AN: I keep hearing this song on the radio, like daily, so it must be speaking to me. So I'll ignore what's it's saying to me and put it in fanfic instead. This was intended to be a one-shot introspective piece but I can't write anything short so I apologize in advance. This will probably have a second part to come later (maybe after tonight's episode). Hopefully I handled the first-person POV ok, let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the OC or its characters. I don't own Jane's Addiction either.
"…Jane says-
She's never been in love-
No, she don't know what it is-
Only knows if someone wants her…
I wonder it they want me…
I only know if they want me…"
--Jane's Addiction
I stared at the ceiling of the poolhouse. No one was up in the main house, unless Sandy had left early to go surfing. It wasn't even dawn yet. I hadn't slept a full night in weeks. Oliver seemed to be haunting my dreams. Not Oliver as much as Marissa. All the things that went wrong. It seemed like everything was going wrong. I should be used to it, things always go wrong in my life, my life defined the idea of wrong. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, I always made the wrong choice.
Marissa seemed like the right choice. She was a goddess. I'd never seen anyone like her. Even in a place as ethereal as Newport, she was a step above. Something about her had called out to me. I was drawn to her. Maybe it was because she was so much like my mother. I should have given up as soon as I saw the similarities. Her need for someone to depend on. The way she took my love for granted. I think I loved her, anyway. I really tried. I was committed to her, I would have done anything for her and I nearly lost everything trying to protect her. I walked away from the Harbor school twice for her, once to help her escape from the hospital and again when I jumped Oliver. I smiled. At least I got a few good punches in on that crazy bastard. Anyway. She didn't care about any of that. She didn't care that I almost lost the Cohens, the place I live, because of her. She's so selfish that I can't even think about it without getting strung out. When her life came crashing down around her, she still had a place to go, two parents that wanted her. She'll never understand what it's like to be unwanted. What it's like to be nothing to anyone. Marissa is simply too much for me to handle. She doesn't love me. She's not what I wanted her to be. She's wrong. No matter how much I want her to be right, she's wrong.
And now Theresa. She was right, once. Well, a couple of times. We had a lot of fun. A lot of fights too. We were always hot and cold. When we were on, it was magic. When my mom was on one of her binges last summer, we cut summer school and stayed in bed for two days. We didn't need food, the marijuana and each other's bodies kept us occupied. Those were nice days. Hazy, but nice. Two days later, we had a huge fight and didn't talk to each other for a month. I have missed her. Her hair always smelled like kiwi. I never knew another woman that had hair that smelled like hers. So many nights I'd wake up with her hair splayed across my face or chest and I'd have to brush it away. I liked that. Anyone else, it pissed me off. But with Theresa, it was nice. She knew me. Not like Marissa. I loved Theresa but not like Marissa. I loved Theresa because she loved me. We loved each other. But not enough. Or not in the right way. Anyway. Marissa was the first person I ever said 'I love you' to and I meant it, but I cared about Theresa. I had cared deeply for a lot of people. I didn't really know what 'love' was.
I didn't know why Theresa turned up in my life right now. I'm so fucked up inside that I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I shut Marissa down. I just couldn't listen to her apologizing. I'm so fucking sick of apologies. Seth, Marissa, everyone. The only person that truly supported me during the whole fucking Oliver thing was fucking Luke. Luke. Shit, no wonder my head was fucked up. Seth was trying, shit, he was almost stalking me. He was still completely self-centered but what else is the kid going to talk about? From what I've seen, Seth had never had friends before, let alone girlfriends or *gasp* lovers, so I know that he didn't mean it. The kid was really trying to make it better, trying to get me to talk to him. And I wanted to. I missed him. He made me think. He made me have a good time in impossible situations.
But if I couldn't forgive Marissa, if I couldn't "go back to the way things were' with her, why should I do it with Seth? Or his family? Why could I overlook their betrayal if I couldn't overlook Marissa's?
"Dude. What are you doing? You look awful," Luke's voice broke into my thoughts.
