Notes: So I wrote another short story to make up for the sprawling epic story that doesn't want to end. Someday I'll finish that big story until than here is a small one. There was more to this story but it just seemed to naturally stop so I didn't try to add anymore.
Beta Readers: Hugs them all. I'm not sure what names you guys want me to use so I'll be safe and try the fanish ones first. Thanking 'chalkandcheese,' 'Saradas,' 'Scribewraith, and 'Dramagoddess2u' for the quick and insightful Betas. Although I'm sure in fixing all this stuff I've probably only made things worse. =D If you find anything or I've somehow forgotten someonejust let me know.
Quiet Desperation.
12/23/03
By: agentgrrrl (email: [email protected])
----
His father's shadow looms over him, offering no way out, no chance to think. He watches his father's lip curl into a sneer his wand still aimed with deadly precision. The white robes his father wears are stained the color of a pink sunset.
Blood runs into Draco's eyes and the pain of broken ribs on hard stone makes him dizzy. He lifts his head, defiant to the last. He's free: let everything else turn to dust.
Blood covers the ground and no one is going to care if he stops breathing. That almost makes him happy, almost makes it all worth it.
----
Draco has tried a million petty things to weave his life into others, needing something other than just his thoughts. Potter, Weasley, and Granger were always good for that. Plotting and scheming distract him from the future he can see looming.
He's never beaten Potter and his defeat helps to numb him to failure. Draco desperately needs to succeed, he strives, he schemes, and he struggles. Small triumphs easily overshadowed by large and destructive failures. Disappointment. Disdain. Won in hard fights.
His father hates failure and feels that it reflects poorly on them. It's the one thing they both agree on.
His father... his father treats Draco like a toy that he doesn't understand. A very expensive, embarrassing toy that needs to be broken to be fixed.
Potter grows tall like a weed, but Draco withers, revealing the ruin that's his true nature. Draco's fooled no one and everyone sees what he is. Even Potter thinks nothing of him. Draco fights him the hardest because at least the others envy his money and privilege.
Potter doesn't care if Draco falls off a cliff.
He wants to make Potter mad. He wants to have an effect, do something that will leave a mark, even if it only brings about hate. But no matter how angry Potter becomes, in the end, Draco has nothing.
Even when he wins he loses. Something always happens to strip away his success. Like his first year when Slytherin won their place at the top, with cunning and scheming, and even though they'd won, it was plucked out from under them.
He still feels the pain.
Then there are the other times where he wins and loses at the same time. Where every success against Potter, pushes his contentment further away. It's never enough. Winning against Potter and his friends is like being addicted to poison. Nothing less than destroying them will ever relieve this feeling of loathing. Nothing less than death.
It's like this with his father too.
----
Potter is taller than him now. Sometimes Draco thinks how pathetic it must look to everyone when he bullies him. That also makes him angry.
Draco knows this year is all he'll have left. So he makes the most of it, taking his joy and frustrations out on the people around him. When Potter calls him on it, he laughs and not even Potter's disdain stops it.
Potter might question Draco's sanity but he shrugs it off. Why worry when the future is sure to be so short?
----
Draco no longer follows his father's demands when he gets the letters. So he watches as the other Slytherins pack their bags. They glance at him lying on his bed but he just waves as they leave.
They're all gone in the morning and he burns the letter in the common room fire before he goes to breakfast. It refuses to catch fire, for a second, before disappearing like it never existed.
It's all too appropriate.
----
Everyone stares when Draco enters the hall. He sneers and takes his seat at the empty Slytherin table. There are empty seats at other tables, even Gryffindor. However, he's sitting alone.
Potter still stares at him even when the rest of the room goes back to whispering. Draco eats a little and wonders how this day will go without his housemates. Still, the quiet table is worth whatever pain the other student's plan. The people who always watch out for him are gone; he might as well have painted a bull's-eye on his back.
