Easier to Feel (Part 2)
by MorphailEffect

"Hou," Mukahi Gakuto greeted, in the lofty, disinterested manner that Tezuka had already associated with him since his middle school days. He was wearing a track suit and his hair was damp. In contrast to both Tezuka and Oshitari, he still looked very young -- like the bright-eyed 16-year-old he was.

"If it isn't 'sullen' and 'slimy,'" Mukahi quipped.

His red hair was longer than Tezuka remembered. But then, so was Oshitari's. Tezuka noted that it suited them both. Vanity was always Hyotei's strong point.

"Slimy yourself," Oshitari replied. Gakuto bent towards him and he turned his head for a quick peck on the lips. Over Gakuto's shoulder, Tezuka saw a few interested patrons staring slack-jawed. They turned away the instant they saw that Tezuka had noticed them.

It was curious that Oshitari hooked up with someone with the same first name as Tezuka's favorite pop artist. But Tezuka didn't even think Oshitari remembered.

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything for real," Mukahi said with his hands on his hips. "I was just taking a walk in the area. I got Yuushi's text, so I decided to drop by and say hi."

Flaunting his possession. Apparently, he wasn't above that. Did he think Oshitari was in danger of being stolen away?

A level-eyed nod to Tezuka. "Hisashiburi jan, Seigaku no Buchou-san."[1]

"Mukahi."

"Oh how formal," Oshitari sighed. "Sit down and have dinner with us, Gakuto. You're here anyway."

Gakuto shook his head, but was already sitting down. "Nah, I'm not hungry. I could do with something cold to drink, though..."

Oshitari called one of the gaping waiters over to their table. Gakuto planted his chin on one hand, studied the third party, while Oshitari ordered for him.

"Hmm, you look like you're doing well, Buchou-san. Keeping fit..."

"Akan [2], don't call him 'Buchou-san,' Gakuto. We're not in middle school anymore," Oshitari interrupted.

Mukahi sniffed and ignored him. "Fancy meeting you here, though. Are you here with someone, too, by any chance...?"

"He's here with his family. They come every year." Oshitari seemed intent on sparing Tezuka the pain of having to deal with Mukahi's inquiries. But Tezuka would not be sheltered.

"Mukahi. I heard you two are about to end your vacation here. How did you like it?"

"Well...was all right," Mukahi replied. "Saved me from the drudgery of working a whole summer as a coach at tennis camp."

The cold drink that Oshitari ordered came. He looked away for a second to thank the attendant who brought it.

In that second, Tezuka noted the look in Mukahi's eyes: smug and unfriendly. It said that Mukahi knew about Oshitari and Tezuka's past. That he was happy with what he had and wasn't going to surrender it to any threat, real or imagined.

Tezuka found it halfway amusing. Mostly annoying, though. He was going to cut through it and get to the heart of the matter, courtesy be damned. Still unsmiling, he pronounced: "I didn't mean to get in the way of your plans. If this dinner is inconvenient..."

"Inconvenient?! Not at all," Oshitari said quickly, sitting straight up again. "Right, Gakuto?"

"...I can leave," Tezuka finished firmly.

Mukahi was already sipping his drink as Tezuka spoke. When he was finished, he ran his hand through his red hair, sighing in exaggerated frustration.

"Really, Buchou-san...if my presence at this table makes you uncomfortable, just say so."

Oshitari pulled a face. Mukahi himself was never one for beating around the bush...though unlike Tezuka, he could if he wanted to.

"Oh well. I know when I'm not welcome." He stood unhurriedly. "I'll see you both later, I guess. Or you, at least." Twisted his slender body to bend over towards Yuushi. "Until I'm sick of the sight of you." Another quick peck on the lips. This time Tezuka could swear he heard a girlish shriek of surprise from somewhere in the room.

A final wave to them all, a final friendly-unfriendly-he's-mine smile at Tezuka, and Mukahi was jogging out the door.

Oshitari rubbed the knuckles of one hand while smiling at Tezuka. "Quite the little exhibitionist, isn't he?"

"He hasn't changed, either," Tezuka noted.

"A lot of things haven't changed. You, least of all, Kuni."

Tezuka stiffened at the familiar nickname. He couldn't help glaring. But Oshitari was no longer looking at him.

"Let's go outside after we're done eating, all right?" Oshitari muttered. "I need fresh air. And a smoke."

***

It got so it made Tezuka uncomfortable just to be seen with his friend. Intrigue followed Yuushi, girls with sad shining eyes whispered and sometimes interrupted their breaktime conversations to have a "talk" with the cat-eyed boy, and Yuushi would always abandon whatever he was doing to go.

