Although he'll never say it out loud, he thinks she's beautiful. In a weird sort of way, you know. The way that has nothing to do with elegance or sophistication. The way that has nothing to do with Trudy.

He doesn't know why the thought keeps flying through his head, but sometimes she gives him these... these Looks. They just -- they're just so... intense. Her eyes sort of... sort of sparkle, and the corners of her mouth turn up a little, and the idea just pops into his head.

She's beautiful.

The guilt always follows, of course, because he shouldn't be thinking that. He... He just shouldn't be distracted. Something could happen. Something that shouldn't happen. He might say something that he'd end up regretting...

Then again, what didn't he end up regretting?

No, no... He -- he can't be thinking like that again. What would Trudy say? Oh God, Trudy.

Oh, God...

Although he'll never say it out loud, he thinks she's beautiful. Her eyes, her personality, her sense of humor -- even when she's making fun of him, he mentally acknowledges the fact that her comments are funny.

But he never lets himself show it.

"What is up with you?" she frequently asks him with a sigh. "You never laugh!"

"I... I laugh," he replies.

"Really." Her words are full of disbelief, but he is lying through his teeth. She always knows when he's lying.

"Well... well -- it's not so much a laugh as a... as a..."

"As a what, Adrian?"

Adrian. She's the only one who really calls him Adrian. To everyone else he's Mr. Monk, or Monk, or...

"A... chuckle?" he says hopefully.

She gives him that Look, and shakes her head. "God, Adrian..." she mutters.

"I... I know."

He knows. He's known for years, the nights he's spent fantasizing do teach him some things. The only real problem is, he knows a lot more than he'd like to. Hours of reflection can do that to a person.

He wonders what might have happened if they had met at a different time in both of their lives. Not before Trudy, of course. No one could ever come before Trudy -- but maybe before she had been taken from him. Maybe then he'd be stable enough to know that the woman he thinks of is just... just a friend. The Looks are just looks, anyway, and it's not like he would have the... the courage to bring it up.

Ever.