Dumbledore rises at the end of the meal and tells everyone there will be no classes today. No one cheers and it makes Draco smile.
He follows the old man to his office when he's asked.
----
Potter and his friends take to following him with alternating faces of hate and puzzlement. Which is not so bad because they seem to warn people away. Still Draco would rather be beaten than be bored.
Draco ends up in classes with the Gryffindors where it's much easier for everyone to keep an eye on him. They want to know why he's still here but they never ask and he doesn't offer.
It's all very boring. He doesn't mind. He only has a few more days. His father was very specific in his threats and Draco already told Dumbledore everything. No one's going to miss him.
----
Potter, though, isn't letting it go. If Draco had known that doing something unexpected would have this effect he would have done it years ago.
Potter shows up one night while Draco is lying in bed reading. He walks right into his room in the Slytherin dorms and waits. Draco looks over at him and goes back to reading. He's found that indifference makes Potter uneasy.
It doesn't take long for Potter to get antsy and when he grabs the book from Draco's hands it's no surprise.
"What do you want Potter?"
Potter looks unsure, as if he doesn't know why he's here. Draco knows what that feels like, but he doesn't tell Potter that. He's not feeling charitable right now, since Potter has his book.
"Why didn't you go with the others?" Potter asks.
"I didn't feel like it."
Potter just stares and Draco turns on his side, resting his head on his arm. He can feel Potter's confusion and he'd like to answer him honestly but he's never been very open and he doesn't plan to start now. Besides this is Potter. Draco doesn't think he could understand.
His reasons are his own and he'd rather not admit that failing is the only thing that makes him feel worthwhile.
Draco always thought being the center of attention was what he wanted and he can't deny that he likes it. But he'd rather fight and scheme and plot than just have everything handed to him. Potter made him work to be important and so far he's never succeeded.
He'd rather prove himself, than fight a war he cares nothing about for his father's pride. This, he thinks, is something he wants to win even if he never will.
Potter discards the book and grabs him, pulling him up so that they're face to face.
"This isn't a game!"
"Are you so sure of that?"
"Whatever you're planning--" a narrowing of his eyes follow this accusation and Draco's laughter stops Potter before he can truly get going.
"I'm not planning anything." He pushes Potter away. "Go and ask Dumbledore."
There's a grudging admission in Potter's eyes. "He told us about your decision..."
"Well, isn't that nice. Is that why I've got my own set of reluctant bodyguards? No wonder things have been so boring as of late. I was hoping for one last brawl to round out my experience at Hogwarts."
"Why do this now?"
"What Potter? Was it supposed to wait? Would this have been more convenient later? Sorry, but the world still doesn't revolve around you."
Potter grabs him again and there is that moment where he wonders why he can't take Potter seriously. Draco amuses himself watching the muscle jump on Potter's jaw, as the Gryffindor grapples him. Antagonizing Potter was always more fun without an audience watching.
Potter releases Draco and stalks out of the room. He watches the door for a moment and then retrieves his book from the ground. Draco wonders what this visit says about Potter's priorities and he finds he doesn't much care for that line of thought.
----
He doesn't question it when Hogwarts shakes the next morning. It signals the end to this false calm. He dresses to the sound of straining stone. Dust is knocked from the cracks in the ceiling. They're only a day or two early.
It doesn't take long to leave the Slytherin dungeons for the last time.
The teachers are absent and Draco doesn't want to examine why he keeps looking for Potter in this mess. Stones fall from the walls and ceilings, the portraits are empty, their occupants hiding. Students run all over and there seems to be no one but him who knows what's happening.
Draco finds a large crowd in one of the main hallways and he spies the top of Weasley's head. He stops to see what they're doing. Besides it's on the way. Everyone is screaming.
"What is going on?" "Someone's attacking the school!" "What do we do?" "Where are the teachers?"
"They're probably trying to buy you time," Draco says and to his surprise the crowd turns toward him. He feels his sneer return as Potter shows up, like magic, forcing his way forward.
