asuka slammed her
fist down on the table.
"As she said--it may happen to any of us. We never know." Rei lowered
the room temperature by a few degrees.
Asuka just grumbled some more. "Stupid anteater boy." Shinji scowled
back at her.
Touji spoke up. "Say, what do _your_ souls look like, then?"
"Don't know, _I_ always know to keep it with me. Never had to look for
it." Asuka again stuck her tongue out with a great big "BEEEDA!"
Shinji attempted to pick up his stack and failed. "What is all of this
anyways?"
************************************************
Pausing a moment, the writer carefully chose some words to speak.
"I have a healthy respect for Jews and Judaism. In fact, I have many
Jewish friends. I am NOT making fun of Judaism here, but rather just
making up some silly translations. And that's all it is."
But just to be safe, he put on his nuke-suit, identical to Misato's in
Evangelion ep 7.
"Buggrit...flippin' hard to type with these thick gloves on...."
************************************************
"Hm,m...rthe A_DeswaZd WSewea SAcvroolls_,
'KJsapsnreare rtrsneasl;
************************************************
The writer chucked the gloves.
************************************************
"Hmm...the _Dead Sea Scrolls_, 'Japanese translation including
detailed footnotes, annotations, and various things you don't really
need to know unless you're piloting a huge robot with the tendency to
suck out your soul'. The book of Psalms, 'In Japanese with sing-along
melodies'. Book of Isaiah, 'Complete Abridged Japanese Version'. A copy
of the Kabbalah, Dabbler's Edition, 'With detailed instructions on golem
creation using simple household materials in forty-two easy steps;
please read the safety section first'. Where do they get this stuff
from?" Touji dropped one of the books. "And what does this all have to
do with us?"
"These are ancient Jewish texts. Apparently, they relate very strongly
to what the Evangelions are, as well as the Angels themselves, and why
they are here. Gendou-san has done a lot of the research already, I
think." Rei reached for one of the books and started to read the
indicated sections.
"Jewish texts? My father? Funny, I can't see him getting involved with
religion, even if it's just a strictly scientific thing."
------------------------------------------------
*WACHOOO*
"Rabbi, are you feeling all right?"
Ikari Gendou adjusted his yarmulka. "Just some allergies, I think. Now
then, turn to page 202. Read carefully over Moses's words riiiiight over
here...."
------------------------------------------------
Shinji stumbled out of the room. This sudden migraine really wasn't
helping things, and he needed a break. Bad. He ripped off his
headphones, panting.
"Stupid books on tape," he gasped, collapsing onto the floor. "'Lynn
Minmay reads the Pentateuch'? They should have put warning signs on that
one.... Who the heck is Lynn Minmay, and why is she allowed to do this?
Argh." He rubbed his temples in an attempt to rework his brain into
something useable.
"You okay, there?" Touji popped out of the room and sat down on the
floor next to Shinji. "This stuff is so hard for me to understand. Seven
eyes? Why does God have seven eyes? Crap. I hate doing this." He yawned
and leaned his head against the wall.
There was a sudden rumbling inside the room, and some shouting. The
two guys blinked, looked at each other. Before either could say or do
anything, the door slammed open. Touji's head jerked forward from the
vibrations. A female voice rang--nay, nearly screeched out.
"I HATE this! I am SICK of this!! IKARI, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!"
"Geez, I'm sorry already, Asu--"
"_Ayanami_?!"
The albino girl stomped over to Shinji and picked him up by his shirt
collar, hissing. "Dammit, because of you, I'm stuck in that room forced
to look things up that are really messing with my head. And it's all-
your-fault-!" She dropped him on the floor and marched off.
The two boys sat there stunned.
"Must...must be that time of month," mumbled Touji. "The mental part,
that is."
"'That time of month'? I wasn't aware that Ayanami had a 'that time of
month'. She's never _had_ a 'that time of month'. Heck, if women had a
'that time of year', Ayanami would have had to forfeit on account of not
showing up. It couldn't be 'that time of month'. Not Ayanami. Not the
mental part. No, not her." Shinji paused to re-establish motor neuron
control over his shaking hands. "I think I feel scared."
The two of them stared down at the floor, still not quite recovered.
Then a thought struck suddenly.
"Um. Isn't Asuka still in there?"
"Uh-oh."
They both scrambled to their feet and darted back into the room. Asuka
was still standing at the table. It didn't seem like she was capable of
doing much else.
"Asuka? Are you all right? What happened here?"
"She-she-she-she she blew up the First Child just exploded Wonder Girl
went nuts ohmyGodohmyGod." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes,
then collapsed into her chair.
"Asuka?" Shinji cautiously walked up to the Second Child. He gently
shook her arm. He didn't expect her to suddenly grab at his shirt.
"Shinji! It was so scary!!" she sobbed. "Rei's fine--what passes for
her as fine--all this time, and suddenly, she, she sits up straight for
a few seconds, blinks a little, and goes off like the Second Impact!
Screaming about being trapped in this room, and then she starts throwing
books all over the place! Rei! Her! The quiet one!"
"It's always the quiet ones," said Touji, sagely. Asuka threw a book
at him without looking, still weeping a bit. Shinji wasn't sure what to
do.
"It's...okay...uh...right." No, it's not okay, Ayanami just had a
hissy fit, she's never had any particular outburst before, she slapped
me once when I insulted my father, and now she's throwing books and
shaking me up and terrifying _Asuka_ of all people. Say, why _is_ Asuka
still hanging on to my shirt? "Um, would you mind not doing that? After
what just happened outside, I'm feeling wary of girls grabbing at my
clothing." Wait. That didn't sound right.
Asuka pulled away from him suddenly, a disgusted, surprised look on
her face. "WHAT?!"
As Shinji staggered around the room, holding his chin, Asuka rubbed
her slightly bruised fist, not quite as upset by Rei's earlier
explosion. In the meantime, Touji had disengaged his nose from the
Japanese-Hebrew dictionary and struggled to his feet. "I suppose that
means you're all right...."
Asuka slumped a little bit. "She was so frightening. I mean, you know
how she usually is."
Misato popped her head into the room. "What happened? I heard some
yelling from down the hall...where's Rei?"
They explained.
For some reason, Misato didn't look too surprised, but rather, was
thoughtful. "Sounds like something I should tell Ritsuko. Oh well. I
guess you guys should go take a break, then. Help me pick these up
first, though." She bent over to gather a few books, inducing Touji to
start a nosebleed.
------------------------------------------------
"Have they found Rei yet?"
"Yes. She's in the gym, pounding a punching bag. She seems to be an
excellent kickboxer."
"You're kidding."
"No."
"Better get her in here soon."
"Who's going to do it?"
"Umm...."
------------------------------------------------
"Rei."
Rei turned away from the formerly-a-punching-bag-now-stuffing to see
Ikari Gendou, tucking away some sort of cloth into his pocket and
running his hand through his hair. She was breathing heavily, doing
marvelous things for her chest.
"What do you want?" she asked, with a slight edge. Gendou actually
developed a small sweatdrop.
"We...we need you in the labs."
------------------------------------------------
There was a flying anteater on the monitor.
"Bingo."
"IT'S IN ME!??!?"
Ritsuko was rather unnerved by Rei yelling like that. "Uh, yes. Hey,
look, there's your soul's image, right beneath Shinji's." And, indeed,
there it was.
"I would never have guessed," murmured Gendou. Misato and Ritsuko both
nodded. Rei simply stared.
"They look like they're fighting, though it's hard to say _how_ that
and an anteater might fight each other." Ritsuko shrugged. "Well, let's
print up the report, then, and get working on a way to return Shinji's
soul to him."
"What do you mean?"
"It means, back to the books, Rei."
"AAAAARGH!!!"
"But perhaps we should give you the day off first," added Ritsuko,
wincing.
------------------------------------------------
"It's where?!"
"Stuck in ME. And YOU are the reason that I'm so pissed off."
