Title: Oneirophobia
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Dark, mentions of blood, thoughts of death
Summary: When you close your eyes, what do you see? Riku sees his shadowy past and it's slowly killing him. What should he do?
Oneirophobia
Ever been afraid to close your eyes at night to sleep? Or afraid you'll never wake up from your sleep? How about when you just blink? Have you been afraid then? Most people would laugh at you for fearing blinking. It's not that common, you wouldn't come across it often, or at all. I myself would have scoffed at the thought... but that was before. That was before I entered the dark. That was before I became tainted with hatred and pain.
****----****----****
My life changed three years ago when the darkness became my ally. It controlled the very way I expressed my thoughts or moved my hand. I was under submission to whatever my masters had wanted. I never doubted them or doubted their words. To do so would have meant death, and I didn't want to die. But they controlled me for a large portion of time. Time in which I fought against my childhood friend and his companions. Lies were feed to me to make me hate my friend, and I believed them. I had no one else to believe, so it was so easy to succumb to their lies.
It wasn't until I was almost killed by one of my masters that I realize the wrong that I had been doing. It was then that I began to fight back, but by then, my body, mind, and soul were tainted. Of course I was sorry for what I had done, but apologizing and guilt can only get one person so far. It does not make up for all the pain cause and all the trouble most went through. So I decided to punish myself. I stayed in the world of darkness and let my friends and the worlds live in what they deserved and that was peace.
In the darkness, my mind was once again played with. I thought dark thoughts and learned the dark ways. I was slowly turning into the darkness myself before my mind screamed at me to stop. I was so submerged in the shadows though, that it took me a lifetime it seemed to pull myself free. I had to re-valuate my way of life and thinking. I had to make myself anew and keep it that way.
When I has succeeded in changing my ways, I was given the opportunity to leave the shadows. I was much too hesitant at first. My chance slipped through my fingers, but in the recesses of my mind... I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn't ready to face the world that I had caused so much torment for. So staying was the only thing to do.
I stayed for a period of time that had no meaning to me. I didn't care if it was a year, a day, a minute or even a second. I only began to care when I felt I could handle myself. I felt I could control my evil thoughts and shadowed moves. By feeling this confidence in myself for the first time in a long time, I was once again given the chance to leave and this time, I took it.
I left the world of shadows and came into the light. I was greeted with open hospitality from the last person I thought I deserved it from: my friend. But no matter how hard I tried to apologize to him or how I tried to keep my distance from him, he just came back and told me there was nothing to forgive. I didn't believe him then and I don't believe him now. I think he's just trying to cover up his disgust toward me, which he shouldn't be doing. He should just be telling me to 'stay the hell away' or 'why are you still alive?' Which is no less than I deserve.
Anyways, after my reunion with my friend, I had to face many more people. I had to face the king, the queen, my friend's comrades, and the princesses. I had almost ran the day I had to face those people. I was scared out of my mind. It was all I could do to keep back tears. My whole body shook with the surprised tears and fear. Just before I faced them, I passed out from lack of air.
Of course that didn't get me off the hook, though I never thought it would. But nonetheless, I faced them. Well, I stood in front of them, eyes averted to the ground and I fidgeted nonstop. I almost passed out again when I felt a hand rest on my shoulder too. When I looked up, it was her. It was the girl I wanted to protect, to help. She only smiled at me and hugged me, crying.
I despise that memory. I wanted to shove her away and yell at her. I wanted to yell at her to hate me, to do anything but forgive me. But I didn't. I just stood there, tense and unmoving. When she pulled away, she wiped a tear from her eye and smiled even wider. Everyone around me then either hugged me or touched me and just forgave me and I hated it. I didn't want them to have to forgive me because I still hadn't forgiven myself. I couldn't. All memories were fresh in my mind.
It wasn't soon after my realization of self loathing that it truly began. It had started with long nightmares of blood and torture that I had done. I would wake up in a cold sweat, and not be able to sleep the rest of the night. It progressed to no sleep at all at night. I would sit on my bed, knees pulled to my chest, rocking back and forth to keep the nightmares at bay.
