Disclaimer: Hasbro owns the Transformers, else I would be a much richer person. This is the rewritten version with a purpose, a plot, and some bits replaced. And much more added.
This is a parody of the average badfic, not focusing specifically on the Sue(s) involved, because I found it more entertaining to toss in as many aspects of badfic in general as I could and see what happened. Sues aren't the only problem, after all, and they come in too many flavours to use just one example. Besides, it let us use the likes of Smokescreen more often. What more can you ask?
Overuse of capitals and punctuation in earlier entries may be attributed to the parody thing, as can the really silly plot devices. I just want to point out that they're there on purpose.
Editor's Note:
Many questions have been asked about the sequence of events that took place on Earth before the coming of Unicron. Most people are aware that something odd happened, but what it was remains unclear. Not even I can provide a definite answer to the question of 'why', but my purpose in compiling this report is to provide some insight into the 'what'. Who will read it depends on the security level attached to it by the Information Security Board (or the appropriate successor authority, should the ISB be disbanded before submission), but I hope that any reader will gain from the process.
I have chosen to base the core of this record around the journal of Cyclonus, a Decepticon with whom at least a few readers will be familiar. This is partly because it records the events more accurately and completely than the official records (see my note on week three for an example of this); it is also because his journal provides the most complete (and readily available) record for the time frame (most others do not have an entry for each day, for example; nearly all have entries which cannot be included for security reasons).
Week One
Cyclonus's Journal
Day 1
Uh… what do I do with this? Demolisher just said to use it, he didn't say what to put in it. I guess I might as well, now he's thrown it at me…
Well, come on! I'm bored! Besides, I think Megatron has something like this. I dunno what he uses it for, but hey, I guess it works for him… whatever it is.
It's slagging freezing in here... OK, so the place has no air or heat: of course it's gonna be cold!
Anyway, gotta go; it looks like something's happening.
Day 2My…head... A Minicon panel activated yesterday. Guess who got shot up? Huh! Maybe next time Megatron won't send me in to take on every Autobot on the field. At least, I hope so. I'm starting to feel like one of those suicide guys...
Besides, the Autobots seem to be on to something. They brought along a new human to the battle. I only noticed because I almost flattened it when I crashed. And then...whatsisname...Jetfire?...oh no, it was Hot Shot… started yelling something like 'Tara, are you alright?'
Something like that, anyway. Huh. Do I ever get asked if I'm even alive? Nooo! Do I get blown to pieces half the time? Yes! I don't just stand around yelling 'You can do it!' all the time; I actually have to DO stuff!
Still, I guess there's gotta be something to this mascot/cheerleader thing, because the defeat yesterday was really embarrassing, even for us. I mean, normally we only just barely lose when we do, which figures, seeing as the Autobots are a bunch of wusses.
Hey, maybe I'll mention this idea to Megatron. Dunno where we'd get cheerleaders, though…
Day 3Another battle today. Pretty much a repeat of last time. Funny, that; I could have sworn Megatron and Prime were reusing the same lines.
Oh, and I learned something new. That new human is REALLY creepy. Megatron ordered me to hold it hostage, right? So I did. Well, anyway, I picked it up and it started complaining. So I told it to shut up – it's whining was really getting to me. That, and it was making some comments along the lines of 'the Autobots'll kick yer ass!' Sure. Like that's gonna happen.
AND I was right! The slagging 'bots never got near me! The friggin' HUMAN did something! It sort of screwed up its face, and I was watching (well, imagine if it had died while I was trying to use it as a hostage, the squishies on Forbis used to do that a lot).
Then some kind of energy wave hits me, and next thing I know, I'm flat on my back and the slagging fleshie's sniggering! How is that fair?!
And Demolisher caught it, too; he's still in repairs.
Megatron's Log
(Day 3)
This makes no sense. How, I ask, HOW does one blasted primate manage to slag TWO of my officers?! Well, technically they're officers, they're here, after all…
It was ridiculous! ...I have to find out how.
But anyway, we were beaten by a human, FEMALE CHILD!
Hang on an astrocycle- when did I start caring about gender?
When did I start thinking about gender?
