So long the sturdy stone walls stood, trimmed with age and wear; steadfast and uncaring of the hour. They echoed no time, no distance, no place; spare the earth that bore them. Each was etched with smooth indentations and un-even edges, though; the look was refined and well kept. Torches glinted in the dull reflections off the stone. The hour was late and the stars had not shown themselves this eve. Alone, the King Elessar strode down the corridor, clearly weary and lost in thought. Yet another council has driven on to the night... Everyone is most likely asleep, I best be quiet... Soundlessly, he approached the large cedar door, opening it without a sound.
Sighing softly, Arwen gazed out the window into the night, unaware that the door to she and Aragorn's chambers had been opened. The world was quiet and seemingly peaceful tonight, though no stars shone brightly in the sky...and the glowing moon was but a sliver of pearl in the velvet-black heavens.
Without even a tread or tap revealing him, Aragorn crossed the room to stand behind his queen. Why did you wait for me... his eyes seemed to ask his thoughts as the fell upon her. She was why he stayed and did not pass from this earth, and even then, did she regret staying behind? Did she have any remorse that she did not pass into the Gray Havens? Did mortality taste as bitter to her as it did to him? As he had many times, he suppressed the thoughts. Finally, he broke his silence with not noise, but with a single hand that lifted from his side, worn with care, and placed it upon her shoulder. "Arwen, you did not need to wait..."
Arwen turned quietly to him and smiled gently up into his face. "I wanted to, my love," she told him, and trailed a soft caress down his face. "I wished to see your face before I fell asleep."
A weak smile came to him for a moment, lighting his aging features. His hair, once deep brown had faded into a monotone gray, and it seemed that his eyes had lost light much the same. He was aging, and it was clear. "Hannon le, meleth nin." Such things meant so much to him since he had been kept into many long councils.
Arwen smiled tenderly in response. Aging his eyes were, and yet to her, they were the same...for the same, golden sun that she had seen in them the first time they had ever met was still there, shining radiantly into her own gaze. Unlike Aragorn, no sign of age was upon her, save only her eyes, which were deep pools that reflected with the wisdom of many Ages, and a single, thick lock of frost stood out in her long, raven-dark tresses; the only sign of her chosen mortality.
Tenderly, he lifted his hand and caressed the snowy lock behind her ear. "The council has kept me late once more..." he sighed. Slowly, he lowered himself onto the sofa beside her.
"I hope all went well though, love?" she asked, taking one of his hands in hers.
He thought for a moment and his grip tensioned. No... "Not as well as I had wished."
A look of concern alighted her gaze as she looked to him. "Why?"
They lack faith... "I have been unsuccessful in persuading them, that is all."
Sighing, Arwen shook her head, softly caressing his hand soothingly. "They just cannot see, my lord, but that does not mean to give up faith just yet. There is always hope, Estel." Her tone was soft and loving, but she too had doubts about these people. Suddenly, the question that had long been nagging at her came back. How would this Kingdom survive...how would it last...without Aragorn to lead it? And once again, her heart filled with despair to even think about his...fading. Arwen's hold on his hand tightened, as if to reassure herself that he was still here...that he was still beside her.
"I know," he sighed, thought his thoughts betrayed him. I can feel myself begin to loose sight of the reason why I stay...
She searched his crystalline gaze for a long moment before saying, "And yet, this council is not all what you have been thinking about of late, has it, beloved?" she asked gently.
For a moment, he silently looked downward to the ground. "I..." he breathed. It had been many long years since he paused like he did now, lost of words.
She was silent as she watched him, and then she moved closer to him so that now they were touching. Gently, she rested her head on his shoulder. "You can tell me, love, if you wish."
"Long have I wondered," his eyes grew distant, as if gazing into the far gone sunset, as he looked back at her. "When I watch the Twilight fall upon Minas Tirith, I wonder, do you regret staying behind, beloved?"
