Title:
Hogwarts Sex Ed.
Rating: PG-13, for obvious
reasons.
Warnings: Sexual language, slash (implied)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry
Potter. All characters belong to J.K.
Rowling.
Notes: I'm just making up the
name of the DADA teacher. Also, if this
goes over well, I might do a second chapter that has Harry and everyone taking
Sex ed. ^__^
Summary : The Marauder's and everyone else in their
year are taking a Defense Against the Dark Arts class to learn Sex Ed. as
instructed by Dumbledore. Remus and
Peter aren't sure that Sex Ed is such a good idea, especially with Sirius in
the room. ¬¬ Takes place during their
fifth year.
Chapter One: The Marauder's take Sex Ed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter walked down the hallway to their Defense
Against the Dark Arts classroom. They
didn't need their books, quills, or parchment paper. According to the professor, they were having
a special class, where all they would have to do is listen and participate.
Remus and Peter already figured that the day could only end in disaster. With the way Sirius was, they figured that he
was going to find a way to make the class go wrong.
"I wonder what today's class is going to be about?" Peter asked.
"I don't know. But if we don't need our
books, then I'm happy," Sirius said.
"I'll agree to that!" James said with a smile.
"I just hope you two don't do anything stupid," Remus said, glancing at James
and Sirius.
"What makes you think we'd do something stupid, Moony?!" Sirius asked,
completely serious.
"Hm, let's see, there was the time you let the dung bombs off during
Transfiguration. Then there was the time you turned Snape into a slug during
potions. Then, there was the time you
poisoned the entire Slytherin team after they beat you and James in Quidditch,"
Remus listed off the stupid pranks Sirius and James had done.
"Okay, Moony, we get the point," James stated, waving Remus off. They Marauder's entered the classroom and
took their usual seats.
"Hey! Don't blame the slug thing on me! I just turned that slimy git into what
he truly is, a slug," Sirius said in the defense.
"Does that mean I can turn you into a dog, Black?" Severus Snape asked from
behind Sirius.
"No, Snape, it does not mean you can turn me into a dog, because I am nothing
like a dog, you worm," Sirius turned and faced Snape. "You really should get all the slug goo from
your hair."
"It is all out of my hair, Black." Snape stated. When the professor entered the room, Snape
went and took his seat with the rest of the Slytherins.
"Welcome class," Said Professor Patterson. "Today, we're doing something
different. Today, instead of learning
ways to defend ourselves against the dark arts, we are going to learn a muggle
course called Sex Ed," He stated.
"Yes!" James and Sirius cheered. Remus
and Peter tried to hide their faces, pretending to not know the two boys next
to them. Some of the class cheered,
while some of them groaned. Being in
their fifth year, some of the students had long since know what sex was, and some
of even had it.
"Now, I know some of you already know about sex and what happens, but teachers
are being told by Dumbledore to teach this to their class," Patterson
explained.
"So, this means, that we'll be allowed to use terms that we normally would get
in trouble for using?" Sirius asked gleefully.
"Yes, Sirius," Patterson answered.
"So, we can say penis, and vagina, and there's nothing you can do about it?"
James piped up. A few people in the
classroom sniggered.
"Yes, James," Patterson deadpanned.
"Brilliant!" Both boys shouted.
Professor Patterson was about to begin, but Peter raised his hand. "Professor Patterson, do we have to be here
for this?" Peter asked.
"Yes, Peter, you do have to be here for this," The professor answered.
Groaning, Remus and Peter banged their heads against the wood table. "What? Are
two Gryffindor's scared to take Sex ed.?" Lucius Malfoy questioned.
Remus turned in his chair, staring at Lucius. "With James and Sirius in the
room, you should be scared." He growled, then turned back around.
"Well, without anymore interruptions, everyone is to take one of these
pamphlets, and is too follow along," Patterson said, giving a pile of papers to
a blonde haired girl who sat in the front row.
She took one, and passed it to the person next to her. "Now, once everyone has one, you may look
through it and laugh at the pictures and terms, because once I start, if I hear
any laughing, giggling, or sniggering, I will deduct five points each
time."
It took a few minutes before everyone had one of the little booklets. Once Sirius had his, he was already looking
through it. James had done the
same. Remus took the pile, took a
booklet, and passed it to Peter. Peter
took one and passed it on. Both boys
stared at the booklet, fearing that if they got too close, it would bit
them.
Laughing loudly, Sirius leaned over to Remus, "Hey Moony, do you have testis?"
He asked, still laughing.
Remus' eyes widened and he blushed furiously. "Sirius!" He glared at Sirius, who was leaning against
James, both of them laughing like no tomorrow.
Remus buried his head in his arm.
"Wormtail, I don't think we'll make it through this."
"Somehow, I think you're right," Peter agreed.