Asuka actually looked sympathetic. "Being stuck with _that_ guy's
soul. Must be a pain."
"Excuse me, but what's going on again?" Touji looked confused.
Rei turned to him, glaring. "His soul is in my body. I was the last
one to disconnect and leave from the entry plugs, and it swam over into
me, or something. However, my soul is also in my body, still. They don't
seem to be getting along too well. Delayed reaction. The imbalance is
driving me crazy." It was the first time that she had spoken in a while
without shouting, but only barely.
"Oh. Gee, who would have figured yin and yang could be so much fun?"
A deathly silence struck the room.
"What? Wha'd I say?"
They finished whapping Touji upside the head in turns, leaving him to
blink a bit and try to fix his hair.
"Hey, guys. Where were you all day?" Kensuke jogged up, with Hikari
following close behind.
"Well, we finally found out where Shinji's disembodied essence has
gone," said Asuka. She explained it to them. Kensuke's and Hikari's eyes
grew wide.
"Wow, it can actually do that?" wondered Hikari. "I never knew."
Kensuke laughed a little.
"Well, Ayanami, it must be fun to have...have...uh?"
Fifteen seconds and fifty-odd decibels later, Kensuke was cowering in
a corner of the room. Hikari would have done so as well, but she was too
terrified to move. Rather, she was whimpering something about demon
possessions and trying to recall some holy Shinto words of warding.
Shinji unplugged his ears. "You know," he whispered in an aside to
Touji, "I think her yelling just peeled off a few layers of paint in
this room." He examined his clothes, continuing, "And I _know_ my jeans
weren't this faded just a few moments ago. Plus my shirt looks ironed
now."
"Maybe we should have warned them about that first," muttered Touji.
They settled back down after a few minutes.
Placatingly, Hikari asked, "So, uhm, did you find out what your soul
looks like, then?" Wordlessly, Rei pulled out one of the printouts and
displayed it. "Cool...." Rei returned it to the folder she was carrying.
"That sure was interesting," said Kensuke, warily. The others silently
agreed. "Anyways, ah...any ideas on how to...get it back to him?"
"We...we still have to do some research. Starting tomorrow, though.
It's been a long day, today."
------------------------------------------------
Asuka reclined on the bench, while Hikari leaned against its back. It
had been, indeed, a very long day....
Rei was out somewhere beating the crap out of another punching bag.
Or, if someone got too close, then...which was why Asuka and Hikari were
being extra careful to stay away from her.
"She scared you, didn't she?"
"I couldn't move from where I was standing."
"When she first blew up, same here. Books flying all over the place,
screaming at me...." Asuka fell silent. The two girls contemplated the
sunset.
"So, it's really that bad to have two souls in one body? But why did
it take so long for her to...react?"
"I have no idea. But I heard that Rei's soul is maladjusted to begin
with, so maybe that's why things are so bad for her."
"Really...so, maybe, if both the souls are more...um, agreeable, it
wouldn't be so bad?"
"I guess."
There was a pause. Asuka suddenly felt the air grow...saccharine.
"I wonder how it would feel to share souls with Touji-kun..." came a
somewhat dreamy voice. It almost didn't sound like Hikari. Asuka
quietly debated whether or not to throw up. "He's such a nice person."
"I can't help but think that you're not the best judge of character."
Hikari broke out of her slight haze and frowned at her friend. "You do
have to remember how he takes care of his sister in the hospital. Now
that's kindness, if you ask me. And...well, he's nice otherwise, too."
Both girls sighed, but for completely different reasons.
"I wonder what it's going to take for them to get back to normal."
Asuka was anxious to change the subject before Hikari got syrupy on her
again. "Being like this couldn't be any good for either of them.
Especially with how Rei takes all of this out on everyone...most of all
Shinji."
"Oh, so you've got a soft spot for Shinji, do you?" Hikari poked at
Asuka's shoulder.
"Hey!" Asuka jumped up, making her dress flutter up to some rather
indecent heights.
"Kidding, kidding...."
"Yeah, yeah. Geez, I feel tired. I think I'm going to turn in a little
early tonight."
------------------------------------------------
Shinji waited impatiently in the conference room. He had just arrived
that morning at NERV HQ, when they said that Maia had found out how to
get everything back in order. Next to him, Rei sat with her arms
crossed. What was taking them so long?
"Any idea what it might be?"
"No."
Ancient Jewish texts. Somehow, all of this stuff had been written of
and foreshadowed all the way back then. Ominous, that, although Shinji
wasn't quite sure why. The coming of Angels, the creation of EVAs, the
mingling of souls, and the returning of souls. Somehow.
He sincerely hoped this wasn't going to be anything too weird.
Finally, Maia and Misato entered the room. He could see Kaji beyond
the door they had entered, coughing. Very red in the face, he was. Hmm.
Oh well. There were more pressing matters at hand.
"Misato-san? Maia-san? You say you've got it?" The two women nodded.
Odd, they looked a bit uneasy.
Maia spoke first. "Um, yes, we found out how...but...er...." She
looked over at Misato. No help there, it seemed. "Well, it's kind of....
Oh, geez...." She looked pale.
"What? What is it!?" Rei had stood up by now. Her displeasure showed
very clearly. "Dammit, I've been waiting for two days already!"
Misato nudged Maia a bit, whispering, "Go on. You got the short
straw." Flustered, Maia looked again over at Misato, then bent down to
Rei's ear and whispered something. Rei's eyes grew wide.
"You're...you're kidding." She looked to Misato, who shook her head,
apologetically. "Oh, no."
Shinji felt very afraid. But before he could say anything, Rei set a
determined look on her face.
"All right. Whatever it takes. Where?"
Hanging her head, Maia pointed over at a side door. Rei grabbed
Shinji's hand and dragged him over there, through the door, and closed
it behind them.
There was a bed in the room. Shinji started to sweat. A lot.
"Ah...are they thinking what I think they're thinking?"
*zzzzzzip*
He turned around to see Rei taking off her dress and unbuttoning her
blouse. "Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."
Shinji _stood_up_ in his bed.
"Oh, dear God." He looked at the clock. 3 AM. He shook his head a
little and then, with a sigh, slipped back under his covers, and
returned to sleep.
*zzzzzzip*
"Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."
Shinji didn't wake up this time.
************************************************
The writer looked up from his keyboard.
"Hey. I don't do lemons. Stop looking so disappointed."
************************************************
------------------------------------------------
Rei was dreaming as well. However, unlike a few others, she realized
that she was dreaming. She found herself, in her dreams, confronting a
winged anteater.
"Oh, so now you have to come bother me while I'm sleeping, do you?
Twit." She realized that she was dressed in her plug suit, floating in
some LCL. "Well, what is this all supposed to mean?"
The anteater spoke, with Shinji's voice. "What does this mean? What
indeed."
Rei stared at it, waiting. "Aren't you going to tell me?"
"How am I supposed to know? I'm just the part of Shinji that got
sucked into EVA-01, through the system, and shoved into you. I have no
idea about what's going on." He...let's call it a he--he sniffed
indignantly through his snout.
Rei took a swing at him, but he fluttered out of reach. "Hold still,
you," she snarled. "Why are you and my soul fighting with each other,
anyway?"
"Fighting? We're not fighting, we're, well, arguing. Sort of. In that
ethereal way that souls do. Yeah."
As ethereal as a barroom brawl, by the looks of the scans. "And why
are you arguing?"
"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. Why don't you ask your soul,
_she_ started it."
"Whaddaya mean, _my_ soul started it?"
"I was just wandering around in your...well, I have no idea what the
term is. Anyways, I was just wandering around...you, when I bumped into
your soul. Before I knew it, she had me in a full-nelson, trying to bang
my head into...well, I guess it's like a wall, but I doubt you have
steel-reinforced concrete structures in you, as such."
"Where is it now?"
"Why are you asking _me_ where _your_ soul is?"
Rei grumbled. The anteater continued.