Arwen raised her head to gaze at him. Then, she said softly, "I find myself, at night while you sleep beside me, wondering the same thing. And yet, when I look back on all that I have done with you, what I have given you and what you have given me, the answer to that question is always the same. Never. Never do I regret my desicion. For I know now as I did so long ago that I cannot live without you. You are the other half of my soul. Without you, I cannot be."
Happily, he sighed. "So often have I wondered this, and now, I need not wonder."
"So often you wonder? Even as I lie beside you at night...in your arms...and yet you wonder if I am happy or not?" She gazed at him. "You must know that I am most blissful by your side, Estel."
She placed one of her hands tenderly atop both his. "I know you have had so much to attend to, my love. I know that your days are so frequently taken by the councils, and I accept that. It is apart of who you have become over these past years. I am glad, though, Estel, that the councils do not follow you into our chambers." She smiled a little, tilting his chin up with her other hand. Then her expression sombered. "You say that you feel lost. Why?"
"A few of the advisors have told me some still doubt..." his voice faded. It was clear that this rankled him much. His hands turned over within each other. Slowly, his right hand raised, brushing his long locks behind his ears.
"Doubt...what, love?"
"They doubt that the things I choose are good for the kingdom. Some yet wonder, after all these years, that a Ranger can handle the duties of a kingdom," he sighed. As his hand came down, he rested his elbow on his leg and leaned forward, resting his chin in his fingers.
Arwen's eyes sparked. "Why they think that, I do not know. You have done so well for our Kingdom, Estel. I know of no one who could rule better. You are kind, just, noble and you think of others before you think of yourself... You have so many honorable virtues that has made you the strongest King of Gondor in all these past years." Gently, she ran her fingers briefly through his hair before resting her hand in her lap again.
"I cannot change Men's hearts, if that is what they see me as," he gazed up at her. "Then they have made up their own minds so many years ago." His eyes gleamed with distant moments that drifted away upon the cool breeze into the world beyond, where the kingdom of Gondor rested, silently in their homes, with their families, and peace.
"No..." she replied softly. "You cannot change their hearts...especially if they are so set in their opinions and ways. And yet, do not dwell on it, love." She gazed back into his eyes, she too remembering the distant memories which now seemed no more than a dream...a dream long gone. A dream in which she longed she could relive once more. A dream where time again would seem to stop...as it had upon Cerin Amroth. As it had in Imladris so long ago when she had given him the Evenstar. As it had on their marriage eve. She longed for those now distant days...when her beloved had not been so...tired. She could think of no other way to explain what she saw in his eyes. He seemed...weary. And seeing such weariness in his eyes frightened her.
"I cannot help but do so when I see such bent ideas in their eyes, in their actions, and even in the people about them." The chill that had entered his eyes of late had not melted away with passing time. Like an animal caged for too long, the once vibrant flame that had pushed him forward through the brutality of exile and war had faded into dim embers. "And it effects the people."
"The people can not be so affected as long as you are here to protect them," she said softly.
Solemnly, he nodded, but said nothing for the sorrow that had slowly began to grow in his heart.
She watched him for a long moment, sensing the change that was starting to overcome him. Of late, he had seemed so sorrowful...so sad...as if he were in despair. Even at night, when he would lay in her arms, she could sense it. Just like his eyes, this frightened her as well. It was so unlike her Estel of old. Had so many mortal years really passed them by...to leave such a mark on her beloved? "Estel..." she whispered, her voice wavering. No… she thought. I must not tell him my fears... he has so much already in his thoughts... She looked down suddenly, her dark tresses falling about her...the one, snowy white lock glittering brightly in the moonlight which now came in through the window.
The soft touch of his gentle fingers pressed against her chin, turning her face to his as he brushed her raven locks behind her ear. A faint smile grew where his solemn look once sat. He could see her inner turmoil through her eyes and her actions. "What troubles you?"
The loving look in his eyes and the tenderness in his touch undid her right then. A single tear trickled down her cheek. Her throat seemed to close, and for the first time in so many long years, Arwen let herself cry in front of the one person she did not want to cry in front of. He does not need this...