I didn't know what was going on with Luke. The dude was straight up lying to me lately. He had been crashing on the poolhouse couch a few nights a week, sneaking in as the sun rose. He kept telling me that he was dating someone that his parents didn't approve of and he needed an alibi. Luke was a good guy and I knew that if he needed my help that he would ask for it. He needed an alibi, and I could do that. I kept waiting for him to explain things, but he hadn't yet. He just came in a few nights a week, exhausted, and crashed out on the couch. It was nice to have someone around that wasn't constantly grilling me about my feelings or my relationships. The Cohens were used to him being around and made sure that he ate. They were under the impression that he was fighting with his parents a lot and I didn't correct them. Shit, I didn't know.
"Thanks. Good morning to you, too," I muttered.
"Dude. I need your help," Luke said suddenly.
I sat up. This was new. "What's up?"
"I shouldn't tell you this, its really fucked up and twisted…but I have to tell someone because I seriously don't know what to do," Luke said as he sat down heavily on the couch.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"You can't say anything. I mean…to anyone. Not Seth…not Marissa, definitely never Marissa…" Luke continued.
Luke didn't want me to tell Marissa. He'd been parking at my house and disappearing for long hours at a time and walking back. This wasn't sounding good in my head.
"Ryan…" Luke started, his face twisted with confused emotion.
"Please don't tell me you're fucking Julie Cooper," I whispered. He turned red and I closed my eyes. I thought I was confused about love. Damn.
"Dude, you can't say anything…"
"I won't. Ever. This is your mess," I said. Luke's face fell. "Dude, I'm sorry. What the hell were you thinking?"
"She's so hot dude, and she was so into me…I've never had sex like this before…"
"Man…is it just sex?" I asked.
"Yeah…I mean, I think so…I really like her, she's cool and she talks to me like I'm a person…like she cares about me and I listen to her…"
"That sounds like more that just sex," I replied. This was weird. This could only happen in Newport. Shit, the moms in Chino never looked as good as Julie Cooper. I didn't want to think about this anymore.
"Boys, you're certainly up early," Sandy said as he walked in. Luke and I both jumped in surprise. Sandy was worried about me. He'd been showing up in the poolhouse almost daily for 'meaningful chats' as Luke put it. I wished that I could say something to make him feel better, to make him relax but the words hadn't formed in my head yet.
"Morning, Mr. Cohen," Luke said, still red from his confession a few moments before.
"Morning, Luke. How are your parents?"
Luke shrugged.
"You don't have the nonverbal thing down yet, but I'm sure Ryan's training you," Sandy joked.
I rolled my eyes and Luke relaxed slightly.
"What's your plan for this big Saturday?" Sandy asked. His hair was wet from surfing. He had seemed disappointed when I wasn't interested in learning to surf, but it definitely wasn't my thing. I'm from California but not from the beach. I wasn't a big fan. I wasn't a fan at all.
I glanced at Luke, knowing that he needed to talk as possibilities ran through my mind. Hanging out at the poolhouse had been my pattern of late but I didn't think I could take another day of surprise visitors. In a house made of windows, no visitor should be a surprise but those windows would be permanently blocked with blinds if Rosa would just cooperate and leave them closed while I was gone.
"I think we were leaning toward some basketball later," Luke said suddenly. I shook my head.
"Basketball? I didn't know you played basketball," Sandy smiled. He was always anxious to find out any information on me.
"I play. I just don't play that well," I replied dryly. Many of my battles had been fought on the basketball court. It was not my favorite sport, more like my favorite catalyst for fights. I didn't know where Luke was going with this story but I couldn't back out of his lie yet.
"Don't forget about the formal tonight. Kirsten expects us all there by nine," Sandy said to me. Luke rolled his eyes this time. Sandy turned to Luke, as if sensing his amusement. "You're expected, too, Luke. Anyone who stays here as much as you has to pull his weight and come to the events."
"Tuxedos this time?" I asked.
"Don't worry, I hate it as much as you do, but it's part of living in Newport. Getting dressed up, that is," Sandy said. He started to leave.
"We'll be there, Sandy," I said. Sandy nodded and left the poolhouse. "Basketball?" I asked Luke.
