The "Owner's Guide" series is copyrighted to the extremely talented Theresa Green, and it is with her permission that this has been written and posted.
Thank you for purchasing a CHIHIRO model! To ensure maximum performance and output from your innocent 10-year old, please follow the instructions as outlined in this manual.
Name: Chihiro
AKA: Sen, Spoilt Little Brat With No Manners, Dope, A Bad Germ From The Outside (depending on the addresser)
Manufacturers: Miyazaki Enterprises Inc., Ogino Division, Japan
Height: 135 cm
Weight: 30kg
Power output: Very low
Stamina: Extraordinary
Warning: Ignoring of instructions may result in physical or mental damage to your CHIHIRO, temper tantrums, loud bawling and prolonged sulking.
Your CHIHIRO comes with the following accessories:
a) Goodbye card with her name on it
b) Wilting bouquet
c) Purple glinting hair tie
d) Striped green shirt and shorts
e) Shoes and socks
f) Apron
g) Red pants
h) Red shirt that's way too big
i) Another red shirt that's still way too big
j) Yet another red shirt that's still way too big
k) Red shirt that's just right
l) Grey medicine ball
m) One dead rose
n) A tiny pink shoe
The CHIHIRO model will be very attached to items a), b), c), m) and n). Do not under any circumstances try to throw them away. They have high sentimental value to your unit and attempts to dispose of them will usually result in a very distressed CHIHIRO along with crying and sulking.
Make sure that your CHIHIRO holds on to items d) and e), hiding them if necessary. If your CHIHIRO is ever lost in a BATHHOUSE OF THE SPIRITS playset, she will need those to get home.
SETTING UP
Your CHIHIRO will be delivered to you in a large metallic-blue container with four wheel drive.
When it arrives at your home, open one of the lids positioned on the side of the crate. You will find your CHIHIRO lying face-up on a padded cushion chair, surrounded by junk-food packets which will probably be empty, and holding accessory b). Do not be concerned if she screams and shoves it in your face - just reassure her that you'll put it in some water.
Your CHIHIRO is designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Please state your instructions in English or Japanese.
Note: There is a well-known glitch in the programming of CHIHIROs that causes them to respond to any relocation with apathy, tongue sticking, sulking, and assurance that the new location will be stink. To counter this effect, do not attempt to tell your CHIHIRO that it's fun to move to a new place as this will only worsen the symptoms - instead, send her on a life-changing adventure, preferably one that involves a few days in the BATHHOUSE OF THE SPIRITS playset, and she'll soon be able to handle it.
USES
Not only is your CHIHIRO a prime example of childhood naivete and sweetness, she has 101 uses around the home and garden, including but not limited to:
Cleaner
Though she may be reluctant to work at first, the CHIHIRO unit will, with experience, become proficient in general household cleaning duties from mopping and scrubbing floors to herbal-soaking big bathtubs used only for the filthiest guests. Your CHIHIRO's output in this area will increase greatly if a YUBABA unit is nearby to remind her that if she doesn't work she'll be turned into coal, and/or a LIN unit instructs her in the procedures.
If low performance output continues, ask your CHIHIRO if she's ever worked a day in her life in a slightly derogatory manner.
Warning: Caution is to be exercised in using CHIHIRO in cleaning duties on nights of heavy rain for fear that she will unwittingly let any drenched NO-FACE units into your home. If this happens, make sure you keep any FROG and SLUG WOMAN units away from the monster and instantly contact the nearest ZENIBA unit.
Stoker
Your CHIHIRO, when used in conjunction with SOOTBALL units, will keep any fireplace/coal stove/furnace/coal-burning hot water heater well fed and fired up. Just be sure to instruct CHIHIRO not to relieve the burdens of coal-crushed SOOTBALLs. This may seem brutal at first but must be done, or all the other SOOTBALLs will soon follow suit and leave your CHIHIRO with an extremely unfair workload. If this happens, send a KAMAJI unit to threaten to turn them back into soot.
Mediator
If you or any of your family or friends are in trouble, especially when it involves acts of burglary and/or they are in danger of losing their lives if the conflict is not resolved, send your CHIHIRO to return the stolen item and plead for forgiveness for the offending party. In such a case, CHIHIRO will run the Strong Compassion and Naive Childish Kindness programs together - which is sure to pacify even the most furious people and dangerous witches and move them to forgive your kin or friends immediately - on the condition that the offender takes good care of CHIHIRO. Distance and inconvenience are irrelevant in this matter as CHIHIROs are insistent on helping anyone close to them at any cost, even if it means walking the distance of six railway stations on flooded tracks home.
