AN: This _was_ going to be for the Disney Parody Fic Contest being held at
the SasuNaru_Writers Yahoo group, so you probably already know that this is
going to be SasuNaru, with a hint of GaaraNaru (if you want to acknowledge
it), and some KakaIru. I doubt anyone will like it, but, whatever. *shrugs*
This is a parody and slightly AU. If you've read the manga, you know why.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Sleeping Beauty.
Dedicated to: SasuNaru fans, and especially Shibarania, for hounding me to get this out. Happy belated birthday to you! ^^
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The Hideous Insomniac: A Sleeping Beauty Parody
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Naruto took one look at the cover page and blanched. In an angry huff, he threw the thick booklet to the ground and crossed his arms. "I refuse! No way in hell am I playing that!"
The Third Hokage sighed and smoothed out a few wrinkles from his clothes. He bent down and picked up the papers, making sure none of the pieces were loose. "Naruto, I'm sure Iruka has told you the reasons why we're doing this."
"Yes, but there's no explanation for why _this_," Naruto grabbed the booklet from the Hokage's hand and shook it for emphasis, "Is my role!"
The Third closed his eyes. Why was he stuck telling Naruto this? Damn his subordinates. He was sure he had picked the longest straw.
"Your team leader, Kakashi, volunteered you for the position."
"But why _me_?!" Naruto hollered, still not believing his luck. When he found out that he was having a part in the play, he was overjoyed. Now he wasn't so sure. Another sigh escaped the old man's lips.
"It's because you're blond."
"Eh? What does that have to do with anything?! Ino's blond _and_ a girl!"
"Precisely. It's the fact that she's a _girl_ that she is inappropriate for this position."
"...Huh?"
"Do you think any girl in this village would have mercy on someone who got a kiss from their beloved Sasuke?"
"No, but -- WHAT?! Are you saying --?!"
"That is correct. Uchiha Sasuke is the prince."
Naruto screamed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto dragged his feet from the Hokage's office. After several threats of deportation from their village head, Naruto reluctantly agreed to play the princess in the production of Sleeping Beauty. The play was to be done in joint with the Sand Village to lower some of the tension between the former enemies.
"So how'd it go?" Shikamaru lazily drawled. He pushed himself off the wall he was leaning on and walked toward the crestfallen boy. One look at the script in Naruto's hand and he was suddenly thankful for his part.
Naruto scowled at the question. Not only was he pissed off about having to play a girl, but he was going to be kissed by _Sasuke_ nonetheless. Shikamaru chuckled at Naruto's expression and got a booklet in the face.
"Ow. What was that for?"
"You know damn well what that was for, don't deny it!"
Shikamaru shrugged. Arguing with Naruto was too bothersome, so he just dropped it.
"So who are you being?" Naruto asked.
"Me? I'm the court jester." The jester had surprisingly few lines compared to the princess, but it wasn't the memorization that bothered him. No, it was the fact that anyone playing the princess was bound to be mauled on many occasions by raving fangirls. After all, Sasuke _was_ the prince. It was a given.
"Shikamaru, I'll trade with you, _please_?! I'll bleach your hair for you, be your slave for a week, _anything_!" Naruto clutched onto the genius's arm and pleaded, not caring that he was getting funny looks from other people in the hallway. Shikamaru pulled his arm away and frowned.
"Absolutely not. Having to hide from Sasuke-fanatics for a month? It's too much trouble."
"C'mon, I'll do anything!"
"No."
"Please?! I'm begging you!"
"Why don't you just switch with one of the girls? I'm sure they'd be happy to trade."
"The Hokage said he'd kick me out of the village if I let a girl play the part."
"I don't think he can do that." Shikamaru said, scratching at his chin.
"I don't know, he seemed pretty serious to me." Naruto shrugged.
"Sorry, but I still can't help you. Why don't you try asking someone else?"
If Shikamaru turned him down, who else could he count on? Naruto fell to his knees and pulled at his hair. Something smacked him in the face and he instinctively caught it before it fell. It was the script. He looked up and saw Shikamaru walking away from him. The newly made chuunin stopped and looked over his shoulder.
"Good luck, Naruto, you're going to need it. Oh, and don't forget, practice is tomorrow." He waved. "Bye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto flipped through the script while walking to the academy. Practices were to be held in the auditorium every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening from 7:00 to 8:30, for the next month. "Stupid play, stupid part, stupid --!" He ran into someone and fell to the ground. "Hey! Watch where you're going!"
"I believe you should watch where _you_ are going," a cold voice said. Naruto shot daggers at the stranger before finally recognizing who it was. He immediately jumped to his feet in a fighting pose.
"Eh, what are _you_ doing here?!"
Gaara of the Sand stood before him. Behind the red head were his siblings, Temari and Kankuro. Naruto looked at each of them and glared. Nonchalant looks were given in return and Naruto's patience wore off. He launched himself at Gaara, confident that he could defeat the boy that Sasuke beat in the Chuunin exams.
Naruto found himself with a face full of sand a moment later.
"Argh, my eyes! It stings! It's cutting my eyes!!!" Naruto stupidly rubbed at his eyes, trying to get rid of the sand but only managing to irritate them even more. "It _burns_!!!"
Gaara suppressed the urge to snicker at the scene in front of him. To think, the boy who defeated a Hyuuga was taken out by a few grains of sand! Gaara looked behind him and saw that Kankuro was gaping with a look of bewilderment on his face while Temari rolled her eyes in mild annoyance. Suddenly, he was knocked over.
Naruto was now using Gaara's shawl to rub at his eyes. Gaara's two siblings wore equal expressions of shock and confusion. Why hadn't the sand protected their younger brother during the attack? Gaara was completely stunned with his current position. Never in his life had he ever thought he would be lying on his back while some freak sat on him.
"Get _off_ of me," Gaara said in the deadliest voice he could muster. The only reaction he got were more screams of agony from the distressed blond. Why wasn't his built-in sand mechanism working?