"Undomiel..." The touch of his gentle embrace encircled her. "Beloved..." Softly, he stroked her long tresses that hung loosely down her back.
Arwen buried her face in the side of Aragorn's neck, her lips touching his skin as her cold tears fell from her eyes. All of her forebodings and fears that she had been keeping and hording inside her heart for so long were now broken free, and like the melting of ice, she gave herself fully in to his embrace. She was silent as her tears fell, save the shuddering of her body against his. For so long had she needed to weep as she did now. For so long had her feelings been locked away inside of her. Arwen's arms encircled him, almost fiercely. She had always known that her husband had forever looked to her for comfort, joy, and strength...and yet here she was, weeping in his arms. He does not need to see me like this...
Softly, he hushed her, yet gently caressing her long hair. "Tell me, love, what troubles you so?" his voice was sweet and reserved as he held her.
Arwen leaned back from him only slightly so she could gaze up into his eyes. Tears still fell and glimmered upon her smooth cheeks as she searched his gaze. She let out a soft sob before she settled back against him, trying to gather enough will to tell him what lay in her heart. "Estel..." she whispered, not knowing how to begin.
As so many a time she had comforted him, he waited, being, if nothing else, a shoulder to catch her sorrowful tears. He could wait, and for her, he would wait a lifetime need be.
"For a long while now, love, I've noticed a change in you," she said softly. "And the change has not fled. It has been years now, since I have first noticed it...and..." She looked back up into his eyes before looking down once more. "It frightens me. Nothing has ever frightened me so, Aragorn."
"What is it beloved?" Would it be something he could change, he would do so in an instant. In his heart, he knew what she spoke of, but he too, had long-wondered about the fear of Mortality. It crept upon him like a hunter upon its prey, and now, the hare ensnared in the trap, his graying expression gazed back at her, unrevealing of the words that he meant to speak, but could scarcely utter yet.
"What it is, I cannot say, meleth nin," she replied softly. "All I know is that I see...weariness...in your eyes that has not fled along with the passing time. It will not leave. Even though I cannot always see it, I can feel it. Sense it. For many years now has it been haunting my very footsteps." Suddenly, another tear trickled from her eye. "I do not want to lose you, Estel..." she whispered, her voice breaking.
Her words, like the impact of cold snow on a warm summer day, or the stab of a blade, shattered him within. His next words were cloaked by silence. It took many long moments before he gathered himself up enough to even think. "Undomiel... I..."
She looked away, more tears running down her face. Mortality, she thought bitterly, is cruel. I do not see how it can be a gift...for it causes so much grief and despair in unsuspecting hearts...
The soft caress of his hand never ceased, in fact it grew more rapid and desperate. "Undomiel," he began, more collected than before. He stared for a long moment into the depths of her eyes. So much they held. Years of wisdom, years of sorrow, but most of all, many long years of love. He loved her more than any other. Yet this news, this final blow to all the pains he ever had to commit in his lifetime. "My time comes soon."
"Your time..." her voice trailed off, and something flashed in her eyes. She knew what he meant, and yet, deep within the depths of her heart, she had known for a long while that his time was drawing near. But she could not accept this. She would not...not yet! "No..." she whispered, her voice tight, and she looked away from him. It seemed that someone had taken a knife and drove it straight into her heart - tearing it.
The wrench of pain she felt echoed into his heart. He had no words to comfort her. He caused this pain, though more mortality caused this wrenched evil. Never did he wish to hurt her, yet he knew this wound he gave her would never truly heal.
Even though he continued to caress her, she could not lift her eyes to his...though she could feel him gazing at her. How could he do this to her? How - in the middle of her lifetime and his - could he say that his time was ending? It did not have to end yet...not yet... For the Kingdom was still in its process of healing, all their children were not fully grown yet, save Eldarion, who was so close to becoming a grown man... And she was not yet weary of her days in Middle-earth...nor was she weary of her time that she spent with him...her Estel. She could not look at him....