"Malfoy!"
He doesn't wait for the lecture instead he yells above the raised voices. "Get away from the front of the school. Find someplace out of the way and make sure you have an escape route before you go looking for the teachers. They may not be able to help you."
"You knew about this?" Potter accuses him and it's funny how he looks so shocked. Like he can't imagine Draco doing anything bad.
"You were waiting to kill us all!" the crowd screams and the students press forward but Potter pushes them back. "We don't have time for this!"
"He's not coming with us." "Let him rot!" Someone yells. Potter turns to defend him but Draco shrugs and walks away.
"Malfoy!"
"Don't bother with him Harry."
Draco turns to see Potter 's face twisted in disappointment. For some reason it makes him want to reassure.
"My father is waiting to kill me," he says instead.
They all pause at his words, and Draco is off and gone. He smiles as he runs down the hall, the sound of destruction growing louder.
For once Potter looked like he cared. A victory, if only this was about Potter at all, but Draco can't bring himself to pretend anymore.
It's always been about how little he mattered.
----
He's not expecting the attack. After walking empty hallways hearing a battle being fought yet seeing no one Draco let his guard down. His father's voice, so close to him is a shock.
"You were always a disappointment."
He turns to watch the curse it seems to take forever. When it hits him Draco remembers why he wanted to please his father. He's lying on the solid floor in an instant. He can feel something wet on the ground. He looks at it, and the blood is as red as the time Crabbe fell off his broom and hit his head. He panics, finding his eyes drawn to the bodies lining the hallway, hidden from the corridor. It's their blood on the ground. He knew who they were but their faces are twisted and they don't move. He stills. This is why he can't win: he's terrified.
The next curse that hits him causes stars to dance in his eyes and he feels himself falling again. Which is wrong considering he was already on the ground. Something breaks when he lands and the floor cushions his head with a sound he feels but doesn't hear.
He can't seem to move or breathe. Still, he can hear his father's footsteps. He makes himself look up at his father, noting the expression of disgust on a face so like his own. Draco smiles.
He never wins.
----
The End
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. (it's true)
Beta Readers: Hugs them all. I'm not sure what names you guys want me to use so I'll be safe and try the fanish ones first. Thanking 'chalkandcheese,' 'Saradas,' 'Scribewraith, and 'Dramagoddess2u' for the quick and insightful Betas. Although I'm sure in fixing all this stuff I've probably only made things worse. =D If you find anything or I've somehow forgotten someonejust let me know.
12/23/03
By: agentgrrrl (email: [email protected])
----
His father's shadow looms over him, offering no way out, no chance to think. He watches his father's lip curl into a sneer his wand still aimed with deadly precision. The white robes his father wears are stained the color of a pink sunset.
Blood runs into Draco's eyes and the pain of broken ribs on hard stone makes him dizzy. He lifts his head, defiant to the last. He's free: let everything else turn to dust.
Blood covers the ground and no one is going to care if he stops breathing. That almost makes him happy, almost makes it all worth it.
----
Draco has tried a million petty things to weave his life into others, needing something other than just his thoughts. Potter, Weasley, and Granger were always good for that. Plotting and scheming distract him from the future he can see looming.
He's never beaten Potter and his defeat helps to numb him to failure. Draco desperately needs to succeed, he strives, he schemes, and he struggles. Small triumphs easily overshadowed by large and destructive failures. Disappointment. Disdain. Won in hard fights.
His father hates failure and feels that it reflects poorly on them. It's the one thing they both agree on.
His father... his father treats Draco like a toy that he doesn't understand. A very expensive, embarrassing toy that needs to be broken to be fixed.
Potter grows tall like a weed, but Draco withers, revealing the ruin that's his true nature. Draco's fooled no one and everyone sees what he is. Even Potter thinks nothing of him. Draco fights him the hardest because at least the others envy his money and privilege.
Potter doesn't care if Draco falls off a cliff.
