dark humor? twisted-ness in any case.
- author says... -
Yea… I was listening to Weird Al when I wanted to write this. Have you ever heard the song "You Don't Love Me Anymore"? If you haven't, listen to it; that's where a lot of the different ideas came from for this story. Only… this is less funny, I guess. *shrug* It's supposed to be funny.
Some of it is really lame… but who knows, it could be fun. ^_^
People thought it was cute when Kaiba and I accidentally came out (for the record, it wasn't my fault, no matter what he said; if he hadn't started insulting me I wouldn't have gotten turned on, and if I hadn't been turned on, I wouldn't have kissed him in the middle of class).
Okay, some people thought it was cute; others thought it was downright weird. I don't think anyone understands exactly how weird… Because it's weird. Not like 'hey, I love you but I hate you' sort of weird; that wouldn't be weird at all. More like 'I'm gonna give you a really nice eulogy' weird.
Yea, we try to kill each other at least once a week.
At first I thought we were kidding - hell, sometimes I wonder if maybe we are only kidding - so I took it easy on him. He narrowly missed hitting me with his car, but I ignored it. For a while, I think that was all he did. He kept repeating the gesture, like he was daring me to retaliate. Eventually I did, with Honda's help; we did something to the stairs - it was mostly Honda's idea, so to this day I'm not exactly sure what. Kaiba ended up falling down. He had some pretty gross bruises, but he thought it was great. He was impressed.
Come to think of it, Kaiba really is a sick bastard; I don't know why I sleep with him.
The first - and only - time I was in his kitchen he stabbed me. Not like he attacked me and stabbed me, like a psycho in a horror movie; he was cutting something, making dinner for Mokuba. I was sitting on the counter, and when I leaned down to kiss him he went to pull me closer… "forgetting" that he was still holding the knife. It wasn't a very big knife; I've certainly had worse injuries.
But Kaiba really is a sick individual; he liked the blood.
After that I got a little rougher about it. I think the first drastic thing I did was disconnect the brakes in his car. I even did it without Honda's help. Of course, it was a week before he used the car; lazy bastard rides in his limo most days, but I didn't want to risk his driver's life. Either way, he survived the car ride - barely. Oh, he loved that. I can always tell when Kaiba's pleased about something; he gets really horny. Weird guy. I could barely walk the next day.
Come to think of it, maybe he's less a sick bastard and more an adrenaline junkie.
…
No, no, the guy's a twisted freak. A twisted freak with a nice ass.
There was a "mysterious" fire at school the week after the incident with the car. I was asleep when it happened. Dad always did say I could sleep through a missile attack, and he was right: I slept through the ensuing mayhem of the fire. Woke up when it was getting serious, and it turned out I had my ankle tied to the desk! Lucky for me the firemen got there before I was burnt to a crisp. It was the only time I ever saw a teacher scream at Kaiba; I guess he offered to wake me up while she got the other students out of the class. Hmph. I guess everyone thought that since we had some sort of relationship that meant he cared if I lived or died. Well… maybe he did. He wasn't in a very good mood after the incident with the fire; I don't think I got laid at all that week. All I got was a lecture on how I could sleep through anything. Just like my dad, only… well, soberly.
I was pissed about the fire thing. That's not how I want to go out, be it inflicted by my psychotic lover or not. So I went the opposite route; I nearly drowned him. It was pitiful really; all I did was make sure his suit got stuck to one of the underwater lights. Any idiot would have just taken the suit off when it got stuck, but not Seto Kaiba; he had to try to get it free. No one could blame me if he was too stubborn to take off the suit and move on with life; it wasn't like he couldn't afford a new one. Eventually he did get the fabric free and came it out alive. He was pissed. He actually punched me. I hit him back, and the next thing I knew I was bent over a patio table. That was nice, I guess.
It went back and forth like that for a while. He nearly pushed me out a window - yet pulled me back at just the right moment, right after I nearly had a fucking heart attack. I poisoned his coffee - but not enough to kill him outright, just enough to make him sick. I almost - "accidentally" says him - fell into his fireplace shortly afterwards. I nearly strangled him with his own tie; he shouldn't have asked for my help. That was probably my favorite; the whole time I was crooning softly to him, kissing him like nothing was happening. I think he even turned blue. Go figure, he ended up taking off the tie and not going to work just so he could fuck me through the mattress.
I'm telling you, he's a demented guy. Or maybe he's mentally ill. I should look into committing him someday… then again, I'd probably be committed with him. "No, honestly, I'm not crazy; I only try to kill him because he likes it." Yea, hell-o padded cell.
He probably would have tried to get me back after the tie incident but someone else beat him to it; I got into a fight at school and ended up in the hospital. Instead of being impressed by blood - like he had been with the knife - he was pissed. Really pissed. I haven't seen the guy I got into a fight with since that day. Teachers keep telling me he was forced to change schools, but they always look nervous when I ask. I never asked if Kaiba had anything to do with it; I don't really want to know. I guess he didn't like someone else cuttin' in on his territory, you know? He probably figures that if I die it's going to be by his hands. Romance seems to have a slightly skewed definition in Kaiba's world.
I can understand, I suppose… Maybe that mental illness has rubbed off on me. If anyone ELSE tried to kill Kaiba, I'd probably rip him in half, yet it was okay if I killed him. I'm not even sure why I do it. He started, and I just followed. Then again… We don't do that sappy, love-love BS that most people seem to, like Yuugi and Yami. Don't get me wrong, it's sweet and all, but sometimes it's a little too sweet.
Boringly sweet.
Life never got dull with Kaiba; there was always a reason to look over my shoulder, or to watch where I was stepping, or make sure I knew what Kaiba was up to before I approached him. Maybe trying to kill each other was our way of expressing emotion, saying what sex couldn't.
…
Or maybe Kaiba's just a sick fuck.