"Odd, that you have so much personality all of a sudden. I'm sure
Shinji must appreciate it. Or something like that. Actually, I imagine
he's scared to death of you. The others, too, right?"
Rei smiled, slightly evilly. The anteater backed away nervously.
"Aaaaanyways--why did your soul just attack me like that?"
"Maybe she...I'm referring to my soul in the third person...she likes
to protect her territory against intruders. I don't know!" The anteater
thought it over some, and then shrugged. Kind of. It shrugged in the way
that only anteaters can.
"Well, I can't wait to get out of here and back into my rightful
owner. I must admit, though, that it's a little more interesting here
than I would have imagined."
"And what do you mean by that?" She advanced on him menacingly.
"Er, never mind. Uh, say, shouldn't you be waking up about now?"
"No. I still have two hours."
"Geez. You can keep track of time in your dreams?" Rei nodded. "I'm
impressed, really I am...."
They fell silent, staring at one another. The situation grew slightly
more uncomfortable. Somehow.
Rei spoke again. "Do you have any idea how you might get back to
Shinji?"
"None at all. And if I did, I probably wouldn't be allowed to say so."
"What?"
"I dunno. It's probably some rule concerning souls. I'm just guessing
here, you know."
"Oh." A pause. Then, "Why is everything so damned obtuse?"
"If things were too easy, well, this would all feel...well, stupid, or
something. Besides, Shinji already used up all the breaks with the first
time it happened, remember? I mean, get back into the entry plug, hold
your breath, kick the computer hard a few times in its electronic groin-
equivalent, and there I go, right back into where I belong. Too simple.
Murphy's Law is getting revenge now. Must be in my contract. I'm sure
that what's going to have to happen this time is either much harder, or
much weirder, or both, somehow." He looked around himself. "'Throne of
the soul'...heh, I sure would like to find _that_ thing."
Rei sighed, then muttered, "You annoy me, you know that?"
"Absolutely."
"So go away. I need to get some sleep that'll actually do me some
good."
------------------------------------------------
"Shinji, you don't look too good." Shinji turned two bleary red eyes
towards his friend.
"I know, Touji. Didn't sleep very well last night. You know, though,
I'm having difficulty deciding whether that's a good thing or a bad
thing." Touji blinked, but decided not to say anything else, and turned
back to his book. He didn't notice Shinji giving a very, very nervous
glance towards Rei, across the table. However, she did.
"What are you looking at me for?"
"No-nothing! Really! Heh...heh...."
Asuka looked suspiciously at Shinji. Seeing this as an opportunity to
shift some rather unwelcome attention, he spoke up. "Uh--what are _you_
looking at me for?"
Asuka turned away quickly. "Just trying to figure out why you're such
a loser." Shinji frowned, but then shrugged. Touji felt that it would
not be wise to try and catch any of that. Life was dangerous enough as
it was. Rather....
"Hey, did you guys notice that the word 'angel' is contained in
'Evangelion'?"
Three heads swiveled his way. Touji shrank beneath the stares.
"Well, we were due for some insightful comment, weren't we?"
They toiled on, in relative silence.
************************************************
"You know, that 'angel' in 'Evangelion' bit was an actual comment made
to me by a friend."
Facing a sudden, oppressive silence, the writer reddened, muttered,
"Never mind," and returned to work.
************************************************
------------------------------------------------
Shinji waited nervously in the conference room. They said that Maia
had found it. That already was far too close for comfort. Next to him,
Rei sat with her arms crossed. Oh, geez....
"Ah...any...any idea what it might be?"
"No."
Shinji swallowed nervously.
Finally, Maia and Misato appeared. Kaji was behind the door...not
coughing, though, just smiling. Maia and Misato were smiling also.
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be anything too
bad.
"We got it," announced Maia proudly.
"And?" asked Rei.
Misato answered, "Take it easy. We'll be doing this one thing at a
time. Both of you, get into your plug suits, and meet back here when
you're done dressing."
------------------------------------------------
As they walked to the locker room, Shinji turned towards Rei. "Ah, so,
this doesn't seem to be anything too weird, uh, does it?" He attempted a
smile.
"Don't speak too quickly," answered Rei. He started to sweat again.
Inside the locker room, Shinji dressed slowly. As he did so, he
contemplated the slick, soft clothing that enhanced his body's ability
to synchronize with the robot.
"Yeah, enhance the pain, too," he growled. He hated fighting in that
thing. It was so unimaginably--
"Oh, shut up and stop whining, you wimp!" yelled Rei from the other
side of the curtain. That was rather annoying, this rude interruption
during a moment of serious, insightful introspection. He angrily looked
up to see her silhouette through the separator as she....
*zzzzzzip*
Oh, my.
Funny, how the gut wasn't feeling so empty, not since last night.
Perhaps the hormones took over the soul's job a little bit. He wiped
away the trickle of blood coming from his left nostril. You know, that
curtain there seemed a little thinner than usual or something, today.
------------------------------------------------
When the two pilots returned to the conference room, they found that
Kaji had decided to join the two ladies.
"All right," he said, "now you two will have to get into one of the
EVAs. Which one will it be?"
"Unit 01."
"Unit 00."
The two children turned and stared at each other. Rei growled a
little. Shinji decided to grow a little backbone and merely flinched
slightly.
"All right, you two, break it up. We'll flip for it," said Kaji,
turning around to look for a coin on the desk behind him. Rei flipped
_something_ at his back. Misato snickered. Turning back to the children,
he continued. "All right. Heads, Unit 01. Tails, Unit 00." He set the
coin on his thumb.
*ping*
It soared in an arc through the air and landed on the floor, bouncing
a few times before coming to a halt. Everyone stared at it.
"E...edge," called Maia.
They stared at it some more.
"Well. How about Unit 02, then?" suggested Misato brightly.
------------------------------------------------
"WHAT!? They're going into MY Unit 02? Why!?"
Kaji showed Asuka the coin, still sitting on the ground.
"Oh...."
------------------------------------------------
"This should be all right. The cross-synchronization tests showed that
you shouldn't have any trouble, at least not with Unit 02."
The entry plug screwed in smoothly with a hiss. It filled with LCL and
both of the Children sat on the "floor" next to the cockpit.
"Initiate synchronization." The plug whirred to life, moving through
its stages quickly.
"Critical point reached and passed." The plug lit up, and Maia's and
Ritsuko's face showed on a monitor.
"Is everything all right?" Both children nodded. Ritsuko paused,
seeming to gather herself together. "All right then." She seemed to be
having difficulty keeping her composure. Shinji was starting to feel
disturbed again.
Ritsuko took a deep breath and continued. "Now, then. You two...you
two are going to have to...um. Kiss. And hold it for at least thirty
seconds, preferably a little longer."
Rei's jaw dropped. Shinji almost sighed in relief, then thought better
of it, for the way that it just _might_ be misconstrued. He simply
turned his face away from the monitor. The faint sound of a few voices
yelling "WHAT?!" could be heard, seemingly coming from behind Ritsuko.
"Er...I-I...see..." stammered Shinji. He looked at Rei, saw her set a
determined look on her face.
"All right," she said. "Whatever it takes."
He had a sudden sense of deja vu. They both repositioned themselves,
facing each other.
Someone else then spoke. "We'll cut off the viewscreens to give you
two your privacy." There was a distinct chuckle in the voice. Kaji, of
course. The monitors blinked off.
"No funny stuff, you hear?" muttered Rei. Shinji only nodded.
Oh well, at least I had some prior experience. Of sorts....
A few seconds passed, then on some unknown cue, both leaned towards
each other. Shinji instinctively tilted his head, this time not having
his movement restricted by a hand pinching his nose shut. They slowly
closed their eyes.
Closer...closer...lip contact. He brought his arms up and gently held
Rei by the shoulders. Soft. Warm. Not bad, this. Along with that came
the slow feeling like he was being dipped into a large cup of soda. Er,
not that he actually knew what that felt like...ahh, much bet...ter?