Being with Yuushi felt like being with a pop idol. However, Yuushi once admitted that he went out with different girls out of "sheer curiosity." He took up smoking because it "looks cool." Catching accidental glimpses of Yuushi stealing kisses in shadowed corners didn't help Tezuka's sinking regard for his friend at all.

Yuushi neglected his schoolwork too, and it disturbed Tezuka somewhat that Yuushi never asked him for help. It even seemed that Yuushi himself had started becoming averse to spending time alone with Tezuka.

Sometimes Tezuka would catch Yuushi staring at him with a strange wistful look. But whenever he caught Yuushi at it, Yuushi would respond with an embarrassed smile, and either say something smart-ass about Tezuka being "cute," or just plain look away.

Tezuka told himself not to care. There were more important things to keep him occupied. He was experiencing changes in his body, too, and God forbid he was going to give into them like Yuushi was.

Thankfully, he wasn't growing as quickly as Yuushi was, so with any luck he was going to avoid being hormonal until middle school. Then once he reached middle school, growth would become a necessary thing. There would be tennis clubs there, with worthy rivals and opponents. He would need the extra feet of reach.

He had his school life all planned out, built around the dream of being a pro tennis player. Which was why it annoyed the hell out of him whenever Yuushi stuck a lit cigarette in his face and insisted he take a long puff, just one.

"Why are you so intent on teaching me your bad habits?" he demanded.

Yuushi shrugged and took his cigarette back. "Well, you taught me how to play tennis. What have I taught you?"

That answer made absolutely no sense to Tezuka.

"You helped me sharpen my skills. It's a shame you were never really interested in tennis. You could be a pro if you just tried harder."

"Ah, so that's all I am to you. A tennis partner."

"Oshitari," Tezuka sighed, "don't waste my time. What exactly did you call me all the way up here for?"

Yuushi moved slightly away. They were on the rooftop of the school, the only place within school grounds where he could smoke out in the open and in peace. Only consequence was, there wasn't a lot of walking room.

"I just think it's unfair," Yuushi said, "that when I leave, I'll have been the only one who got a lot out of being friends with you. Won't I be leaving you anything?"

So. Tezuka's fears were confirmed. He had presumed that Yuushi and he would attend the same middle school, but he made allowances for Yuushi's shiftless family wanting to relocate right after graduation. It was a minor disappointment. But it made him turn cold inside and out.

"Will it matter?"

"Of course it will! If I left you now, I'd be breaking that promise I made to you that day in the tennis court...do you remember? I'll have left you with nothing, and you'll be lonely."

Yuushi should have been joking, Tezuka thought. He shouldn't have been looking that solemn.

"Yuushi. I'm saying it, in case it hasn't been clear so far..."

It was only when he looked back at the incident that Tezuka saw how vulnerable his friend was. How deeply his broadening shoulders were slouched, as if preparing to be hit. As if worn out and preparing for an in-court defeat.

"...I don't care if you leave me alone. I'll reach my goals without you."

***

The stars were beautiful that night. Up in the mountains, they looked larger and closer than they did back at home. The pleasant night air also helped dissolve the tension between them.

Tezuka heard Oshitari take a deep breath beside him. The two young men were walking off in a random direction.

"So how's your family? The great Ojiisan?" Oshitari began.

"Healthy as ever. His arthritis hurts him a little more, but it's nothing serious. Mother and Father are doing good."

"So ya na. That's good to hear. You still like Gackt?"

"He comes up with good stuff now and then."

"Every time I mention to Gakuto that you like Gackt, the little imp laughs his head off."

"That was unnecessary information," Tezuka pronounced. He wanted to ask Oshitari what else he mentioned to Gakuto, but didn't know how to do so without sounding jealous. Which he wasn't. So he dropped the idea. "What about you, you still like those cheesy TV dramas?"

"Hah," Oshitari grunted. "I've graduated from those. I turn to foreign cinema for my sappy romance fix now."

"Ah."

Oshitari took out a cigarette case, opened it, and offered it to Tezuka. "Smoke?"

Tezuka shook his head out of habit. Oshitari smirked.

"In the end, I didn't teach you anything at all...did I."

Oshitari took out a stick and clamped one end between his lips. To his surprise, Tezuka reached for a stick of his own. He gaped openly at his stoic companion.

"Erai kocha," [3] he exclaimed softly.

"I can live without the stuff, unlike you."

Oshitari lit his cigarette first, then Tezuka's. Tezuka bent forward slightly and sheltered Oshitari's hand against the night breeze with both his own.