"Well, you weren't saying anything," Luke responded.
"Where the hell are we going to play basketball?" I laughed at the stupidity of the situation. "Do you have a goal somewhere?"
"Hell no. It was a bad idea, I just saw the NBA video game over there and said basketball. Damn, man…"
"No, its cool…let's just get out of here."
"I was thinking, my Dad's out of town on some retreat with his new boyfriend and his boat's empty. Fully stocked bar and a beautiful view of the girls at the marina," Luke said as they stood up.
"Now that sounds like a plan," I nodded. I could use a drink. I needed to hear about this Julie Cooper thing. I had never been interested in gossip before but this was serious. This would kill Marissa. Luke's reputation would be permanently changed as well as Julie's. This was a big deal. I needed a drink.
*****
Luke had passed out by noon but I was still conscious. There were some rowdy frat boys a few slips down the marina that kept hooting and whistling at passing girls but I was ignoring them. Instead of taking shots, I had decided to drink gin and o.j. and work on my tan. Yeah, my tan. No matter how long I spent outdoors, I was never as brown as these fucking kids. Not that it mattered, but since I was lying on the deck of Luke's boat in nothing but my shorts without a book or any distraction, tanning's my excuse.
Luke was really fucked up over this Julie thing. He had told me lots of things. She would come to school and take him for quickies in her car between classes. She'd leave provocative messages on his voicemail. But she was adamant that it was strictly a sexual relationship with no emotions involved. I knew that was easier said than done and Luke was figuring that out. I couldn't give him any advice, I had just listened to him. Sex was tricky. Sex with older women was even trickier. Luke was worried about Marissa and his parents finding out. He really cared about Marissa and I agreed with him that if the truth ever came out, she'd be devastated.
I glanced up as the frat boys started up again. A pretty girl with short blonde hair was walking down the docks and a couple of the boys had walked off their yacht and were talking loudly to her.
"Where're you headed, sweet thang?"
"Fuck off," The girl responded. I recognized that voice.
"Aw, not friendly? A few drinks will fix that," One of the boys yelled.
The girl was trying to walk away but one of the boys was holding her arm. It was Anna Stern. She was still trying to get away but the boys were leading her toward their yacht.
I was off Luke's boat now and on the docks. Anna was a friend, or at least I hoped she was. I hoped she wouldn't get mad at me interfering but she didn't seem eager to get on those guys' boat.
"Hey. Leave her alone," I said, tapping the guy who had her arm.
"Ryan," Anna recognized me, relieved.
"What's it to you, punk?" The guy demanded, not letting go of her arm.
I glanced at Anna for a beat and she shook her head slightly. I didn't punch the guy, I just pulled his hand off her arm. She stepped behind me instantly, letting me protect her. A couple of the guys still on their yacht called for the guy to step back and let it go and for an instant, I hoped he wouldn't. A fight might be just what I needed today.
"Sorry," The guy said, holding his arms up and stepping back.
"Yeah," I muttered. I put my arm around Anna's waist loosely and led her back toward Luke's yacht. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Ryan."
"So what are you doing down here?" I asked.
"I was going to hang out on my Dad's boat," Anna replied.
"All by yourself?"
"Who else would I hang out with?" Anna smiled sadly.
Anna was a good girl. She really cared about Seth but it wasn't enough to detour him from his fixation on Summer Roberts. Ryan liked her. He liked her more than he thought he'd ever like Summer but it was Seth's decision. He had been surprised to learn that Anna had broken it off but he was glad to know that Anna was strong enough to get herself out of an unhealthy relationship. She wouldn't stay with someone who didn't care about her the same way. That said a lot about a person.
"You're welcome to hang out with me. Luke's passed out so I'm…"
"Making all the girls jealous with your shirtless body?" Anna finished with a smirk.
"Sure. That's cool, right?" I replied.
"You don't mind?" She asked tentatively. Her confident shield seemed a little thin today. She was still upset. She would fit right in on 'Luke's boat of despair'.
"We're friends, right? Come on," I led her onto the boat.
