Chapter 8: You're a WHAT?

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A/N Alright, people, I understand it's been quite some time since I've last updated. But this thing has been in progress for so long it seems to have lost its identity. Here we go!

"Nngh…" Kaz sat up, rubbing her head ceremoniously. "What the heck was that? I must've hit some pricy statue, or something, geez." She looked around for a moment, and saw a peculiar stuffed statue, her object of collision. She hadn't recalled seeing it before, but boy, was it sure life-like. It was about 3 feet in length wearing some wild suit, with sweat-slicked read hair.

Kaz touched its face. Woahh… She thought This thing even feels real… She cocked her head, investigating it. The Fowl's were most certainly a weird bunch, to say the least.

She suddenly remembered the reason she had been running. Some bizarre noise. Frightened, she looked around, and warily eyed the statue, it's chest slowly swelling, and slowly falling.

--wait, what? Her eyes widened. It was breathing! The statue was BREATHING. She scrambled to get up

"ARTEMIS! ARTEMIS COME HERE QUICK!" She said shrilly, backing away from the creature.

Artemis let his pen fall from his fingers, becoming exasperated.

"What," he began "What have you run into this time?!"

"I JUST SLAMMED INTO A TINY, THREE FOOT LEPRECHAUN THING AND IT'S BREATHING!"

Artemis shot a look at Butler, who returned his glance with the same question.

"You don't think it's…" But the two leapt up from their seats before finishing the question, and raced to the corridor where they heard the loud thump. Unnaturally loud, Artemis thought suddenly, his prodigious mind racing and computing the odds.

He nearly screeched to a halt, almost colliding with the terrified Kaz himself. His eyes fell immediately on the unconscious heap on the floor. His suspicions was confirmed. Captain Holly Short had indeed paid a visit to the Fowl Manor, and his fugitive criminal had unknowingly defeated her in the midst of her plans, er-- spying, or whatever devious action she had planned.

Artemis then began to wonder if she had been in the Fowl manor on numerous occasion without his knowledge. If so, how often? He pursed his lips, in deep thought. And this, this teenage head-case had taken her out in one shot. Despite her prestigious training and valuable strength for a female LEP officer, there was no way she could foresee a sudden, surprise attack. And the size difference between her and Kaz would surely be enough to knock Holly into dreamland. Artemis chuckled softly to himself.

"You are unbelievable."

"Hey! This is NO time for compliments. Would you mind explaing WHAT the HECK that thing IS!"

"Nevermind that," he said, waving her off, "Butler, take miss, er, Short to the Den,"

"Certainly, Artemis."

As Butler carefully lifted the tiny officer up, Artemis managed to snatch the ear piece and microphone. Butler carried Holly away.

Artemis cleared his throat, "Foaly. Foaly? I am fully aware that you can see me somehow with this contraption, do not play silent games with me. Foaly."

Nothing. Artemis decided to try a different approach.

"As you have no doubt observed, we have Holly, and she is out cold. We're not going to give her back, and I know you won't send a Recon team after me," A small, deviant smile escaped his lips, "You have no idea what I am capable of, remember,"

"Oh, pshhht," A voice crackled to life. "Fowl, you're messing with the wrong genius."

"Great minds think alike," he said, tapping his temple briefly with an index finger. There was silence.

Foaly knew Artemis wouldn't lay a finger on Holly. They had been through too much together for him to be so heartless, even as a mudman. He had to think quickly, though. Fowl could think up of something crafty in no time, if he hadn't already…

"Alright, Fowl. What are you trying to do with the American Defense System?"

Artemis shrugged.

"Whatever I wish," he replied. "Why don't you come ask me, face-to-face. It seems that I have forgotten what you looked like."

Foaly rolled his eyes

"All the better to see you with, my dear," he chanted. "Is that not how the Mudman nursery sonnet goes?"

"Foaly, I must remind you, that if you had not sent Holly to spy on me, she would not be in my clutches, and we would not be having this conversation."

"Well, we can't have you up to no good," he said in a sickeningly mock-sweet voice.

"So it goes, Foaly, so it goes."

"We'll be in touch."

-click.-

All this time, Kaz was standing by, dumbfounded. Maybe She had met her match, she thought. This guy and his beast manservant thing was even loonier than her. The way Butler so seriously carried that thing away, and how Artemis had carried on a conversation with himself for a good seven minutes was unnerving. She needed to get out of this place, and fast.

But at the same time, as her fears slowly faded, she became more and more fascinated by the creature she had collided with. It was alive, she confirmed. It had to. Good 'ol Arty was running something big here…something bigger than big. Bigger than Project US, CAN, and FR put together! Bigger than the Pentagon! HOLY LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA!

She was on to something. She needed that thing. She didn't know what to expect, so this time, she decided to play dumb.

"Artemis," she said calmly, "what…was that?"

It was going to be rather tedious to avert the subject entirely. Foaly would have to do some serious mind swiping for this. He massaged his temples for a moment, thinking it through.

"That," he started, "that…was a fairy."