A/N I do not own anything out of this story. Especially Captain Jack Sparrow. Excuse me while I sit in a dark corner and cry… *sobs*
Anyways, I would just like to let you know that you do not have to read my other stories to understand this at all. But, I would also like people to know that those of you who read The Mushy Mind of Captain Jack Sparrow, you will like this. And for those of you, who haven't, go read it, because you will like it.
This story is from Jack's perspective, and I'm going to skip around a bit, focus on different scenes from the movie. Or maybe not, but I don't really know… I'm writing this b cuz I'm bored and b cuz you ppls asked for more!
Let's begin with the beach scene, shall we? Oh, beach scenes are fun… I love Jack's mind… hehe: D, enjoy! (By the way, this is the second beach, with Elizabeth, during the movie)
***~***
My first thought was of the rum stash on the beach which I knew was somewhere around here. I only had to find it… last time I was here, the rumrunners picked me up and told me how I could find it again…
I was aware of Elizabeth watching me. Knew she can't resist me. But I was looking at the Pearl sail away, with Barbossa and Will on it…
That's the second time I've watched that man sail away with my ship. I told this to Elizabeth, so she would understand… I think she wasn't really paying attention to what I was saying though.
"But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you? So we can escape in the same way you did then." Elizabeth said, following me as I tried to find that trapdoor. I could remember the hollow tree, and… four paces… is that right? I then remembered that Elizabeth was talking to me, and I turned to answer her.
"To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice, unlikely, young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him."
That would have been the perfect time for her to pull out a rudder and a lot of sails, because then I would know that this all was just a bloody nightmare… and that she has a beautifully skinny figure… maybe a little too thin, though. And not very well to do assets. Back to what I was saying…
I mean, what point would there be in leaving? I am perfectly fine with staying here… beautiful women, lots of rum… a loaded pistol… well, I suppose that when I get hungry I'll just pick up that pistol and…
No. No, Jack. That pistol is for Elizabeth. Be the gentleman and kill her first.
Actually, it's pretty likely that that is what will happen. No living with this snobbish princess… nope, not my type of woman. A good old Tortuga girl, that's what I need.
"But you're Captain Jack Sparrow. You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I've read about or not? How did you escape last time?"
Then again, this is my type of girl. Someone has been doing quite a bit of homework lately… yes, I did do those things… hehe, I remember that. Bloody funny, too, watching the expressions on the faces of those agents… still remember like it was yesterday.
But first, before any cozying with Elizabeth, I must find the rum. And if she still expected me to come up with some grand escape, then that would have to be set straight. I'm not some freaking magician… just a bloody lucky pirate. A damn good handsome lucky pirate with wit and charm and…
Ahem. As I was saying…
"Last time…I was here a grand total of three days, alright? Last time…" Aha! I found it! The trapdoor! Now, if all goes as planned, Lizzie would simply fall into my arms in her drunken stupor, seeing as how we're both going to drink ourselves silly, and in the morning she'll kill me, so I'll be dead and have nothing to worry about. At least I'll die with an angel in my arms… but first, I must continue my sentence.
"…the rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by and I was able to barter a passage off. From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that." Yea, that stupid prick. I never thought weasels like that could do much harm, but as it turns out, I was wrong… he wasn't just useless.
I brought out two bottles of rum from the trapdoor, and for a moment, I considered drinking both, but hey, the plan would be ruined.
"So that's it then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow? You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum?!" Lizzie said. It was like… whoa. Lot's of hostility in that one little sentence, and her respect for me dropped a couple of notches… like, all the way into the negatives… but, maybe getting her drunk would still do the trick. And being annoying wouldn't hurt.
But she was wrong. I didn't spend three days lying on a beach drinking rum. What does she take me for? I'm not that stupid! I spent three days lying in a trapdoor drinking rum. If I had been on the beach, then I would have forgotten the location of the trapdoor. Ha! I am Captain Jack Sparrow, and with my superior knowledge, I decided to stay in the trapdoor so I could find it once again and drink myself silly. When you're depressed it doesn't hurt to be up to your eyebrows in alcohol.
In my quirky, annoying and incredibly charming way, I said "Welcome to the Caribbean, love." And I handed her the other bottle.
Now, I'm not sure if I remember correctly how everything happened. I built a fire with my superior knowledge, because of course Elizabeth was getting cold, and then… we sang a song.
"We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs. Drink up me 'earties yo ho! Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me." Oh, I love that song. It's like… if they were to write a song about me, Captain Jack Sparrow that would be it. Except, of course, the woman singing it would be in one of the inns at Tortuga, totally drunk and naked, standing in front of me. Yea… hehe, what I wouldn't give… maybe I could persuade… whatever her name is… she's really not wearing that much… soaking wet and see through… loving the view here.