But one person can only stay awake for so long. I wore down fast. I had bag under my eyes, my body felt heavy, and my head felt light. I could barely walk straight and all my thoughts were jumbled. When I started to shake because of stress and lack of sleep, my friend stepped in. He gave me some tea one day and snuck sleeping pills in it. I fell asleep two seconds after finishing the tea, causing my grip on the cup to falter and shatter on the ground.
During that forced and unwanted sleep, I had one of the worst nightmares I could recall. I was in a sea of blood and it was getting higher. The room around me was shadows and all sound was gone. My voice wouldn't work, my body wouldn't move, and the blood was getting further up my body. Just before the blood reach above my head, I fell backwards and onto concrete. There, I saw all the people that I had hurt. I saw cuts, bruises, and sad faces. I found hatred on some people and jeering looks on others. I heard hate filled words and then felt objects hitting my body. I quickly became bruised and bloody from the damage but I felt little to nothing of the pain.
I fell backwards once again and found myself in a stone courtyard. There was a fountain to my right and my friend was standing next to it. I moved toward him, blood still dripping off my body. When I reached him, he turned around. With dull and lifeless periwinkle blue eyes, he smiled at me and plunged his blade into my stomach. As I hit the ground, his words rang in my head.
"I hate you. You deserve all the pain you get."
That was went the pain flooded into me. I woke up screaming from that one. My friend was still in the same room with me and I ran from him, scared that he would kill me. I ran for hours. He had, after the first hour, given up on following me. He had turned and left. But I still ran. I ran until I collapsed. I huddled in a small ball and just rocked back and forth. I don't know how long I stayed like that. I do remember waking up and being in my own bed though with my friend by my side.
After that situation, he never forced me to sleep again. I didn't sleep well after that though. I actually slept less and less. I became an insomniac to tell the truth. But things turned from bad to worse. When my thoughts began to wander, flashes of the past came back to me. It happened numerous times before I became obsessed with trying to find a hobby. I did eventually. I began to collect small trinkets. Seashells, small and shiny rocks, a silver bell, anything that I thought was worth saving was for my collection.
But as I said, things got even worse. Since my sleep was basically stopped and my attention was always diverted to something else, my nightmares began to come every time I closed my eyes. Even if I blinked, a vision of the past would fill my mind. These sights were short but many in number. At the beginning, I cringed every time I would blink, my friend not knowing or understanding why I would. As time went on, I stopped cringing. I began to succumb to my visions.
Even now, if I blink, I will see a horrible picture from my past. I will see such devastating scenes that I begin to draw back into the darkness. I being to take the shadows around me and fold them into myself to make me feel safe.
I know what I am doing is wrong, and that I should tell someone. But I can't bring myself to burden anyone further. I've already been given so much. I'll never be able to repay anyone for what they have done. I know my friend would also be disappointed in me for keeping such things a secret. But I can not stop myself. I still feel like he should hate me, but now, I don't want him too. I've torn myself in two over my past.
Slowly, but surely, I'm killing myself. The thought scares me a little, but I wonder, if it is what I deserve. I'm certain my friend would smack me for thinking such things, but still... that thought has been tossed around in my mind for ages. I can't help but thinking about suicide. I know I would never be able to go through with it: a cut of the wrist, an overdose of pills, or a simple bullet. Those things scare me. Yet, my dreams scare me more and I'm willing to let my life fall away with those.
So what does that tell me? What should I do?
Should I tell my friend?
Should I just suffer alone?
What do I do?
I need help. I want answers. But I know the answers to my questions, I'm just afraid to do it. I'm afraid I'll be banished away from him and my second chance at life. I'm afraid my dreams will overcome me and the shadows will control me. I'm afraid that he will hate me if I don't tell him. I'm afraid of the shadows.
But mainly, and forever, I am afraid of my mind.
I need help.
Help me my friend! Please.
I don't want to die!
**Author's Note**
Well, isn't that just a kicker? I've serious messed with Riku's mind here! This is the first real dark fanfic I've ever done, so don't be too hard on me. Also, the main inspiration of this fic was Riku seeing his past "behind closed eyes." I've been playing with that idea for a long time now and I just hope a few people like it. Thanks to any future reviews. Also, I've been thinking of continuing this fic, but as of now, I'm not too sure. It'll depend on the feedback. Until later!
OH! Also...... Oneirophobia is the fear of dreams.
