Author: hold_that_thought
Summary: Harmony and Lorne discuss the meaning of life. Or something.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Angel 5x08 - Destiny
Feedback: Greatly appreciated ([email protected])
Archive: More than likely okay, but please ask first
Disclaimer: The characters used within are the property of Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox, and of course Joss Whedon. It's their sandbox, I'm just playing in it.
Notes: Thanks to Soda and Fenwic for contributions, and Nongenius and Cousinjean for betaing! (Completed 1/14/04)
"Did somebody order a seabreeze?" Harmony said, grinning widely as she poked her head around Lorne's door.
Lorne motioned her inside and held his hand up to keep her quiet. "No, that's not what I'm saying," he said into the telephone cradled against his shoulder. "I know...yeah, no, we're all working around the clock to put the best spin on this."
He looked at Harmony and rolled his eyes. She clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling too loudly. After a few more exchanges, he finally hung up and leaned back in his chair with a sigh.
"Seabreeze will cure all," Harmony said, handing him the glass.
Lorne gave her a grateful smile. "Oh, sweetie, Molly Pitcher has nothing on you." He took a sip. "So, to what do I owe this pleasure, Miss Thang?"
Harmony sat down across from him and leaned forward. "Well, you've known Angel a really long time, right? So you can tell me -- is he, you know...."
"I know where you're going with this."
"You do?"
"What, you think you're the first person to wonder?" Lorne shook his head and smiled. "I admit, I had some doubts myself at first."
Harmony leaned back in her chair. "Phew. I totally thought it was just me. So...he's not?"
"Nope. Impeccable fashion sense notwithstanding, I'm reasonably sure Angel isn't gay."
"Oh! Uh, no, that's not what I was gonna ask."
"It's not? Well, then, let's just keep that part about me having doubts between us, okay?" he said, winking. "So, what did you want to know?"
Harmony shifted uncomfortably and looked around. She really didn't want to find out the office was bugged, because then Angel might follow through with his threat to enforce a new dress code just for her. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, Harmony said, "Is Angel crazy?"
"Crazy? Pfft." Lorne waved his hand. "Sure, he's gone on homicidal rampages, but there were usually heavily extenuating circumstances. As long as none of his exes were recently revived from the dead, we should be okay. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I made him a mug of blood this afternoon, and when I told him what the secret ingredient was, he got all sad."
Lorne raised an eyebrow. "What was the secret ingredient? And please don't say puppy."
"Ew! Hello, I'm a vampire, not, like, evil evil. It was cinnamon."
"Cinnamon? That's not so bad."
Harmony nodded. "I know! I tried some myself and it's yummy."
"Have you ever tried mixing in hot chocolate? We used to make that down at Caritas. Vamps went nuts for it."
"Ooh!" Harmony clapped. "That's a fabulous idea, Lornie! Oh, but wait, will it work with low-fat? I know, I know, most vampires don't gain weight, but you can't be too careful."
"Honey, you don't know the half of it." Lorne stood up and walked over to his vanity mirror. Sitting down and taking out an eyeliner, he said, "There's an actress of a certain age...well, you know I have to keep it hush hush, but let's just say, she recently tried the diet of one Mr. Atkins, and the rumor about her being part Svethkal demon must be true, because the whole thing backfired and she now looks like the love child of a bloated Tom Hanks and Renée Zellweger circa Down With Love." He suddenly put the eyeliner down and spun around to look at her. "You didn't come in here to talk about Angel and weight problems, did you."
"Huh?" Harmony shifted in her chair. "No, I just wanted to bring you a drink and chat."
"Mmhmm. There's something else on your mind, muffin, so spill it. I can see your aura flashing from here."
Harmony looked down. No, her top was still on, and her skirt hadn't hiked up. Oh, he probably meant one of his mystic...things. "It's just, I was supposed to be all 'I can roar, I'm a woman' and stuff, but Spike's corporeal for a whole minute before I'm following him into someone's office to do it on the desk."
"Ooh, whose office?" Lorne glanced wearily at his desk and frowned. "Not mine, right?"
"No, some guy from Acquisitions. He's dead now. Fire extinguisher to the head and all. Anyway, my mom used to say that guys wouldn't buy my milk if I was a slutty cow, so I tried being good. But I have, like, no willpower. It's like potato chips, but worse."
Lorne stood up and patted her on the shoulder. "Well, your Blondie Bear is a helluva sweetalker. He's had a century to perfect those pickup lines of his."
"He said my skirt was pretty."
