Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
by Susan Owens
Copyright 2002
Rated: PG
Summary: Sequel: takes place directly after the events in "Sometimes It Ain't
Easy".
Xena came out with Eve a few minutes later. She saw that Gabrielle was already
mounted on Amber with a distant look on her face. "Gabrielle, are you sure
you're okay?"
"I'm fine, Xena. Look, if Joxer wants to leave, I can't stop him," Gabrielle
replied.
Xena shook her head and sighed. "Gabrielle, please go after him. You know you
have to."
Gabrielle's face grew stubborn. "No, Xena! He's the one who left. Besides, he
said he'd be back and he will. He always keeps his promises."
Xena nodded and mounted Argo, Eve chattering to herself in the papoose strapped
on her back. "Yeah, you're right. He always does."
Three weeks later in another town, a man quietly made his way through it, hiding
his face underneath the hood of his gray cloak so no one could recognize him. As
he entered a tavern, he sat down at a corner table, opened a small pouch and
admired the contents inside. "Ah, my fine pretty ruby, you're going to make me
rich!" he chuckled softly to himself.
"Hello Autolycus," a raspy voice growled in his ear.
Startled at first, the King of Thieves slowly raised his head to see who he
originally thought was The King of Assassins staring down at him. Autolycus'
eyes narrowed as he looked more closely at the lean figure standing before him
and wondered what in Tartarus Joxer was up to. Hmm, I better play along to see
where this goes, he thought to himself. "Jett! Ah well, hi! Long time no see!
So, you managed to get out of Maramis, huh? How've you been, buddy?" he laughed.
"First of all, I'm not your buddy," 'Jett' stared at Autolycus with venom in his
eyes. "And second of all... GAK!" he stopped talking when Autolycus grabbed him
by the throat. "You're... choking... me... Leggo... AGH!"
"I'll more than choke you, you moron! What's the big idea anyway?" Autolycus
growled.
"Let go," wheezed Joxer, "and I'll tell you!"
Autolycus released his grip. "All right, you idiot! This better be a good one!"
Joxer gasped for breath and plunked down next to the thief. "I figure since I'm
on my own now, this would be a great way to protect myself," he said when he
could speak in a normal voice again.
"It's a great way to get yourself killed, you nincompoop!" Autolycus sneered and
then stared at him, puzzled. "Whoa, wait a second! Whaddya mean, 'on your own?'
In what sense of the word?"
Joxer looked down at his boots, shamefaced. "I left Xena and Gabrielle three
weeks ago."
"So, what's the big deal with that? You've left them before and came back."
"I know, but this time it's different. I mean... I will go back someday. I just
don't know when..."
Autolycus sat at the table stroking his chin and wondered what had happened to
make Joxer feel he had to stay away from Xena and... "So, what did she do to you
this time?"
Joxer waved his hand in an "it's not important" gesture. "It's water under the
bridge now. But until I'm ready to face Gabrielle again, I have to do something
to protect myself."
"And pretending to be Jett does this?" Autolycus asked skeptically.
"Yeah, it does. I fooled you!"
"Uh no, you didn't. Hate to burst your bubble, but I knew it was you all the
time, little buddy," Autolycus told him.
"Yeah, right!" Joxer pointed his finger in Autolycus' face. "You were scared and
you know you were, admit it!"
Autolycus slapped Joxer's finger away. "Don't you know it's bad manners to
point? I was just going along with you."
Joxer looked disappointed. "You really knew it was me and not Jett?"
Auto nodded. "Yup."
Joxer slumped in his seat. "How? I thought I had the voice down good."
"It wasn't the voice. It was the way you held yourself."
Joxer looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Joxer, you and Jett may look alike, but it ends there. Jett has confidence and
you don't. Jett holds his head high. You don't."
"Okay, okay! I get the picture! Don't rub it in," Joxer said with a scowl.
Autolycus held up his hands. "Wait. I have one more thing to say. You are a
caring man. Jett is not."
"That's where you're wrong, Autolycus. Jett is kind! You just have to dig for
it, that's all."
"With what? A steam shovel?"
"A what?"
"Never mind," Autolycus rolled his eyes.
"Well, look at it this way. You're still alive," Joxer pointed out.
"That's because Xena came," Autolycus snapped.
Joxer snorted. "You wish! Jett had plenty of time to kill you and you know it!"
"Yeah, well... I guess being your friend saved me, heh."
"Maybe, but then again he might have liked you a little bit."
"Whatever... Now will you drop the bad imitation assassin impression and get rid
of those clothes?"
Joxer shook his head. "I can't. I burned my other clothes," he said.
"Your armor?"
"I still have it in my backpack."
"Okay, keep it in there and let's get you some new clothes."
"I don't have any dinars."
"Fine! I'll get you some. Not a problem!" Autolycus grinned.
"Autolycus, don't steal them!"
The King of Thieves got up and pulled Joxer to his feet roughly. "I'll get them
any way I want to. Now, let's go."
"The warlord charged Xena as she whipped out her... No, no, no! That sounds
terrible! It doesn't work!" Gabrielle tore up the scroll and screamed in
frustration. "I'll never get this to sound right!"
"Maybe you should stop for a while. You've been at it for hours."
Gabrielle swung around angrily, "Mind your own business, Joxer!"
"Joxer?" Xena laughed as she held Eve to her face and spoke to her in a
high-pitched voice. "Hey Evie! Guess what, your Auntie Gabrielle misses your
Uncle Joxer! Yes, she does! Yes, she does!" Eve began giggling.
"I don't miss Joxer," snapped Gabrielle.
Xena shook her head and wrinkled her nose. "Nah... Of course you don't miss him.
Nope, not one bit. You've just been calling me Joxer all morning, not to mention
all day yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and..."
"Okay, Xena! Knock it off. I guess I do miss him," Gabrielle admitted.
