Standard Disclaimers Apply
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Sotto Voce
In a subdued voice
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"So what movie did you guys see last week?"
Hitomi turned to Allen with a grin. "We just decided to see the Will Ferrell movie again. Nothing else good was there."
He frowned. "Really?"
"Also, we couldn't agree. Gaddes was being stubborn again."
"Ah." His blue eyes twinkled. "And you're never stubborn."
"I'm just the one who had the good idea."
He laughed, and sat up to grab the computer mouse. "Which episode do you want to watch?"
Allen was spending the Sunday afternoon/evening at Hitomi's house, partly from Folken's invitation, partly from hers. Folken's girlfriend Lexie was over, too, so they had priority on the big TV in the family room and Allen and Hitomi were left with the computer to play DVDs. Since there was only one good chair in the computer room, and fighting would've gone on all night if they'd gone for it, they had just taken pillows with them to the computer room and now lay huddled under blankets – separate blankets – watching the third season of Family Guy, a show about an Irish alcoholic idiot husband, his attractive wife, boring daughter, stupid son, talking sarcastic dog, and baby bent on world domination. A really funny show, actually. One of Hitomi's all-time favorites.
"Do the special people's Olympics episode."
"Alright." Clicking the selected episode, he lay back, wriggling around before he was comfortable.
Hitomi laughed at the beginning, glancing over at Allen to find him grinning as well. "I love this stuff," she remarked with a grin.
He turned his head back at her to smile in agreement.
For a moment it registered that his face was rather close to hers… and they were kinda close on the ground, she supposed… But that was forgotten as another terribly wrong but tremendously funny joke played on the screen.
After about two hours of watching episodes and busting their guts with laughter, Allen looked ruefully back at Hitomi. "I should probably be going now."
She pouted jokingly. "Just one more. C'mon."
He rolled his eyes. "If you insist."
Hitomi sat up as well, stealing the mouse from him. "Let me pick this time."
"You've been picking them almost the whole time."
"Not with the mouse."
Shrugging to himself, he let her have the controls and lay back against the pillow.
After clicking on the proper episode, she lay back as well, aware again for a moment that he seemed closer than he had a moment ago. Smelled pretty good, too…
The episode was one of her favorites, and she held her breath in anticipation of a hilarious part.
Peter, the husband, said in response to a possible threat of death for his family, "Don't worry, Lois, I have it all worked out. We'll move to England! Worst they got there is drive-by… arguments."
Flash-back (there were a lot of these funny 30-second flashbacks for no reason but comic relief)
Two British guys were driving in a car. One said in a thick, snobby British accent, "I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a UnitedEuropeanCommonwealth
The other, in a lower British accent, replied, "Why, yes, I daresay that's the fellow."
"Oh, let's get him…" the first said slyly.
The car pulled up to the curb, and the window rolled down.
"Oh, R-r-reginald!" the first man called, rolling his r's.
The man at the curb turned questioningly.
"I disagree!!"
And the car sped off.
Hitomi laughed aloud for the millionth time that night. "I love that part," she gasped.
Once the episode was over, Allen said, "I really should be going now. Or else my mom might have a fit."
"Yeah, better not risk it," Hitomi agreed. They both stood from their prone position on the floor, stretching the kinks out. She walked him to the door.
"Talk to you later." He gave her a big hug that she returned happily.
Allen gives the best hugs…
She watched him drive away before going back to the computer room to fold up the blankets and put away the DVDs. Her dad walked by, looking in. "Allen's gone?"
"Yeah."
He regarded her sternly. "Next time, I want the doors left open, okay?"
She blinked, surprised. She hadn't even thought of that. "Yeah, no problem. Sorry, Dad."
"I mean it," he stated before leaving.
Hitomi frowned. "Jeez, all he had to do was come in while we were watching the episodes and then leave with the door open, and I would've gotten the hint. Besides, it's not like anything's going to happen," she muttered to herself. Shrugging, she decided to ignore her dad's random outburst. It's not the first time I've done something like this. But it's always something so worth it! Hitomi thought mischievously.