Thirty seconds were definitely up by now. Interesting, I feel
something soft pressing up against my chest.... Say, why isn't she
letting go? Wait, when did she even start to hold on to me? And why are
her hands--HEY! And.... I'm sure I only have one tongue; what's
going...on....
No longer distracted by a minor detail like regaining his soul, Shinji
found himself in a very, very deep kiss, the type that was intended to
clean out the upper portions of the small intestines, while a roaming
pair of hands had managed to meet right...ah...hmm....
A dream! Of course. Just like last night. No, since this was a dream,
it _was_ still last night. Just like the last dream. Yes, that's right.
Only a dream. Shinji patiently waited to wake up...but hey, might as
well enjoy it while it lasts. He almost subconsciously leaned into it a
little.
------------------------------------------------
"Tell me, sempai," said Maia, "I know that the EVAs can harbor souls
sometimes, but do they have emotions of their own?"
Ritsuko, who was carefully monitoring the readouts from Unit 02, only
glanced up briefly at her subordinate, answering, "I never thought about
that, but I guess it's possible. Why do you ask?" Then, quickly, to
herself, she mumbled, "Wow...82% synch rate? And climbing!"
"Because I'd swear that Unit 02 has a distinctively lecherous look on
its face right now."
"What?"
------------------------------------------------
Fifteen seconds finally convinced Shinji that no, this was not a
dream. He managed to pull himself free of Rei's, um, embrace, although a
certain part of him (the part that kept him asleep that second time
around) was rather reluctant. He kept his eyes on Rei. She was smiling
at him, although smiling might be a tame word.
"Shinji-kun," she purred. Rei was purring?
Shinji almost started to hiccup out of sheer nervousness. Turning the
monitors back on, he said in a shaky voice, "We-we're, we're, um,
finished now, Ritsuko-san...." No funny stuff, _she_ said....
"Not quite yet, I still have something to take care of," called out
Rei, slowly advancing on her hands and knees, over the cockpit seat,
towards Shinji.
"Rei, you can...stop, now. Please? Sorry. Company time and all that,
you know." Rei halted, looking disappointed. Shinji's mind was on
overload.
Oh, no. Out of the frying pan, into...into the nuclear reactor core.
My life seems to run on extremes, or something.
Another monitor burst into life. It was filled with Asuka's furious
face.
"You two are such PERVERTS! In MY EVA, too! UGH!! I can't believe it!"
Rei turned towards the monitor. "What's the matter? Jealous?" She
smirked a bit. Asuka turned even redder, choking on her words.
"WHAT!?"
"I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly.
************************************************
The writer sat back. He was pleased.
"Now, what next?"
He glanced around surreptitiously, looking for a gigantic red robot
that was being piloted by a teed-off 14 year-old girl.
***
To be continued....
***
Ha! That was fun. That was a lot of fun. Yes, Terry Pratchett's
influence kind of shone through a bit, there, I suppose (and not just
the wossname bit). In fact, if it wasn't for him, I don't think I could
write like this.
Man, I had just finished off the TV series while writing this. Yes,
it's depressing. And the movie, oh I've heard things about the movie....
But it was all almost worth it to see the little "alternate universe"
bit near the end of the last episode. You know, I'm thinking about
turning _that_ into a series...but you all know how bad I am with
extended writings.
Anyways--how long will this stuff all be? I don't know. I'll write as
long as the ideas for it keep coming. I'm hoping this will turn out to
be something that I'll be remembered by.... It's too difficult to make a
mark with Ranma fanfiction, and Ranma's the only other thing I can write
so far.
Thanks to my prereaders (in no particular order): RpM, Jason Langlois,
Robert Morrison, Zen, Mike Chen, Chris Davies, Anne Packrat, Kevin
Shiue, and Mark Doherty. They gave me much needed feedback while I was
still unable to get to the FFML, over the summer of '97.
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun July 9, 1997
WARNING! There are spoilers in this. Kind of. Yes, definitely.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation. The
metasyntactic variable "wossname" was, I believe, coined by Terry
Pratchett.
Author's squawk: I like Evangelion. I like it a lot. A LOT. I love how
it makes me think. It's action packed, and yet it's deep, on many
levels. But some days, you just feel so damn silly....
Umm, timelinewise, this just doesn't fit in, really. Touji's joined up
by now, but Bardiel never showed up. Or something like that. In other
words, he's still intact and piloting EVA-03. And other things...are
rewritten. Ignored. I'm making things up, kind of, now. Hey, this is
supposed to be a spoof, and you're asking about continuity?
See? Spoilers. I warned you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a computer. Its name was Oddzilla.
There was a writer. His name...wasn't important. But he did own
Oddzilla.
There was a bunch of anime otaku nutcases. They were called The Sound
and the Furry, consisting of three writers (the aforementioned writer
being one of them) and one artist.
The writer (that is, the aforementioned owner of Oddzilla who was a
member of this anime collective) decided to write. Having seen a goodly
amount of Evangelion--which, by the way, started to get really depressing
as it went towards the end--decided to write about Evangelion. He sat
down at his computer named Oddzilla.
The writer rubbed his hands gleefully.
"Wait'll they get a load of me." He paused. "Damn, that's probably
copyrighted." Shrugging, he began typing. "Neon...Genesis...Evanje--"
He looked up, embarassed. "Silly me. Writing out loud. I mean, reading
my writing out loud as I write it." He considered his words for a moment.
"Right." He returned to his work, not quite realizing that his lips were
moving as he typed.
************************************************
The four children climbed out of the entry plugs in the test area,
where their EVAs stood. As usual, Asuka and Touji were verbally poking
each other's eyes out. As usual, Rei was silent. As...er....
"Shinji-kun, you look a little pale...." Ritsuko looked at the plug-
suited lad.
"I...I don't know...I feel...kinda strange. Like...you remember...."
Misato smacked her hand to her brow.
"Baka! Did you forget your soul AGAIN!? You're supposed to hold down the
'RESET' button while you turn the power off!"
***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 1:
I Left My Soul in Tokyo-3
by Andrew Huang
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions
***
"You mean, you've done this before?" asked Kensuke.
The four Children sat in a lounge near the NERV offices. Hikari and
Kensuke had been allowed to join them there--not as if there was all that
much so top-secret about this anymore.
"Yeah. Just a few weeks ago, the wonderful Third Child pulled the same
one." Asuka smirked at Shinji. Hikari smirked at Shinji too, following the
female pilot's lead.
"Must have been before I got here.... But--I don't have any special
shutdown procedures." Touji glared at the two more vocal girls in the
room in defense of his friend. Hikari blushed as she saw him staring at
her, and turned away. Asuka rolled her eyes.
Rei spoke, which sent a chill through just about everyone else. "It's
because Unit 01 is so unstable. It's a wonder, sometimes, that it can even
be reliably piloted."
"And of course, I'm the one stuck with it," muttered Shinji.
Kensuke turned towards Shinji. "You know, for someone who's missing
his soul at the moment, you seem pretty normal."
Shinji shrugged. "No, it's not like my mind or feelings are gone. I
thought it would be like that too, but...eh. What it _is_, though, is this
really empty feeling...you know, like the exact opposite of how we felt
after eating that _thing_ that Asuka's American aunt sent us for
Christmas...you know...that...that 'fruitcake' wossname. Thingy."
Kensuke's eyes widened. "That was FOOD!? I could have sworn it was a
brick!"
The other three EVA pilots nodded and groaned in unison (although Rei
did so only almost imperceptibly).
"Must be rough," commented Touji.
"I mean, it was so heavy!"
"It's very...uncomfortable. Like missing your liver. Not that I would
know exactly how that feels, but I think Misato might." Everyone nodded.
Hikari spoke. "Well...what are you going to do about it?"
Shinji shrugged again. "Get it back. Wasn't too hard last time. Just--
kicked Unit 01's processor a few times, hard, in the right place, and
bang, I'm a whole person again. It was kind of a tingly feeling, like I
suddenly got carbonated."