"You guess?" teased Xena.
"All right, I miss him, Xena. I miss him so much."
"Good, then let's go find him."
"Find him? You know where he is?"
"He might be in town. Why don't you go and see?"
Gabrielle sighed, "I don't know if I should. I'm scared... Have I really blown
it this time, Xena?"
"You have to figure that one out for yourself, Gabrielle," Xena replied softly.
"I can't tell you what to think."
Gabrielle nodded and rose to her feet. "Thanks. Xena, do you mind if I go by
myself?"
"Eve and I will be waiting right here for the both of you to return."
Xena watched Gabrielle ride off and then with Eve firmly strapped to her back,
mounted Argo. "I think we better get to town before Gabrielle does, not that I
don't trust her to do the right thing but you know her temper, huh sweetie?" Eve
squealed with delight and Xena chuckled, taking a shortcut into town.
Autolycus looked down at Joxer's sleeping form and shook his head, seeing that
his friend was exhausted. "Time for me to make tracks, warrior chum. And don't
worry, I returned that ruby - " he sighed at the loss of the gem. "Used part of
the reward money to get you your clothes. If I happen to run into Xena and
Blondie, I'll tell them you're fine. The things I do!" Autolycus slowly placed
the blanket up on Joxer so he would not be cold and left the room, closing the
door quietly behind him. He came downstairs and gave the innkeeper a note. "Give
this to my friend in the morning. Here's something for your trouble and the
rent." He placed a bag of coins on a table and left.
The innkeeper counted the coins and called back, "I will, sir!"
Autolycus walked down the road with mixed feelings. "Hey, knock it off! It's for
the best. He'd only slow you down... He'll be fine..." he reassured himself
uncertainly.
"Who'll be fine? Autolycus, do you know where Joxer is?" Xena's voice
interrupted his spoken thoughts.
The King of Thieves looked up to see Xena staring down at him with a very intent
look on her face, Eve perched behind her, burbling to herself. He gave her his
best grin. "Hi Xena! Hey, I was just looking for you! Joxer's fine... Well,
maybe not fine, but he's okay."
Xena reached down and grabbed The King of Thieves by his shirt collar. "What do
you mean, he's not fine? Is he hurt and you left him alone?"
Autolycus gulped loudly and shook his head, brown eyes wide. "No! It's not
physical, just inside. What happened between him and the Gabster?"
Xena let go of his shirt and he breathed in relief. "It's a long story, but
Joxer saved her life and she belted him one."
Autolycus shook his head. "What am I missing here?"
"Never mind! Where did you leave him at?"
"In town."
"Fine, then we're going to get him."
"Now wait just a minute, sister! I did enough for him - had to turn in this ruby
I found so I could get him new clothes," Autolycus protested.
Xena's eyebrow rose. "You found?" she asked dryly.
"Yeah, I found it and paid for a room. I did my good deed for the day. I'm done
babysitting him, so now it's your turn! He's staying at the inn in town. Now if
you don't mind, I have things to do!"
Xena smiled. "Thanks for babysitting him, Autolycus. I'll recommend you to all
my friends."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go take care of the dork, will ya?" Autolycus waved as
he walked down the road and disappeared into the woods.
Xena chuckled as she watched him leave, sighed and was about to urge Argo
forward when Aphrodite appeared. Xena instinctively reached for her chakram.
"Yo, cool your jets, Warrior Chick! You know I won't hurt Eve. Hey there, cutie!
Oooo, you're getting so big! Oh yes you are!" Eve giggled in response.
"What do you want, Aphrodite?" Xena sighed, rolling her eyes but secretly amused
at the goddess' behavior.
"The same thing you want: to get Blondie and Studmuffin together. I've got the
most tubular plan! You talk to Miss Bard and try to knock some sense into her -
well, not literally. I think she's okay and all that but she like really bugs me
with her I'm So Perfect attitude sometimes and I'll talk to Studmuffin. I put a
teeny-weeny spell on the townsfolk so if she asks anyone if they've seen my boy
Joxer, they'll say no. Don't want to make it too easy for her, 'cuz I'm so not
happy with her right now and I might do something that I might regret later if I
see her..." She paused for a moment to catch her breath. "Look, just get her to
the stables in the morning. It'll work because I'm the Duke of Earl... I mean,
Goddess of Love..." she giggled.
Duke of Earl? Hoo boy, someone's been overdosing on Love Potion Number IX
again... Xena placed her hands on her hips. "Before you do anything else, start
talking about what you're planning to do," she said. "And it better not involve
any bells or you'll be getting a free haircut!" She placed her hand next to her
chakram for emphasis.
"Jeez, like all right already! Has anybody ever told you that you have some
really severe trust issues that you so need to get over?" The Goddess of Love
rolled her eyes and sighed but told Xena her plan. Xena smiled in approval when
the goddess finished talking. "Cool! Catch ya later!" Aphrodite giggled, tossed
her curls, snapped her fingers and vanished.
Joxer got up, yawned, and looked around, realizing that it was late in the
morning. "I must have slept in - better go see what Auto's doing." Joxer quickly
got dressed, went downstairs, and began to look for Autolycus.
"Hey, you looking for that guy you came in with last night?" the innkeeper
called out. Joxer turned around and nodded. "He left early this morning and left
you this note." The innkeeper handed Joxer a note.
Joxer opened it up slowly and read: "Sorry little buddy, but you slow me down. I
need to be on my own. Please understand, it's not that I dislike you, but in my
line of work I just don't need a tag-a-long..."
There was more to the note, but Joxer crumpled it up and walked away, eventually
finding himself in a small, wooded area. He had felt his whole life rip away
from him the moment he read that note. Slowly, he took out his sword and looked
at it for a long time, watching the way the blade flashed in the sunlight as he
turned it back and forth. Gabrielle...