"It is not my choice, love," he sighed, feeling the cold drip of a single tear down time-worn cheek. "Mortality has finally caught up with me, and I fear its wrath is not gentle nor kind."
She shook her head, then, with despairing eyes, she gazed back up at him. "I know it is not your choice. Mortality," her voice seemed hard, "is cruel. It takes what is most dear to me. Aragorn...do not leave me yet..." she whispered, wishing that her tears would stop flowing.
"Im meleth le, Undomiel," he whispered through the silent tears that streamed down his cheeks now. "Im gordefuva." {I love you, Undomiel, I always will.}
"Aragorn," she breathed gently, a tone of agony in her low voice. Tears still fell from her eyes as she lifted her hands to his face, wiping away his own tears even as they trickled from his crystalline depths. Her fingers caressed the sides of his face, his temple, his cheeks.
Oh, love, my heart, you are my life. What am I to do once you are gone? Without you here beside me, there will not be a golden sun to light my sky...there will not be any love in my life - there will be no one here for me. When you leave, my Estel, I do not know what I will do...I know I will drift helplessly without you...I know my heart will surely die. Then where is my silent heart to go? Do you not know that you are my everything in life? Do you not know that you are my reason for my love, my life, my being? So tell me now...
"How will I live without you?" she asked him brokenly, such despair had never before been heard in her voice.
She moved closer into the circle of his arms. You are the reason, Estel. You are the reason I wake every morning, and sleep through the night. You are the reason. My reason.
She ran her fingers softly through his locks as her face came closer to his. Once we were of one mind...drifting in one time...and we became lost in that one time, in our endless dream... But something is gone from your picture of our life...if only you could see that I am still here...breathing and living only because of you...and what we have. If only you could see, like you did before. Again, you have become imprisoned. Can I not reopen the door to hope and salvation?
Then, when their faces were but inches apart, Arwen gently closed the space between them and her lips met his. She had meant the kiss to be soft...to be gentle...and yet, as her tears fell, it suddenly turned urgent...desperate...
Silently, he held her, reveling in the moment. Why was he so torn? What evil fate would give him this reason to live, yet rip life away? O! Undomiel, had I the choice, I would live on. I would stay here beside you, forever. But nay, I have not forever to behold the greatest wonder ever placed in Middle-Earth. I count myself the most blessed amongst Men, for I am able to awake to the wonders of dawn to find an angel in my arms.
Arwen felt his arms tighten around her, and her own arms tightened about him as well. Never before had Arwen felt so desperate...so in need of his reassurance and his loving touch. Their tears mingled as one and one of her hands found its way to one of his, grasping it, intertwining her fingers within it.
I know not how to tell you to let go… Slowly, he pulled back. For never would I ask you to, but to live on without me… That day is dawning soon. The tears ceased to fall down his cheeks as he thought of what to say. "Arwen…"
Just like his own tears, hers began to finally cease as well, but her hand remained intertwined with his. "How can I remain here if you are not by my side, love?" she asked, her voice soft and full of despair.
"You must live on," he looked longingly into her eyes, pleading silently that she understood. "For you are meant to live on, meant to bless the world yet with your beauty, wisdom, and grace." Gently, he lifted her hand to his lips. As he closed is eyes he softly kissed her hand.
She shook her head, looking sadly up into his face. "It is true that I am immortal, meleth nin, but I will be only as you remain here, by my side."
He knew this, and it saddened him greatly. "But our children need you..." he paused. "I need you here." In his passing, he knew that Eldarion, their only son, would become King of Gondor and Anor. He was well ready, but yet would need guidance.
She gazed back up into his face, seeing his sadness. "Our children, our son..." she shook her head, suddenly lost in what to do and say. She loved all her children, and Eldarion especially, their only son, their firstborn. For years, she and Aragorn had been teaching him the ways of the Kingdom...and she knew that he was almost ready to carry on his father's rule... But Estel was right, their son would indeed need guidance once Aragorn was...gone...and she would be the only one to help him.