"I should know, I held it in both of my arms when Asuka got it...."
"I'm afraid it's not going to be so easy this time, Shinji-kun."
Misato jogged into the room, taking Touji's eyes along for a ride. "You
see, it doesn't seem to be in Unit 01 anymore. We checked. No visual
electrical formations, no sensor readouts."
"Visual? You mean, you can see it? What does it look like?"
"It seems to be different for everyone, but Shinji-kun's looks like,
um...." Misato trailed off a little uneasily. She glanced at the recently
de-souled boy.
"Like?" Touji scratched his head.
"A winged anteater," muttered Shinji.
There was a measured silence, broken by a snicker from Asuka. Hikari
blinked.
"A _what_?"
"Don't ask me, I didn't design my soul."
"That thing was definitely as solid as Mount Fuji, man. Well, at least
before Suzuhara here sneezed in the cockpit and EVA-03 blew off the
north side of it."
"An anteater."
"Yes."
"With wings."
"Yes."
Touji scratched his chin thoughtfully. "It must be symbolic," he
declared.
"Heck if I know how. I've never mucked around an imaginary anthill for a
metaphysical lunch."
"So where is it?" asked Asuka.
Misato hesitated. "As far as I know, it went somewhere into the Magi
system. And you know how big _that_ is. What's more, it could have left it
somehow, through some interface. Whether or not it's--"
"I could have hammered nails with that thing, I KNOW it was that hard!"
"--still within an electronic system, or maybe...well, never mind that.
Anyways, we're still looking. In the meantime, until he recovers his soul,
he shouldn't try to operate an EVA."
"A distended soul," murmured Rei.
"I can't begin to imagine how that would feel like," wondered Hikari.
"It's not horrifically bad, but you'd probably not want to know. I
sure feel hungry, though, and I just ate before the test," complained
Shinji.
"I bet it would have made good armor plating."
"Shut UP, Kensuke."
------------------------------------------------
The EVA cage was warm this evening.
Misato stared at the giant purple robot. If she didn't know any
better, it seemed like it was thinking. Or maybe it was scratching its
posterior; she wasn't quite sure which.
"What _are_ you? What?"
A voice spoke behind her. "A creation of man, in the form of a man. It
was built to fight the Angels...and perhaps, it was built from something
we know far too little about."
"What is the link? The Evangelions. Us. Angels."
"You may as well ask what the human soul is. No one knows, one can
only guess."
"The soul," breathed Misato. "We've seen...we know that the very
spirit of a person can exist inside the EVA. What was it that they said?
That it's an 'artificial human'?"
"Though its form only vaguely resembles a human, and in scale is far
larger, yes, that is right. It has blood, nerves...on occasion, even a
soul...."
"Yes." Misato paused. "A frightening thing, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. Piloted by a few select children, who were conceived on
the night of an awful destruction visited upon Earth. The power of the
EVAs is simply unparalleled.... It alone can truly fight the Angels. It
withstands enormous blasts. It tears steel apart like paper. The product
of the finest human technology. It slices, dices, and makes julienne
fries."
Misato blinked. She turned around. Her jaw fell open.
"Pen-pen?"
The spa penguin was just coolly standing there, holding a can of beer.
"What, you didn't know I can talk? Hey, I was on the design team for
that baby." He drank a gulp of beer. "She's a beauty, that one," he
stated proudly.
Misato sat up in her bed.
"That's it. No more ham-and-wasabi pizza before I go to sleep."
------------------------------------------------
A pile of books was dumped in front of the four pilots.
"We figure there might be something about this in here. Since you're
the ones most directly affected, you should take a look for it. The rest
of us will also be searching through other texts and resources." Ritsuko
adjusted her glasses, then yawned and stretched, giving a gratuitous
bounce.
"WHAT?! You have to load me down with _his_ incompetence?" Asuka
turned to stick out her tongue at Shinji.
"Well, the thing is, although the other models are more stable, you
never know what might happen to _you_." Ritsuko turned towards the door.
"If you need anything, just give us a call." She exited.
"This really sucks. Stupid Third Child, loses his soul, and _we're_
stuck doing some studying. The world just isn't fair." Asuka slammed her
fist down on the table.
"As she said--it may happen to any of us. We never know." Rei lowered
the room temperature by a few degrees.
Asuka just grumbled some more. "Stupid anteater boy." Shinji scowled
back at her.
Touji spoke up. "Say, what do _your_ souls look like, then?"
"Don't know, _I_ always know to keep it with me. Never had to look for
it." Asuka again stuck her tongue out with a great big "BEEEDA!"
Shinji attempted to pick up his stack and failed. "What is all of this
anyways?"
************************************************
Pausing a moment, the writer carefully chose some words to speak.
"I have a healthy respect for Jews and Judaism. In fact, I have many
Jewish friends. I am NOT making fun of Judaism here, but rather just
making up some silly translations. And that's all it is."
But just to be safe, he put on his nuke-suit, identical to Misato's in
Evangelion ep 7.
"Buggrit...flippin' hard to type with these thick gloves on...."
************************************************
"Hm,m...rthe A_DeswaZd WSewea SAcvroolls_,
'KJsapsnreare rtrsneasl;
************************************************
The writer chucked the gloves.
************************************************
"Hmm...the _Dead Sea Scrolls_, 'Japanese translation including
detailed footnotes, annotations, and various things you don't really
need to know unless you're piloting a huge robot with the tendency to
suck out your soul'. The book of Psalms, 'In Japanese with sing-along
melodies'. Book of Isaiah, 'Complete Abridged Japanese Version'. A copy
of the Kabbalah, Dabbler's Edition, 'With detailed instructions on golem
creation using simple household materials in forty-two easy steps;
please read the safety section first'. Where do they get this stuff
from?" Touji dropped one of the books. "And what does this all have to
do with us?"
"These are ancient Jewish texts. Apparently, they relate very strongly
to what the Evangelions are, as well as the Angels themselves, and why
they are here. Gendou-san has done a lot of the research already, I
think." Rei reached for one of the books and started to read the
indicated sections.
"Jewish texts? My father? Funny, I can't see him getting involved with
religion, even if it's just a strictly scientific thing."
------------------------------------------------
*WACHOOO*
"Rabbi, are you feeling all right?"
Ikari Gendou adjusted his yarmulka. "Just some allergies, I think. Now
then, turn to page 202. Read carefully over Moses's words riiiiight over
here...."
------------------------------------------------
Shinji stumbled out of the room. This sudden migraine really wasn't
helping things, and he needed a break. Bad. He ripped off his
headphones, panting.
"Stupid books on tape," he gasped, collapsing onto the floor. "'Lynn
Minmay reads the Pentateuch'? They should have put warning signs on that
one.... Who the heck is Lynn Minmay, and why is she allowed to do this?
Argh." He rubbed his temples in an attempt to rework his brain into
something useable.
"You okay, there?" Touji popped out of the room and sat down on the
floor next to Shinji. "This stuff is so hard for me to understand. Seven
eyes? Why does God have seven eyes? Crap. I hate doing this." He yawned
and leaned his head against the wall.
There was a sudden rumbling inside the room, and some shouting. The
two guys blinked, looked at each other. Before either could say or do
anything, the door slammed open. Touji's head jerked forward from the
vibrations. A female voice rang--nay, nearly screeched out.
"I HATE this! I am SICK of this!! IKARI, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!"
"Geez, I'm sorry already, Asu--"
"_Ayanami_?!"
The albino girl stomped over to Shinji and picked him up by his shirt
collar, hissing. "Dammit, because of you, I'm stuck in that room forced
to look things up that are really messing with my head. And it's all-
your-fault-!" She dropped him on the floor and marched off.
The two boys sat there stunned.
"Must...must be that time of month," mumbled Touji. "The mental part,
that is."
