Chapter 20: Best In Show For The Utility Group: Lucius Malfoy
(A/N 1: Made possible by Crufts!)
"Many happy returns, Severus!" said Lucius, as he handed Snape an enormous package wrapped tastefully in green paper decorated with writhing silver snakes. He looked at Snape with such an utterly smug expression on his face, and such an eerily familiar twinkle in his eyes, that Snape immediately suspected something. His eyes narrowed, and he very, very carefully tore the paper from the box, and then took a step back and opened the box with a short flick of his wand. He was surprised to see two house elves' faces appear above the walls of the box. One had an undeniably rabid, horny look in his crazed eyes, the eyes of the second were glazed and it had strange white smears on its face.
"What on earth are those?" Snape said, backing away.
"House elves, of course!" said Lucius, his eyebrows raised in amusement. "From the same litter as mine. Wonderful family tree, you know, fantastically bred. If I were you, I'd consider showing them. Though they probably do need a bit of training."
The box started to wobble as the first house elf assaulted it, and on the side of the other, the cardboard seemed to have become rather soggy.
"Yes. Quite." Snape said warily, still backing away. "So, what are they called?"
Lucius picked the first one up by its neck. It wiggled and tried to assault his arm. "This one is called Ch Am Humpty Dumpty....." he let it down again.. "....and this one...." He stuck the head of his cane under the collar of whatever rag it was wearing and lifted it into the air, "....is Am Ch All that Jizz...." He set the house elf down, looking faintly disgusted, and polished the head of his cane with his handkerchief for a few moments before continuing. "So, in day to day usage you may call them Humpy.... and Jizzy."
(A/N: Ah! There you are. Now come here so our judges can give you a thorough fondle and decide whether you, my gentle reader, are good enough to enter the next competition, which will be coming soon to a fanfiction site near you (this one, for the mentally challenged among you); you guessed it, The Prestigious And Continued Antics Of Lucius Malfoy! The long awaited third episode of this world renowned saga of life, violence, and house elves with ridiculous names! Yes, more Richard, more oddity, a report of what all those house elves are up to, and more stupidity from our protagonist with the honey-coloured hair. Put away those hankies, gentle readers, for 'tis but a brief goodbye! Sincerely, The Duchess.)
"Many happy returns, Severus!" said Lucius, as he handed Snape an enormous package wrapped tastefully in green paper decorated with writhing silver snakes. He looked at Snape with such an utterly smug expression on his face, and such an eerily familiar twinkle in his eyes, that Snape immediately suspected something. His eyes narrowed, and he very, very carefully tore the paper from the box, and then took a step back and opened the box with a short flick of his wand. He was surprised to see two house elves' faces appear above the walls of the box. One had an undeniably rabid, horny look in his crazed eyes, the eyes of the second were glazed and it had strange white smears on its face.
"What on earth are those?" Snape said, backing away.
"House elves, of course!" said Lucius, his eyebrows raised in amusement. "From the same litter as mine. Wonderful family tree, you know, fantastically bred. If I were you, I'd consider showing them. Though they probably do need a bit of training."
The box started to wobble as the first house elf assaulted it, and on the side of the other, the cardboard seemed to have become rather soggy.
"Yes. Quite." Snape said warily, still backing away. "So, what are they called?"
Lucius picked the first one up by its neck. It wiggled and tried to assault his arm. "This one is called Ch Am Humpty Dumpty....." he let it down again.. "....and this one...." He stuck the head of his cane under the collar of whatever rag it was wearing and lifted it into the air, "....is Am Ch All that Jizz...." He set the house elf down, looking faintly disgusted, and polished the head of his cane with his handkerchief for a few moments before continuing. "So, in day to day usage you may call them Humpy.... and Jizzy."
(A/N: Ah! There you are. Now come here so our judges can give you a thorough fondle and decide whether you, my gentle reader, are good enough to enter the next competition, which will be coming soon to a fanfiction site near you (this one, for the mentally challenged among you); you guessed it, The Prestigious And Continued Antics Of Lucius Malfoy! The long awaited third episode of this world renowned saga of life, violence, and house elves with ridiculous names! Yes, more Richard, more oddity, a report of what all those house elves are up to, and more stupidity from our protagonist with the honey-coloured hair. Put away those hankies, gentle readers, for 'tis but a brief goodbye! Sincerely, The Duchess.)