Anna seemed to relax after her second rum and coke. I had found her a towel and she was sitting beside me on the deck of the yacht.
"So how are you doing?" Anna asked me quietly.
"How are you doing?"
"I asked you first."
"I'm okay," I answered.
"Come on, Ryan. You're not okay. How could you be? From what I've heard, you had a shittier couple of weeks than me," Anna smiled.
"What'd you hear?" I asked.
"You beat the shit out of Oliver and then the next day he went psycho and took Marissa hostage. Are you guys back together?" She asked.
"No."
Anna paused, waiting for me to continue but I couldn't think of what to say.
"Why?" She asked.
I sighed. These Newport kids were all about feelings. I was much better at fighting. "Because."
"You can't forgive her for not trusting you?" Anna asked quietly.
"Yeah. You get that?"
"Sure. Damn, Ryan, you got into a lot of trouble trying to get her to believe you, trying to get anyone to believe you and…it must have sucked…" Anna's voice faded.
"Yeah. It did. It was really hard. And now she wants me to just forget about it…and I can't," I admitted. I didn't think that I had talked to anyone else about this. Luke wasn't the best guy to go to for advice and I'd cut off a lot of my sparse communication with everyone else.
"I'm sorry, Ryan. I know you cared about her."
"Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you care about someone. If it doesn't work, then…"
"It doesn't work," She nodded.
"And you have to just cut your losses…"
"And move on," She finished for me.
"Exactly," I smiled. She smiled back at me.
"So do you do this a lot?" Anna asked. She finished her drink and I made us fresh ones while I answered her.
"Not really. I'm not big on the whole drinking thing but it's okay on occasion. Today seems like an occasion," I muttered. "Besides, I have to go to another one of Kirsten's dances tonight."
"God, me, too. Boring much? It's just an excuse for my mom to force me to wear a fancy dress," Anna laughed.
"So who're you going with?" I asked, sensing the answer.
"My parents," She sighed.
"Well, I'm going with Luke if that makes you feel better. I think I should buy him some flowers for being my escort," I said. She laughed as she accepted my drink.
"Sounds like a blast."
"We could swing by and pick you up on our way, if you want," I offered.
"Really? What about Seth?" She asked.
I shrugged. "He's taking Summer. What about him?"
"You don't think he'll get mad?"
"Why? I can't hang out with you?" I asked. "I mean, is it some rule that we can't be friends?"
"No. There's not," Anna replied. She smiled.
Luke woke up around two and Anna and I were reasonably intoxicated. Somehow, she had convinced me to take some shots of vodka and I was actually wasted. Luke seemed amused when he found me unsteadily steadying Anna as she walked on the edge of the boat as she headed toward the bathroom.
"Dude. Did you clean out my bar?"
"No, me? You think I would do that?" I replied. Luke laughed. I had never been drunk around them before and it was a little strange. I always talked more when I had been drinking and Anna had commented that I seemed like a different person earlier in the afternoon.
"Hey, Anna. It's good to see you," Luke said. I knew he was still drunk because of the big hug he gave Anna. I knew she was drunk because she returned. I was drunk, too because I laughed.
"Hey, Luke. Thanks for the drinks," She slurred slightly. I staggered as Anna's arm left my waist and I fell down with a crunch. Damn. That hurt and I had probably broken Kirsten's latest purchase for me. Anna and Luke were both laughing but I grabbed their ankles and they were soon on their asses beside me.
"Did you know that Ryan's hilarious?" Anna asked Luke.
"Chino? I don't believe it," Luke balked.
I ignored them and pulled the offending object from my shorts' pocket. A cell phone. Kirsten had given it to me a few days earlier, insisting that I needed it. I hadn't given the number to anyone, but Seth had given the number to several people and announced that I was now a member of the 21st century. The phone wasn't broken but it was flashing that I had missed calls. I had never heard the ringer, I kept it on silent. I didn't need the phone but Kirsten and Sandy always asked if I had it before I'd walk out of the house.
"There's the fabled phone," Luke laughed. "He's had that thing a week and I've never seen him use it."