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Hitomi flipped through her Russian book, trying vainly to find the conjugation for the verb "zheet". "I know it's 'ya zhivoo,'" she muttered to herself, "but what are the other forms? Zhivyot… um… damn!"
The computer bleeped, an IM message.
It was hard to do Russian homework while talking with the guy your heart was still set on.
TrackBoy6: you remember when you told me about that guy?
Hitomi frowned slightly, feeling trepidation within her gut. If she kept running with this, she would give it away eventually, she knew it.
AngelEyes51: yeah?
TrackBoy6: who is this guy anyways?
AngelEyes51: just a guy
AngelEyes51: I gotta leave some mysteries about myself, right?
TrackBoy6: its just im curious as to this guy
AngelEyes51: heh
AngelEyes51: why so curious?
TrackBoy6: cause i think he's me
Hitomi gulped. Oh, crap. She couldn't tell him… she didn't want to. I like him… but I don't want to make things weird. I know it won't help for him to know. Gotta find a way to hide it.
AngelEyes51: oh really now?
Hopefully that would sound like her usual self…
TrackBoy6: you've been putting all those songs on your away messages
TrackBoy6: normally after something i say
She bit her lip. Now what? So much for being subtle…
AngelEyes51: nm
Maybe that might divert him…
TrackBoy6: hmmm
TrackBoy6: you just used nm
TrackBoy6: you never use that
She cursed herself again. Damn it, Hitomi, get a grip! It's not like you've said anything yet… But if the burning behind her eyes was any indication, she was about to break down and lose all ability to masquerade everything. Good thing it was IM, where no one could see your face…
AngelEyes51: heh… wanted to shock you
TrackBoy6: i think your caught in a corner
AngelEyes51: no
AngelEyes51: I'm sitting in a chair
AngelEyes51: although my computer is in a corner of the room
TrackBoy6: now your changing subjects
Her hands felt clammy.
AngelEyes51: no
AngelEyes51: I'm just being literal
TrackBoy6: stop it, sheesh
TrackBoy6: just tell me
Not if I can help it…
AngelEyes51: but why?
TrackBoy6: cause i think you are hiding
AngelEyes51: what can I say?
AngelEyes51: I do that often
TrackBoy6: oh well
TrackBoy6: i'm done
TrackBoy6: have some things to do for my parents
Hitomi closed her eyes in relief. She wouldn't last much longer, even on IM. How pitiful was that?
AngelEyes51: finished bashing your head against a brick wall?
TrackBoy6: nope
And with that somewhat ominous note, Amano signed off.
Hitomi took a shaky breath. Maybe… maybe he'd forget about it. Maybe he would just leave it be, like she had been doing.
But something was telling her that she was about to go through the fire…
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"Dilandau, what are you doing with that lighter?"
His wine colored eyes flickered to Yukari's briefly. "Tuning the head of the tambourine."
Hitomi rolled her eyes with a laugh. "Right."
Van stopped drumming for a moment. "It tightens the skin of the tambourine. You gotta do it every once in a while, because of the temperature changes."
Yukari smiled. "Whatever, guys."
"I didn't know you tuned tambourines," Hitomi mused.
"Surprise." Van resumed his snare practice studiously. The rhythm actually sounded vaguely familiar to Hitomi. She must've been spending too much time in the band room with Van.
A bell rang, and she glanced up at the clock. "Five minutes til class." She sighed. "I really don't want to go…"
Yukari shrugged. "Neither do I."
"Then don't."
She looked at Van with an upraised eyebrow. "Right, and how would I explain that?"
"Don't."
She rolled her eyes. "Thank you so much." Yukari swung her bag gracefully onto her back. "C'mon, Hitomi."
Mr. Hiraki came out of his office then, with an odd look on his face. "You guys know how the fruit truck was supposed to come at noon today?"