He shook his head ferociously, trying to shake the beautiful bard's image away
from his mind. I'm just a moron to her - and everybody else that's had the
misfortune of meeting me thinks the same thing. Let's face it, Joxer. You're a
loser, he thought to himself morbidly. Deliberately, he knelt down on the ground
and plunged his sword handle into it, making sure the hilt was steady. He stood
up, closed his eyes and allowed his body to fall forward...
Joxer fell face-first onto the ground, limbs akimbo with a loud thud. I should
be dead... He felt something tickling him. He raised himself carefully off the
ground, eyes widening when he saw a large feather where his sword should have
been. "What the! Hey, who did that?"
A flash of pink light appeared, followed by the Goddess of Love. "Like I'm going
to let you kill yourself! Wrong! Don't think so, Studmuffin. What's got you in
such a funk that you wanna off yourself, huh?"
"You have no right to stop me, and stop calling me that! I'm not a studmuffin.
I'm nothing but a loser, a dork, a moron..."
"OOOOOO! Such harsh words! You really know how to turn a girl on! Look sweet
cheeks, I'm not going to let you do the big bad on yourself, so like put a sock
in it already!"
That was too much for Joxer to take and he began to cry. "Aw, Studmuffin!" she
crooned. She pulled him to her so that his head landed right between her
breasts. He was so upset that his brain didn't comprehend just where his head
was lying as he wept.
"I just want it to end… I can't take it any more... What's wrong with me? Why
doesn't anybody love me?" he sniffled between sobs.
"Shhh! It's okay, Studmuffin," Aphrodite whispered, stroking his hair as he
continued crying. The two stayed that way for several minutes until Aphrodite
cleared her throat uncomfortably. "Uh, Studmuffin?" There was no response from
him. "Yo, babe! I just took a shower an hour ago!"
Joxer looked up then, suddenly realizing just where his head was and blushed
furiously. "Sorry," he muttered, quickly moving away from her. He wiped his eyes
with the back of his hand and stared down at the ground.
"Aw, no sweat, sweet cheeks," Aphrodite giggled. "By the way, newsflash for ya!
There's a certain warrior princess who cares about you a lot and her baby who
thinks you're the best thing since sliced nutbread! And what about your
brothers? What are they, chopped liver, hmmm?" She wrinkled her nose and
shuddered. "Chopped liver... EWWW!" She cleared her throat and tapped her
slippered foot on the ground. "And that's just for starters..." Her blue eyes
glistened as she held a perfectly manicured hand up for inspection. "'Sides, it
just so happens I know someone who loves you so much that it hurts her inside."
Joxer looked up at that. "You do?" he sniffled.
"Ex-squeeze me! Are you like saying I don't know my business?" She placed her
hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Well, I never! I'm out of here." She
started to snap her fingers when Joxer held up his hands.
"No! I didn't mean to question you. Please don't go," he said.
A blonde eyebrow rose. "Well okay, but watch it next time!" Aphrodite wrinkled
her nose. "Where was I? Oh yeah! Now, your true love is in the stables. Go to
her, Studmuffin."
"How will I know it's her?"
Aphrodite winked. "You will. Don't you worry your poor little head about it!
Just trust me with this one, Studmuffin," and at that she was gone.
Gabrielle was exhausted. She had looked everywhere for Joxer, but nobody had
seen him. Xena had been wrong; he wasn't here. She walked back to the inn,
feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders. When she went inside, she
spotted Xena sitting at a table, attempting to feed Eve some mashed up
vegetables and went to her with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Xena! He's not here!
Joxer's never coming back and I don't blame him. I hurt him too much."
Xena looked up from feeding Eve, her eyes focusing lazily on the bard as she
placed the wooden spoon on the dish of food. "Gabrielle, maybe you should forget
about Joxer," she said huskily. She lifted up a mug of mulled cider to her lips
and took a huge swallow from it.
"What do you mean, forget about him?" Gabrielle looked down at her friend,
astonished at what she was hearing.
Xena plunked her mug on the table with a loud thump. "Well, he's certainly not
your true love. After all, he's nothing but an annoyance to you. Face it
Gabrielle, you're better off without him tagging around."
"That's not true!" Gabrielle shouted, realized where they were and colored
slightly before continuing in a tiny voice. "But he is..."
Xena fixed her with 'the look.' "Is he?"
"I thin... Oh, I don't know!" Xena continued staring at her friend with a
slightly bored look on her face. "Damn it, I can't lie about how I feel anymore!
Yes, I love him. That's why Hagar looked like him in my dream."
"You sure?" Xena asked dryly.
"Yes, I'm sure," Gabrielle answered, her eyes boring into Xena's.
Xena rewarded her with a tiny smile. "Good." She paused before continuing. "I
know where he is."
Gabrielle grabbed Xena and shook her. "Where? Tell me where he is!"
"Go get Amber and I'll take you to him," Xena replied. She shook her head,
amused, as Gabrielle raced down the road towards the stables.
The Goddess of Love appeared. "OOOO, she grabbed you! About time the Clueless
One finally got it, huh?"
"Yes, it's about time. Did you do your part?"
Aphrodite pouted, "Yeah I did! Sheesh, what kind of Goddess of Love do you think
I am? It's just as well I found him too..." Xena looked at her, not
understanding what she meant. "Can't get into it right now, but let's just say
it would have been total Angst City for the Wonder Bard. Studmuffin's on his way
to the stables right now to get a little surprise. OOO, let's go watch the
action!" And with those words, she touched Xena on the shoulder and she
transported Xena and Eve to the stables before Xena could make any objections.
Joxer looked down at the ground and saw that the feather had transformed back
into his sword. He lifted it up and stuck it into his scabbard. He walked down
to the stables, went inside and saw the figure of a woman brushing her horse,
but he couldn't see who it was because she was standing in the shadows. "Hello?"
he called out softly.