"It went up my nose, too!" This statement was proceeded with Naruto making the shawl into his personal handkerchief. Gaara grimaced in disgust, displaying the first non-neutral expression since his arrival in the Leaf Village. He quickly punched the other boy hard, sending him flying away a good four feet.
"I'm definitely getting this dry-cleaned," said Gaara to no one in particular. He took the shawl off and held it away from his body. Wet marks could be seen from where Naruto blew his nose. He threw the article of clothing at Kankuro and dusted his hands off. His attention was once again drawn to the Leaf genin who was clutching at a bleeding nose.
"Although I probably would've done the exact same thing if it were me in your situation, I think you could've used a little less force," said a figure in the shade of a nearby building. Out stepped Sasuke from the shadows, giving his I-Saw-Everything-You-Did-But-Decided- Not-To-Get- Involved-Until-The-Very-End look. "There was no need to make the idiot bleed."
"Sasuke, is that you? Agh, I can't see! Bastard! I'll get you for that comment!" Of course, with his nose being pinched to prevent loss of blood, it came out sound, "Sasuge, ib dabt you? Agh, I canpt seeb! Batharb! I'ld gep you furb dabt commemd!"
Sasuke held in his exasperated sigh and went to help the bumbling blond up before he made an even bigger fool of himself. He glared at the Sand genin as he walked past, making sure to add a slight look of superiority just to piss him off. It worked out well enough.
Gaara's right eye twitched upon the sight of the Uchiha boy. Ever since the bitter loss at the Chuunin Exams, Gaara was fixated on training to completely destroy Sasuke in their next meeting. Unfortunately, he was here as a representative of his village, so he was ordered to stay out of trouble. Sand particles that were originally in the air dropped to the ground as he remembered this important detail.
Sasuke slapped Naruto's hand away from his eyes and reprimanded him for picking a fight with their co-actors.
"WHAT?! (Wabt?!)" Gaara and Naruto said in unison. "I'm working with _him_?! (Imb workimb wip _himb_?!)" Gaara pointed at the raven-haired boy while Naruto pointed at Gaara, or at least he thought he was. He ended up pointing a bloody finger at a lamp post instead.
"You didn't know?" Sasuke asked, adding fake surprise in his voice. When he heard no reply, he continued, "Our villages _are_ working together for a reason. Both villages get to place a few of their shinobi as actors in a play. The Hokage and Kazekage asked their ministers and it was decided that we will be performing a classic fairy-tale love story, 'Sleeping Beauty' -- "
"But I thought we were going to be the directors!" Temari interrupted. Kankuro added a "Yeah!" and Gaara looked down-right pissed. They were tricked into coming here! Gaara had the sudden urge to hurt something. Badly. Temari and Kankuro edged away from their psychotic brother.
"Well, what can you do about it? Orders are orders, whether we like them or not. Naruto, stop rubbing your eyes. You're making it worse, dumbass." Sasuke slapped Naruto's hand away again, adding a smack to the head to make his point.
"Shub dup."
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"Welcome, welcome! Please be seated. Alright, everyone, I hope you all know each other fairly well. Everyone here will be working very hard together to make this production a huge success!" Iruka's jubilant greeting was met with silence. The newly appointed director frowned at the lack of reaction from his former students and the extra Sand genin.
"Don't worry if they're not as _enthused_ as you are, Iruka, dear. It won't prevent you from making this the best inter-village play ever!" Kakashi said, clapping a hand on the other teacher's shoulder. He was the costume designer and in charge of giving support to their brilliant director, who was known for his passive character (except when dealing with Naruto). Iruka blushed and gave his silver-haired friend a nervous smile.
"I guess you're right," Iruka said with a nod. He turned to the group of genin (and one chuunin) and asked, "Does everyone know who they are playing?" He looked around the room to see everyone with a script out and ready. Well, almost everyone. Naruto was red-eyed and flicking wads of paper at people. The ones from the Sand Village just sat with bored expressions, except for Gaara. He was staring off into the distance with a contemplative look on his face. The director felt unnerved with this and cleared his throat. A tap on the back switched his attention onto Kakashi. "What is it?"
"We have the scripts for the Sand-nins at the Hokage's office. Let me go get them. You keep the kiddies entertained while I'm gone," the Copy- Ninja said and disappeared. Once he left, the room erupted into chatter. After a few failed attempts to quiet down the children, Iruka gave up.
"Who are you going to be?" Ino asked Sakura. The pink-haired girl glared at her rival for Sasuke's affection.
"What's it to you?" Sakura asked back, not really paying much attention. She was listening for whomever was the princess to say who she was. Practically all the girls in the room, except for Hinata, were straining their ears to find out who the 'lucky someone' was. Though it wasn't officially announced, they were 100% certain that Sasuke would be playing the prince.
"Are you the princess?"
"No, are you?"
"No, do you know who is?"
"If I did, would I be asking you?!"
"I don't know, why don't you tell me?!"
Before a fight could break loose, Shikamaru, being the only rookie chuunin in the cast, stepped in. "Now, girls, why don't you save this frustration for when you find the person who's playing the princess?" Immediately the two arguing girls stopped and looked at him. Ino was the first to speak.
"You know, Shikamaru, you're absolutely right. I need the energy to give this girl --"
"Or boy --"
"-- A piece of my mind when I find her!"
"Or him --"
"Hell yeah!" Sakura chimed in. Shikamaru gave Naruto a quick wink and went back to his seat beside his friend who was currently eating a jumbo bag of chips. Naruto paled and crept away from the group of excited girls, towards the stoic Sands. He bumped into someone.
"This is the _third_ time today," Gaara said in a flat voice. He hid his surprise and annoyance for being shaken from his musings. He had just been thinking about why the sand was failing him when Naruto suddenly jolted him out of his reverie.
Naruto, not really caring who he was speaking to, said, "You have to help. They're going to murder me once they find out."