"'That time of month'? I wasn't aware that Ayanami had a 'that time of
month'. She's never _had_ a 'that time of month'. Heck, if women had a
'that time of year', Ayanami would have had to forfeit on account of not
showing up. It couldn't be 'that time of month'. Not Ayanami. Not the
mental part. No, not her." Shinji paused to re-establish motor neuron
control over his shaking hands. "I think I feel scared."
The two of them stared down at the floor, still not quite recovered.
Then a thought struck suddenly.
"Um. Isn't Asuka still in there?"
"Uh-oh."
They both scrambled to their feet and darted back into the room. Asuka
was still standing at the table. It didn't seem like she was capable of
doing much else.
"Asuka? Are you all right? What happened here?"
"She-she-she-she she blew up the First Child just exploded Wonder Girl
went nuts ohmyGodohmyGod." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes,
then collapsed into her chair.
"Asuka?" Shinji cautiously walked up to the Second Child. He gently
shook her arm. He didn't expect her to suddenly grab at his shirt.
"Shinji! It was so scary!!" she sobbed. "Rei's fine--what passes for
her as fine--all this time, and suddenly, she, she sits up straight for
a few seconds, blinks a little, and goes off like the Second Impact!
Screaming about being trapped in this room, and then she starts throwing
books all over the place! Rei! Her! The quiet one!"
"It's always the quiet ones," said Touji, sagely. Asuka threw a book
at him without looking, still weeping a bit. Shinji wasn't sure what to
do.
"It's...okay...uh...right." No, it's not okay, Ayanami just had a
hissy fit, she's never had any particular outburst before, she slapped
me once when I insulted my father, and now she's throwing books and
shaking me up and terrifying _Asuka_ of all people. Say, why _is_ Asuka
still hanging on to my shirt? "Um, would you mind not doing that? After
what just happened outside, I'm feeling wary of girls grabbing at my
clothing." Wait. That didn't sound right.
Asuka pulled away from him suddenly, a disgusted, surprised look on
her face. "WHAT?!"
As Shinji staggered around the room, holding his chin, Asuka rubbed
her slightly bruised fist, not quite as upset by Rei's earlier
explosion. In the meantime, Touji had disengaged his nose from the
Japanese-Hebrew dictionary and struggled to his feet. "I suppose that
means you're all right...."
Asuka slumped a little bit. "She was so frightening. I mean, you know
how she usually is."
Misato popped her head into the room. "What happened? I heard some
yelling from down the hall...where's Rei?"
They explained.
For some reason, Misato didn't look too surprised, but rather, was
thoughtful. "Sounds like something I should tell Ritsuko. Oh well. I
guess you guys should go take a break, then. Help me pick these up
first, though." She bent over to gather a few books, inducing Touji to
start a nosebleed.
------------------------------------------------
"Have they found Rei yet?"
"Yes. She's in the gym, pounding a punching bag. She seems to be an
excellent kickboxer."
"You're kidding."
"No."
"Better get her in here soon."
"Who's going to do it?"
"Umm...."
------------------------------------------------
"Rei."
Rei turned away from the formerly-a-punching-bag-now-stuffing to see
Ikari Gendou, tucking away some sort of cloth into his pocket and
running his hand through his hair. She was breathing heavily, doing
marvelous things for her chest.
"What do you want?" she asked, with a slight edge. Gendou actually
developed a small sweatdrop.
"We...we need you in the labs."
------------------------------------------------
There was a flying anteater on the monitor.
"Bingo."
"IT'S IN ME!??!?"
Ritsuko was rather unnerved by Rei yelling like that. "Uh, yes. Hey,
look, there's your soul's image, right beneath Shinji's." And, indeed,
there it was.
"I would never have guessed," murmured Gendou. Misato and Ritsuko both
nodded. Rei simply stared.
"They look like they're fighting, though it's hard to say _how_ that
and an anteater might fight each other." Ritsuko shrugged. "Well, let's
print up the report, then, and get working on a way to return Shinji's
soul to him."
"What do you mean?"
"It means, back to the books, Rei."
"AAAAARGH!!!"
"But perhaps we should give you the day off first," added Ritsuko,
wincing.
------------------------------------------------
"It's where?!"
"Stuck in ME. And YOU are the reason that I'm so pissed off."
Asuka actually looked sympathetic. "Being stuck with _that_ guy's
soul. Must be a pain."
"Excuse me, but what's going on again?" Touji looked confused.
Rei turned to him, glaring. "His soul is in my body. I was the last
one to disconnect and leave from the entry plugs, and it swam over into
me, or something. However, my soul is also in my body, still. They don't
seem to be getting along too well. Delayed reaction. The imbalance is
driving me crazy." It was the first time that she had spoken in a while
without shouting, but only barely.
"Oh. Gee, who would have figured yin and yang could be so much fun?"
A deathly silence struck the room.
"What? Wha'd I say?"
They finished whapping Touji upside the head in turns, leaving him to
blink a bit and try to fix his hair.
"Hey, guys. Where were you all day?" Kensuke jogged up, with Hikari
following close behind.
"Well, we finally found out where Shinji's disembodied essence has
gone," said Asuka. She explained it to them. Kensuke's and Hikari's eyes
grew wide.
"Wow, it can actually do that?" wondered Hikari. "I never knew."
Kensuke laughed a little.
"Well, Ayanami, it must be fun to have...have...uh?"
Fifteen seconds and fifty-odd decibels later, Kensuke was cowering in
a corner of the room. Hikari would have done so as well, but she was too
terrified to move. Rather, she was whimpering something about demon
possessions and trying to recall some holy Shinto words of warding.
Shinji unplugged his ears. "You know," he whispered in an aside to
Touji, "I think her yelling just peeled off a few layers of paint in
this room." He examined his clothes, continuing, "And I _know_ my jeans
weren't this faded just a few moments ago. Plus my shirt looks ironed
now."
"Maybe we should have warned them about that first," muttered Touji.
They settled back down after a few minutes.
Placatingly, Hikari asked, "So, uhm, did you find out what your soul
looks like, then?" Wordlessly, Rei pulled out one of the printouts and
displayed it. "Cool...." Rei returned it to the folder she was carrying.
"That sure was interesting," said Kensuke, warily. The others silently
agreed. "Anyways, ah...any ideas on how to...get it back to him?"
"We...we still have to do some research. Starting tomorrow, though.
It's been a long day, today."
------------------------------------------------
Asuka reclined on the bench, while Hikari leaned against its back. It
had been, indeed, a very long day....
Rei was out somewhere beating the crap out of another punching bag.
Or, if someone got too close, then...which was why Asuka and Hikari were
being extra careful to stay away from her.
"She scared you, didn't she?"
"I couldn't move from where I was standing."
"When she first blew up, same here. Books flying all over the place,
screaming at me...." Asuka fell silent. The two girls contemplated the
sunset.
"So, it's really that bad to have two souls in one body? But why did
it take so long for her to...react?"
"I have no idea. But I heard that Rei's soul is maladjusted to begin
with, so maybe that's why things are so bad for her."
"Really...so, maybe, if both the souls are more...um, agreeable, it
wouldn't be so bad?"
"I guess."
There was a pause. Asuka suddenly felt the air grow...saccharine.
"I wonder how it would feel to share souls with Touji-kun..." came a
somewhat dreamy voice. It almost didn't sound like Hikari. Asuka
quietly debated whether or not to throw up. "He's such a nice person."
"I can't help but think that you're not the best judge of character."
Hikari broke out of her slight haze and frowned at her friend. "You do
have to remember how he takes care of his sister in the hospital. Now
that's kindness, if you ask me. And...well, he's nice otherwise, too."
Both girls sighed, but for completely different reasons.
"I wonder what it's going to take for them to get back to normal."
Asuka was anxious to change the subject before Hikari got syrupy on her
again. "Being like this couldn't be any good for either of them.
Especially with how Rei takes all of this out on everyone...most of all
Shinji."
"Oh, so you've got a soft spot for Shinji, do you?" Hikari poked at
Asuka's shoulder.