He wants to make Potter mad. He wants to have an effect, do something that will leave a mark, even if it only brings about hate. But no matter how angry Potter becomes, in the end, Draco has nothing.
Even when he wins he loses. Something always happens to strip away his success. Like his first year when Slytherin won their place at the top, with cunning and scheming, and even though they'd won, it was plucked out from under them.
He still feels the pain.
Then there are the other times where he wins and loses at the same time. Where every success against Potter, pushes his contentment further away. It's never enough. Winning against Potter and his friends is like being addicted to poison. Nothing less than destroying them will ever relieve this feeling of loathing. Nothing less than death.
It's like this with his father too.
----
Potter is taller than him now. Sometimes Draco thinks how pathetic it must look to everyone when he bullies him. That also makes him angry.
Draco knows this year is all he'll have left. So he makes the most of it, taking his joy and frustrations out on the people around him. When Potter calls him on it, he laughs and not even Potter's disdain stops it.
Potter might question Draco's sanity but he shrugs it off. Why worry when the future is sure to be so short?
----
Draco no longer follows his father's demands when he gets the letters. So he watches as the other Slytherins pack their bags. They glance at him lying on his bed but he just waves as they leave.
They're all gone in the morning and he burns the letter in the common room fire before he goes to breakfast. It refuses to catch fire, for a second, before disappearing like it never existed.
It's all too appropriate.
----
Everyone stares when Draco enters the hall. He sneers and takes his seat at the empty Slytherin table. There are empty seats at other tables, even Gryffindor. However, he's sitting alone.
Potter still stares at him even when the rest of the room goes back to whispering. Draco eats a little and wonders how this day will go without his housemates. Still, the quiet table is worth whatever pain the other student's plan. The people who always watch out for him are gone; he might as well have painted a bull's-eye on his back.
Dumbledore rises at the end of the meal and tells everyone there will be no classes today. No one cheers and it makes Draco smile.
He follows the old man to his office when he's asked.
----
Potter and his friends take to following him with alternating faces of hate and puzzlement. Which is not so bad because they seem to warn people away. Still Draco would rather be beaten than be bored.
Draco ends up in classes with the Gryffindors where it's much easier for everyone to keep an eye on him. They want to know why he's still here but they never ask and he doesn't offer.
It's all very boring. He doesn't mind. He only has a few more days. His father was very specific in his threats and Draco already told Dumbledore everything. No one's going to miss him.
----
Potter, though, isn't letting it go. If Draco had known that doing something unexpected would have this effect he would have done it years ago.
Potter shows up one night while Draco is lying in bed reading. He walks right into his room in the Slytherin dorms and waits. Draco looks over at him and goes back to reading. He's found that indifference makes Potter uneasy.
It doesn't take long for Potter to get antsy and when he grabs the book from Draco's hands it's no surprise.
"What do you want Potter?"
Potter looks unsure, as if he doesn't know why he's here. Draco knows what that feels like, but he doesn't tell Potter that. He's not feeling charitable right now, since Potter has his book.
"Why didn't you go with the others?" Potter asks.
"I didn't feel like it."
Potter just stares and Draco turns on his side, resting his head on his arm. He can feel Potter's confusion and he'd like to answer him honestly but he's never been very open and he doesn't plan to start now. Besides this is Potter. Draco doesn't think he could understand.
His reasons are his own and he'd rather not admit that failing is the only thing that makes him feel worthwhile.
Draco always thought being the center of attention was what he wanted and he can't deny that he likes it. But he'd rather fight and scheme and plot than just have everything handed to him. Potter made him work to be important and so far he's never succeeded.
He'd rather prove himself, than fight a war he cares nothing about for his father's pride. This, he thinks, is something he wants to win even if he never will.
Potter discards the book and grabs him, pulling him up so that they're face to face.
"This isn't a game!"
"Are you so sure of that?"
"Whatever you're planning--" a narrowing of his eyes follow this accusation and Draco's laughter stops Potter before he can truly get going.