Much love!
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Dark, mentions of blood, thoughts of death
Summary: When you close your eyes, what do you see? Riku sees his shadowy past and it's slowly killing him. What should he do?
Oneirophobia
Ever been afraid to close your eyes at night to sleep? Or afraid you'll never wake up from your sleep? How about when you just blink? Have you been afraid then? Most people would laugh at you for fearing blinking. It's not that common, you wouldn't come across it often, or at all. I myself would have scoffed at the thought... but that was before. That was before I entered the dark. That was before I became tainted with hatred and pain.
****----****----****
My life changed three years ago when the darkness became my ally. It controlled the very way I expressed my thoughts or moved my hand. I was under submission to whatever my masters had wanted. I never doubted them or doubted their words. To do so would have meant death, and I didn't want to die. But they controlled me for a large portion of time. Time in which I fought against my childhood friend and his companions. Lies were feed to me to make me hate my friend, and I believed them. I had no one else to believe, so it was so easy to succumb to their lies.
It wasn't until I was almost killed by one of my masters that I realize the wrong that I had been doing. It was then that I began to fight back, but by then, my body, mind, and soul were tainted. Of course I was sorry for what I had done, but apologizing and guilt can only get one person so far. It does not make up for all the pain cause and all the trouble most went through. So I decided to punish myself. I stayed in the world of darkness and let my friends and the worlds live in what they deserved and that was peace.
In the darkness, my mind was once again played with. I thought dark thoughts and learned the dark ways. I was slowly turning into the darkness myself before my mind screamed at me to stop. I was so submerged in the shadows though, that it took me a lifetime it seemed to pull myself free. I had to re-valuate my way of life and thinking. I had to make myself anew and keep it that way.
When I has succeeded in changing my ways, I was given the opportunity to leave the shadows. I was much too hesitant at first. My chance slipped through my fingers, but in the recesses of my mind... I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn't ready to face the world that I had caused so much torment for. So staying was the only thing to do.
I stayed for a period of time that had no meaning to me. I didn't care if it was a year, a day, a minute or even a second. I only began to care when I felt I could handle myself. I felt I could control my evil thoughts and shadowed moves. By feeling this confidence in myself for the first time in a long time, I was once again given the chance to leave and this time, I took it.
I left the world of shadows and came into the light. I was greeted with open hospitality from the last person I thought I deserved it from: my friend. But no matter how hard I tried to apologize to him or how I tried to keep my distance from him, he just came back and told me there was nothing to forgive. I didn't believe him then and I don't believe him now. I think he's just trying to cover up his disgust toward me, which he shouldn't be doing. He should just be telling me to 'stay the hell away' or 'why are you still alive?' Which is no less than I deserve.
Anyways, after my reunion with my friend, I had to face many more people. I had to face the king, the queen, my friend's comrades, and the princesses. I had almost ran the day I had to face those people. I was scared out of my mind. It was all I could do to keep back tears. My whole body shook with the surprised tears and fear. Just before I faced them, I passed out from lack of air.
Of course that didn't get me off the hook, though I never thought it would. But nonetheless, I faced them. Well, I stood in front of them, eyes averted to the ground and I fidgeted nonstop. I almost passed out again when I felt a hand rest on my shoulder too. When I looked up, it was her. It was the girl I wanted to protect, to help. She only smiled at me and hugged me, crying.
I despise that memory. I wanted to shove her away and yell at her. I wanted to yell at her to hate me, to do anything but forgive me. But I didn't. I just stood there, tense and unmoving. When she pulled away, she wiped a tear from her eye and smiled even wider. Everyone around me then either hugged me or touched me and just forgave me and I hated it. I didn't want them to have to forgive me because I still hadn't forgiven myself. I couldn't. All memories were fresh in my mind.
It wasn't soon after my realization of self loathing that it truly began. It had started with long nightmares of blood and torture that I had done. I would wake up in a cold sweat, and not be able to sleep the rest of the night. It progressed to no sleep at all at night. I would sit on my bed, knees pulled to my chest, rocking back and forth to keep the nightmares at bay.