The woman turned around and Joxer's eyes widened in shock when she moved into
the light. "Joxer!" Gabrielle flew across the stable and into his arms. "I
missed you so much. Why didn't you come back?"
Joxer pulled away from her and held her firmly away at arms' length. "I needed
time, Gabrielle. I needed to be on my own. I needed to think, to clear my head,
and around you I can't."
Gabrielle looked at him. She could tell by his eyes that he was still hurting
and guilt overwhelmed her. "Gods, Joxer. I missed you. It hurt so bad inside,
not seeing you. Every village we'd go to I'd be looking and hoping to see you
there. Gods, I was such a fool!"
"Glad to see you admit it," Joxer replied with a bitter note in his voice.
Gabrielle nodded slowly. "I deserved that. I was so blind. Why didn't I see it?"
"What do you mean? See what?"
"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. It's been here all the time
and I couldn't see the forest for the trees."
"Huh?"
"Oh Joxer, I love you. Please come back with me."
"I don't know, Gabrielle. Why should I, only to be abused by you again when you
feel I 'deserve' it? No thanks!"
"Joxer, please! I promise I won't ever hurt you again."
"Gabrielle, don't make promises you can't keep!"
Aphrodite looked at Xena with a worried frown on her face. "I better fix this,"
she said.
"No, don't! Let them work it out for themselves. They won't appreciate it, and
Joxer will never believe that Gabrielle's love is true if you interfere," Xena
warned.
"Hmph! Oh, all right!" scowled the Goddess of Love. "But one ear pull, and I'll
have to resort to drastic measures..."
"Aphrodite..."
"What?"
"Take a chill pill."
Aphrodite giggled. "You know, you actually have a sense of humor!" Xena growled
under her breath and glared at her. Aphrodite's amusement increased tenfold.
"Oh, don't worry, warrior babe! I won't wreck your badass rep and tell
anyone..." she gasped between giggles.
Gabrielle started crying at his words. Joxer immediately felt awful because he
made her upset and took her into his arms. "Don't cry, Gabrielle. It's okay."
Gabrielle wrenched away from him. "Damn it, Joxer! It's not okay! I have no
right to treat you like you're less than human and you don't have to take it!
You deserve better than that." Gabrielle pulled him down and kissed him so
passionately that he was dizzy by the time she let go. "I never want you to
leave again unless you have to for some reason," she whispered. She paused for a
moment and looked into his eyes, reaching out to brush a lock of hair away from
his forehead. "I'm so sorry, Joxer. Please forgive me." Joxer was too speechless
to say anything, so he just nodded, tears welling in his eyes. Gabrielle kissed
him again. "I love you, Joxer. Say you love me too, please." Joxer looked at
her, but words still would not come. Instead, he pulled her down into the hay
and kissed her warmly.
Outside the stable, two figures and one very happy baby watched the couple.
"Well, it worked."
The Goddess of Love squealed happily, jumping up and down in excitement. "I just
love a happy ending!"
"Oh, and Aphrodite?"
"Yeah?"
"Nice job."
Aphrodite's face lit up. "Thanks! Well, I'm off! Gotta catch some totally groovy
waves at Naxos and all that!" At that, she snapped her fingers and vanished.
Xena watched her leave with a small smile on her face, then turned to her
friends and cleared her throat loudly. "Okay, you two! It's time to go," she
called out with a growl in her voice, but she was smiling broadly at them.
They both looked up in surprise at the sound of her voice. Gabrielle grinned
unrepentantly and brushed the hay from her skirt as they rose to a sitting
position. "Xena! Couldn't you have waited? You knew that I was coming back."
Xena smiled. "Sorry. What can I say? Eve missed her uncle." She turned her head
in Eve's direction. "Didn't you, Eve?" She then knelt down and turned around so
that Eve faced Joxer.
Eve giggled and held out her arms to Joxer, who eagerly took her from Xena and
kissed her gently on the forehead. "Hey, Evie! I missed you too." Eve let out a
loud burp and settled her head on Joxer's shoulder. "Gee, thanks a lot," he
chuckled.
Gabrielle and Xena smiled. "Welcome back, Joxer."
"Thanks, Xena."
Joxer turned back to Gabrielle. "Gabrielle, can I give you something? I just
have to get my stuff. I'll be right back," he promised.
"Sure, Joxer."
Joxer gave Eve back to Xena and walked outside. He returned a short time later,
carrying his backpack over his shoulder. He dropped it on the ground, knelt down
and searched through his backpack for a couple of minutes while they watched him
curiously. He frowned when he couldn't find what he was looking for. "I must had
sold it for supplies a long time ago. It was a ring from my grandmother. She
said that I was supposed to give it to my one true love," he looked absolutely
miserable and sighed.
"I think I have something to wear that I'd like much better." Gabrielle went
into her saddlebag and took out a white pouch and gave it to Joxer. "Joxer, will
you please put this on me?"
Joxer opened the bag and took out the necklace he had bought Gabrielle two years
ago. "You kept this?" he whispered, wide-eyed with astonishment.
"Yeah, I did." She knelt down before him so he could put it around her neck.
Joxer smiled and put it on her. He nuzzled the nape of her neck and murmured, "I
love you, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle smiled and looked down at the necklace. "Joxer, I never noticed how
beautiful it was until now." She turned around and kissed him. "I love you."
"Joxer, where's your armor?" Xena asked curiously after the kiss ended and the
two were able to catch their breath again. "I like the new clothes, though."
Joxer smiled, reached over and pulled out a frying pan from his backpack. "My
armor finally serves a great purpose. Anybody hungry?" The three friends began
laughing.
The End
COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Eve, Aphrodite, Autolycus, and
all characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles
and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance
Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing
of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2002 by Susan Owens and is her
sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for
profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and
must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Return to the Archives
by Susan Owens
Copyright 2002
Rated: PG
Summary: Sequel: takes place directly after the events in "Sometimes It Ain't
Easy".