Note: In the instance that your CHIHIRO ever is stuck six railway stations or further away on such an errand, send a HAKU unit in White Dragon mode to provide her with a mode of transport much more desirable (and quick) than long-distance walking.
Healer
Despite her apparent youth, the CHIHIRO model is unexpectedly gifted in the care of injuries, pain from overeating and curses that can only be broken by love - especially when equipped with her Grey Medicine Ball accessory. With some training, productivity in this activity will likely increase due to her caring nature.
COMPATIBILITY
The CHIHIRO model is compatible with most humans, gods, and spirits. However, care should be exercised in using your CHIHIRO with certain models. Left unsupervised, the following units may interact with CHIHIRO in the following undesirable ways:
YUBABA: Degrading insults to the CHIHIRO model and family, threats of ruminant transmogrification, lifetime indentured contracts into the most difficult job she's got until CHIHIRO breathes her very last breath, and theft of identity
BOH: Insulting accusations of being a pathogen, threats to break arms, and loud crying which invokes the wrath of YUBABA units toward CHIHIRO (Note: These do not apply in Under Mischievous Spell mode)
NO-FACE: Presents of pinched bath tokens, offers of counterfeit gold, threats of swallowing whole, terrifying chases causing widespread panic and vomit spraying
The manufacturers take no responsibility for any injury, emotional stress, or spew on the floor resulting from irresponsible use of the above units in conjunction with your CHIHIRO.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Q: My CHIHIRO looks amnesiac and insists that her name is "Sen". I had to pull out the Goodbye Card accessory to remind her of her real name, but she still keeps forgetting it when not reminded every few days.
A: Never let your CHIHIRO and YUBABA units play unsupervised again! Your YUBABA, in your absence, has run the Identity Theft program while interacting with CHIHIRO. The only solution is to demand that YUBABA tear up "Sen" 's contract in exchange for the safe return of a BOH unit, preferably one that has been left in the care of a ZENIBA.
Q: My CHIHIRO doesn't do any of the chores I've asked her to do and instead lies on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate all day.
A: This is due to the "Spoilt Little Kid Bug" in CHIHIRO's programming. The only way to override this is to continue treating CHIHIRO with kindness and comforting her, preferably with riceballs containing a strengthening spell (sold at all good supermarkets near you). In only a little amount of time she will warm to you and will willingly do almost anything to make you happy, even if it means risking her own life.
Q: My CHIHIRO wears wolf fur and rattling shell earrings, constantly proclaims that she hates all humans, and sometimes sneaks out at night to try murdering the iron and steel company's CEO.
A: You have accidentally been issued with a SAN (AKA Princess Mononoke) unit. If you do not care for feral teenagers with identity crises, you may return her to the manufacturers for an exchange or refund.
Q: I took my CHIHIRO to an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant, but she refuses to touch any of the delicious food and insists that we leave, or we'll get in trouble.
A: Your CHIHIRO is suffering from a bug known as "Negative Memory Playback". Debug by reassuring her that you are still in the human world, and that the food won't turn her - or you - into a pig. If she is still distressed, pay for the meal before her eyes and leave the restaurant before dark.
Q: My CHIHIRO hangs around with a tiny little bird and a fat mouse. The landlord's policy is NO PETS. What can I do?
A: The bird and mouse are actually the BOH and YU-BIRD units in their Under Mischievous Spell mode. With CHIHIRO's natural likableness, there's a very small chance of you ever being able to get rid of them on your own. Give them to a friend's YUBABA unit and explain to them that the spell wore off a long time ago - they can change back if they want.
Q: My CHIHIRO is nothing like the picture on the catalogue - She looks much younger than advertised and has black hair and brown skin. She is always playing Elvis songs on my stereo and feeding peanut butter sandwiches to the goldfish, and now she's bugging me to go surfing! What's going on?
A: You have accidentally been issued with a LILO unit, copyright of Walt Disney. Stop complaining!
FINAL NOTE
With her youth and vitality, your CHIHIRO is bound to give you and your family many years of satisfying service. CHIHIRO is under warranty for as many years as your local fan fiction author programs her, anywhere from one to infinity years. Beware the "cowboys" of the fanfic author world who will warranty your CHIHIRO unit forever...but with her disappearing into the spirit world and never returning in the process.