But one person can only stay awake for so long. I wore down fast. I had bag under my eyes, my body felt heavy, and my head felt light. I could barely walk straight and all my thoughts were jumbled. When I started to shake because of stress and lack of sleep, my friend stepped in. He gave me some tea one day and snuck sleeping pills in it. I fell asleep two seconds after finishing the tea, causing my grip on the cup to falter and shatter on the ground.
During that forced and unwanted sleep, I had one of the worst nightmares I could recall. I was in a sea of blood and it was getting higher. The room around me was shadows and all sound was gone. My voice wouldn't work, my body wouldn't move, and the blood was getting further up my body. Just before the blood reach above my head, I fell backwards and onto concrete. There, I saw all the people that I had hurt. I saw cuts, bruises, and sad faces. I found hatred on some people and jeering looks on others. I heard hate filled words and then felt objects hitting my body. I quickly became bruised and bloody from the damage but I felt little to nothing of the pain.
I fell backwards once again and found myself in a stone courtyard. There was a fountain to my right and my friend was standing next to it. I moved toward him, blood still dripping off my body. When I reached him, he turned around. With dull and lifeless periwinkle blue eyes, he smiled at me and plunged his blade into my stomach. As I hit the ground, his words rang in my head.
"I hate you. You deserve all the pain you get."
That was went the pain flooded into me. I woke up screaming from that one. My friend was still in the same room with me and I ran from him, scared that he would kill me. I ran for hours. He had, after the first hour, given up on following me. He had turned and left. But I still ran. I ran until I collapsed. I huddled in a small ball and just rocked back and forth. I don't know how long I stayed like that. I do remember waking up and being in my own bed though with my friend by my side.
After that situation, he never forced me to sleep again. I didn't sleep well after that though. I actually slept less and less. I became an insomniac to tell the truth. But things turned from bad to worse. When my thoughts began to wander, flashes of the past came back to me. It happened numerous times before I became obsessed with trying to find a hobby. I did eventually. I began to collect small trinkets. Seashells, small and shiny rocks, a silver bell, anything that I thought was worth saving was for my collection.
But as I said, things got even worse. Since my sleep was basically stopped and my attention was always diverted to something else, my nightmares began to come every time I closed my eyes. Even if I blinked, a vision of the past would fill my mind. These sights were short but many in number. At the beginning, I cringed every time I would blink, my friend not knowing or understanding why I would. As time went on, I stopped cringing. I began to succumb to my visions.
Even now, if I blink, I will see a horrible picture from my past. I will see such devastating scenes that I begin to draw back into the darkness. I being to take the shadows around me and fold them into myself to make me feel safe.
I know what I am doing is wrong, and that I should tell someone. But I can't bring myself to burden anyone further. I've already been given so much. I'll never be able to repay anyone for what they have done. I know my friend would also be disappointed in me for keeping such things a secret. But I can not stop myself. I still feel like he should hate me, but now, I don't want him too. I've torn myself in two over my past.
Slowly, but surely, I'm killing myself. The thought scares me a little, but I wonder, if it is what I deserve. I'm certain my friend would smack me for thinking such things, but still... that thought has been tossed around in my mind for ages. I can't help but thinking about suicide. I know I would never be able to go through with it: a cut of the wrist, an overdose of pills, or a simple bullet. Those things scare me. Yet, my dreams scare me more and I'm willing to let my life fall away with those.
So what does that tell me? What should I do?
Should I tell my friend?
Should I just suffer alone?
What do I do?
I need help. I want answers. But I know the answers to my questions, I'm just afraid to do it. I'm afraid I'll be banished away from him and my second chance at life. I'm afraid my dreams will overcome me and the shadows will control me. I'm afraid that he will hate me if I don't tell him. I'm afraid of the shadows.
But mainly, and forever, I am afraid of my mind.
I need help.
Help me my friend! Please.
I don't want to die!
**Author's Note**
Well, isn't that just a kicker? I've serious messed with Riku's mind here! This is the first real dark fanfic I've ever done, so don't be too hard on me. Also, the main inspiration of this fic was Riku seeing his past "behind closed eyes." I've been playing with that idea for a long time now and I just hope a few people like it. Thanks to any future reviews. Also, I've been thinking of continuing this fic, but as of now, I'm not too sure. It'll depend on the feedback. Until later!
OH! Also...... Oneirophobia is the fear of dreams.
Much love!