They all nodded.
"Well, it's here now. We have to start unloading. Can you guys miss your first class?"
Van grinned. "There's your excuse, Yukari."
The band sold fruit by the box to make funds to support the band program, since the county wasn't always the best contributor to the music departments. So every month, band and orchestra members had to miss a day to unload fruit… and it was, of course, a complete chore. Which was evident by Hitomi's smile…
"Alright, I'm on the fruit truck again. Van, you can help me, and Dilandau and Yukari can carry it to the back room."
"There's gonna be more people, you know. They were in the hallway," Van stated.
Hitomi shrugged. "They'll help carry it to the back room, too. We don't need a lot of people on the truck, it just gets crowded."
The gloomy day above them as they left the building wasn't very promising. "I really hope it doesn't rain," Yukari said.
"Just hope you're not the one sitting on the edge of the truck when more people come," Dilandau laughed. "That's the worst. That's why we make you girls do it."
"Jerk," Hitomi said, wrinkling her nose.
After they'd established positions, they had a good rhythm going where Van would reach the highest boxes of fruit that were piled in huge stacks and pass it to Hitomi, who would in turn hand it to Yukari who was sitting on the edge of the truck, who would hand it to whoever was waiting to carry the box or boxes to the back room. After a while Hitomi's fingers were beginning to chafe from the harsh cardboard that kept rubbing against them when she held the boxes by the handholds. But then, if she held it on her forearms, she'd get scratches there, so she couldn't really avoid minor injuries.
"C'mon, Van, hurry up," she said after passing a box to Yukari without having another at her back.
"Hold on, will ya? It's not like I'm that much taller than you," he grumbled, jumping up to grab a high box that was far back.
"You could always just keep taking boxes from the front, and go on back that way, so you don't have to reach over so many," she stated, grunting as a box was slammed into her chest.
"Oh, shut up," he muttered.
She smiled to herself, managing to stop the next box before it hit her. "You know, you don't have to throw it."
"I thought you wanted to do this fast."
"Well, not at the expense of my health." A thought popped into her head as she passed another box to Yukari. "Hey, let's try this. I'll move the boxes from the back to the front so you can reach them and pass them to Yukari. Let's try that."
He shrugged, which Hitomi took as clearance to try out the plan. She squeezed in between the wall and the stack of fruit boxes, reaching up to push the ones in the far back closer to the front. White plastic mesh surrounded the stack, too, and she ripped that away as well, momentarily getting tangled up in it.
"Having some troubles there?" Van said with a grin, reaching over to help her out.
She laughed self-deprecatingly. "Only a little." Squirming back into the open, she brushed the dirt off before passing boxes again.
Van reached for her waist, startling her for a moment until she realized he was just removing a piece of white mesh she had forgotten.
"Thanks."
He shrugged easily, almost tossing a box into her arms again with his familiar cocky grin. "No problem."
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Hitomi was in a pretty good mood that night. She didn't have any pressing homework due the next day, and therefore was able to chill for a while. She leaned back in the computer chair, clicking the 'I'm back' button on her away message.
Almost instantly, a screen popped up.
TrackBoy6: i have a question
She blinked in surprise.
TrackBoy6: well, a bunch of questions
AngelEyes51: Shoot
TrackBoy6: they're really personal
Her good mood instantly shattered. Somehow, she just knew what those questions were. It didn't take a genius to figure it out.
She bit her lip. She couldn't keep up a charade any longer, or it'd just hurt even worse when it finally broke. Hitomi could already feel the tears burning behind her eyes. Why did he have to press the issue? She knew it was hopeless! That's why she never told him!
AngelEyes51: I'll see what I can do to answer
TrackBoy6: mmk let's see
TrackBoy6: oh why not
TrackBoy6: do you like me?
She swallowed. Wow, he sure got to the point… But old habits die hard.
AngelEyes51: Why?
TrackBoy6: just answer, please
AngelEyes51: Why do you want to know?