Xena came out with Eve a few minutes later. She saw that Gabrielle was already
mounted on Amber with a distant look on her face. "Gabrielle, are you sure
you're okay?"
"I'm fine, Xena. Look, if Joxer wants to leave, I can't stop him," Gabrielle
replied.
Xena shook her head and sighed. "Gabrielle, please go after him. You know you
have to."
Gabrielle's face grew stubborn. "No, Xena! He's the one who left. Besides, he
said he'd be back and he will. He always keeps his promises."
Xena nodded and mounted Argo, Eve chattering to herself in the papoose strapped
on her back. "Yeah, you're right. He always does."
Three weeks later in another town, a man quietly made his way through it, hiding
his face underneath the hood of his gray cloak so no one could recognize him. As
he entered a tavern, he sat down at a corner table, opened a small pouch and
admired the contents inside. "Ah, my fine pretty ruby, you're going to make me
rich!" he chuckled softly to himself.
"Hello Autolycus," a raspy voice growled in his ear.
Startled at first, the King of Thieves slowly raised his head to see who he
originally thought was The King of Assassins staring down at him. Autolycus'
eyes narrowed as he looked more closely at the lean figure standing before him
and wondered what in Tartarus Joxer was up to. Hmm, I better play along to see
where this goes, he thought to himself. "Jett! Ah well, hi! Long time no see!
So, you managed to get out of Maramis, huh? How've you been, buddy?" he laughed.
"First of all, I'm not your buddy," 'Jett' stared at Autolycus with venom in his
eyes. "And second of all... GAK!" he stopped talking when Autolycus grabbed him
by the throat. "You're... choking... me... Leggo... AGH!"
"I'll more than choke you, you moron! What's the big idea anyway?" Autolycus
growled.
"Let go," wheezed Joxer, "and I'll tell you!"
Autolycus released his grip. "All right, you idiot! This better be a good one!"
Joxer gasped for breath and plunked down next to the thief. "I figure since I'm
on my own now, this would be a great way to protect myself," he said when he
could speak in a normal voice again.
"It's a great way to get yourself killed, you nincompoop!" Autolycus sneered and
then stared at him, puzzled. "Whoa, wait a second! Whaddya mean, 'on your own?'
In what sense of the word?"
Joxer looked down at his boots, shamefaced. "I left Xena and Gabrielle three
weeks ago."
"So, what's the big deal with that? You've left them before and came back."
"I know, but this time it's different. I mean... I will go back someday. I just
don't know when..."
Autolycus sat at the table stroking his chin and wondered what had happened to
make Joxer feel he had to stay away from Xena and... "So, what did she do to you
this time?"
Joxer waved his hand in an "it's not important" gesture. "It's water under the
bridge now. But until I'm ready to face Gabrielle again, I have to do something
to protect myself."
"And pretending to be Jett does this?" Autolycus asked skeptically.
"Yeah, it does. I fooled you!"
"Uh no, you didn't. Hate to burst your bubble, but I knew it was you all the
time, little buddy," Autolycus told him.
"Yeah, right!" Joxer pointed his finger in Autolycus' face. "You were scared and
you know you were, admit it!"
Autolycus slapped Joxer's finger away. "Don't you know it's bad manners to
point? I was just going along with you."
Joxer looked disappointed. "You really knew it was me and not Jett?"
Auto nodded. "Yup."
Joxer slumped in his seat. "How? I thought I had the voice down good."
"It wasn't the voice. It was the way you held yourself."
Joxer looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Joxer, you and Jett may look alike, but it ends there. Jett has confidence and
you don't. Jett holds his head high. You don't."
"Okay, okay! I get the picture! Don't rub it in," Joxer said with a scowl.
Autolycus held up his hands. "Wait. I have one more thing to say. You are a
caring man. Jett is not."
"That's where you're wrong, Autolycus. Jett is kind! You just have to dig for
it, that's all."
"With what? A steam shovel?"
"A what?"
"Never mind," Autolycus rolled his eyes.
"Well, look at it this way. You're still alive," Joxer pointed out.
"That's because Xena came," Autolycus snapped.
Joxer snorted. "You wish! Jett had plenty of time to kill you and you know it!"
"Yeah, well... I guess being your friend saved me, heh."
"Maybe, but then again he might have liked you a little bit."
"Whatever... Now will you drop the bad imitation assassin impression and get rid
of those clothes?"
Joxer shook his head. "I can't. I burned my other clothes," he said.
"Your armor?"
"I still have it in my backpack."
"Okay, keep it in there and let's get you some new clothes."
"I don't have any dinars."
"Fine! I'll get you some. Not a problem!" Autolycus grinned.
"Autolycus, don't steal them!"
The King of Thieves got up and pulled Joxer to his feet roughly. "I'll get them
any way I want to. Now, let's go."
"The warlord charged Xena as she whipped out her... No, no, no! That sounds
terrible! It doesn't work!" Gabrielle tore up the scroll and screamed in
frustration. "I'll never get this to sound right!"
"Maybe you should stop for a while. You've been at it for hours."
Gabrielle swung around angrily, "Mind your own business, Joxer!"
"Joxer?" Xena laughed as she held Eve to her face and spoke to her in a
high-pitched voice. "Hey Evie! Guess what, your Auntie Gabrielle misses your
Uncle Joxer! Yes, she does! Yes, she does!" Eve began giggling.
"I don't miss Joxer," snapped Gabrielle.
Xena shook her head and wrinkled her nose. "Nah... Of course you don't miss him.
Nope, not one bit. You've just been calling me Joxer all morning, not to mention
all day yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and..."
"Okay, Xena! Knock it off. I guess I do miss him," Gabrielle admitted.