"Find out what?" Gaara asked, genuinely curious. The fear evident in the other boy's eyes piqued his interest.
"Man, oh man, they're going to kill me..." Naruto continued to mutter incoherently. Gaara leaned in farther to get a better listen.
"I'm a dead man once they figure out that I'm the princess..." Naruto mumbled quietly. Gaara, shocked and somewhat disturbed with his findings, blurted out:
"You're the _princess_?!"
Heads whipped in their general direction so fast that it was a miracle they were still on. The girls were scanning the area for who Gaara could've been talking about and were confused when they didn't see a girl by him. Temari, also interested by who would be the princess, took a look around. She was smart and perceptive, a lot of people would say, so she took everything into consideration.
The nervousness Naruto displayed, the hints that the princess could be male Shikamaru gave, and now with Naruto almost cowering behind her little brother -- it all pointed to one thing: Naruto was the princess. She was about to announce it when someone pointed at her and screamed, "It must be her! She was closest to the boy when he said it!"
Temari's eyes widened and she shook her head. Before she could say anything, the group of Sasuke fangirls pounced on her.
"You're so lucky!"
"I wish I were you!"
"Sasuke-kun is _mine_, so don't you dare lay a finger on him!"
"How could someone from the Sand be the princess?!"
"Look at this, her figure is completely incorrect for the princess!"
"It should've been me!"
"No, me!"
Naruto used this diversion to get away from danger. He crawled away and made his way to the door. Right when he was about to open it, it slid open itself and revealed Kakashi holding a box.
"Oh, Naruto! A _princess_ shouldn't be crawling around on the _floor_!" Kakashi said loud enough for the entire room to hear. Naruto inwardly cursed his instructor and slowly turned around to see everyone staring intently at him. He gave a nervous laugh.
"Ahaha, what are you talking about, Kakashi-sensei? I'm not the _princess_..."
"No? Well, I found this lying on the road on my way back." Kakashi pulled out a dirtied script and held it up for everyone to see. It read: 'Sleeping Beauty - Princess'.
"That's not _mine_, you don't know what you're saying!" Naruto scrambled to his feet and pointed indignantly. Kakashi put down the box and dusted the cover of the booklet. Now it read: 'Sleeping Beauty - Princess - Uzumaki Naruto'. "It's his eye! He's making you see an illusion! It's actually his dirty book in disguise! ...Errr, don't hurt me?"
By now everyone was silent. Finally, Sakura's inner-self rose up and shrieked, "Naruto, I'm going to _kill_ you!", which caused the mass of girls to brandish their various hidden weapons at said boy.
"It's not my fault!"
"How dare you weasel your way into the main character's part!"
"I didn't _weasel_ anything!"
"Don't deny it! How else would a complete idiot like you get to be the princess?! You're a _guy_, for Heaven's sake!"
"_That's_ what I've been trying to tell the Hokage --"
"Ladies, ladies, calm down and go back to your seats. We only have two hours to organize a time-line and figure out exactly who's who. You can all settle this matter afterwards." Kakashi's explanation managed to stop the crowd of killer female genin from further advancing on Naruto for the time being. He picked Naruto up and deposited him in a chair. With his single visible eye, he looked around and waited as everyone returned to their seats. "Now everyone be good and listen to our wonderful director as he explains what we are going to do today!"
On cue, Iruka stood from where he was previously scribbling and held up the sheet of paper. "This is the official cast and crew for our play. I made a few adjustments and I hope everyone will be pleased with their roles. Please wait a minute while I go make photocopies for all of you." Out walked the director from their room. A second later, his head reappeared in the doorway. "Oh yes, in the meantime, Kakashi, please refrain from providing any 'entertainment'." Then he was gone.
All eyes fell on the aforementioned jounin and he, against orders from his 'superior', grinned evilly. "So a priest, a bartender, and a tropical Hawaiian dancer walk into a hotel..."
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Iruka could hear Kakashi's loud voice from down the hallway. He rushed back to the classroom and took a deep breath before stepping in.
"...And so he says to me, 'Are you drunk?' and I say, 'Not at all, lady!' and..." Kakashi paused in the middle of his 'true' story about when he and Iruka went to the hot springs. He grinned and waved hello to the chuunin teacher who was about to explode.
Hushed whispers hung in the air, but Iruka still managed to catch a few. The stack of papers, already forgotten in his hands, was at the point of tearing.
"I knew _he_ was perverted, but I never realized Iruka-sensei..."
"Yeah, yeah, but you have to admit, everything makes sense now..."
"You're right, it does! No wonder he blushes all the time!"
Iruka's composure snapped. He slammed the papers on his desk, stalked up to Kakashi, and grabbed him by the collar. "What did you tell them?!"
Smiling innocently, though no one could tell due to the ever-present mask, he said to the actors, "See what I have to deal with every night?"
More whispers filled the room.
"That's just wrong..."
"Shut up, I think it's sweet." (This was from a girl.)
"Iruka-sensei, how _could_ you?! With _him_?! And you never _told_ me?!" Naruto wailed from his seat.
"KAKASHI!" Iruka screamed, ready to strangle the amused man. "I leave for five minutes. _Five_ minutes! So help me if you've ruined my reputation..." The unspoken threat finally caused the legendary Copy Ninja to sweat a little, but he always liked taking risks.
"I take it I'm not getting any tonight?"
"Eh?! What are you -- In the corner. NOW!" Iruka threw the larger man head first into corner. Kakashi slumped to the floor. Iruka glanced up at the dozens of eyes staring at him for his unusual display of violence and barked, "What are you looking at?!" Eyes quickly averted to anywhere but the gaze of the angry man.
Iruka tucked some hairs that had fallen out of his pony-tail behind his ear. He sat himself on his swirly chair and closed his eyes. Awkward minutes passed and no one dared say a word, afraid that it would earn them the wrath of the irate chuunin. Heck, even Naruto was feeling out of place.