After the class had calmed down from their laughing, Professor Patterson began
the class. "Okay, now if you'll turn to
the first page, we will go over the male reproductive organs." He waited a few
seconds for everyone to get back to the first page. Reluctantly, Peter and Remus opened the
pamphlet. "Now, the external
reproductive organ is the penis..." Patterson barely had the word from his
mouth before the entire class, sans Remus and Peter, had broken into laughter.
"Okay, I can see why the girl would be laughing, but why are the guys?" Peter
questioned. "I mean, I'm sure they've
gone through puberty, and have pulled a Sirius once or twice during the
night." Peter was referring to Sirius'
habit of masturbating when everyone was asleep.
"They may have gone through puberty, but that doesn't do anything for maturity
levels," Remus stated. Everyone listened
as Patterson finished his explanation of the male reproductive organs, then the
female reproductive organs. ((A/N: I really don't feel like listing everything,
and I'm sure most of the people out there have gone through Sex Ed.
themselves.))
It had taken Professor Patterson fifteen minutes to explain ever organ and what
it did. After the third laughing break,
he truly did start deducting points, so everyone held in their laughter. Every once and a while, Remus could hear
Sirius making a lewd joke to James, and then both of them going into a
sniggering fit.
"Okay, now that we've gotten though—what is it Sirius?" Patterson half glared
at Sirius.
"Sir is this the point where you tell us what actually
happens during sex?" Sirius asked, trying with all his might not to laugh.
"You're a stupid prat," Remus muttered.
Patterson sighed, "That is what you're supposed to be learning, although I have
no doubt you already know what happens during sex," He stated. Sirius grinned. "Now, before we get to Mr. Black's favorite
part of today, how can tell me how you know when a man is aroused?"
"Easy, they hit on any girl in sight," Answered a Slytherin girl.
"No, not even close," Patterson said. "Anyone else?"
"Ask Black, he'll know," Regulus said from the back of the room.
"Of course I do!" Sirius said with a grin.
"They have a hard-on!"
Patterson's head dropped. "Well, that's one term for it. Now, does anyone know the technical term for
it?"
"A raging hard-on?" Sirius said hopefully. Next to him, Remus was silently
banging his head against the table, and Peter was blushing furiously. One the
other side of Sirius, James had buried his head into his arm, trying to keep
himself from laughing.
"No, Sirius," Patterson muttered.
"A boner?"
"No."
"Then what is it called?!" Sirius asked.
"It's called an erection you stupid git!" Remus bellowed. When everyone in the room stared at him, he
blushed and buried his head into his arms, resting them on the table.
"Wow, Remmie, I didn't think you had it in you," James commented.
"Mr. Lupin—"
"May I please be excused Professor?!" Remus asked before Professor Patterson
could finish.
"Go ahead, Remus," The professor said with a sigh. Remus stood, grabbed his bag, and left the
room, the Slytherins sniggering as he left.
"Now, since Mr. Lupin has been so informative, who can tell me what
causes an erection in a guy?"
"A really hot girl!" James stated.
"Or guy..." Sirius muttered under his breath.
"Very good James," Patterson said, not hearing Sirius. The professor looked at the clock on the
wall. "Well, that's all there is for
today. We'll pick it up here again
tomorrow. Class dismissed."
James, Sirius, and Peter left the room.
Sirius and James were still laughing about what happened during the
class. "Oh man, did you see the girls
faces when Professor Patterson was explaining the organs?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah, not like I could tell them apart though," James stated. "They all looked like cherries!" He said,
laughing again.
"Hey Black!" Sirius turned around, coming face to face with Snape. "Tell your friend Remus I enjoyed his show
today," He said with a sneer.
"Well, I'm sure he's glad you did.
Because now, you at least know about something you'll never have,"
Sirius said with a grin, and walked away, leaving a fuming Snape. The three Marauder's headed back to the
Gryffindor tower.
"Remus, you in here?" Peter asked when they entered the boys' dormitory.
"I'm over here," Remus muttered from his bed, the curtains drawn shut.
"You okay, Remus?" James asked, walking into the room.
"Yeah, fine," Remus mumbled.
"Why did you leave so quickly?" Sirius asked.
Remus opened the curtains, and stared at Sirius. "What do you think? You rattled off different names to say a guy
is aroused, and yet you didn't know the technical term for it, and it was your
massive stupidity that made me shout it for the whole classroom to hear."
"Aww, I'm sorry Moony," Sirius said, sitting down next to him.
"Don't worry about it Padfoot. I just
had to get out of that room," Remus stated.
"We understand," Peter said. "Now, lets go, it's time for lunch."
"That's something I'd expect from Sirius," James stated. Laughing, Remus and
Sirius got off the bed. Together, the four
Marauder's headed out of the dorm for lunch.