"Hey!" Asuka jumped up, making her dress flutter up to some rather
indecent heights.
"Kidding, kidding...."
"Yeah, yeah. Geez, I feel tired. I think I'm going to turn in a little
early tonight."
------------------------------------------------
Shinji waited impatiently in the conference room. He had just arrived
that morning at NERV HQ, when they said that Maia had found out how to
get everything back in order. Next to him, Rei sat with her arms
crossed. What was taking them so long?
"Any idea what it might be?"
"No."
Ancient Jewish texts. Somehow, all of this stuff had been written of
and foreshadowed all the way back then. Ominous, that, although Shinji
wasn't quite sure why. The coming of Angels, the creation of EVAs, the
mingling of souls, and the returning of souls. Somehow.
He sincerely hoped this wasn't going to be anything too weird.
Finally, Maia and Misato entered the room. He could see Kaji beyond
the door they had entered, coughing. Very red in the face, he was. Hmm.
Oh well. There were more pressing matters at hand.
"Misato-san? Maia-san? You say you've got it?" The two women nodded.
Odd, they looked a bit uneasy.
Maia spoke first. "Um, yes, we found out how...but...er...." She
looked over at Misato. No help there, it seemed. "Well, it's kind of....
Oh, geez...." She looked pale.
"What? What is it!?" Rei had stood up by now. Her displeasure showed
very clearly. "Dammit, I've been waiting for two days already!"
Misato nudged Maia a bit, whispering, "Go on. You got the short
straw." Flustered, Maia looked again over at Misato, then bent down to
Rei's ear and whispered something. Rei's eyes grew wide.
"You're...you're kidding." She looked to Misato, who shook her head,
apologetically. "Oh, no."
Shinji felt very afraid. But before he could say anything, Rei set a
determined look on her face.
"All right. Whatever it takes. Where?"
Hanging her head, Maia pointed over at a side door. Rei grabbed
Shinji's hand and dragged him over there, through the door, and closed
it behind them.
There was a bed in the room. Shinji started to sweat. A lot.
"Ah...are they thinking what I think they're thinking?"
*zzzzzzip*
He turned around to see Rei taking off her dress and unbuttoning her
blouse. "Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."
Shinji _stood_up_ in his bed.
"Oh, dear God." He looked at the clock. 3 AM. He shook his head a
little and then, with a sigh, slipped back under his covers, and
returned to sleep.
*zzzzzzip*
"Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."
Shinji didn't wake up this time.
************************************************
The writer looked up from his keyboard.
"Hey. I don't do lemons. Stop looking so disappointed."
************************************************
------------------------------------------------
Rei was dreaming as well. However, unlike a few others, she realized
that she was dreaming. She found herself, in her dreams, confronting a
winged anteater.
"Oh, so now you have to come bother me while I'm sleeping, do you?
Twit." She realized that she was dressed in her plug suit, floating in
some LCL. "Well, what is this all supposed to mean?"
The anteater spoke, with Shinji's voice. "What does this mean? What
indeed."
Rei stared at it, waiting. "Aren't you going to tell me?"
"How am I supposed to know? I'm just the part of Shinji that got
sucked into EVA-01, through the system, and shoved into you. I have no
idea about what's going on." He...let's call it a he--he sniffed
indignantly through his snout.
Rei took a swing at him, but he fluttered out of reach. "Hold still,
you," she snarled. "Why are you and my soul fighting with each other,
anyway?"
"Fighting? We're not fighting, we're, well, arguing. Sort of. In that
ethereal way that souls do. Yeah."
As ethereal as a barroom brawl, by the looks of the scans. "And why
are you arguing?"
"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. Why don't you ask your soul,
_she_ started it."
"Whaddaya mean, _my_ soul started it?"
"I was just wandering around in your...well, I have no idea what the
term is. Anyways, I was just wandering around...you, when I bumped into
your soul. Before I knew it, she had me in a full-nelson, trying to bang
my head into...well, I guess it's like a wall, but I doubt you have
steel-reinforced concrete structures in you, as such."
"Where is it now?"
"Why are you asking _me_ where _your_ soul is?"
Rei grumbled. The anteater continued.
"Odd, that you have so much personality all of a sudden. I'm sure
Shinji must appreciate it. Or something like that. Actually, I imagine
he's scared to death of you. The others, too, right?"
Rei smiled, slightly evilly. The anteater backed away nervously.
"Aaaaanyways--why did your soul just attack me like that?"
"Maybe she...I'm referring to my soul in the third person...she likes
to protect her territory against intruders. I don't know!" The anteater
thought it over some, and then shrugged. Kind of. It shrugged in the way
that only anteaters can.
"Well, I can't wait to get out of here and back into my rightful
owner. I must admit, though, that it's a little more interesting here
than I would have imagined."
"And what do you mean by that?" She advanced on him menacingly.
"Er, never mind. Uh, say, shouldn't you be waking up about now?"
"No. I still have two hours."
"Geez. You can keep track of time in your dreams?" Rei nodded. "I'm
impressed, really I am...."
They fell silent, staring at one another. The situation grew slightly
more uncomfortable. Somehow.
Rei spoke again. "Do you have any idea how you might get back to
Shinji?"
"None at all. And if I did, I probably wouldn't be allowed to say so."
"What?"
"I dunno. It's probably some rule concerning souls. I'm just guessing
here, you know."
"Oh." A pause. Then, "Why is everything so damned obtuse?"
"If things were too easy, well, this would all feel...well, stupid, or
something. Besides, Shinji already used up all the breaks with the first
time it happened, remember? I mean, get back into the entry plug, hold
your breath, kick the computer hard a few times in its electronic groin-
equivalent, and there I go, right back into where I belong. Too simple.
Murphy's Law is getting revenge now. Must be in my contract. I'm sure
that what's going to have to happen this time is either much harder, or
much weirder, or both, somehow." He looked around himself. "'Throne of
the soul'...heh, I sure would like to find _that_ thing."
Rei sighed, then muttered, "You annoy me, you know that?"
"Absolutely."
"So go away. I need to get some sleep that'll actually do me some
good."
------------------------------------------------
"Shinji, you don't look too good." Shinji turned two bleary red eyes
towards his friend.
"I know, Touji. Didn't sleep very well last night. You know, though,
I'm having difficulty deciding whether that's a good thing or a bad
thing." Touji blinked, but decided not to say anything else, and turned
back to his book. He didn't notice Shinji giving a very, very nervous
glance towards Rei, across the table. However, she did.
"What are you looking at me for?"
"No-nothing! Really! Heh...heh...."
Asuka looked suspiciously at Shinji. Seeing this as an opportunity to
shift some rather unwelcome attention, he spoke up. "Uh--what are _you_
looking at me for?"
Asuka turned away quickly. "Just trying to figure out why you're such
a loser." Shinji frowned, but then shrugged. Touji felt that it would
not be wise to try and catch any of that. Life was dangerous enough as
it was. Rather....
"Hey, did you guys notice that the word 'angel' is contained in
'Evangelion'?"
Three heads swiveled his way. Touji shrank beneath the stares.
"Well, we were due for some insightful comment, weren't we?"
They toiled on, in relative silence.
************************************************
"You know, that 'angel' in 'Evangelion' bit was an actual comment made
to me by a friend."
Facing a sudden, oppressive silence, the writer reddened, muttered,
"Never mind," and returned to work.
************************************************
------------------------------------------------
Shinji waited nervously in the conference room. They said that Maia
had found it. That already was far too close for comfort. Next to him,
Rei sat with her arms crossed. Oh, geez....
"Ah...any...any idea what it might be?"
"No."
Shinji swallowed nervously.
Finally, Maia and Misato appeared. Kaji was behind the door...not
coughing, though, just smiling. Maia and Misato were smiling also.
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be anything too
bad.
"We got it," announced Maia proudly.
"And?" asked Rei.
Misato answered, "Take it easy. We'll be doing this one thing at a
time. Both of you, get into your plug suits, and meet back here when
you're done dressing."
