Disclaimer: We-ell, seeings as there haven't been any cheques in the mail.
. .'tis not mine.
AN: This is a sequel to "Colonel O'Neill's Guide to the Universe".
2AN: The title of this fic belongs to Witchbsword.
Spoilers: Practically everything. . .Homecoming, Holiday, 1969 - ah shoot, can't be bothered to list all of them.
~~~
Major Carter's Handbook to the Universe
~~~
Never try to explain the wormhole theory to Colonel O'Neill. Chances are he'll bring the latest re-run of Star Trek up and match it to whatever you're saying.
Next time the Colonel is stuck in cryogenics, leave him there.
Remember to have coffee handy in case Jonas Quinn drops by for some "light" conversation.
If Teal'c doesn't say "Indeed" in your vicinity at least twice, it'll be Jack after a body swap.
Make sure Daniel doesn't fall in love with every stray woman he meets, especially if the said stray happens to have been known as a world destroyer.
Do not leave diplomacy to the Colonel or he will start a war.
Always destroy any clothes left over from a time travel, as it is decidedly uncool.
On a further note, never wear cute pink shades!
Remind Daniel to feed Jonas' fish or Jack will undoubtedly cook them.
Even if the Colonel is the size of a teenager, let him do the military talking. He'll just find another way in.
Don't be too pleased when the Asgard beam you up. It just means their hero is out another mission.
.
Definition of Jack O'Neill: Sir - nothing more, nothing less.
Symptoms: Being a Jackass (no pun intended, of course), unusual lack of brain power
Treatment: Even Dr Frasier will agree that it is beyond curable.
.
Learn how to tell lies good enough to fool a Zatarc - and soon.
Don't watch the first five minutes of a Wormholes Extreme episode or you'll start comparing the characters to your team for the entire hour.
If Martouf starts getting funny ideas when you're out alone with him, discreetly call backup.
Stop Jack influencing Jonas and Daniel too much. There is a time when you have to be worried about spiky things that are about to be stuck in your head.
When taking Air Force misfits for a joy ride to another planet, make sure it's safe first.
And most importantly, stop thinking about Colonel Jack O'Neill!!!
~~~
AN: Yes, I have been watching far too much Stargate recently.
AN: This is a sequel to "Colonel O'Neill's Guide to the Universe".
2AN: The title of this fic belongs to Witchbsword.
Spoilers: Practically everything. . .Homecoming, Holiday, 1969 - ah shoot, can't be bothered to list all of them.
~~~
Major Carter's Handbook to the Universe
~~~
Never try to explain the wormhole theory to Colonel O'Neill. Chances are he'll bring the latest re-run of Star Trek up and match it to whatever you're saying.
Next time the Colonel is stuck in cryogenics, leave him there.
Remember to have coffee handy in case Jonas Quinn drops by for some "light" conversation.
If Teal'c doesn't say "Indeed" in your vicinity at least twice, it'll be Jack after a body swap.
Make sure Daniel doesn't fall in love with every stray woman he meets, especially if the said stray happens to have been known as a world destroyer.
Do not leave diplomacy to the Colonel or he will start a war.
Always destroy any clothes left over from a time travel, as it is decidedly uncool.
On a further note, never wear cute pink shades!
Remind Daniel to feed Jonas' fish or Jack will undoubtedly cook them.
Even if the Colonel is the size of a teenager, let him do the military talking. He'll just find another way in.
Don't be too pleased when the Asgard beam you up. It just means their hero is out another mission.
.
Definition of Jack O'Neill: Sir - nothing more, nothing less.
Symptoms: Being a Jackass (no pun intended, of course), unusual lack of brain power
Treatment: Even Dr Frasier will agree that it is beyond curable.
.
Learn how to tell lies good enough to fool a Zatarc - and soon.
Don't watch the first five minutes of a Wormholes Extreme episode or you'll start comparing the characters to your team for the entire hour.
If Martouf starts getting funny ideas when you're out alone with him, discreetly call backup.
Stop Jack influencing Jonas and Daniel too much. There is a time when you have to be worried about spiky things that are about to be stuck in your head.
When taking Air Force misfits for a joy ride to another planet, make sure it's safe first.
And most importantly, stop thinking about Colonel Jack O'Neill!!!
~~~
AN: Yes, I have been watching far too much Stargate recently.