TrackBoy6: well, you have those crazy away messages
She grimaced. Subtly definitely wasn't one of her strong points…
AngelEyes51: J so? I'm crazy
TrackBoy6: we all are
TrackBoy6: but you aren't crazy about me, right?
AngelEyes51: why would I be?
Still managing to evade… but by now, Hitomi was well aware that she was just stalling.
TrackBoy6: it's just
TrackBoy6: i hope you aren't
AngelEyes51: why not?
She closed her eyes momentarily, her throat tight.
TrackBoy6: i dunno. it's just you know, i feel like we are getting too close and i don't wanna hurt you
A tear broke through and slipped down her frozen cheek.
AngelEyes51: all I wanted was friendship
It was true… That's all she ever expected. She'd hoped, of course, like any foolish love-struck girl… But all along she'd known it would never happen, deep down inside. She never wanted him to know her futile hopes.
TrackBoy6: yeah, but it sounds like you want to be more than friends
Well, looks like she wouldn't have to affirm or deny anything outright. He'd figured it out himself.
AngelEyes51: foolish ramblings of a feminine heart
TrackBoy6: you sure?
She frowned, biting her lip hard. Will you freaking stop asking me questions?! You're tearing me apart here!
AngelEyes51: why wouldn't I be?
TrackBoy6: well to me it doesn't sound that way
She shook her head. How to answer that one? The truth, she supposed.
AngelEyes51: my heart's stronger than my head sometimes.
Which was as close to the truth as she would tell him.
TrackBoy6: hm… well I dunno which is stronger, but I know they both agree on the same thing… and it's not you
TrackBoy6: I don't like you any more than a friend
The tears were unleashed when she read that simple statement. Damn it, Amano, do you think I'm stupid? I've known that all along…And I just let myself get carried away.
AngelEyes51: yeah, I know
Will you just stop trying to convince me of what's been breaking my heart ever since I met you?
TrackBoy6: I'm trying to be real careful not to hurt you or be mean
She sighed harshly, feeling a sob in her chest.
AngelEyes51: I know that too
TrackBoy6: but all the time it seems like you try to get close
TrackBoy6: I'm just gonna keep on pushing you away
TrackBoy6: I mean, you are a great friend
TrackBoy6: but I really care deeply for someone else
She wanted to scream. You don't think I know that?! Everyone knows that! She rubbed the hot tears from her cheeks. Thanks for the newsflash.
AngelEyes51: I know that
Will he just get the gist that she's already figured out it's hopeless and let it lie? Why did he have to push the issue? Why does it matter so much to talk about it?
TrackBoy6: you always make it seem like the things I do lead you on no matter what
AngelEyes51: it's not your fault
It was all hers. She knew it… she knew that it was her fault she was hurting. But how do you keep yourself from falling for someone? It's impossible.
TrackBoy6: but I feel like it is
AngelEyes51: trust me, it's not
There was a pause online, and Hitomi hiccupped. This hurt like hell. Partly because he was just digging it deeper that she had no hope; partly because she really didn't want him to ever know about that part of her, and now it was ripped out and totally exposed.
TrackBoy6: then what am I to do?
AngelEyes51: I don't think there's really anything you can do
After all, it wasn't his fault that she fell for him… it was hers.
TrackBoy6: well, what are you gonna do?
She shrugged to herself, smiling bitterly as she typed.
AngelEyes51: do what I always do, I guess
TrackBoy6: that being?
AngelEyes51: deal with it
AngelEyes51: it's not a new experience for me
She sniffed. The truth of it was even more depressing. But at least she'd been long prepared in life to withstand unrequited love. It's what happened every single freaking time…
But for him to feel guilty… that she would not want. She knew it wasn't his fault at all.
AngelEyes51: just remember, Amano, that none of this is your fault, and you have no reason to blame yourself. I'll be fine.
