Hi hi! Just a note before you start reading, peeps. This fic is NOT to be taken seriously. Let me repeat myself. DO NOT TAKE THIS FIC SERIOUSLY. Otherwise you might damage brain cells. Okay? Okay. Ever read a Draco/Hermione fic (or many) and thought WTF?? I know I'm so tired of the cliches that appear in so many of them – even extremely well written ones, and it's gotten to the point where when I see an overused plot device appear, I end up laughing hysterically and switching to the next fic in hopes for something better.

This fic contains gratuitous Author self insertion, various mangling of plots and plot devices, and general mayhem. I don't really care if you flame me, cause I'll just laugh at you. If you flame, it means you're taking this fic way more seriously than it's meant to be – read the first paragraph of the Author's Notes again please.

By the way, I really do love Hermione and Draco together, even though we all know it'll never happen in the books – they just seem to have an unused chemistry going on, don't they? Now that my rambling's done, on with the story! (Which is just more rambling.)

Oh shoot. One more thing. This is my first Harry Potter FanFiction – I have written other FanFiction under a different penname (I write Ranma ½ FanFiction – if you want to read my other works, say so in your comments, and I'll email you my other penname.). Okay, really on with the story now, I promise!

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I will never own them. It would be considered against the law for me to have a thing going with Draco, so let's not even go there.

Okay, you're gonna hate me if I keep doing this – meant to add that anything between the xxxxx's are comments between the author and the characters. You may slap me if I add anything more to these Author Notes now.

Hermione Granger soared gracefully through the post to emerge triumphantly onto Platform 9 and ¾. Her hair bounced delicately against her shoulders, and she casually tossed her head back and laughed lightly. How glad she was that her American cousin had taken her under her wing…

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Hermione: Wait what? American cousin? Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, I have no relatives in America. I've never been to America, I have no plans to go to America. Just because it happens to be one of the most influential countries on the planet, does not mean that everyone and their dog has a relative there.

Author: Sorry Hermione… I just thought that Americans, being top of the scene for fashion trends and all… that it would be a good way… Oh fine I'll take it out.

Hermione: Thank you.

Author: Anytime.

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Staring at her reflection in a nearby window, Hermione smiled. She certainly had changed over the last summer. Gone was the semi-flat chest, to be replaced with what could only be described as a well endowed bosom. Her teeth shone brightly, threatening to bedazzle all the boys glancing her way. A summer spent well in the sun had lightened her mousy brown hair to a golden wheat, and with the color change, her hair had amazingly sprung into beautiful ringlets. Her waist was tiny, her legs long and sleek. The 4 inches she had grown in a few short months made her look like a statuesque model.. In fact, it had only been last week that the Ford Modeling company had approached her…

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Hermione: EWWW!! You freaking Mary Sue'd me? The hell is your problem? Look at me! I look like a Barbie doll! There is no way beyond a whole lot of reconstructive plastic surgery that I could have changed this much. A hair cut, yes. Better make up application, possibly. A bit of growth, fine. In other words, change me back. Now.

Author: But… you look so IT!

Hermione: Yeah, if IT stood for Insanely Transformed. Look, do you want me in this story or not? Cause I can just go.

Author: No, wait! I'll change you back! But can't I at least change your clothes? You know, low cut here, high cut there…

Hermione: No.

Author: Please?

Hermione: No.

Author: You're no fun, Hermione.

Hermione: Wow, you finally read the books, huh?

Author: … You're ruining my muse.

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On second thought, Hermione had changed over the summer as much as could be expected. She was a normal teenage girl after all, and did have the typical growth development of her age. She looked not much different as she had when she had left Hogwarts a few months previously. A cute average girl. Although not so average in the brain department. Hermione fingered the well read letter in her coat pocket. It had been expected, but she still had been thrilled when she opened it up to read that congratulations, she had been selected as this years Head Girl…

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Author: Oh, hey, Mione? I can still make you Head Girl, right?

Hermione: Well, of course I'm Head Girl. It would be completely stupid and inane if I wasn't. And don't call me Mione.

Author: I was just checking…

Hermione: You checked. Now get on with it – you're doing better.

Author: Yay me!