"The cast list is on my desk. The box of scripts is over there. All Sand-nins please take your respective parts." Iruka said finally with his eyes still closed. He made a motion towards the box Kakashi had carried in.
No one stirred.
"Well? I don't hear the pitter-patter sound of feet walking!" Iruka said with a little more intensity. Right away chairs were scrapping the ground as people got up.
"Iruka-sensei is scary..." Naruto whispered to the person next to him, which happened to be Hinata. The white-eyed girl blushed and nodded. "I mean, I'm used to his yelling, but he managed to knock Kakashi-sensei out..."
Another girl in the opposite end of the room mused out loud quietly to herself, "I wonder who the dominant one is. Ten minutes ago I was certain it was Kakashi, but now I'm not so sure..."
Kakashi, still in a crumpled heap on the floor, heard this and frowned. He wasn't out-cold! And he was definitely not the woman in his 'supposed' relationship with Iruka. He cracked open his eye and immediately saw Iruka's glare, promising death and other such things. Resisting the urge to shudder, he closed his eye again and decided to ignore what the genin were saying about him. It was better to be safe than sorry.
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Whispered voices, mainly girls', exclaimed their disappointment (quietly) once they found out what everyone's roles were. They quickly conspired together to determine what would happen to the princess. Meanwhile, Naruto sat, sulking in his chair and planning his escape once practice was over.
Kakashi remained in the corner, though he was facing it on a stool instead of lying in a heap on the floor. Every now and then he would sneak a peak at his younger colleague to check if it was okay to move. He had misjudged earlier and a pen then impaled the wall dangerously close to his head.
"Oh? How come there's one more script in the box? Who didn't take a script?" Iruka asked. By now he had collected himself and was acting like his regular cheery self, at least to everyone besides Kakashi. However, everyone was still wary in case of a sudden mood swing.
"Hn." Gaara said. He already knew who he was, courtesy of Temari and Kankuro, and he was not pleased. Iruka raised a questioning eyebrow and waited. Gaara narrowed his eyes menacingly and scowled. Iruka grinned. He knew Gaara would play the perfect villian.
How come _he_ gets to be the evil person?! It's so unfair, Naruto thought grimly. He held his dirtied script in his left hand and had the cast list in his right. He studied the list further and came to a conclusion: whoever wrote it must've been drunk.
"Aagh, what the _hell_?!" came the disgusted cry from behind Naruto. Iruka sighed.
"What's the problem, Kiba?"
"What's the problem?!"
"Yes, that was my question."
"What's the _problem_?!"
"Please just --"
"_What's_ the --"
"JUST ANSWER THE SIMPLE QUESTION!" A vein was popping out at Iruka's temple. Shino gave his partner a slight disapproving look for irritating the director. Kiba shrunk back in his chair and gulped. He mumbled something.
"What was it, Kiba?" Iruka wasn't yelling anymore, but that didn't mean the threat was over.
"...I'm a _fairy_."
"And your point is?"
"...Never mind."
"Great! Now, let's all introduce ourselves formally!" Iruka clapped his hands together and pointed to Naruto. "Please tell us your name, your role, and something about yourself."
Naruto stood and fidgeted a little. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I am the...princess --" At this, some of the slower boys in the group let out a collective gasp. Naruto cringed. "I-I hope you all find it in your hearts to not make such a big deal out of this, eh-heheh." Iruka cleared his throat. "And something about me? Let's see...I like ramen, bunnies, and milk, and my goal is to become the next Hokage! I think that's all you need to know."
"Very nice, Naruto. Alright, it's your turn." Iruka pointed to Shikamaru. "From now on, the person behind you will give his or her introduction and this will go on until everyone knows everyone else."
Shikamaru sighed and slowly stood up. "My name is..."
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"...and I can turn my sand into a glass blade that could easily lop off anyone's head." Gaara sat down and stared. Everyone beside him edged away.
"...That's great to hear, Gaara! I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to reveal that piece of information to us! Oh gee, look at the time. It's already 8:28! I didn't think it would take that long for us to get to know each other. Pack up, everyone! I'll see you all on Wednesday!" Iruka dismissed the cast and before he could blink, a whir of orange rushed by him.
"Get him, girls!"
"He's an enemy of women!"
"Let's castrate him!" Shikamaru winced as he heard this. Girls were so vicious when it came to matters of the heart. Shikamaru shook his head and corrected himself. Girls were so vicious when it came to matters concerning _Sasuke_. The chuunin strolled out of the room and followed the group of frenzied females. Someone had to be there to take Naruto's unconscious and beaten body home.
~To Be Continued~
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AN: *cackles insanely* Wasn't that fun? Alright, before you ask questions about the plot holes and such, let me explain some things:
1. This is AU in the sense that the Sand didn't try to stab the Leaf in the back, so Gaara and Sasuke had a fair fight (and Sasuke won, which Gaara hates him for).
2. The Hokage/Council of Elders/Whatever came up with the cast and Iruka only made a few changes.
3. a) I don't understand how anime characters can stand and just squint a little in the middle of a huge dust cloud (I'd be freaking out and trying to cover my face), so I made Naruto get sand in his eyes and freak out.
3. b) Gaara's sand not working will be explained later. I have a vague idea of what I want to be the reason, but I still need to work on it.
4. Kakashi and Iruka aren't officially together yet. Kakashi just likes to tease.
5. All the rookies, plus Lee's team, will be in the cast. I just haven't figured out all their roles yet. If you have any suggestions, leave it in a review.
6. Iruka has to put up with both Kakashi _and_ Naruto, so cut him some slack and let him rank.
7. Fangirls are a scary bunch. *shudder* Things will only get worse and things progress, so look forward to it!
Alright, I think that's everything. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to look back and find plot holes. So, if you guys find anything that sounds weird, or that I say one thing about something, and then a different thing about it in the next paragraph, please tell me. I wrote the second half of this chapter after a long bout of Writer's Block (aka, Procrastination), so if things don't match, don't kill me!
