Disclaimer- If owned these characters, Tom and B'Elanna would have seen sense a lot quicker than they did!

A/N- The lyrics in this fic are from Even in Death by Evanescence. They're the bits in the *s.

The Reality of the Decision

I've tried to tell myself it's for the greater good. I've tried to fool myself, like I've fooled others. But I suppose I know myself too well. It's never worked.


*Give me a reason to believe that you're gone,
I see you're shadow so I know they're all wrong,
Moonlight on the soft brown earth,
It leads me to where you lay,
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home*


No matter what I say, no matter how many other people I make believe, I know why I really want to go back. I don't know as I really care if it actually works or not. I need to see him. I could never tell him before. At first it was because of the prevalent them and us' attitude, and, of course, Mark. Later it was because it would be a breach of protocol for me to fraternise with a subordinate. But all that stopped mattering after the reality of our situation had fully taken hold of all the crew.

I revelled in the friendship that grew between us. Maybe I was scared of upsetting that. We even went on a few double dates with Tom and B'Elanna, usually after they had just had an argument, but that's not the point. The point is I was willing to do it in the sprit of helping a friend, or just in fun, but I was never able to make it serious.

And I regret that. Everyday.


*I will stay forever here with you,
My love,
The softly spoken words you gave me,
Even in death our love goes on*


I suddenly realised he was falling for her. Very suddenly. I saw him talking with her, and it struck me that there was a tone in his voice I had heard before. Then I realised I'd only ever heard it when he was talking to me. Next time we spoke, that tone was gone. Then I knew I'd missed my chance.

To think that I held back at first. I simply wouldn't tell him. If I had had any idea, just the remotest inkling that it would get to the point where I couldn't tell him, I think I would have made a ship wide announcement of the fact, then and there.

But it passed. For some reason I think I always expected him to always be waiting. I can't believe now how cruel it must have seemed to him, to anyone who noticed; accepting his attentions as far as it suited me, and giving him nothing much of anything in return.

There are times when I'm sure that his attentions towards her was just his way of trying to force me to act. Then I'll smile, and tell myself not to be so bigheaded. It's times like that tears fill my eyes, and I lie about dust to hide my true feelings. To hide from the reality of my mistake.


*Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love,
But no bonds can hold me from your side,
They don't know you can't leave me,
They don't hear you singing to me*


And now I've found a way to maybe change that. A chance to undo my mistake. A chance to make it right. Only problem is, I'm not sure what is right anymore. Should I just get my crew home? Or should I try to warn myself I'll lose him if I'm not more careful?

I made it a life goal to avoid time-travel, and now I'm willingly initiating it. At least every other time I've known why I was jumping through years. Now, I try to say it's for the good of everyone, the crew, their families, but, through all my excuses, another reason plagues me. Maybe my only real reason is just to help myself. Maybe, the reality of my decision is not so selfless as I'd like to make out.


*I will stay forever here with you,
My love,
The softly spoken words you gave me,
Even in death our love goes on

And I can't love you, anymore than I do*