Getting the Bird
The room Spock stepped into was a mess. It looked as though a bomb had hit. Given the confrontation the Enterprise was now limping away from, this wasn't far from the truth.
"Miss Chapel, damage report."
"Spock!" Chapel looked up in relief from a mess of unidentifiable ceramic pieces scattered all over her floor. "I need a chat..."
"Yes, Miss Chapel, that is why I am here," Spock interrupted, his datapad poised to take down her details.
"Well yes, if you'll give me a moment to finish. As I said, I need a chat and I've got this problem with my prion..."
Spock perked up in interest. "Your research has been damaged?"
"Like hell it has!" she snapped in frustration. "Just look at the state of this room! I need a new manakin and stilts, my ruff and rollers have been destroyed and my bunting is a write-off..."
The Vulcan gazed at her as she ranted, mentally calculating the size of the room and the fact he could see no clothing dolly or antique flag material anywhere in the room. He studied her wavy hair thoughtfully. Until she had mentioned the rollers, he had thought the curl was natural. His attention returned to the nurse as she continued.
"... I've lost my red head and I'll need to get a new violet ear. My thick knee is broken, and I'm going to have to acquire a second blue foot. Although I might just give up on them and go for the yellow legs instead." She looked up sharply. "What do you think?"
Spock couldn't think. He was too busy trying to assimilate the illogic of this conversation. Blue feet, violet ears and yellow legs? He was just considering suggesting she accompany him to Sickbay to investigate possible concussion when her next words almost floored him.
"And then there's my tits."
He couldn't speak for a moment. "Excuse me, Miss Chapel, could you repeat your last statement?"
"My tits, Spock. They're all bent out of shape. I'm going to need replacements. Uhura suggested I get some black ones like hers, but I prefer blue. They go with my eyes. Put me down for two replacement blue tits."
Spock didn't move a muscle but Chapel didn't seem to notice as she continued blithely on into personal areas he didn't wish to know about. "And there's my thrush, of course."
"Your... thrush?" He shouldn't have asked, he knew that but he couldn't help himself.
"Yes, the state of it is causing me a great deal of pain and I've got nothing that can fix it."
"Perhaps Doctor McCoy...?" The Vulcan suggested desperately.
"Don't be ridiculous, Spock. If Doctor McCoy had anything that could help I wouldn't be talking to you, would I?" she pointed out impatiently. "Now, I also need a new fairy and wood nymph and any spare bishops and rooks would be gratefully appreciated."
She trailed off as Spock's eyes searched the room desperately for sign of a chessboard, something sane, something logical for him to cling to like a lifeline in this crazy situation. But there wasn't one to be found.
"And Spock..." she waited for his gaze to return to her. "If you've got the time, I could also do with a good shag."
Discipline lost, Spock fled.
Bird Species referenced (in order of appearance):
Hobby (Falco subbuteo), Chat (G. Cercomela), Prion (G. Pachyptila), Manakin (G. Pipra), Stilt (G. Himantopus), Ruff (Philomachus pugnax), Roller (G. Coracias), Bunting (G. Emberiza), Redhead (G. Aythya), Violet-ear (G. Colibri), Thick-knee (G. Burhinus), Blue-Footed Booby (Sula nebouxii), Yellowlegs (G. Tringa), Black Tit (Melaniparus niger), Blue Tit (Cyanistes caeruleus), Thrush (G.Turdus), Fairy (G. Heliothryz), Woodnymph (G. Augasma), Bishop (G. Euplectes), Rook (Corvus frugilegus), Shag (G. Phalacrocorax),