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"I'm scared as hell" he had said…

We stood by the open door, frozen in each other's arms, unable to go forward and unwilling to pull back, now that we had come this far. 

He cleared his throat.

"Sara, I'm… I'm not…" he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find the right words.  "What I mean is that I… I have not been with anyone… I haven't done this in a long time"

"Oh.  It's ok. Really, Grissom.  It's nice, actually." I smiled reassuringly until I remembered something "You… you and Lady Heather didn't?…"

"No" he admitted. "We just…" he suddenly realized what I'd asked and he pulled back a little "How did you know about her?"

"Nick told me"

"Oh. I'll kill Nick one of these days" He muttered. Then he looked at me "Sara, we didn't-  we did not" he said firmly and then released me from his embrace, but only to close the door.  He took my hand and looked at it, for a moment.  Then he smiled "Sara, do you know what our problem is?"

"Well-"

He smiled "We think too much." and he gently led me to his bedroom.

But once we were there we let our insecurities take a hold of ourselves again. I mean, he thinks I'm beautiful but I know better; I just couldn't bring myself to undress in front of him.  He was feeling the same and in the end we had to turn our backs to each other to make it easier. But my hands were shaking and I couldn't even unbutton my shirt, while he kept muttering something about a zipper.  Impatiently, I tried to take off my shirt without unbuttoning it and I ended up stuck in it, my arms twisted like a pretzel. 

"Here," he said softly "Let me help you" and I felt his hands working deftly to release me and I suddenly remembered those fingers doing their spider walk on me…

"Please, hurry" I whispered.  He nodded, unbuttoning quickly.  I turned my attention on him and his stuck zipper.  We hurried with the rest of our clothes and got under the covers, naked and vulnerable.

"I want this to be good for you" He offered "I want-"

I hurried to kiss him because I couldn't bear not to be close to him now.   His body felt solid in my arms and I was about to slid a hand down… when he pulled back.

"Sara, I think-"

"Let's not think!" I pleaded, trying to go back to kissing.

"No, wait; I don't… I don't have any condoms here-"

"Oh.  Oh, I have one in my pocket" I said helpfully, and without leaving the bed I reached for my pants and searched in every pocket until I found a couple.  When I gave  him the condoms I saw that he was barely containing his laughter.

"What!" I muttered, blushing "I was just… hopeful-"

"Thank you, Sara" he said, putting them under his pillow.  He then moved until we were in each other's arms.

"I love your freckles" he said, softly nuzzling my cheek.  "I've always wondered if there are more of them…"

"Oh, they are everywhere" I said, a little embarrassed because I have them on my breasts and my legs and I hate them "I think I even have some on my knees-"

"Good.  I want to kiss them…" he whispered, kissing the ones on my chin "Each one… every one…"  and he did just that.

**

There was a murmur coming from far away…"S'ra…move…'ease"

Someone answered with a sleepy "Mmmh" Oh, that was me.

"S'ra… 'ease… move….'ittle" 

I was lying on top of him, and I couldn't move, not even a little.

I vaguely felt him move me until I was off him; I felt him leave the bed and heard him mutter  "…can't… tie this…" and then "Sh-… it's spilling!". 

I felt him get back into bed and put his arms around me.  And then we simply passed out.

**

I woke up a while later and at first I thought it had all been a dream, until I felt his arms all around me.

"Grissom?" I whispered. 

"Hum?"

"We will work together again now, won't we?"

"Yes, Sara"  he answered, his breath warm on my neck. 

"Good"

He sighed.  "I wish… I wish I had known-" he said, pulling me closer "I wish I had not been so afraid all these years"

"It's ok."

"I wanted you, it's just-" 

"Oh, Grissom, it's ok." I caressed his arm. "But I am sorry I fought with you.  I was angry-"

"It's ok.  I was angry, too."  He kissed my shoulder "Let's forget that"

**

All this happened some hours ago and I've just woke up and remembered –again- that it wasn't a dream; that every word, every clumsy moment and every heavenly minute was real…

I glance around his room, and notice for the first time that he has very few pieces of furniture here.  And no TV.  The walls are a pleasant pale green and the windows are wide and they let plenty of sunlight filter through the blinds. I like his room.  It's peaceful.

He isn't in bed with me this time, so I get up, feeling a little stiff.

I wrap myself in one of his sheets and stumble to the bathroom.  I peer in the mirror.  Well, well; I look happy. And very, very smug.  I wonder if his expression mirrors mine? 

I  wash up in a hurry and go in search of my beloved entomologist, hoping he's making lunch, or calling for some take out. 

He's not in the living room. I look around and realize that there's a faint noise coming from an open door in the hallway.  I go back and I cautiously enter a windowless room that he apparently uses as an office. The only light in this room comes from the computer screen and it gives him a ghostly look. 