A shadow fell over Oshitari's face, and did not lift even after he had slid his lighter back into his pocket.

"Nice place," Oshitari sighed out with his first smoke.

Tezuka looked around. He saw they had stopped to light their cigarettes by a small lake off the side of the dirt road -- one of the many natural lakes in those highlands. The clear, still water reflected what it could of the stars and the high summer moon.

"It is," Tezuka agreed. "Too bad it probably won't look so good in the daytime. You could have brought Mukahi here before you left."

Oshitari smiled vaguely.

"Well, let this be our place, then..."

"Whatever. There are fireflies too. Over there."

Tezuka felt Oshitari's eyes on him even as he looked out at the grove close to the water. He didn't return the stare. He had just pointed out the goddamned fireflies, he wasn't going to lose poise by looking away from them now.

"I thought I knew people, but I could never figure you out," Oshitari started to say softly. "You drove me crazy back in primary school..."

"It's every man's desired achievement in life," Tezuka said, blowing out a long thread of smoke, "to drive twelve-year-old boys crazy."

"Honma kai?" Oshitari chuckled. "Omoroi na... [4] That's probably why I don't feel so accomplished."

"You really want to know why you don't feel so accomplished?"

Oshitari coughed once. "No. Please. Spare me."

"Twelve-year-olds, eh. I didn't know you liked them that young, Yuushi."

"No...but when I look back now, I think I used to. Back when I didn't understand what I felt."

The fireflies drifted in and out of view to the calm music of the crickets' chirping.

"That's what I like about Gakuto...Feeling comes easy with him."

***

The tall dark-haired boy with eyes wide like a wounded cat's held Tezuka's stare bravely.

Then he smiled, as if at the snap of his fingers, he regained his air of confidence. He crossed his arms on the rooftop railing and leaned forward, all playful. "Well, I didn't doubt it for a second," he declared. "Of course you'll get by without me. You don't need anyone."

But Tezuka saw he was shivering lightly.

"What's the use of talking like this?" twelve-year-old Tezuka snapped impatiently. "You could have just said right out that you were moving."

"You're right," Yuushi muttered in a flat, resigned tone.

"I presume we won't see each other anymore after the summer break?"

"Yeah. Seems that way."

Tezuka was still cold inside. As if he had turned to stone. He didn't know why he reacted that way to the news, as if something inside him was threatened. But he didn't think it was important to find out.

"All right. So you've told me. We're done." Tezuka moved away from the railing and stood up straight. "I'll be heading to the student council meeting, then. Since we need the better part of the night to finalize the details for the graduation ceremonies, we won't be meeting at the park court ton -- "

Before he could finish, Yuushi had stepped up to him, tilted his chin up, and pressed their lips together.

Perhaps Tezuka was so used to Yuushi's presence, that he didn't suffer the impulse to jump back at the touch. What shocked him was actually the feeling that his eyeglasses were being pressed into his skin by someone else's eyeglasses. It was extremely uncomfortable. In fact, it pushed away any other physical sensation.

Tezuka took the cue from the pain and broke free just as Yuushi's other hand was reaching up to hold him close by the shoulder. The first thing Tezuka did was rearrange his spectacles.

Awakened by the distance, Yuushi stood very still, surprised at himself. The fingers of one hand soft against the empty space where Tezuka's shoulder would have been. He was no longer shaking.

"Attakaisugi," he said wonderingly, beneath his breath. Then bitterly he chuckled to himself, "Nani yutennen..." [5]

When Yuushi said things resembling lines from the TV dramas he so enjoyed, there was nothing in Tezuka's sparse repertoire of words that would ever be enough as a reply. It was like Yuushi was suddenly from another world, foreign and hateful. Like they had never really met in anything, not even in tennis...

Tezuka simply turned and exited the rooftop, his steps calm and leisurely.

It was only late that night, alone in his room, that the rush of emotions hit him: anger. Sadness. Betrayal.

But none of those feelings robbed him of sleep that night. Or on the many nights that followed, while he waited for news that the Oshitari family had finally moved out of the neighborhood. He and Yuushi met periodically and were civil to each other while they returned each other's things. The habit of park court practices dropped away without a sound.

There was no reason to be debilitated just because he was being left behind by someone he trusted.

He would not allow himself to be abandoned.

***

There was a bench by the side of the lake. Oshitari sprawled lazily on it with his arms behind the backrest. Tezuka simply sat back beside him, arms and legs crossed.

