The Devil and Jimmy Neutron

by Gary D. Snyder

Part 1:

Carl panted from the effort, his eyes closed tightly from the strain. After a few seconds of this mighty exertion he slowly began to speak.

"'The…'…uh…line?" he asked, opening his eyes.

"'Quality'", said Jimmy.

"Oh, right." said Carl. Okay. 'The quality…'…uh…line?"

"'Of'", said Libby.

"Oh, right," said Carl again. "'The quality of…'…uh…line?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" said Cindy. "If we keep this up we'll be here all day before he gets the first sentence done."

It was lunchtime and Jimmy, Cindy, Libby, Carl, and Sheen were in the cafeteria gathered around a lunch table. Miss Fowl had assigned each of her students a recitation for English by tomorrow, and at the moment Carl was struggling with his piece.

"No, no, I'm getting it. Just give me a hint," begged Carl.

Cindy rolled her eyes. "It starts with 'm'."

"Thanks," said Carl. "'The quality of…' …uh…milk?"

"No," said Cindy.

"Meat?"

Cindy buried her face in her crossed forearms on the table. "No!"

"Marmalade?"

"This is 'The Merchant of Venice', Carl," said Sheen. "Just try to remember."

At first Carl looked lost, but suddenly his face brightened. ""The Merchant of Venice'? Okay, I think I have it now." He cleared his throat and began again. "'The quality of merchants…'"

This was too much for Cindy. She jumped up from her chair and let out a snort of frustration. "Look, Carl," she said. "We've been over this a dozen times already. It goes

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,

It droppeth as the rain from heaven

To the earth below…"

Jimmy interrupted Cindy at this point. "Uh, Cindy? Actually, it goes

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath…"

"Oh, who asked you?" demanded Cindy.

"Hey, you're the one complaining about Carl not getting it right," retorted Jimmy. "Before you do that you'd better be sure you can do better."

"Hey, Jimmy," Libby interrupted. "Isn't there something else Carl can learn? Something shorter or easier?"

"Or in English?" added Carl.

Jimmy sighed. "This is English, Carl. It's just the English that was spoken back in the 16th century."

"Yeah, Carl," said Sheen. "So you'd better get it right before we get medieval on your syntax!"

Carl trembled at the threat. "But why do I need to learn things just because someone famous wrote them a long time ago?"

"It's not just that they were written a long time ago, Carl," Jimmy explained. "All of Shakespeare's plays have something important to say. In this speech Portia is trying to explain that mercy is as essential to the law as justice is."

Carl considered that. "Couldn't she have just said that instead of all this other stuff?"

Cindy groaned. "Give him something else, Neutron. Something shorter. Much shorter. I mean, I do have high school coming up in just a few years and I'd like to be ready for it."

Jimmy's voice was thoughtful. "Well, Miss Fowl didn't say it had to be classical. There is 'Fleas', but no one knows who actually wrote it."

"How does it go?" asked Libby.

Clearing his throat, Jimmy said,

"Adam

Had'em."

"Is that all?" Carl asked in surprise.

"Yep," replied Jimmy. "Now you try it."

This seemed to make Carl happy. "Okay. No problem." Clearing his throat like Jimmy, he said, "'Fleas', by Hugh Actually –"

"What?" asked Cindy.

"What 'what'?" Carl volleyed.

"Hugh Actually? Who is Hugh Actually?"

Carl looked puzzled. "I thought Jimmy said that Hugh Actually wrote it."

Jimmy choked at this. Cindy started to argue and then, mindful of the time, thought better of it. "Fine. Whatever. Go ahead."

Carl started again. "'Fleas', by Hugh Actually. 'Adam…'…uh…line?"

This was all Cindy could take. "That's it!" she exploded. "I'm out of here!"

"Fine," was all that Jimmy said. "As Shakespeare so aptly put it,

Rather proclaim it, Westmorland, through my host,

That he which hath no stomach to this fight,

Let him depart.

'King Henry V', Act IV, Scene 3."

Show off, thought Cindy. "You'd better watch your step, Pew-tron. As Shakespeare also said, 'Pride goeth before a fall'."

Jimmy looked innocent. "Actually, Vortex, that's from Proverbs 16:18, and it goes 'Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall'." As rule Jimmy considered his verbal sparring with Cindy to be a major waste of time, but he thought that her answering scream of frustration made this particular instance well worth it.

End of Part 1.