I need to go update my YGO fics...and maybe Kerosene, because it's fun. Okay, bye bye people! Merry Christmas! ^^ Oh, and if you have the chance, go see 'The Last Samurai'! It's a pretty kick-ass movie!
This is a parody and slightly AU. If you've read the manga, you know why.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Sleeping Beauty.
Dedicated to: SasuNaru fans, and especially Shibarania, for hounding me to get this out. Happy belated birthday to you! ^^
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The Hideous Insomniac: A Sleeping Beauty Parody
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Naruto took one look at the cover page and blanched. In an angry huff, he threw the thick booklet to the ground and crossed his arms. "I refuse! No way in hell am I playing that!"
The Third Hokage sighed and smoothed out a few wrinkles from his clothes. He bent down and picked up the papers, making sure none of the pieces were loose. "Naruto, I'm sure Iruka has told you the reasons why we're doing this."
"Yes, but there's no explanation for why _this_," Naruto grabbed the booklet from the Hokage's hand and shook it for emphasis, "Is my role!"
The Third closed his eyes. Why was he stuck telling Naruto this? Damn his subordinates. He was sure he had picked the longest straw.
"Your team leader, Kakashi, volunteered you for the position."
"But why _me_?!" Naruto hollered, still not believing his luck. When he found out that he was having a part in the play, he was overjoyed. Now he wasn't so sure. Another sigh escaped the old man's lips.
"It's because you're blond."
"Eh? What does that have to do with anything?! Ino's blond _and_ a girl!"
"Precisely. It's the fact that she's a _girl_ that she is inappropriate for this position."
"...Huh?"
"Do you think any girl in this village would have mercy on someone who got a kiss from their beloved Sasuke?"
"No, but -- WHAT?! Are you saying --?!"
"That is correct. Uchiha Sasuke is the prince."
Naruto screamed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto dragged his feet from the Hokage's office. After several threats of deportation from their village head, Naruto reluctantly agreed to play the princess in the production of Sleeping Beauty. The play was to be done in joint with the Sand Village to lower some of the tension between the former enemies.
"So how'd it go?" Shikamaru lazily drawled. He pushed himself off the wall he was leaning on and walked toward the crestfallen boy. One look at the script in Naruto's hand and he was suddenly thankful for his part.
Naruto scowled at the question. Not only was he pissed off about having to play a girl, but he was going to be kissed by _Sasuke_ nonetheless. Shikamaru chuckled at Naruto's expression and got a booklet in the face.
"Ow. What was that for?"
"You know damn well what that was for, don't deny it!"
Shikamaru shrugged. Arguing with Naruto was too bothersome, so he just dropped it.
"So who are you being?" Naruto asked.
"Me? I'm the court jester." The jester had surprisingly few lines compared to the princess, but it wasn't the memorization that bothered him. No, it was the fact that anyone playing the princess was bound to be mauled on many occasions by raving fangirls. After all, Sasuke _was_ the prince. It was a given.
"Shikamaru, I'll trade with you, _please_?! I'll bleach your hair for you, be your slave for a week, _anything_!" Naruto clutched onto the genius's arm and pleaded, not caring that he was getting funny looks from other people in the hallway. Shikamaru pulled his arm away and frowned.
"Absolutely not. Having to hide from Sasuke-fanatics for a month? It's too much trouble."
"C'mon, I'll do anything!"
"No."
"Please?! I'm begging you!"
"Why don't you just switch with one of the girls? I'm sure they'd be happy to trade."
"The Hokage said he'd kick me out of the village if I let a girl play the part."
"I don't think he can do that." Shikamaru said, scratching at his chin.
"I don't know, he seemed pretty serious to me." Naruto shrugged.
"Sorry, but I still can't help you. Why don't you try asking someone else?"
If Shikamaru turned him down, who else could he count on? Naruto fell to his knees and pulled at his hair. Something smacked him in the face and he instinctively caught it before it fell. It was the script. He looked up and saw Shikamaru walking away from him. The newly made chuunin stopped and looked over his shoulder.
"Good luck, Naruto, you're going to need it. Oh, and don't forget, practice is tomorrow." He waved. "Bye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto flipped through the script while walking to the academy. Practices were to be held in the auditorium every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening from 7:00 to 8:30, for the next month. "Stupid play, stupid part, stupid --!" He ran into someone and fell to the ground. "Hey! Watch where you're going!"
"I believe you should watch where _you_ are going," a cold voice said. Naruto shot daggers at the stranger before finally recognizing who it was. He immediately jumped to his feet in a fighting pose.
"Eh, what are _you_ doing here?!"
Gaara of the Sand stood before him. Behind the red head were his siblings, Temari and Kankuro. Naruto looked at each of them and glared. Nonchalant looks were given in return and Naruto's patience wore off. He launched himself at Gaara, confident that he could defeat the boy that Sasuke beat in the Chuunin exams.
Naruto found himself with a face full of sand a moment later.
"Argh, my eyes! It stings! It's cutting my eyes!!!" Naruto stupidly rubbed at his eyes, trying to get rid of the sand but only managing to irritate them even more. "It _burns_!!!"
Gaara suppressed the urge to snicker at the scene in front of him. To think, the boy who defeated a Hyuuga was taken out by a few grains of sand! Gaara looked behind him and saw that Kankuro was gaping with a look of bewilderment on his face while Temari rolled her eyes in mild annoyance. Suddenly, he was knocked over.
Naruto was now using Gaara's shawl to rub at his eyes. Gaara's two siblings wore equal expressions of shock and confusion. Why hadn't the sand protected their younger brother during the attack? Gaara was completely stunned with his current position. Never in his life had he ever thought he would be lying on his back while some freak sat on him.
"Get _off_ of me," Gaara said in the deadliest voice he could muster. The only reaction he got were more screams of agony from the distressed blond. Why wasn't his built-in sand mechanism working?