TrackBoy6: I've said that plenty of times, but I know it's not true
She rolled her tearful eyes at his statement. As much as she liked him, it's not as if she were breaking up with a boyfriend of several years. She knew, eventually, she'd be fine. It's not like he'd ever loved her back, anyway…
AngelEyes51: it will be. After all, time heals all wounds, right?
Hitomi abruptly stood and walked briskly towards the bathroom, hoping no one would see her along the way. She splashed icy water on her face and tried to breathe without her lip quivering. Why did it hurt so bad, if she had known it was this way all along?
She returned to the computer, only to find that Amano had suddenly had to go somewhere, and signed off. Plopping into the chair, she set up a vague away message so that she could be left alone.
She brought her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead on them.
And cried her eyes out.
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It was about a week after the dreaded conversation. Hitomi still would sometimes lapse into moods of melancholy, but since what Amano had told her was really nothing knew, it wasn't that difficult to get back into the swing of things. It was the fact that now he knew about her feelings that bugged her most.
But music more than took care of her pains. Immersing herself into a wickedly hard piece, she amazingly learned it within the week after 'the conversation', wryly thanking Amano in her mind for provoking her sudden surge of dedication. Without him breaking me down, I never would have learned this song so quickly.
Trittico continued to be a source of great enjoyment for her, being a great piece to play and listen to, even when she wasn't the one getting the awesome melody lines.
The other pieces were alright… nothing special, but nothing hateful.
Everyone around her hadn't changed one bit… and no one asked her why she had been so quite for a few days. That was what kept her from totally breaking down in public.
Which is something I absolutely will not do.
It was lunch, so those who were in the band room were in their little groups, conversing about… whatever. Hitomi was wondering whether she should practice or not, when her preoccupied mind noticed the sound of a marimba coming from the instrument back room. She poked her head in to find Van with headphones on, beating out a vaguely recognizable tune on the marimba.
"What song is that?"
He didn't hear her at all, so she walked further into the room to catch his visual attention.
He glanced up at her, maroon eyes startled. "What?" he asked, pulling down the headphones.
"What song was that?"
"I can't remember the name… that surfing song. My drum corps played it last year. I got the CD."
"Really?" Hitomi asked.
"Yeah, you wanna listen to it?"
She grinned. Something about Van always made her smile, and she couldn't quite figure it out. Maybe it was his goofy grin that always spread to hers. "Sure."
He walked over to her, keeping one of his headphones over his ear, and holding out the other so that she could hear it. She ended up having to practically lean into him, ear right next to his, to hear the music. He turned it up – He's probably going deaf in his other ear. – so that she could hear it a little better. Hitomi listened to the music with slightly skewed interest. For some reason, her nose was registered very emphatically that Van smelled good… very good. Her gut felt somewhat strange. Why in the world was she thinking of this?
His breath brushed her ear. "You like it?"
"Yeah. Sounds cool." She pulled back, slightly disturbed by whatever insanity had just decided to live within her brain. "What'd you play?"
"Timpani."
She frowned. "Then why were you just playing the marimba part?"
"The timpani part got boring. I learned this too."
"Ah." She nodded. "I see." Well, at least now I don't feel like as much of a music dork.
He grinned, settling the headphones back on his ears and picking up his mallets. She stuck around and just listened to him play, finding it soothing. Somehow, whenever Van played mallets, it was soothing. How did that work, when he was so abrasive otherwise?
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I know it's been forever and a day… so I don't remember who reviewed last, so forgive me much, but I thank you all for your encouraging comments!
This chapter was really hard to write… for personal reasons… sooo… that might be part of the reason why it's so late in coming.
'Course, there's also school… music… practicing… etc. So I'm surprised I found time to finally finish this.
Actually, there's probably something I should've been doing instead. But oh well.
I don't know whether I'll be able to continue this story or not, it really depends on a great many things… but I will admit, I can't get rid of the idea that I really wanted to make something unique and different. And I love using music words for chapters too…
So we'll see.
Til I write next-
-wink