Disclaimer: Well, let's put it this way...I own nothing. That includes
LOTR.
A/n: This story actually has a plot, unlike the crazy random nonsensical stuff I usually write. That does not, however, mean it story should be taken seriously. It's kind of AU, but then, so is everything I write. And I know elves don't actually have heart attacks. They don't have pencils either. So there.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Thranduil threw his coffee mug through the window and began banging his head on the desk.
"Um, Dad?" said Legolas. "I think you should calm down. You don't want to have another heart attack, do you?"
"Those dwarves would give ANYBODY heart attacks! They're filing ANOTHER lawsuit! What is this, the SIXTEENTH time?!"
"No sir! It's only the eleventh!" chirped Thranduil's secretary.
Thranduil growled and bit his pencil in half. "They were TRESSPASSING! Of course I arrested them! I was NOT BEING RASCIST AGAINST DWARVES!"
"No one said you were," said Legolas soothingly.
"And it's not like I MISTREATED them!" said Thranduil, continuing his tirade. "I locked them in nice, DRY cells! They got THREE NUTRITIONALLY BALANCED MEALS A DAY! I offered to let them GO if they would tell me WHAT THE HELL THEY WERE DOING IN MIRKWOOD! But NO! They were all, 'I have the fucking right to remain silent dude so fuck off!' And THEN what did they do? THEY JACKED MY WINE BARRELS! I should be suing THEM, the assholes!"
"Yes, yes, of course" said Legolas quickly. "But I really don't think you should be getting so worked up about this..."
"...AND, they used an ILLEGAL hobbit with an UNREGISTERED MAGIC RING to escape! But is anyone calling them on it? NOOOOOOOO! Just because they went and harassed a fucking dragon and stole its treasure is NO EXCUSE for them to get special treatment!"
"Actually," said the secretary, pulling out a law book almost as big a she was, "it says here that it's not illegal for a group of dwarves to travel with a hobbit unless said hobbit is smuggling LSD and/or is a member of 'Weight Watchers.'"
"SHUT UP!" bellowed Thranduil. "And that still doesn't explain what a hobbit was DOING with one of the RINGS OF POWER! There is NOTHING in that "One Ring to Rule them All" poem thing about HOBBITS! Therefore, the little shit must have STOLEN it like he stole my WINE BARRELS!"
"Dad," said Legolas desperately, "I don't think it's worth it to have an aneurism over a few wine barrels. I mean, they didn't even have any wine in them..."
"WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE WINE BARRELS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAWSUIT!"
"But sir--" said the secretary.
"YOU'RE FIRED!" shouted Thranduil.
The secretary turned green and mumbled something about union regulations.
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU'RE FUCKING UNION! NOW LEAVE BEFORE I START SMASHING THINGS!"
The secretary scowled and slunk out of the office.
"This is all that STUPID wizard Gandalf's fault. If he hadn't decided to send those ASININE dwarves on their DUMASSED treasure hunt, they would never have BEEN in Mirkwood. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE ARRESTED THEM AND THEY WOULDN'T BE SUING ME CONSTANTLY!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!! "
Thranduil slumped in his chair and began massaging his temples. "I'm under way to much stress!" he muttered. "Tomorrow I have to call my lawyer, find a new secretary, try to settle the tree planter's strike, sign that bill outlawing large vehicles in public places, write to Celeborn...GRR! I'm probably developing carpal tunnel syndrome as well!"
"Why don't you take a vacation?" asked Legolas.
"Why don't I...But of course! A vacation! You're brilliant! I'll go visit my aunt in Rivendell! Haven't seen her in ages! You can run things around here for a few weeks, can't you? Of course you can! You need the practice anyway. Well, I'm off!" Three seconds later, Thranduil out the door, headed FAR, far away from such things as lawsuits, secretaries, and carpal tunnel.
Legolas groaned and closed his eyes. "What the cosmic fuck have I gotten myself into?" he muttered. "I don't know shit about running a country!" he stared despondently around the office. "I'm screwed."
**************************************************************************** ************
Poor Leggy. *evil grin* Do you think this story is totally stupid? Please review!!! I want some feedback people! Next chapter: Aragorn hates Gollum, and visa versa.
