Depression
By: Sailorjj07
1.The Human in Me
A/n: In a day of depression I wrote this short lil fic. Hopefully it's not too short or boring.
Disclaimer: I don't own.
You'd think everyone would realize that I'm not only an android. I'm not only a machine, but a person. It saddens me when my programming interferes with the human part of me and I can't do anything about it. A part of me watches as the machine, that idiotic android woman, parades around, acting like me, talking like me, and thinking like me. But there's one thing that 'she', the machine, and I, don't have alike. And that's my love. Machines aren't capable of feeling. Machines can't feel warmth when the person they're in love with touches them. Machines don't blush whenever the person they love is around. Machines aren't capable of falling in love. I am not a machine.
You hear the word love coming out of my mouth and wonder, "Who?". Who in the world could a cruel non-emotional android, like me, fall in love with? A man. A kind wonderful man, that makes my heart pound everytime I see him. I know your thinking, what heart? How can her heart pound if she doesn't have one? Well I do. It really exists in this body that's been created for me. Everytime Shion and Allen run a status check on me; I have to hide it so that they don't try to take it out. So that they don't get rid of it. If I have no heart I will truly become that which I hate most.
An Android....
And if I ever become like 'her', like that android that does not love, I shall not have a reason for existing. I cannot let her take over and I cannot have my heart taken from me. I cannot. To have it taken and stolen from me would kill me. The human me. The me that has a wonderful heart. A heart that is capable of loving, of feeling pain, of feeling heartache, of worrying, and of many other emotions that 'she', that stupid unemotional android, cannot feel. I am different from 'her'. I am me. I am KOS-MOS. And I am in love.
It saddens me, to refer to myself as me and 'her'. But 'she' is not me, therefore it is required. 'She' is an android. Me is well... me. Some would think I was crazy to talk of myself that way, but I don't care. If you think I'm crazy so be it. I've heard many say, love makes you crazy. If that is true, that's why I am this way.
This internal struggle between me and her began the moment I met him. Him, with those beautiful kind eyes. Him, with that kind smile. Him, with that wonderful cute face and handsome body and complexion. Him, who seemed to see through 'her' and discover me. That's how it all began. The moment those beautiful eyes, looked at my face and spoke to me, I knew my life would never be the same. And thus 'She' and I became separate. I was in love with him and 'she', the android was not. 'She' did not know what love was. 'She' couldn't find it in her "memory banks" and all of that other junk she uses to 'understand' things. But unlike her, I knew what love was. I knew what it was because I felt it. I felt it and I relished in the fact that I could feel it and 'she' couldn't. 'She' couldn't and 'she' didn't know what it meant either.
The two women inside my body; the android and I, began to fight alot. The android argued with reason, where as I, I argued with my heart. At one point, we fought each other physically in my subconscious. The battle was long and tiresome and neither of us won because 'she' and I are so much alike. We argue alot now, it's a natural occurrence and until I can control 'her', I cannot stay around many people for long. Every 5.14789520589630241.......there 'she' goes again. As I was saying, every 5 minutes we argue. I can almost set a watch by it. 'She' always sees no reason for me doing what I'm doing. 'She' thinks that love is just a human emotion and that I'm fooling myself, thinking I can feel it. 'She' is wrong. 'She' is so wrong, everytime I hear her say it, I want to kill her. I want her to die and never come back. But the problem is, if 'she' dies physically, so do I. Since we are one and the same.
'She' is trying to invade my mind even now and in a minute I won't be able to control her. 'She' keeps trying to gain control when I won't let her, 'she'...........................
It's too late now.........
'She' has gotten in my mind........
And I won't be........
Able to...........
Hold her back..........
Much........
Longer...........
You have 3.5607891025489 seconds and 15.57843146468 milliseconds left to control our mind. You wasted too much time. I have your mind now. And I think it's time to go to sleep.
SHUT DOWN...CHARGING...
And that's the end!