He's sitting behind a huge desk and right now he's frowning.  I'm frowning too.

"Grissom?"

"Hum?" His eyebrows move but otherwise his attention is on the screen.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting information-"

"On what?"

"Something Dr. Kyle said-" he moves the mouse and clicks

"What?"

"I think I might nail him for other murders"

Right now I couldn't care any less about Dr. Kyle.  I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't.  

"And…" I clear my throat "Couldn't… couldn't you do this later?"

"No"

"But, Grissom-"

"I think I'm onto something…" He explains, his eyes fixed on the screen.

"Grissom"  My voice has a warning implied and he looks up at last.  We stare at each other for a moment.  We don't need to say anything; he knows that I'm disappointed. 

There's sadness in his eyes.  And something else… resignation. 

He's about to say something when there's a beep from his computer.  For a moment he's visibly fighting the impulse to look at the screen, but he can't help it; he needs to see the information he downloaded; he needs to know if he's right.

I wonder what I can say.  There is nothing, really. 

'What did you expect?' I ask myself.  'Did you think he would change?'

I feel cold all of a sudden and I realize that I'm standing half naked in his office, probably looking pathetic.  I turn my back on him and leave him to his work.

I think I'll get dressed, and… maybe tidy up his bed, anything to give us a little time.  If he's still working when I finish, though…

I'm picking up my clothes, trying not to give in to sadness, but it's hard.  I sit on the bed for a moment, trying to decide what to do.

I can't help remembering; the fight, our first kiss-

And the look of amazement on his face when he was finally in me.

And how he closed his eyes,  whispering "remember, remember" like a mantra, as if this was a dream.  I wanted to reassure him that it wasn't, so I gently rolled us until I was on top of him.  I slowly sat for just a moment so he could see himself in me.  And when we looked at each other…I shiver when I remember how we lost control then; how we just couldn't have enough of each other.  I'll hold on to that memory; the feel of his body, and the feel of his hands, and his fingers, tender and loving-

Oh, God, I'm trapped.  And I promised him, didn't I?  "It won't be over…I'd still be here."  And I want to be here, but I don't want to be on my own and only have him when there is no case to occupy his mind.

So life isn't so simple, is it?  He knew that better than me.  "Remember…remember…" he had whispered as if he knew that it might not happen again; that some day I would want more that he can give.  And all I wanted was a little attention- 

And he can't give it.  He's just being honest, isn't he? He can't pretend that I'm more important right now. He won't betray himself or lie to me by playing a role that he can't live up to in the long run.  His work will always be more important than anything else and I should be the least surprised.

And then something comes to my mind.  What if it were my case?  Wouldn't I leave his bed too, and try to find out if I could trap a murderer?  I think I would.  And he would help me. 

"I'd be risking more than you can imagine" he had said.  And now I think I understand what he meant.  He has been Gil Grissom, the Investigator, for most of his life and that's how he defines himself.  He can't risk that for Gil Grissom, The Man in Love, who is just too new to be more important than the other.

He might never be.

But Grissom loves me, and I can share his two worlds, can't I?  I am his equal in both.

I had forgotten that when I let Sara in Love take over Sara the Investigator.

I smile.  It all seems so clear now!  I want to run back to his office but I contain myself.  I calmly walk back and stand in the middle of the room again

"Hey." I greet him "Do you need any help?"

He looks up and smiles softly.  Hope really transforms this man's face!

"Yes, Sara" he says quietly, pulling a chair for me.  

I sit by his side and I gape.

"Grissom, for God's sake, you're still naked"

"Hum?  Oh." He looks down, noticing it for the first time

"Aren't you cold?" I ask, using half of my sheet to cover his shoulders

"Yeah, a little."  He admits "Thank you," he adds, pressing a kiss on my cheek before returning to look at the screen.  I notice that there is an open bottle of Tylenol among his papers.

"Did you take Tylenol?" 

"I'm not used to wrestle on the floor, you know." He says, trying to sound severe "I had to take two; otherwise I'll feel like hell later on"

"Really? " I smile  "Well, me, I still feel like heaven"

"Oh" he rolls his eyes "Oh, please" he says modestly, but he is flattered.

I take a pill just in case, and listen as he explains what he has done so far.  I suggest a site and he lets me search it for him. 

Time flies.  He's optimistic about all the information he's gathered and I'm optimistic about us. I watch him as he reads the list of sites we visited.  I reach out to caress his neck, and I like the fact that he leans into my touch.  I gently massage his back, up and down until I playfully take a little advantage of the situation… 

He jumps and I chuckle.

"Grissom,"  I lean forward to whisper in his ear "You have a nice butt"

He reddens but keeps reading. 

Later, he saves all the files and prints them while I label some folders.

We are finished.  We look at our work and smile at each other.  He presses his forehead against mine and then we kiss…

Oh, yes.  We have the best of both worlds.

THE END