A/n: This story actually has a plot, unlike the crazy random nonsensical stuff I usually write. That does not, however, mean it story should be taken seriously. It's kind of AU, but then, so is everything I write. And I know elves don't actually have heart attacks. They don't have pencils either. So there.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Thranduil threw his coffee mug through the window and began banging his head on the desk.
"Um, Dad?" said Legolas. "I think you should calm down. You don't want to have another heart attack, do you?"
"Those dwarves would give ANYBODY heart attacks! They're filing ANOTHER lawsuit! What is this, the SIXTEENTH time?!"
"No sir! It's only the eleventh!" chirped Thranduil's secretary.
Thranduil growled and bit his pencil in half. "They were TRESSPASSING! Of course I arrested them! I was NOT BEING RASCIST AGAINST DWARVES!"
"No one said you were," said Legolas soothingly.
"And it's not like I MISTREATED them!" said Thranduil, continuing his tirade. "I locked them in nice, DRY cells! They got THREE NUTRITIONALLY BALANCED MEALS A DAY! I offered to let them GO if they would tell me WHAT THE HELL THEY WERE DOING IN MIRKWOOD! But NO! They were all, 'I have the fucking right to remain silent dude so fuck off!' And THEN what did they do? THEY JACKED MY WINE BARRELS! I should be suing THEM, the assholes!"
"Yes, yes, of course" said Legolas quickly. "But I really don't think you should be getting so worked up about this..."
"...AND, they used an ILLEGAL hobbit with an UNREGISTERED MAGIC RING to escape! But is anyone calling them on it? NOOOOOOOO! Just because they went and harassed a fucking dragon and stole its treasure is NO EXCUSE for them to get special treatment!"
"Actually," said the secretary, pulling out a law book almost as big a she was, "it says here that it's not illegal for a group of dwarves to travel with a hobbit unless said hobbit is smuggling LSD and/or is a member of 'Weight Watchers.'"
"SHUT UP!" bellowed Thranduil. "And that still doesn't explain what a hobbit was DOING with one of the RINGS OF POWER! There is NOTHING in that "One Ring to Rule them All" poem thing about HOBBITS! Therefore, the little shit must have STOLEN it like he stole my WINE BARRELS!"
"Dad," said Legolas desperately, "I don't think it's worth it to have an aneurism over a few wine barrels. I mean, they didn't even have any wine in them..."
"WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE WINE BARRELS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAWSUIT!"
"But sir--" said the secretary.
"YOU'RE FIRED!" shouted Thranduil.
The secretary turned green and mumbled something about union regulations.
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU'RE FUCKING UNION! NOW LEAVE BEFORE I START SMASHING THINGS!"
The secretary scowled and slunk out of the office.
"This is all that STUPID wizard Gandalf's fault. If he hadn't decided to send those ASININE dwarves on their DUMASSED treasure hunt, they would never have BEEN in Mirkwood. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE ARRESTED THEM AND THEY WOULDN'T BE SUING ME CONSTANTLY!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!! "
Thranduil slumped in his chair and began massaging his temples. "I'm under way to much stress!" he muttered. "Tomorrow I have to call my lawyer, find a new secretary, try to settle the tree planter's strike, sign that bill outlawing large vehicles in public places, write to Celeborn...GRR! I'm probably developing carpal tunnel syndrome as well!"
"Why don't you take a vacation?" asked Legolas.
"Why don't I...But of course! A vacation! You're brilliant! I'll go visit my aunt in Rivendell! Haven't seen her in ages! You can run things around here for a few weeks, can't you? Of course you can! You need the practice anyway. Well, I'm off!" Three seconds later, Thranduil out the door, headed FAR, far away from such things as lawsuits, secretaries, and carpal tunnel.
Legolas groaned and closed his eyes. "What the cosmic fuck have I gotten myself into?" he muttered. "I don't know shit about running a country!" he stared despondently around the office. "I'm screwed."
**************************************************************************** ************
Poor Leggy. *evil grin* Do you think this story is totally stupid? Please review!!! I want some feedback people! Next chapter: Aragorn hates Gollum, and visa versa.