"Huh." Lorne blinked. "My point is, you can't beat yourself up over this, Harmonica. You just need to channel your inner Aretha. Call for a little respect."
"Respect, yeah!" Harmony nodded enthusiastically. It was just like those motivational speakers were always saying, right before she ended up calling in to order an amethyst bracelet.
"What you need is a nice, quiet boy who will adore you for who you are, and I've got just the critter."
"You don't mean critter like...critter, do you? Because I made a vow when I started working here, no dating anything with more than two legs, unless its head looks like Antonio Banderas."
Lorne grinned. "No worries, I assure you this is a very nice, completely human...oid boy. His name is Josh, and his father's a client of mine."
"Is he cute?" Harmony asked.
"Is he ever! You'll go crazy for him, and I'll consider it a big personal favor if you'll go on one date with him. It's a delicate assignment that needs your special touch."
"Okay, wait," Harmony said, crossing her arms. "That isn't, like, code for being a hooker, is it?"
Lorne laughed and took a sip of his drink. "Sweetie, you're a hoot. No, this boy is very reserved. He doesn't open up to just anyone, and nobody's better than setting people at ease than you."
"Me? Really?"
"Well, sure! You got people mixing it up at the Halloween party, didn't you? At least until my gigantic alter ego started eating them all."
"True." Harmony smiled. "Hey, true! I am good at getting people to open up! And not even in the vampire, rip-your-veins way!"
"There you go! Just be your loveable self. You'll make his father happy, which will make the company happy...and most important, it will make you happy."
Harmony jumped up and threw her arms around Lorne's neck, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Oh, Lorney Toons, I knew you'd be able to help me. You should totally have some kind of advice-giving booth where people can come to you and get help."
"Used to, kitten, remember? You sang 'Memories,' if mine serves me correctly."
"Duh." Harmony rolled her eyes and smiled. "I'm such a blonde sometimes. Hey, speaking of singing, I wanna try out for American Idol the next time they come to L.A. What do you think? Wouldn't that be the coolest?"
It almost looked like Lorne winced, but by the time Harmony blinked, he was smiling like normal, so it must have been her imagination. "You'd be a knockout, for sure, but don't you think a pop idol who keeps a strict liquid and can't go outside during the day would raise a few eyebrows?"
"Oh, right," she said, frowning. "Dammit. Being a vampire sucks sometimes."
Slipping an arm around her shoulder, Lorne led Harmony towards the door and said, "I have a couple harrowing tales of Botox-gone-wrong that will make you thankful for the whole no-aging deal. Remind me to tell them to you later. For now, I have to get back to work putting an acceptable spin on a certain pop princess' surprise walk down the aisle. I'll have Josh call you."
"Okay," Harmony smiled. "Thanks again, Lornie."
"Anytime! Mi office, su office. Oh, and Harm?"
She paused outside his office. "Yeah?"
"I'd suggest suppressing any future urges to experiment with Angelcake's blood."
Harmony sighed. "He so doesn't know what he's missing."
"Few men do." Lorne tapped her on the chin and winked, then closed the door.
Harmony skipped back to her desk, humming 'Memories' and wishing Lorne hadn't gotten it stuck in her head.
"And what, pray tell, did Kermit say to put you in such a good mood?" Spike said, appearing at her side.
"None of your business, Spike." She rolled her eyes and walked behind her desk.
"Mmm." He leaned forward, bringing his face close to hers. "Know something that'd put you in an even better mood. What do you say you an' me find another office, finish what we started before the whole bleeding eyes ordeal?"
"Maybe later. Right now, I have to go make myself a big mug of low-fat hot chocolate and otter blood."
Harmony smiled and stood up, feeling totally empowered as she headed to the break room. It was like Lorne said, she needed to be happy, and have a guy who adored her. Maybe this Josh would be perfect. He could buy her flowers and ceramic unicorns, and she could make him dress up for her for a change. Not as a Slayer or anything else screwed up like that. Maybe something sexy, like a black tee-shirt and long black coat. Then she'd be happy, and everyone would know she was totally over Blondie Bear. Er, Spike.
The microwave dinged. Harmony retrieved her mug and took a sip. "Ooh, this is good!" Lorne was a genius. Still, maybe she could go against his advice and try slipping some chocolate into the next mug she brought Angel. After all, the boss had only specifically threatened to kill her for messing with his food that one time she'd tried lemon juice. But Harmony was obviously getting better with the food experimentation.
After all, Lorne totally hadn't complained about the sebassis blood she'd slipped in his seabreeze.