"It went up my nose, too!" This statement was proceeded with Naruto making the shawl into his personal handkerchief. Gaara grimaced in disgust, displaying the first non-neutral expression since his arrival in the Leaf Village. He quickly punched the other boy hard, sending him flying away a good four feet.
"I'm definitely getting this dry-cleaned," said Gaara to no one in particular. He took the shawl off and held it away from his body. Wet marks could be seen from where Naruto blew his nose. He threw the article of clothing at Kankuro and dusted his hands off. His attention was once again drawn to the Leaf genin who was clutching at a bleeding nose.
"Although I probably would've done the exact same thing if it were me in your situation, I think you could've used a little less force," said a figure in the shade of a nearby building. Out stepped Sasuke from the shadows, giving his I-Saw-Everything-You-Did-But-Decided- Not-To-Get- Involved-Until-The-Very-End look. "There was no need to make the idiot bleed."
"Sasuke, is that you? Agh, I can't see! Bastard! I'll get you for that comment!" Of course, with his nose being pinched to prevent loss of blood, it came out sound, "Sasuge, ib dabt you? Agh, I canpt seeb! Batharb! I'ld gep you furb dabt commemd!"
Sasuke held in his exasperated sigh and went to help the bumbling blond up before he made an even bigger fool of himself. He glared at the Sand genin as he walked past, making sure to add a slight look of superiority just to piss him off. It worked out well enough.
Gaara's right eye twitched upon the sight of the Uchiha boy. Ever since the bitter loss at the Chuunin Exams, Gaara was fixated on training to completely destroy Sasuke in their next meeting. Unfortunately, he was here as a representative of his village, so he was ordered to stay out of trouble. Sand particles that were originally in the air dropped to the ground as he remembered this important detail.
Sasuke slapped Naruto's hand away from his eyes and reprimanded him for picking a fight with their co-actors.
"WHAT?! (Wabt?!)" Gaara and Naruto said in unison. "I'm working with _him_?! (Imb workimb wip _himb_?!)" Gaara pointed at the raven-haired boy while Naruto pointed at Gaara, or at least he thought he was. He ended up pointing a bloody finger at a lamp post instead.
"You didn't know?" Sasuke asked, adding fake surprise in his voice. When he heard no reply, he continued, "Our villages _are_ working together for a reason. Both villages get to place a few of their shinobi as actors in a play. The Hokage and Kazekage asked their ministers and it was decided that we will be performing a classic fairy-tale love story, 'Sleeping Beauty' -- "
"But I thought we were going to be the directors!" Temari interrupted. Kankuro added a "Yeah!" and Gaara looked down-right pissed. They were tricked into coming here! Gaara had the sudden urge to hurt something. Badly. Temari and Kankuro edged away from their psychotic brother.
"Well, what can you do about it? Orders are orders, whether we like them or not. Naruto, stop rubbing your eyes. You're making it worse, dumbass." Sasuke slapped Naruto's hand away again, adding a smack to the head to make his point.
"Shub dup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome, welcome! Please be seated. Alright, everyone, I hope you all know each other fairly well. Everyone here will be working very hard together to make this production a huge success!" Iruka's jubilant greeting was met with silence. The newly appointed director frowned at the lack of reaction from his former students and the extra Sand genin.
"Don't worry if they're not as _enthused_ as you are, Iruka, dear. It won't prevent you from making this the best inter-village play ever!" Kakashi said, clapping a hand on the other teacher's shoulder. He was the costume designer and in charge of giving support to their brilliant director, who was known for his passive character (except when dealing with Naruto). Iruka blushed and gave his silver-haired friend a nervous smile.
"I guess you're right," Iruka said with a nod. He turned to the group of genin (and one chuunin) and asked, "Does everyone know who they are playing?" He looked around the room to see everyone with a script out and ready. Well, almost everyone. Naruto was red-eyed and flicking wads of paper at people. The ones from the Sand Village just sat with bored expressions, except for Gaara. He was staring off into the distance with a contemplative look on his face. The director felt unnerved with this and cleared his throat. A tap on the back switched his attention onto Kakashi. "What is it?"
"We have the scripts for the Sand-nins at the Hokage's office. Let me go get them. You keep the kiddies entertained while I'm gone," the Copy- Ninja said and disappeared. Once he left, the room erupted into chatter. After a few failed attempts to quiet down the children, Iruka gave up.
"Who are you going to be?" Ino asked Sakura. The pink-haired girl glared at her rival for Sasuke's affection.
"What's it to you?" Sakura asked back, not really paying much attention. She was listening for whomever was the princess to say who she was. Practically all the girls in the room, except for Hinata, were straining their ears to find out who the 'lucky someone' was. Though it wasn't officially announced, they were 100% certain that Sasuke would be playing the prince.
"Are you the princess?"
"No, are you?"
"No, do you know who is?"
"If I did, would I be asking you?!"
"I don't know, why don't you tell me?!"
Before a fight could break loose, Shikamaru, being the only rookie chuunin in the cast, stepped in. "Now, girls, why don't you save this frustration for when you find the person who's playing the princess?" Immediately the two arguing girls stopped and looked at him. Ino was the first to speak.
"You know, Shikamaru, you're absolutely right. I need the energy to give this girl --"
"Or boy --"
"-- A piece of my mind when I find her!"
"Or him --"
"Hell yeah!" Sakura chimed in. Shikamaru gave Naruto a quick wink and went back to his seat beside his friend who was currently eating a jumbo bag of chips. Naruto paled and crept away from the group of excited girls, towards the stoic Sands. He bumped into someone.
"This is the _third_ time today," Gaara said in a flat voice. He hid his surprise and annoyance for being shaken from his musings. He had just been thinking about why the sand was failing him when Naruto suddenly jolted him out of his reverie.
Naruto, not really caring who he was speaking to, said, "You have to help. They're going to murder me once they find out."
"Find out what?" Gaara asked, genuinely curious. The fear evident in the other boy's eyes piqued his interest.
"Man, oh man, they're going to kill me..." Naruto continued to mutter incoherently. Gaara leaned in farther to get a better listen.