------------------------------------------------
As they walked to the locker room, Shinji turned towards Rei. "Ah, so,
this doesn't seem to be anything too weird, uh, does it?" He attempted a
smile.
"Don't speak too quickly," answered Rei. He started to sweat again.
Inside the locker room, Shinji dressed slowly. As he did so, he
contemplated the slick, soft clothing that enhanced his body's ability
to synchronize with the robot.
"Yeah, enhance the pain, too," he growled. He hated fighting in that
thing. It was so unimaginably--
"Oh, shut up and stop whining, you wimp!" yelled Rei from the other
side of the curtain. That was rather annoying, this rude interruption
during a moment of serious, insightful introspection. He angrily looked
up to see her silhouette through the separator as she....
*zzzzzzip*
Oh, my.
Funny, how the gut wasn't feeling so empty, not since last night.
Perhaps the hormones took over the soul's job a little bit. He wiped
away the trickle of blood coming from his left nostril. You know, that
curtain there seemed a little thinner than usual or something, today.
------------------------------------------------
When the two pilots returned to the conference room, they found that
Kaji had decided to join the two ladies.
"All right," he said, "now you two will have to get into one of the
EVAs. Which one will it be?"
"Unit 01."
"Unit 00."
The two children turned and stared at each other. Rei growled a
little. Shinji decided to grow a little backbone and merely flinched
slightly.
"All right, you two, break it up. We'll flip for it," said Kaji,
turning around to look for a coin on the desk behind him. Rei flipped
_something_ at his back. Misato snickered. Turning back to the children,
he continued. "All right. Heads, Unit 01. Tails, Unit 00." He set the
coin on his thumb.
*ping*
It soared in an arc through the air and landed on the floor, bouncing
a few times before coming to a halt. Everyone stared at it.
"E...edge," called Maia.
They stared at it some more.
"Well. How about Unit 02, then?" suggested Misato brightly.
------------------------------------------------
"WHAT!? They're going into MY Unit 02? Why!?"
Kaji showed Asuka the coin, still sitting on the ground.
"Oh...."
------------------------------------------------
"This should be all right. The cross-synchronization tests showed that
you shouldn't have any trouble, at least not with Unit 02."
The entry plug screwed in smoothly with a hiss. It filled with LCL and
both of the Children sat on the "floor" next to the cockpit.
"Initiate synchronization." The plug whirred to life, moving through
its stages quickly.
"Critical point reached and passed." The plug lit up, and Maia's and
Ritsuko's face showed on a monitor.
"Is everything all right?" Both children nodded. Ritsuko paused,
seeming to gather herself together. "All right then." She seemed to be
having difficulty keeping her composure. Shinji was starting to feel
disturbed again.
Ritsuko took a deep breath and continued. "Now, then. You two...you
two are going to have to...um. Kiss. And hold it for at least thirty
seconds, preferably a little longer."
Rei's jaw dropped. Shinji almost sighed in relief, then thought better
of it, for the way that it just _might_ be misconstrued. He simply
turned his face away from the monitor. The faint sound of a few voices
yelling "WHAT?!" could be heard, seemingly coming from behind Ritsuko.
"Er...I-I...see..." stammered Shinji. He looked at Rei, saw her set a
determined look on her face.
"All right," she said. "Whatever it takes."
He had a sudden sense of deja vu. They both repositioned themselves,
facing each other.
Someone else then spoke. "We'll cut off the viewscreens to give you
two your privacy." There was a distinct chuckle in the voice. Kaji, of
course. The monitors blinked off.
"No funny stuff, you hear?" muttered Rei. Shinji only nodded.
Oh well, at least I had some prior experience. Of sorts....
A few seconds passed, then on some unknown cue, both leaned towards
each other. Shinji instinctively tilted his head, this time not having
his movement restricted by a hand pinching his nose shut. They slowly
closed their eyes.
Closer...closer...lip contact. He brought his arms up and gently held
Rei by the shoulders. Soft. Warm. Not bad, this. Along with that came
the slow feeling like he was being dipped into a large cup of soda. Er,
not that he actually knew what that felt like...ahh, much bet...ter?
Thirty seconds were definitely up by now. Interesting, I feel
something soft pressing up against my chest.... Say, why isn't she
letting go? Wait, when did she even start to hold on to me? And why are
her hands--HEY! And.... I'm sure I only have one tongue; what's
going...on....
No longer distracted by a minor detail like regaining his soul, Shinji
found himself in a very, very deep kiss, the type that was intended to
clean out the upper portions of the small intestines, while a roaming
pair of hands had managed to meet right...ah...hmm....
A dream! Of course. Just like last night. No, since this was a dream,
it _was_ still last night. Just like the last dream. Yes, that's right.
Only a dream. Shinji patiently waited to wake up...but hey, might as
well enjoy it while it lasts. He almost subconsciously leaned into it a
little.
------------------------------------------------
"Tell me, sempai," said Maia, "I know that the EVAs can harbor souls
sometimes, but do they have emotions of their own?"
Ritsuko, who was carefully monitoring the readouts from Unit 02, only
glanced up briefly at her subordinate, answering, "I never thought about
that, but I guess it's possible. Why do you ask?" Then, quickly, to
herself, she mumbled, "Wow...82% synch rate? And climbing!"
"Because I'd swear that Unit 02 has a distinctively lecherous look on
its face right now."
"What?"
------------------------------------------------
Fifteen seconds finally convinced Shinji that no, this was not a
dream. He managed to pull himself free of Rei's, um, embrace, although a
certain part of him (the part that kept him asleep that second time
around) was rather reluctant. He kept his eyes on Rei. She was smiling
at him, although smiling might be a tame word.
"Shinji-kun," she purred. Rei was purring?
Shinji almost started to hiccup out of sheer nervousness. Turning the
monitors back on, he said in a shaky voice, "We-we're, we're, um,
finished now, Ritsuko-san...." No funny stuff, _she_ said....
"Not quite yet, I still have something to take care of," called out
Rei, slowly advancing on her hands and knees, over the cockpit seat,
towards Shinji.
"Rei, you can...stop, now. Please? Sorry. Company time and all that,
you know." Rei halted, looking disappointed. Shinji's mind was on
overload.
Oh, no. Out of the frying pan, into...into the nuclear reactor core.
My life seems to run on extremes, or something.
Another monitor burst into life. It was filled with Asuka's furious
face.
"You two are such PERVERTS! In MY EVA, too! UGH!! I can't believe it!"
Rei turned towards the monitor. "What's the matter? Jealous?" She
smirked a bit. Asuka turned even redder, choking on her words.
"WHAT!?"
"I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly.
************************************************
The writer sat back. He was pleased.
"Now, what next?"
He glanced around surreptitiously, looking for a gigantic red robot
that was being piloted by a teed-off 14 year-old girl.
***
To be continued....
***
Ha! That was fun. That was a lot of fun. Yes, Terry Pratchett's
influence kind of shone through a bit, there, I suppose (and not just
the wossname bit). In fact, if it wasn't for him, I don't think I could
write like this.
Man, I had just finished off the TV series while writing this. Yes,
it's depressing. And the movie, oh I've heard things about the movie....
But it was all almost worth it to see the little "alternate universe"
bit near the end of the last episode. You know, I'm thinking about
turning _that_ into a series...but you all know how bad I am with
extended writings.
Anyways--how long will this stuff all be? I don't know. I'll write as
long as the ideas for it keep coming. I'm hoping this will turn out to
be something that I'll be remembered by.... It's too difficult to make a
mark with Ranma fanfiction, and Ranma's the only other thing I can write
so far.
Thanks to my prereaders (in no particular order): RpM, Jason Langlois,
Robert Morrison, Zen, Mike Chen, Chris Davies, Anne Packrat, Kevin
Shiue, and Mark Doherty. They gave me much needed feedback while I was
still unable to get to the FFML, over the summer of '97.