They parked the van in a back lane, shrouded in trees. It seemed very likely that lemmings would find them, as they were not stopped by roads signs, but less likely that people rambling on about private property and such would appear out of nowhere, in the middle of the night, with pitchforks. Or maybe not pitchforks, but Dobermans. Something unpleasant.
"I'd rather be woken by a scary farmer with a rottweiler, than a lemming," Xander said.
"When have I failed to save you from lemmings?" Oz asked calmly.
"Well…I suppose that's true," Xander said. "But you can reason with farmers."
"No you can't."
"Maybe."
"No."
"Give it time."
"Never."
"But farmers have brains!"
"So do lemmings."
"Farmers are capable of speech!" Xander declared.
"So are lemmings!" Oz shouted.
"Coherent speech."
"Why are you so pro-farmer anyway?" Oz asked.
"They're better than lemmings anyway. I'm hungry," Xander added.
"Me too. But we're stuck in nowhere."
"We could drive some more."
"I'm tired," Oz said, in what was, almost, surprisingly, a whine.
"Me too," said Xander. "But we'll be hungrier and crankier in the morning."
"You could drive," Oz suggested.
"Mm," Xander said. Thing was, Xander was afraid of driving. Which may have seemed a bit ridiculous, but there you go, he was. Possibly he had had a traumatic experience in his children. He couldn't remember, and, unfortunately, he couldn't find his character bio anywhere. Probably lost it under the couch in a film studio in another dimension.
"Why not?" Oz asked.
"I'd prefer not to say," Xander replied quietly.
"Why not?" Oz said again.
"Cos?"
"Cos."
"Why? I'm tired."
"Fine then. I'm scared," Xander admitted. "I'll hit something and die."
"Here is Smallville?" Oz said. "You'd only hit a sheep. And then the sheep'd die, but you'd be fine."
"I see your point," Xander agreed. "Let's rock and roll."
Xander tentatively took the wheel. It was still warm from Oz's grasp. He calmly tried to remember everything he'd ever learnt in school, and then tried to reverse out, uncalmly and desperately trying to remember how to reverse.
Suddenly they saw, in the middle of the road, a long line of lemmings sitting calmly and squeaking eagerly. Something about suicide. Xander wondered randomly why creatures that were so obsessed with dying so desperately wanted to kill him.
"Run 'em over, Xand," Oz said, supportively squeezing his arm, and thinking about grabbing the wheel.
But then there was a ping- ping -ping as bullets rained against the glass. They didn't break the window. Lemmings are very small, and were only equipped with miniscule pistols. But still, it was unnerving.
"Keep going…keep going…" Oz calmly cajoled.
Xander kept driving. There was a sudden series of little bumps under the car and a ping-ing as the bullets hit the bottom, and then the lemmings had turned into lemon curd.
"Wahoo!" Oz yelled, encouraging and completely out of character. He kissed Xander on the cheek, and Xander screeched to a sudden halt, and turned and kissed Oz firmly on the lips. Oz opened his mouth, and Xander worked his tongue in, and Xander pulled him closer to him, and their mouths opened wider, and Xander felt hornier and hornier, and then his elbow hit the car horn and the sound brought him out of his snog-fest.
"C'mon. Food," Oz said.
"There are other things I'm more interested in eating," Xander said, suggestively raising his eyebrows. Oz burst out laughing. Well. It did sound pretty funny coming from Xander.
"Yep, you do that," Oz spluttered vaguely, "drive, man."
Eventually they found a village-type place, which seemed to consist of a hardware shop, and a hardware-groceries combo. Both, of course, were closed.
"Dammit!" Xander yelped.
"I think this calls for a little casual breaking and entering," Oz said, getting out of the car.
"But… but…" Xander said in amazement.
'But' indeed. Oz was hungry, and he and his band had done some vague and not particularly harmful breaking and entering in their time. Oz calmly broke in, (there amazingly wasn't even an alarm), and brought back bread, cheese, ham, apples, and mountains of chocolate to the shocked and quivering Xander who was trying to impress Oz by looking like he joined in on this sort of thing everyday. It wasn't working. They dumped the food in the back of the car and squealed of into the distance, leaving the shop open, and ready to be pillaged some more by hungry angry lemmings.
A/n: Well, that was utterly random rubbish. If you want more like it, review me!