"You guess?" teased Xena.
"All right, I miss him, Xena. I miss him so much."
"Good, then let's go find him."
"Find him? You know where he is?"
"He might be in town. Why don't you go and see?"
Gabrielle sighed, "I don't know if I should. I'm scared... Have I really blown
it this time, Xena?"
"You have to figure that one out for yourself, Gabrielle," Xena replied softly.
"I can't tell you what to think."
Gabrielle nodded and rose to her feet. "Thanks. Xena, do you mind if I go by
myself?"
"Eve and I will be waiting right here for the both of you to return."
Xena watched Gabrielle ride off and then with Eve firmly strapped to her back,
mounted Argo. "I think we better get to town before Gabrielle does, not that I
don't trust her to do the right thing but you know her temper, huh sweetie?" Eve
squealed with delight and Xena chuckled, taking a shortcut into town.
Autolycus looked down at Joxer's sleeping form and shook his head, seeing that
his friend was exhausted. "Time for me to make tracks, warrior chum. And don't
worry, I returned that ruby - " he sighed at the loss of the gem. "Used part of
the reward money to get you your clothes. If I happen to run into Xena and
Blondie, I'll tell them you're fine. The things I do!" Autolycus slowly placed
the blanket up on Joxer so he would not be cold and left the room, closing the
door quietly behind him. He came downstairs and gave the innkeeper a note. "Give
this to my friend in the morning. Here's something for your trouble and the
rent." He placed a bag of coins on a table and left.
The innkeeper counted the coins and called back, "I will, sir!"
Autolycus walked down the road with mixed feelings. "Hey, knock it off! It's for
the best. He'd only slow you down... He'll be fine..." he reassured himself
uncertainly.
"Who'll be fine? Autolycus, do you know where Joxer is?" Xena's voice
interrupted his spoken thoughts.
The King of Thieves looked up to see Xena staring down at him with a very intent
look on her face, Eve perched behind her, burbling to herself. He gave her his
best grin. "Hi Xena! Hey, I was just looking for you! Joxer's fine... Well,
maybe not fine, but he's okay."
Xena reached down and grabbed The King of Thieves by his shirt collar. "What do
you mean, he's not fine? Is he hurt and you left him alone?"
Autolycus gulped loudly and shook his head, brown eyes wide. "No! It's not
physical, just inside. What happened between him and the Gabster?"
Xena let go of his shirt and he breathed in relief. "It's a long story, but
Joxer saved her life and she belted him one."
Autolycus shook his head. "What am I missing here?"
"Never mind! Where did you leave him at?"
"In town."
"Fine, then we're going to get him."
"Now wait just a minute, sister! I did enough for him - had to turn in this ruby
I found so I could get him new clothes," Autolycus protested.
Xena's eyebrow rose. "You found?" she asked dryly.
"Yeah, I found it and paid for a room. I did my good deed for the day. I'm done
babysitting him, so now it's your turn! He's staying at the inn in town. Now if
you don't mind, I have things to do!"
Xena smiled. "Thanks for babysitting him, Autolycus. I'll recommend you to all
my friends."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go take care of the dork, will ya?" Autolycus waved as
he walked down the road and disappeared into the woods.
Xena chuckled as she watched him leave, sighed and was about to urge Argo
forward when Aphrodite appeared. Xena instinctively reached for her chakram.
"Yo, cool your jets, Warrior Chick! You know I won't hurt Eve. Hey there, cutie!
Oooo, you're getting so big! Oh yes you are!" Eve giggled in response.
"What do you want, Aphrodite?" Xena sighed, rolling her eyes but secretly amused
at the goddess' behavior.
"The same thing you want: to get Blondie and Studmuffin together. I've got the
most tubular plan! You talk to Miss Bard and try to knock some sense into her -
well, not literally. I think she's okay and all that but she like really bugs me
with her I'm So Perfect attitude sometimes and I'll talk to Studmuffin. I put a
teeny-weeny spell on the townsfolk so if she asks anyone if they've seen my boy
Joxer, they'll say no. Don't want to make it too easy for her, 'cuz I'm so not
happy with her right now and I might do something that I might regret later if I
see her..." She paused for a moment to catch her breath. "Look, just get her to
the stables in the morning. It'll work because I'm the Duke of Earl... I mean,
Goddess of Love..." she giggled.
Duke of Earl? Hoo boy, someone's been overdosing on Love Potion Number IX
again... Xena placed her hands on her hips. "Before you do anything else, start
talking about what you're planning to do," she said. "And it better not involve
any bells or you'll be getting a free haircut!" She placed her hand next to her
chakram for emphasis.
"Jeez, like all right already! Has anybody ever told you that you have some
really severe trust issues that you so need to get over?" The Goddess of Love
rolled her eyes and sighed but told Xena her plan. Xena smiled in approval when
the goddess finished talking. "Cool! Catch ya later!" Aphrodite giggled, tossed
her curls, snapped her fingers and vanished.
Joxer got up, yawned, and looked around, realizing that it was late in the
morning. "I must have slept in - better go see what Auto's doing." Joxer quickly
got dressed, went downstairs, and began to look for Autolycus.
"Hey, you looking for that guy you came in with last night?" the innkeeper
called out. Joxer turned around and nodded. "He left early this morning and left
you this note." The innkeeper handed Joxer a note.
Joxer opened it up slowly and read: "Sorry little buddy, but you slow me down. I
need to be on my own. Please understand, it's not that I dislike you, but in my
line of work I just don't need a tag-a-long..."
There was more to the note, but Joxer crumpled it up and walked away, eventually
finding himself in a small, wooded area. He had felt his whole life rip away
from him the moment he read that note. Slowly, he took out his sword and looked
at it for a long time, watching the way the blade flashed in the sunlight as he
turned it back and forth. Gabrielle...
