A/N: This was written in response to a challenge at the Dancing Dove write the diaries, Bridget Jones-style, of various Tamora Pierce characters.

The Very Secret Diary of Ozorne Muhassin Tasikhe, Emperor of Carthak

Day 1:

Great news! Have met v. pretty girl. She came with Tortall delegates. Think self has attracted her, as flirted by asking how birds were, though did get a bit shirty when I asked how pet dragon was taken.

In other news, Arram is back. Still v. v. v. hot.

Day 2:

Good news: chemistry between Arram and self has not diminished. Bad news: Arram into blondes. Am thinking of dye job. Worse news: Arram probably back with old lover.

Day 3:

Arram definitely back with old lover. Saw them flirting at breakfast. Varice also looking smug, so presume Arram has been at it with both of them.

Am making progress with girl V.S., but have noticed heir looking. Note to self: have heir executed for treason.

Later:

Arram has crush on V.S. Hee.

Or possibly her animals. Probably her animals. Either way, might be a good idea to have them locked up.

Made statue of Arram in rags and chains. V. hot, but not as good as original, so crushed it. Arram screaming v. sexy.

Wonder how athletic self needs to be to do Arram's rounds? Arram possibly learnt to make simulacra?

Nah.

Later:

Saw V.S., heir, and Arram on barge. Sexual tension between heir and Arram very thick. Very smelly, too, though may have been incense. Have decided to forget Arram and return to V.S. Arram not into chains, if self remembers correctly, so perhaps all for the best.

Day 5:

V.S. is in Gift-proof cell. Have sent Imperial guards to Lindhall's rooms.

Later:

Self absolutely right! Arram shacking up with Lindhall. Am going down to his cell now with new dye job.

Later:

Have remembered Arram not into that. Tristan was v. accommodating. Then again, Tristan is a tree. But a v. good servant. Last reports before tree-tment (hee! Self is so funny!) sounded v. satisfied.

Later:

Suspect Tristan may have been cheating on me with husband. And messengers were v. smug.

Note to self: have messengers executed. Then will be v. headless.

Day 6:

Arram executed. Sadly, new dye job hasn't worked. Must execute hairdresser tomorrow.

Day 7:

V.S. having a tantrum about Arram's death. Am thinking Arram may have known how to make simulacra.

Later:

Damn! Curse all the gods! Have an ingrowing talon and most definitely do not suit windswept. Being a Stormwing is really not working out for me. Pro: can see reflection in shiny metal wings, so do not have to bother packing full-length mirror. Con: am being chased by three extremely cheesed-off Stormwings, one of whom hit on me today. Rejected him, as do not need relationship on top of species change, gods' curse and ingrowing talon. He is now pursuing me with two others (ex-lovers???).

In other news: Arram not dead. Knew he was using simulacra to get around.