"I'm not planning anything." He pushes Potter away. "Go and ask Dumbledore."
There's a grudging admission in Potter's eyes. "He told us about your decision..."
"Well, isn't that nice. Is that why I've got my own set of reluctant bodyguards? No wonder things have been so boring as of late. I was hoping for one last brawl to round out my experience at Hogwarts."
"Why do this now?"
"What Potter? Was it supposed to wait? Would this have been more convenient later? Sorry, but the world still doesn't revolve around you."
Potter grabs him again and there is that moment where he wonders why he can't take Potter seriously. Draco amuses himself watching the muscle jump on Potter's jaw, as the Gryffindor grapples him. Antagonizing Potter was always more fun without an audience watching.
Potter releases Draco and stalks out of the room. He watches the door for a moment and then retrieves his book from the ground. Draco wonders what this visit says about Potter's priorities and he finds he doesn't much care for that line of thought.
----
He doesn't question it when Hogwarts shakes the next morning. It signals the end to this false calm. He dresses to the sound of straining stone. Dust is knocked from the cracks in the ceiling. They're only a day or two early.
It doesn't take long to leave the Slytherin dungeons for the last time.
The teachers are absent and Draco doesn't want to examine why he keeps looking for Potter in this mess. Stones fall from the walls and ceilings, the portraits are empty, their occupants hiding. Students run all over and there seems to be no one but him who knows what's happening.
Draco finds a large crowd in one of the main hallways and he spies the top of Weasley's head. He stops to see what they're doing. Besides it's on the way. Everyone is screaming.
"What is going on?" "Someone's attacking the school!" "What do we do?" "Where are the teachers?"
"They're probably trying to buy you time," Draco says and to his surprise the crowd turns toward him. He feels his sneer return as Potter shows up, like magic, forcing his way forward.
"Malfoy!"
He doesn't wait for the lecture instead he yells above the raised voices. "Get away from the front of the school. Find someplace out of the way and make sure you have an escape route before you go looking for the teachers. They may not be able to help you."
"You knew about this?" Potter accuses him and it's funny how he looks so shocked. Like he can't imagine Draco doing anything bad.
"You were waiting to kill us all!" the crowd screams and the students press forward but Potter pushes them back. "We don't have time for this!"
"He's not coming with us." "Let him rot!" Someone yells. Potter turns to defend him but Draco shrugs and walks away.
"Malfoy!"
"Don't bother with him Harry."
Draco turns to see Potter 's face twisted in disappointment. For some reason it makes him want to reassure.
"My father is waiting to kill me," he says instead.
They all pause at his words, and Draco is off and gone. He smiles as he runs down the hall, the sound of destruction growing louder.
For once Potter looked like he cared. A victory, if only this was about Potter at all, but Draco can't bring himself to pretend anymore.
It's always been about how little he mattered.
----
He's not expecting the attack. After walking empty hallways hearing a battle being fought yet seeing no one Draco let his guard down. His father's voice, so close to him is a shock.
"You were always a disappointment."
He turns to watch the curse it seems to take forever. When it hits him Draco remembers why he wanted to please his father. He's lying on the solid floor in an instant. He can feel something wet on the ground. He looks at it, and the blood is as red as the time Crabbe fell off his broom and hit his head. He panics, finding his eyes drawn to the bodies lining the hallway, hidden from the corridor. It's their blood on the ground. He knew who they were but their faces are twisted and they don't move. He stills. This is why he can't win: he's terrified.
The next curse that hits him causes stars to dance in his eyes and he feels himself falling again. Which is wrong considering he was already on the ground. Something breaks when he lands and the floor cushions his head with a sound he feels but doesn't hear.
He can't seem to move or breathe. Still, he can hear his father's footsteps. He makes himself look up at his father, noting the expression of disgust on a face so like his own. Draco smiles.
He never wins.
----
The End
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. (it's true)