He shook his head ferociously, trying to shake the beautiful bard's image away
from his mind. I'm just a moron to her - and everybody else that's had the
misfortune of meeting me thinks the same thing. Let's face it, Joxer. You're a
loser, he thought to himself morbidly. Deliberately, he knelt down on the ground
and plunged his sword handle into it, making sure the hilt was steady. He stood
up, closed his eyes and allowed his body to fall forward...
Joxer fell face-first onto the ground, limbs akimbo with a loud thud. I should
be dead... He felt something tickling him. He raised himself carefully off the
ground, eyes widening when he saw a large feather where his sword should have
been. "What the! Hey, who did that?"
A flash of pink light appeared, followed by the Goddess of Love. "Like I'm going
to let you kill yourself! Wrong! Don't think so, Studmuffin. What's got you in
such a funk that you wanna off yourself, huh?"
"You have no right to stop me, and stop calling me that! I'm not a studmuffin.
I'm nothing but a loser, a dork, a moron..."
"OOOOOO! Such harsh words! You really know how to turn a girl on! Look sweet
cheeks, I'm not going to let you do the big bad on yourself, so like put a sock
in it already!"
That was too much for Joxer to take and he began to cry. "Aw, Studmuffin!" she
crooned. She pulled him to her so that his head landed right between her
breasts. He was so upset that his brain didn't comprehend just where his head
was lying as he wept.
"I just want it to end… I can't take it any more... What's wrong with me? Why
doesn't anybody love me?" he sniffled between sobs.
"Shhh! It's okay, Studmuffin," Aphrodite whispered, stroking his hair as he
continued crying. The two stayed that way for several minutes until Aphrodite
cleared her throat uncomfortably. "Uh, Studmuffin?" There was no response from
him. "Yo, babe! I just took a shower an hour ago!"
Joxer looked up then, suddenly realizing just where his head was and blushed
furiously. "Sorry," he muttered, quickly moving away from her. He wiped his eyes
with the back of his hand and stared down at the ground.
"Aw, no sweat, sweet cheeks," Aphrodite giggled. "By the way, newsflash for ya!
There's a certain warrior princess who cares about you a lot and her baby who
thinks you're the best thing since sliced nutbread! And what about your
brothers? What are they, chopped liver, hmmm?" She wrinkled her nose and
shuddered. "Chopped liver... EWWW!" She cleared her throat and tapped her
slippered foot on the ground. "And that's just for starters..." Her blue eyes
glistened as she held a perfectly manicured hand up for inspection. "'Sides, it
just so happens I know someone who loves you so much that it hurts her inside."
Joxer looked up at that. "You do?" he sniffled.
"Ex-squeeze me! Are you like saying I don't know my business?" She placed her
hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Well, I never! I'm out of here." She
started to snap her fingers when Joxer held up his hands.
"No! I didn't mean to question you. Please don't go," he said.
A blonde eyebrow rose. "Well okay, but watch it next time!" Aphrodite wrinkled
her nose. "Where was I? Oh yeah! Now, your true love is in the stables. Go to
her, Studmuffin."
"How will I know it's her?"
Aphrodite winked. "You will. Don't you worry your poor little head about it!
Just trust me with this one, Studmuffin," and at that she was gone.
Gabrielle was exhausted. She had looked everywhere for Joxer, but nobody had
seen him. Xena had been wrong; he wasn't here. She walked back to the inn,
feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders. When she went inside, she
spotted Xena sitting at a table, attempting to feed Eve some mashed up
vegetables and went to her with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Xena! He's not here!
Joxer's never coming back and I don't blame him. I hurt him too much."
Xena looked up from feeding Eve, her eyes focusing lazily on the bard as she
placed the wooden spoon on the dish of food. "Gabrielle, maybe you should forget
about Joxer," she said huskily. She lifted up a mug of mulled cider to her lips
and took a huge swallow from it.
"What do you mean, forget about him?" Gabrielle looked down at her friend,
astonished at what she was hearing.
Xena plunked her mug on the table with a loud thump. "Well, he's certainly not
your true love. After all, he's nothing but an annoyance to you. Face it
Gabrielle, you're better off without him tagging around."
"That's not true!" Gabrielle shouted, realized where they were and colored
slightly before continuing in a tiny voice. "But he is..."
Xena fixed her with 'the look.' "Is he?"
"I thin... Oh, I don't know!" Xena continued staring at her friend with a
slightly bored look on her face. "Damn it, I can't lie about how I feel anymore!
Yes, I love him. That's why Hagar looked like him in my dream."
"You sure?" Xena asked dryly.
"Yes, I'm sure," Gabrielle answered, her eyes boring into Xena's.
Xena rewarded her with a tiny smile. "Good." She paused before continuing. "I
know where he is."
Gabrielle grabbed Xena and shook her. "Where? Tell me where he is!"
"Go get Amber and I'll take you to him," Xena replied. She shook her head,
amused, as Gabrielle raced down the road towards the stables.
The Goddess of Love appeared. "OOOO, she grabbed you! About time the Clueless
One finally got it, huh?"
"Yes, it's about time. Did you do your part?"
Aphrodite pouted, "Yeah I did! Sheesh, what kind of Goddess of Love do you think
I am? It's just as well I found him too..." Xena looked at her, not
understanding what she meant. "Can't get into it right now, but let's just say
it would have been total Angst City for the Wonder Bard. Studmuffin's on his way
to the stables right now to get a little surprise. OOO, let's go watch the
action!" And with those words, she touched Xena on the shoulder and she
transported Xena and Eve to the stables before Xena could make any objections.
Joxer looked down at the ground and saw that the feather had transformed back
into his sword. He lifted it up and stuck it into his scabbard. He walked down
to the stables, went inside and saw the figure of a woman brushing her horse,
but he couldn't see who it was because she was standing in the shadows. "Hello?"
he called out softly.