"I don't need it," I muttered.
"You've got messages that say different, kid," Anna teased.
I put the phone to my ear. The first two messages were from Marissa. She wanted to talk. She wanted another chance. She wanted me to answer the phone. One from Theresa. She was thinking about me and wanted to talk. The next one was a confused call from Seth. Why wasn't I home. What was I doing. It was too early for me to be out with Luke, I should come home and play video games with him. He missed me. I sighed. The next message was from Kirsten. I was surprised. She sounded hesitant but reminded me of the dance later and said that she was sorry about what was going on with Marissa because apparently Jimmy Cooper had asked her about me. Great. Just what I needed to hear.
"Well, I guess Ryan's not funny anymore," Anna joked, nudging me.
"Sorry," I replied. I wasn't as drunk now. My problems weren't gone, they were just waiting for me to return to the poolhouse so they could weigh me down again.
"Dude, this is not the time for you to get all dark and reflective," Luke said quietly. "I don't blame you for hiding the phone if it swings your mood like that."
"Is there a way I can disable the voicemail?" I asked with a smirk.
"Who called you? I didn't even know you had a phone," Anna said.
"Marissa. Theresa. Seth. Seth's mom," I listed.
"Who's Theresa?" She asked.
"Theresa is Ryan's hottie ex from Chino," Luke volunteered instantly. I glared at him but he was too drunk to catch it.
"Ooh. Drama. What's she doing here?" Anna asked, interested.
"She wants Chino," Luke answered.
"Shut up, Luke," I muttered.
"What? I'm telling the truth, right?" Luke replied.
"I don't know what she wants," I answered honestly.
"Do you want to find out?" Anna asked me seriously.
"I don't know that either," I replied.
"So what now? Were any of those calls urgent enough for us to have to leave?" Luke asked.
"Nah. Let's drink some more and forget about all that for a while longer. We've got to sober up for that damned dance soon enough," I replied.
"You're coming with us, right? Strength in numbers against the Newport elite?" Luke asked Anna.
"Yes, I am. Ryan invited me," Anna smiled. I was glad that Luke and Anna were getting along. They didn't seem to have anything in common but the alcohol seemed to unite them. I was an outcast magnet. If you had problems, come see me. God knows I needed all the friends I could get right now.
*****
Luke and I dropped Anna off at her huge house and then he drove me back to the Cohens. He had to go home to get ready but he said that he would come by as soon as he was done to rescue me from the poolhouse. Luke seemed to sense that I was getting antsy at the Cohens and had offered some pre-party drinks. I figured since I was already drunk that there was no reason to stop drinking.
When I walked into the poolhouse, I saw that someone had tidied up. Kirsten, probably. I was used to people in my space, I had nothing to hide. Not here. The only thing I had that was private here was my past and I knew that Sandy had my file locked away inside the house somewhere. Luke's overnight bags were in the corner and she had done his laundry and folded it beside his things. A new answering machine was blinking beside the phone.
I still hadn't gotten used to the fact that I had my own phone. Cell phones were one things but the Cohens had a separate line in the poolhouse that had become mine when I moved in. Now I had an answering machine, too. I hit the button as I sprawled out on the bed. I was too drunk to worry about closing all those damned blinds right now. I wished I had time for a nap but it would probably turn into me passing out at this point and I couldn't miss tonight's dance without the amputation of a limb or something.
"Ryan. It's me," Marissa's voice echoes through the poolhouse. "I…I miss you. I'm coming to the dance tonight and I hope that we can talk. I know you're avoiding me and I'm sorry but…I need you in my life. If you can't forgive me…I don't want to think about that, Ryan…I just want you…"
I deleted the message and the next one started. "Hey, kid. It's Theresa. I'm working at this party tonight and I was just wondering if you were going to be there. Seth, your brother, he gave me a cell phone number but I wasn't sure if it was yours so I tried this number. I hope…I hope I can see you tonight. Maybe we can hang."
God. What the hell was I going to do now? I closed my eyes and things spun in the darkness. I have to get ready. Shower, then stress. That was my plan for now.
*****