Whatever his name is… Bills son, he wouldn't like that much though. Not that I'll ever see him again… what's his face.
"I love this song! Really bad eggs! Woo." I said, sitting on the sand and grinning at… her. "When I get the Pearl back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew and we'll sing it all the time!" But to tell you the truth, I'm not too sure about that… my crew… well, I can't exactly see Anamaria or Gibbs singing… scratch that, I just don't want to see them singing.
"And you'll be positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main." Elizabeth said, settling next to me. Oh, she was warm… and singing my songs too. That whole respect thing was going again… of course it could just be the rum… what a magical drink… turns even the most respectable ladies into honest, caring people, willing to bare their souls. But I just drink it because it's pretty good.
"Not just the Spanish Main, love, the entire ocean, the entire wo'ld. Wherever we want to go, we'll go, that's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails that's what a ship needs but what a ship is…what the Black Pearl really is…is freedom."
Yeah. And sometimes it makes you say things that you wouldn't tell just any old person. But maybe she would lighten up a little bit… if she understood…
Or maybe I'm just a softie. Who bloody cares?
"Jack, it must be really terrible for you to be trapped on this island." She said. Finally, she understood how much I had to go through… yes, she was so close… just a little drunker, and she would be mine… hahaha, you know how it's funny when the sky get's dark and the clouds go all… freaky? I never noticed that before… well, maybe once…
Oh yeah, Elizabeth. That was her name… I wonder if it's still her name? Pretty name… wait, I was supposed to say something… what did she just say? "Oh, Yes." I said, putting my arm around her and thinking back to what she had just said. Hoping that I had made some sense. At all. Probably not though, knowing me… I'm so annoying, hehe. Now, back to seducing Elizabeth. Where was I? "But the company is infinitely better than last time, I think. And the…the scenery has definitely improved." You got that right… I wonder if she noticed how little she was wearing? Oh, rum is oh so much fun…
"Mr. Sparrow , I'm not entirely sure that I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk." She said. Drat it. Foiling my plans. And it's Captain Sparrow, not mister Sparrow, luv…I wonder what's she thinks of me… I'm such a dashing rogue, how could I not be irresistible… unless… *gasp* maybe she was attracted to me before, and then rum turned it around? Oh, no, oh no, oh no, oh, oh, oh…
"I know exactly what you mean, love."
"To freedom." Elizabeth said, raising her… bottle. Now, this was my kind of toast… but somehow, I felt like it needed something…
"To the Black Pearl." I said. Yeah, that was definitely what it needed… my Pearl couldn't be left out of any conversation. Or sentence for that matter… I need to shoot something right about now. Too bad Elizabeth would go nuts and kill me before she had the chance to die.
Actually, that wouldn't be that bad… hahahahaha, I can see it now…
Darkness.
***~***
Woke up in the morning. Smelled smoke. Rum flavored smoke. Actually, that's not a bad smell…
Whoa. Wait a second. What…
Oh, no.
"No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade, the rum!" NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO… STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID… Jack, that was a very, very stupid thing to do… never, ever do anything like that ever again, falling asleep with a beautiful pyromaniac beside you…
"Yes, the rum is gone." She said, just calmly sitting there… oh, I was going to kill her… NO! No, bad Jack, don't think about things like that.
"Why is the rum gone?"
"One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me, do you really think that there is even the slightest chance that they won't see it?" YES! I do think they won't see it, Ms. Perfect! Oh, no, no, no… that wasn't even a reason! She could've… burnt… her dress! Yes, that would be wonderful, because either she would have to walk around naked, or throw herself into the fire, or both, and then I'd be rid of her… hehe, actually that's quite nice to think about.
No, Jack. Stop making things worse.
"But why is the rum gone?" I asked her, hardly believing this was happening. When did she get to be such a prick? She bloody deserves Norrington… and they can go and have all their Norringbeth babies and live happily ever after… or… something babies, I don't know that guys first name. I'm sure it's something prick-ish. Not like Jack… what a good name. Yeah.
"Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and then you will see white sails on that horizon." She said, in that you-know-I'm-right way that made me want to kill something. I fumbled with getting out the pistol, aimed it at her head, and was about to shoot… oh, how I wanted to shoot her and… NO! NO, NO, NO, JACK, PUT THE GUN DOWN! PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT AWAY! Yeah, that's good, just, put it back and walk away… go find a bird or something to shoot… yes, Jack, that's right, just… walk away…
"Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must've been terrible for you… Well it bloody is now!" Yes, that's what she said, that little… oh, I have to shoot something, must… hurt… something… oh… oh, no… what is that in the distance? Don't tell me it's… I will never be able to look at her again. I should just… shoot myself now, to get over that glance she's going to give me… I-told you so…
"There'll be no living with her after this."
A/N So, what did you think? Should I do more? Not funny enough? I think my other one was better, you should read that instead…