Hermione: Okay… Oh wait! Who's Head Boy? You'd better not make it…

Author: Writing now… be quiet.

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Hermione couldn't wait to see Harry and Ron, her best friends. She just knew that Ron would be made Head Boy, after all, he had been made Prefect over Harry. She could just imagine the look on his mum's face when she had heard the news…

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Hermione: GAH!! Ron?? No, no, a thousand times no! I love the guy, but there's not a chance. Stop it.

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She just knew that Harry would be made Head Boy, after all, he had done so much for the school. Sure, he might not have been the smartest guy in school, but intelligence wasn't everything…

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Author: Hermione? Did you just snort?

Hermione: Intelligence isn't everything? Bahahahahahahahahaha!

Author: Oh. Yeah. Temporary lapse of judgement.

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Even though she would have loved for either of her friends to be Head Boy, she just knew that the logical choice was Draco Malfoy, after all, he was the highest ranked student other than herself. She just hoped that they could come to some kind, any kind of agreement where they didn't end up killing each other by the end of the year.

Lugging her trunk with her, Hermione boarded the Hogwart's Express and starting going down the aisle, checking for her friends in each passing compartment. A flash of red hair poked out from a doorway further down and she grinned broadly, walking faster. She hadn't been able to get to the Burrow over the hols, and couldn't wait to hear what they had been up to.

Ginny squealed as Hermione entered the compartment. The boys felt their jaws drop down to the floor as they took in her looks.

"OH MY GAWD, Hermione!!! You look, like so totally hot! I want your stylist! Please, pretty please will you do a makeover like that on me??"

Hermione giggled flirtingly, throwing coy glances at Harry and Ron…

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Hermione: Earth to Just A Reader! Didn't we already cover that there was none of this crap?

Author: But it works so well… and everyone's doing it in all the HP fics…

Hermione: And if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you too?

Author: No! I'm not stupid.

Hermione: Neither am I. Please don't make my character act like it.

Author: Fine.

Hermione: Fine.

Author: So we're good then?

Hermione: We're cool.

Author: We are, aren't we?

Hermione: Shut up and type, twit.

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"Hi guys! I'm so glad to see you!" Hermione called cheerfully as she entered the compartment. Ginny squealed as she caught sight of the Head Girl badge pinned carefully on Hermione's normally proportioned chest. Smiling proudly, she couldn't help rub her sleeve over it to polish it up.

"I can't stay too long guys – I have to get to a meeting at the front compartment to give the new Prefects some instructions. But it shouldn't take too long, as long as Malfoy doesn't act like a total prat, and then you can tell me all about your vacation!" Hermione dropped her trunk with a loud thunk and plopped down on the seat next to Ron.

"It really bites that you have to work with him all year, Hermy" Ron said with a growl. He kept darting looks at her, his cheeks tinged a bit redder than usual. "If he even tries anything remotely creepy, you'll come tell us, won't you? We'll take care of you."

"Oh thank you, Ron! You're so sweet!" Hermione leaned over and planted a kiss on Ron's cheek. "I don't know what I'll do if he acts mean to me"…

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Hermione: I don't know what I'll do if you keep making me out to be a helpless female who couldn't fight her way out of a paper bag.

Author: Point taken.

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"Guys, don't worry – I can handle it – he's a jerk, but there's no way any of the teachers will let him get away with too much." Hermione shrugged off their concern. Glancing at her watch, she stood up. Waving to her friends, she headed to her meeting.

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Author: Yay! I'm done the first chapter! I so rock!

Hermione: If you mean you have the mentality of a rock, then yes. Yes you do.

Author: Hey, do you want to be in this story or not? Cause I can just leave…

Hermione: By all means, go ahead.

Author: I didn't mean it…

Hermione: I know. I am quite aware that I will have to endure this odd form of torture until you've eased whatever demon has spawned in your brain.

Author: How right you are! You're so smart Hermione!

Hermione: I know.

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KK! First chapter done! This won't have too many, cause after all, there's only so far I can take this. I don't care if Hermione is OOC in the interaction between myself and her, cause, well, I just don't care. Next chapter will be up pretty soon – I'm just writing this at work in between my clients. I'm such a slacker. Any and all comments/criticisms are welcome. Thanks for reading!