The dose of nicotine had loosened Tezuka's tongue, if not anything else. "You need someone to remind you how to feel?" he asked, when otherwise he wouldn't have taken the trouble.

Oshitari made a vague sound of assent. "And mind you, I had to get used to it first. You see before I entered Hyotei, there was someone in my childhood whom I admired purely for that person's...mind, I guess. Or spirit? What's the right word?"

It had to come out somehow. He let Oshitari talk. He could put the man down for excessive sentimentality later.

"...Anyway we had a relationship where feelings were out of the question. That person inspired me to approach life like that...to just do what you have to, without letting anything or anyone stand in the way. It worked for me, because I moved around a lot with my family, and I couldn't be attached to anything. It always hurt having to leave something behind..."

Oshitari smiled at Tezuka with genuine affection. "But guess what: I didn't have to leave anything behind in elementary school. I think that was the first time my heart was broken. My first unrequited love, you could say...But I'm still not sure..."

"How can you be not sure?" Tezuka interrupted.

"...I don't know. I just remember that after graduation, I stopped feeling anything. I didn't even feel rejected, or empty. There was...nothing. And then Gakuto..."

There was a pause. Tezuka threw the butt of his cigarette into the water. Nature could go fuck itself.

"You know this feeling when someone...completes you...Fills in all the empty spaces..."

"I don't know that feeling," Tezuka answered. "I've always believed a person can only complete himself. Anything else is an illusion. It fails to interest me."

Oshitari shook his head.

"It isn't just 'interesting.' It's like...everything makes sense, when it happens. Like you can do anything you want...because there's someone else there who fills in for the things you don't do."

"Sorry to wake you from your pleasant dream. But I think you're confusing your feelings for him with the headrush of playing a good doubles set."

Oshitari fell as silent as if a bomb had been dropped on him. He looked at Tezuka, eyes shining with something that might have been enmity.

"...You think I never thought about that?"

At the sound of his voice, Tezuka was beset with a sudden flashback: a child looking out at him from the other end of an adult-size court, too small and too shaken. Chau de. Toki ni itai ya. [6]

The long silence lay heavy between them. Then Oshitari's hand rose from behind the backrest. His fingers twined slowly but with sensual deliberation around Tezuka's hair. Tezuka flinched slightly, but did nothing else.

"I've always wondered why you let me touch you," Oshitari almost whispered.

"I don't know, myself."

Oshitari tensed. His fingers trailed down to rest on the bare skin just beneath the top of Tezuka's collar. "Nametonno ka." [7]

"I don't joke, Yuushi. You should know that better than anyone."

Tezuka edged further down in his seat to lean his head back against the arm that Oshitari had rested on top of the backrest. Oshitari had certainly not expected such an act. He found himself staring at Tezuka's upturned face, with a look that shuffled back and forth between fascination and fondness.

"I meant it when I said I could reach my goals without you," Tezuka continued.

Oshitari's heart sank -- it showed in his eyes.

"But I didn't know what I felt at the time, either," Tezuka finished.

He turned his head and faced Oshitari. For just one brief instant, he broke through his impassive mask, and smiled.

Oshitari smiled back. He was hurt, but he couldn't help himself. He removed his spectacles with his free hand, and gently removed Tezuka's, as well. He found himself staring into deep brown eyes that held no retribution. Or mercy.

"I know what I felt now. I know what I still feel," he said to Tezuka, with the helpless innocence of a child who had once said "Gottsu sukiyanenn" [6] from an unexpected place deep inside him. "What about you?"

Tezuka studied his old friend's face. He focused on the vague stirrings which had been waiting years to come to the surface.

"It's not that simple, Yuushi."

Oshitari brought his lips close to Tezuka's ear. It had been years, but the smell of his friend's skin, the closeness itself, intoxicated him.

"No. It isn't," he agreed.

He started to nuzzle Tezuka's neck. Tezuka reached up to touch his cheek, and he looked up at this signal. Tezuka brought his warm lips close, and then everything else fell away. There was no Gakuto. There were no emotions. There were no four years of longing. There was nothing else for Oshitari -- Yuushi -- to do.

Except shut up and serve.

(THE END)

******************************

1 - "It's been a long time, Seigaku's Captain."

2 - "Don't" like an equiv of "Dame"

3 - An expression. Something like "Oh my God." Except Yuushi says it jokingly here.

4 - "Honma kai?" = "Is that the truth?" ; "Omoroi na" = "Interesting"

5 - "Attakaisugi" = "So warm" ; "Nani yutennen" = "So fucking what?" ... or something to that effect.

6 - See the first chapter XD

7 - "Are you making fun of me"