…When did I start noticing what gender a fleshling was?
Oh, for Primus' sake. It's the planet. It must be that blasted planet. There seems to be some kind of disease here that affects Transformers. It would explain so much... We're competent until we go planet-side, and then everyone else turns into a group of complete idiots.
Of course, it could just be my worthless minions, but they were a vaguely functional team until we arrived here. Maybe I should have the techs on Cybertron check the warp gate we used…
At least I remain unchanged and capable as ever.
Cyclonus's JournalDay 4
British Gas called. They said they're sorry but they're unable to operate off-planet. That buggers that, then.
Megatron said something about another plot. If he doesn't stop hinting soon and actually tell us what he's planning, I think Starscream's gonna throttle him with the paint bills.
Megatron's Log
(Day 4)
I found a note tacked to the end of my last entry. It reads 'Not for long, boyo! BWAHAHAHAHAH!'
Needless to say, I want an explanation.
Cyclonus's Journal
Day 5
Yippee, a new day, another slagging punch-up. Strange –there's a lot more hand-to-hand combat these days. It evens things out a bit; the Autobots can't shoot to save their lives. They've got amazing aim when saving everyone ELSE'S lives, though.
The good news is, we know more about the enemy. The bad news is, the enemy has us seriously outgunned. Which is weird, seeing as we're the ones with the lasers and fusion cannons and things.
You know the creepy human? Well... it's a demon, only not a proper one – some kind of Earth demon. I'm not joking. It torched Demolisher earlier. I'd feel sorry for him if I wasn't dismembered myself.
Day 6
Tax forms came in. Fun-ness. I can see the future for the next fourteen hours. How come I always get volunteered for this stuff?
Still; mustn't complain – Starscream's got the mop. How the slag am I supposed to get any work done when he's using a duster in the same room?
Teheheh... it's very funny. I've gotta be quiet, though; the resident ego doesn't appreciate witnesses to his humiliation. It's his own fault, though.
Starscream's Log(Day 6)
What was I thinking? How the Pit did I think that trying to tackle that demon-thing while surrounded by Autobots would help matters? What the slag came over me?
And Megatron isn't making the embarrassment any easier. I'd swear he didn't decide this. And when I find out who does, they'll wish they'd never seen a mop…
Cyclonus's Journal
Day 7
Ow... I hate it when I wind up napping on duty.
Well... the forms are done, at least.
Slaggit, how much recharge DID I miss last night? It's the same every time... I end up staying up late to finish off the paperwork, then keep slipping into recharge (humans call it 'sleep': weird word, but fun to say) while on duty.
Embarrassing or what?
Oh, SLAG. That alarm's going off again.
I really, really hope this is a false alert.
Megatron's Log
(Day 7)
Hah! Now is our chance to gain a major advantage over the Autobots! If we can capture that demon-thing...
Wait... that's a stupid plan.
What the Pit am I thinking? And why can't I seem to stop brooding over that whole super-human business? I mean, why should I care that Prime has a new pet? It's not like it's THAT much of a help...
(Later)
Forget what I said earlier. Just forget it.
Cyclonus's Journal
Day 7
(Later)
It got me again... why? And Megatron too. Demolisher... don't ask. I'm not squeamish, but those damages were... pretty nasty, to put it really mildly. The guy's lucky he was in stasis lock during the repairs.
Oh, yeah, and Starscream's got lines to do.
Starscream's Log(Day 7)
'I will not ignore my commander in order to seek vengeance on horrible little squishy things.'
'I will not disregard orders in the midst of battle in order to step on semi-human annoyances.'
'I will not continually embarrass Megatron with displays of misconduct simply to satisfy my own thirst for splattered organics on the floor."
'I am not merely repeating variations of the line I was set to copy out 5,000,000 times.'
'No matter what Cyclonus says, my CPU is not stuck and I do not need a trip to repairs.'
'Cyclonus will shut up now or else HE will require therapy.'
'Cyclonus will apologise if he wishes his face to be removed from the wall.'
'I will refrain from vandalising the base in the course of disciplining inferiors.'
'Particularly just as Megatron walks into the room.'