Their beloved daughters were wise and beautiful beyond their years, but Arwen knew that wisdom of ruling a Kingdom can only come with age, and, though they were yet wise, they would not be able to help him and support him in his first few years as she could. Yes...she would need to stay, at least for a time, with her children before she would allow herself to fade away as well. Though, each day would be like living in darkness...in bitter cold. "I will stay," she whispered, "for a short time, if that is your will, Aragorn. But you do not know how much...pain...this will cause me, beloved. And you will never know..." Her voice wavered, and she drew in a breath. "But I will stay...for you and for them."
The pain in her words froze his heart. "Forgive me," he breathed. All of their children, however wise beyond their years, needed her, and it saddened him to know that it caused her pain to stay. Living without her pained him so long ago, and that pain would be worse for her, for he was leaving, forever.
She shook her head. "Nay...there is nothing to forgive, meleth nin. I was selfish to even think of fading...without helping them and giving them my support." Though there was a faint smile on her lips, her heart seemed frozen. "But you must know, my beloved, that I cannot stay here without you for long. You are my everything in life, my sun, my love." She reached up to touch his face gently. "I will not sleep and I will not breathe if you are not resting here with me, and I will not be...until I will rest with you once more. For I cannot live without your love."
"Hannon le, meleth nin..." His eyes passed to the open balcony. As if struck by a thought, he rose, taking her hand and leading her out onto the balcony. "And here..." he raised her hand with his as he brushed the heavens, then swept the horizon of their lands. "Here I will rest with you," then he took her hand and pressed it to her own heart, beating steadily within her chest. "And here."
Unlooked-for tears shone once more in Arwen's eyes. "Then we shall never have to say farewell," she whispered. "For I will not be truly alone."
"Never truly alone, Undomiel, for never would I leave you, for you never left me."
With his words, a glorious smile shone on her face, alighting her eyes with a golden light...a light of a new hope and of a newly found salvation. "As we have proven before, meleth nin, we are one, in mind, heart, body, and soul." She closed the small space between them and embraced him, tightly, yet gently. "We are eternal."
Again, he stroked her hair. "And beyond this world I will wait, for mortality has no grasp of me there, and I will rest yet beside you until the day that we will dance together again, but then across the heavens we shall go, and eternal we shall be."
Tears welled up in his eyes, for he knew that soon, so very soon, this bliss of a perfect love would break once more. But here, he knew that it was not gone, and in joy and celebration of knowing that life alone does not sustain love, he bent in, first kissing her brow, then leaning closer, kissing her lips. The eternal peace that he had always known in her company filled him through and through as the night passed on. Even as the next dawning broke.
And eternal they were, even after the passing of the King Elessar and the rise of the rule of their son, Eldarion. Arwen lingered on for many a year, and when at last she felt her time had come, she found final peace amongst the glade in which she had come to know that love had no bounds, mortal or immortal, and returned to him. Their love and their tale lived on, and ever they danced together amongst the heavens with the stars, beckons of their everlasting love.
~Completed on~
July 8, 2003
By Silraen and Navana
Adrift
A bitter-sweet memory echoes through my mind
Of days we spent together.
Dancing through the evening mist
With not a care in the world
But now, alone in the bitter air,
I suffer the echoes with no one beside me.
I feel your touch, even in your absence
And I know that I truly loved you.
Did you know?
Did you know that I would give the world
To hold you again?
But the world is not mine to give.
You were my world,
My Sun, my moon, my stars,
And without you I drift in emptiness,
A vessel torn of all its sails.
Adrift I wait,
For life to take me back to you
For mortality is not only yours
But mine also.
And together we will dance amongst the stars
With the passing of our age
For love last like the stars,
Eternal.
~Navana
When you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
~ William Butler Yeats
'So, either by thy picture or my love,
Thyself away thou are present still with me;
For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move,
And I am still with them, and they will thee…'
~ William Shakespeare - Sonnet 47