The woman turned around and Joxer's eyes widened in shock when she moved into
the light. "Joxer!" Gabrielle flew across the stable and into his arms. "I
missed you so much. Why didn't you come back?"
Joxer pulled away from her and held her firmly away at arms' length. "I needed
time, Gabrielle. I needed to be on my own. I needed to think, to clear my head,
and around you I can't."
Gabrielle looked at him. She could tell by his eyes that he was still hurting
and guilt overwhelmed her. "Gods, Joxer. I missed you. It hurt so bad inside,
not seeing you. Every village we'd go to I'd be looking and hoping to see you
there. Gods, I was such a fool!"
"Glad to see you admit it," Joxer replied with a bitter note in his voice.
Gabrielle nodded slowly. "I deserved that. I was so blind. Why didn't I see it?"
"What do you mean? See what?"
"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. It's been here all the time
and I couldn't see the forest for the trees."
"Huh?"
"Oh Joxer, I love you. Please come back with me."
"I don't know, Gabrielle. Why should I, only to be abused by you again when you
feel I 'deserve' it? No thanks!"
"Joxer, please! I promise I won't ever hurt you again."
"Gabrielle, don't make promises you can't keep!"
Aphrodite looked at Xena with a worried frown on her face. "I better fix this,"
she said.
"No, don't! Let them work it out for themselves. They won't appreciate it, and
Joxer will never believe that Gabrielle's love is true if you interfere," Xena
warned.
"Hmph! Oh, all right!" scowled the Goddess of Love. "But one ear pull, and I'll
have to resort to drastic measures..."
"Aphrodite..."
"What?"
"Take a chill pill."
Aphrodite giggled. "You know, you actually have a sense of humor!" Xena growled
under her breath and glared at her. Aphrodite's amusement increased tenfold.
"Oh, don't worry, warrior babe! I won't wreck your badass rep and tell
anyone..." she gasped between giggles.
Gabrielle started crying at his words. Joxer immediately felt awful because he
made her upset and took her into his arms. "Don't cry, Gabrielle. It's okay."
Gabrielle wrenched away from him. "Damn it, Joxer! It's not okay! I have no
right to treat you like you're less than human and you don't have to take it!
You deserve better than that." Gabrielle pulled him down and kissed him so
passionately that he was dizzy by the time she let go. "I never want you to
leave again unless you have to for some reason," she whispered. She paused for a
moment and looked into his eyes, reaching out to brush a lock of hair away from
his forehead. "I'm so sorry, Joxer. Please forgive me." Joxer was too speechless
to say anything, so he just nodded, tears welling in his eyes. Gabrielle kissed
him again. "I love you, Joxer. Say you love me too, please." Joxer looked at
her, but words still would not come. Instead, he pulled her down into the hay
and kissed her warmly.
Outside the stable, two figures and one very happy baby watched the couple.
"Well, it worked."
The Goddess of Love squealed happily, jumping up and down in excitement. "I just
love a happy ending!"
"Oh, and Aphrodite?"
"Yeah?"
"Nice job."
Aphrodite's face lit up. "Thanks! Well, I'm off! Gotta catch some totally groovy
waves at Naxos and all that!" At that, she snapped her fingers and vanished.
Xena watched her leave with a small smile on her face, then turned to her
friends and cleared her throat loudly. "Okay, you two! It's time to go," she
called out with a growl in her voice, but she was smiling broadly at them.
They both looked up in surprise at the sound of her voice. Gabrielle grinned
unrepentantly and brushed the hay from her skirt as they rose to a sitting
position. "Xena! Couldn't you have waited? You knew that I was coming back."
Xena smiled. "Sorry. What can I say? Eve missed her uncle." She turned her head
in Eve's direction. "Didn't you, Eve?" She then knelt down and turned around so
that Eve faced Joxer.
Eve giggled and held out her arms to Joxer, who eagerly took her from Xena and
kissed her gently on the forehead. "Hey, Evie! I missed you too." Eve let out a
loud burp and settled her head on Joxer's shoulder. "Gee, thanks a lot," he
chuckled.
Gabrielle and Xena smiled. "Welcome back, Joxer."
"Thanks, Xena."
Joxer turned back to Gabrielle. "Gabrielle, can I give you something? I just
have to get my stuff. I'll be right back," he promised.
"Sure, Joxer."
Joxer gave Eve back to Xena and walked outside. He returned a short time later,
carrying his backpack over his shoulder. He dropped it on the ground, knelt down
and searched through his backpack for a couple of minutes while they watched him
curiously. He frowned when he couldn't find what he was looking for. "I must had
sold it for supplies a long time ago. It was a ring from my grandmother. She
said that I was supposed to give it to my one true love," he looked absolutely
miserable and sighed.
"I think I have something to wear that I'd like much better." Gabrielle went
into her saddlebag and took out a white pouch and gave it to Joxer. "Joxer, will
you please put this on me?"
Joxer opened the bag and took out the necklace he had bought Gabrielle two years
ago. "You kept this?" he whispered, wide-eyed with astonishment.
"Yeah, I did." She knelt down before him so he could put it around her neck.
Joxer smiled and put it on her. He nuzzled the nape of her neck and murmured, "I
love you, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle smiled and looked down at the necklace. "Joxer, I never noticed how
beautiful it was until now." She turned around and kissed him. "I love you."
"Joxer, where's your armor?" Xena asked curiously after the kiss ended and the
two were able to catch their breath again. "I like the new clothes, though."
Joxer smiled, reached over and pulled out a frying pan from his backpack. "My
armor finally serves a great purpose. Anybody hungry?" The three friends began
laughing.
The End
COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Eve, Aphrodite, Autolycus, and
all characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles
and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance
Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing
of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2002 by Susan Owens and is her
sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for
profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and
must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
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