"I'm a dead man once they figure out that I'm the princess..." Naruto mumbled quietly. Gaara, shocked and somewhat disturbed with his findings, blurted out:
"You're the _princess_?!"
Heads whipped in their general direction so fast that it was a miracle they were still on. The girls were scanning the area for who Gaara could've been talking about and were confused when they didn't see a girl by him. Temari, also interested by who would be the princess, took a look around. She was smart and perceptive, a lot of people would say, so she took everything into consideration.
The nervousness Naruto displayed, the hints that the princess could be male Shikamaru gave, and now with Naruto almost cowering behind her little brother -- it all pointed to one thing: Naruto was the princess. She was about to announce it when someone pointed at her and screamed, "It must be her! She was closest to the boy when he said it!"
Temari's eyes widened and she shook her head. Before she could say anything, the group of Sasuke fangirls pounced on her.
"You're so lucky!"
"I wish I were you!"
"Sasuke-kun is _mine_, so don't you dare lay a finger on him!"
"How could someone from the Sand be the princess?!"
"Look at this, her figure is completely incorrect for the princess!"
"It should've been me!"
"No, me!"
Naruto used this diversion to get away from danger. He crawled away and made his way to the door. Right when he was about to open it, it slid open itself and revealed Kakashi holding a box.
"Oh, Naruto! A _princess_ shouldn't be crawling around on the _floor_!" Kakashi said loud enough for the entire room to hear. Naruto inwardly cursed his instructor and slowly turned around to see everyone staring intently at him. He gave a nervous laugh.
"Ahaha, what are you talking about, Kakashi-sensei? I'm not the _princess_..."
"No? Well, I found this lying on the road on my way back." Kakashi pulled out a dirtied script and held it up for everyone to see. It read: 'Sleeping Beauty - Princess'.
"That's not _mine_, you don't know what you're saying!" Naruto scrambled to his feet and pointed indignantly. Kakashi put down the box and dusted the cover of the booklet. Now it read: 'Sleeping Beauty - Princess - Uzumaki Naruto'. "It's his eye! He's making you see an illusion! It's actually his dirty book in disguise! ...Errr, don't hurt me?"
By now everyone was silent. Finally, Sakura's inner-self rose up and shrieked, "Naruto, I'm going to _kill_ you!", which caused the mass of girls to brandish their various hidden weapons at said boy.
"It's not my fault!"
"How dare you weasel your way into the main character's part!"
"I didn't _weasel_ anything!"
"Don't deny it! How else would a complete idiot like you get to be the princess?! You're a _guy_, for Heaven's sake!"
"_That's_ what I've been trying to tell the Hokage --"
"Ladies, ladies, calm down and go back to your seats. We only have two hours to organize a time-line and figure out exactly who's who. You can all settle this matter afterwards." Kakashi's explanation managed to stop the crowd of killer female genin from further advancing on Naruto for the time being. He picked Naruto up and deposited him in a chair. With his single visible eye, he looked around and waited as everyone returned to their seats. "Now everyone be good and listen to our wonderful director as he explains what we are going to do today!"
On cue, Iruka stood from where he was previously scribbling and held up the sheet of paper. "This is the official cast and crew for our play. I made a few adjustments and I hope everyone will be pleased with their roles. Please wait a minute while I go make photocopies for all of you." Out walked the director from their room. A second later, his head reappeared in the doorway. "Oh yes, in the meantime, Kakashi, please refrain from providing any 'entertainment'." Then he was gone.
All eyes fell on the aforementioned jounin and he, against orders from his 'superior', grinned evilly. "So a priest, a bartender, and a tropical Hawaiian dancer walk into a hotel..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iruka could hear Kakashi's loud voice from down the hallway. He rushed back to the classroom and took a deep breath before stepping in.
"...And so he says to me, 'Are you drunk?' and I say, 'Not at all, lady!' and..." Kakashi paused in the middle of his 'true' story about when he and Iruka went to the hot springs. He grinned and waved hello to the chuunin teacher who was about to explode.
Hushed whispers hung in the air, but Iruka still managed to catch a few. The stack of papers, already forgotten in his hands, was at the point of tearing.
"I knew _he_ was perverted, but I never realized Iruka-sensei..."
"Yeah, yeah, but you have to admit, everything makes sense now..."
"You're right, it does! No wonder he blushes all the time!"
Iruka's composure snapped. He slammed the papers on his desk, stalked up to Kakashi, and grabbed him by the collar. "What did you tell them?!"
Smiling innocently, though no one could tell due to the ever-present mask, he said to the actors, "See what I have to deal with every night?"
More whispers filled the room.
"That's just wrong..."
"Shut up, I think it's sweet." (This was from a girl.)
"Iruka-sensei, how _could_ you?! With _him_?! And you never _told_ me?!" Naruto wailed from his seat.
"KAKASHI!" Iruka screamed, ready to strangle the amused man. "I leave for five minutes. _Five_ minutes! So help me if you've ruined my reputation..." The unspoken threat finally caused the legendary Copy Ninja to sweat a little, but he always liked taking risks.
"I take it I'm not getting any tonight?"
"Eh?! What are you -- In the corner. NOW!" Iruka threw the larger man head first into corner. Kakashi slumped to the floor. Iruka glanced up at the dozens of eyes staring at him for his unusual display of violence and barked, "What are you looking at?!" Eyes quickly averted to anywhere but the gaze of the angry man.
Iruka tucked some hairs that had fallen out of his pony-tail behind his ear. He sat himself on his swirly chair and closed his eyes. Awkward minutes passed and no one dared say a word, afraid that it would earn them the wrath of the irate chuunin. Heck, even Naruto was feeling out of place.
"The cast list is on my desk. The box of scripts is over there. All Sand-nins please take your respective parts." Iruka said finally with his eyes still closed. He made a motion towards the box Kakashi had carried in.
No one stirred.
"Well? I don't hear the pitter-patter sound of feet walking!" Iruka said with a little more intensity. Right away chairs were scrapping the ground as people got up.
"Iruka-sensei is scary..." Naruto whispered to the person next to him, which happened to be Hinata. The white-eyed girl blushed and nodded. "I mean, I'm used to his yelling, but he managed to knock Kakashi-sensei out..."
Another girl in the opposite end of the room mused out loud quietly to herself, "I wonder who the dominant one is. Ten minutes ago I was certain it was Kakashi, but now I'm not so sure..."
Kakashi, still in a crumpled heap on the floor, heard this and frowned. He wasn't out-cold! And he was definitely not the woman in his 'supposed' relationship with Iruka. He cracked open his eye and immediately saw Iruka's glare, promising death and other such things. Resisting the urge to shudder, he closed his eye again and decided to ignore what the genin were saying about him. It was better to be safe than sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whispered voices, mainly girls', exclaimed their disappointment (quietly) once they found out what everyone's roles were. They quickly conspired together to determine what would happen to the princess. Meanwhile, Naruto sat, sulking in his chair and planning his escape once practice was over.
Kakashi remained in the corner, though he was facing it on a stool instead of lying in a heap on the floor. Every now and then he would sneak a peak at his younger colleague to check if it was okay to move. He had misjudged earlier and a pen then impaled the wall dangerously close to his head.
"Oh? How come there's one more script in the box? Who didn't take a script?" Iruka asked. By now he had collected himself and was acting like his regular cheery self, at least to everyone besides Kakashi. However, everyone was still wary in case of a sudden mood swing.
"Hn." Gaara said. He already knew who he was, courtesy of Temari and Kankuro, and he was not pleased. Iruka raised a questioning eyebrow and waited. Gaara narrowed his eyes menacingly and scowled. Iruka grinned. He knew Gaara would play the perfect villian.
How come _he_ gets to be the evil person?! It's so unfair, Naruto thought grimly. He held his dirtied script in his left hand and had the cast list in his right. He studied the list further and came to a conclusion: whoever wrote it must've been drunk.
"Aagh, what the _hell_?!" came the disgusted cry from behind Naruto. Iruka sighed.
"What's the problem, Kiba?"
"What's the problem?!"
"Yes, that was my question."
"What's the _problem_?!"
"Please just --"
"_What's_ the --"
"JUST ANSWER THE SIMPLE QUESTION!" A vein was popping out at Iruka's temple. Shino gave his partner a slight disapproving look for irritating the director. Kiba shrunk back in his chair and gulped. He mumbled something.
"What was it, Kiba?" Iruka wasn't yelling anymore, but that didn't mean the threat was over.
"...I'm a _fairy_."
"And your point is?"
"...Never mind."
"Great! Now, let's all introduce ourselves formally!" Iruka clapped his hands together and pointed to Naruto. "Please tell us your name, your role, and something about yourself."
Naruto stood and fidgeted a little. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I am the...princess --" At this, some of the slower boys in the group let out a collective gasp. Naruto cringed. "I-I hope you all find it in your hearts to not make such a big deal out of this, eh-heheh." Iruka cleared his throat. "And something about me? Let's see...I like ramen, bunnies, and milk, and my goal is to become the next Hokage! I think that's all you need to know."
"Very nice, Naruto. Alright, it's your turn." Iruka pointed to Shikamaru. "From now on, the person behind you will give his or her introduction and this will go on until everyone knows everyone else."
Shikamaru sighed and slowly stood up. "My name is..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"...and I can turn my sand into a glass blade that could easily lop off anyone's head." Gaara sat down and stared. Everyone beside him edged away.
"...That's great to hear, Gaara! I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to reveal that piece of information to us! Oh gee, look at the time. It's already 8:28! I didn't think it would take that long for us to get to know each other. Pack up, everyone! I'll see you all on Wednesday!" Iruka dismissed the cast and before he could blink, a whir of orange rushed by him.
"Get him, girls!"
"He's an enemy of women!"
"Let's castrate him!" Shikamaru winced as he heard this. Girls were so vicious when it came to matters of the heart. Shikamaru shook his head and corrected himself. Girls were so vicious when it came to matters concerning _Sasuke_. The chuunin strolled out of the room and followed the group of frenzied females. Someone had to be there to take Naruto's unconscious and beaten body home.
~To Be Continued~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: *cackles insanely* Wasn't that fun? Alright, before you ask questions about the plot holes and such, let me explain some things:
1. This is AU in the sense that the Sand didn't try to stab the Leaf in the back, so Gaara and Sasuke had a fair fight (and Sasuke won, which Gaara hates him for).
2. The Hokage/Council of Elders/Whatever came up with the cast and Iruka only made a few changes.
3. a) I don't understand how anime characters can stand and just squint a little in the middle of a huge dust cloud (I'd be freaking out and trying to cover my face), so I made Naruto get sand in his eyes and freak out.
3. b) Gaara's sand not working will be explained later. I have a vague idea of what I want to be the reason, but I still need to work on it.
4. Kakashi and Iruka aren't officially together yet. Kakashi just likes to tease.
5. All the rookies, plus Lee's team, will be in the cast. I just haven't figured out all their roles yet. If you have any suggestions, leave it in a review.
6. Iruka has to put up with both Kakashi _and_ Naruto, so cut him some slack and let him rank.
7. Fangirls are a scary bunch. *shudder* Things will only get worse and things progress, so look forward to it!
Alright, I think that's everything. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to look back and find plot holes. So, if you guys find anything that sounds weird, or that I say one thing about something, and then a different thing about it in the next paragraph, please tell me. I wrote the second half of this chapter after a long bout of Writer's Block (aka, Procrastination), so if things don't match, don't kill me!
I need to go update my YGO fics...and maybe Kerosene, because it's fun. Okay, bye bye people! Merry Christmas! ^^ Oh, and if you have the chance, go see 'The Last Samurai'! It's a pretty kick-ass movie!