Chapter: 1
Title: A matter of time
Note: Wow, I don't know what I was on when I made this but seriously I need to get off of it. XP This was made like three years ago so I apologize for the random insanity. Lots. And lots. Of insanity.
Jack: Is that supposed to be doing that? -points at sun-
Sam: No, we're all going to die-I mean-um, yes? -looks innocent-
Jack:…….Good enough for me.
-At the temple-
Malikai: Shouldn't you be leaving know?
Daniel: We just got to P4X-639 and we don't know what this…big…dumb rock thingy does. -kicks alter-
Malikai: -holds up weird device thinger- It is Time!
Daniel: Time for what?
Malikai: Shut up annoying person! I am evil! -laughs like a nerd- -zaps Daniel-
Teal'c: -walks over to check up on Daniel- Why is Daniel Jackson on the ground? Is he sleeping?
Malikai: Um……yes! That's it! -pushes weird stones-
-Gate activates-
Jack: HEY! What the heck do you think you're doing?
Malikai: Well obviously I'm starting my diabolical plot! -evil laughter ensues- -snorts-
Jack: Hey!
Malikai: You can never stop me!
-Jack and Teal'c run over to Malikai-
Jack: DOGPILE!
-BRIGHT FLASH
Daniel: I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel about it. What do you think?
Jack: -looks wildly around-
Sam: Bonzo-I mean sir is something wrong?
Jack: Weren't we just at P4X-639?
Daniel: No.
Jack: Oh. Okay.
At the briefing
Sam: So we basically want to blow it up-
Hammond: I thought we were there to study it.
Sam: Oh yea.
Teal'c: Haven't these events occurred?
Jack: That's what I was about to say!
Daniel: What?
Jack: We've been threw this day before!
Teal'c: O'Neill is indeed correct
Jack: -looks over to Teal'c- How are you able to say stuff like that?
Infirmary
Janet: -points pen light thing in Jack's eyes-
Jack: Hey, what are you trying to do, kill me?
Janet: YES! I AM THE DARK QUEEN OF ALL LIGHT! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA! -lightning strikes in background-
Teal'c: Glares at Thermometer.
Jack: -edges away from Janet as she continues to laugh-
-Hammond and Sam come in-
Hammond: We've cancelled your mission.
Jack: Cool.
Mess Hall
Sam: Don't you know what I'm going to say? -pouts-
Jack: No. We were on the planet by this time.
Sam: Ok. I'll go and try to blow up the world- I mean think of something. -shifts eyes-
Jack: Ok.
Chevron guy: Off world activati-OH WHO CARES! I'M SO SICK OF THUS JOB! Dial this, dial that, all I ever do is DIAL! Well someday…someday…
At gate room
Jack: -gets out of the way as Chevron guy runs past laughing hysterically-
Hammond: What's that?
-electricity builds on gate-
Jack:…Um…I forgot my lines.
Sam: Not again!
Teal'c: We have seen this before.
Daniel: Great.
BIG FLASH
Daniel: I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel about it. What do you think?
Jack: -drops spoon and falls onto knees- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Daniel: -pauses- It was just a question.
Sam: What's wrong Bart-I mean sir…
Jack: I'm looping!
Daniel: You're Loopy?
Jack: -fumes-
Briefing room
Sam: So basically we're trying to blow it up-
Jack: we've done this!
Teal'c: O'Neill is indeed correct.
Daniel: We do this every day.
Jack: -whacks Daniel with his folder thing- I meant this day! And you'll believe us
when SG-12 comes threw that gate………..NOW!
Everyone: -looks at inactive gate-
Jack: Um…now?
-everyone looks once more-
Jack: How about now?
-long pause-
Jack: Any minute now….
Infirmary
Janet: -Points pen light at Jack-
Jack: Ah, that kills!
Janet: -smiles menacingly- I know.
Jack: Um…
Teal'c: -glares at thermometer- -eye twitches-
-Hammond and Sam walk in-
Jack: Don't even think about canceling our mission.
Sam: We're going to dial out instead.
Jack: Ok.
Janet: COWER AT MY ALMIGHTY MIGHTFULLNESS! MWHAHAHAHAHA -cough- I mean…hi Sam. -shifty eyes-
At Gate room
Jack: If this doesn't work I'm going to strangle you in my next loop.
Chevron Guy: Must…diabolically scheme…to destroy world. -evil clack of fingers-
Jack: Well!
Chevron Guy: -Glares- The 10th Chevron won't lock
Jack: There aren't 10 Chevrons.
Chevron Guy: FINE! BE THAT WAY! Then the 7th one won't lock. -shakes fist- Oh yea, and there's probably some kind of an off world activation.
Hammond: What's that!
Jack: What was I supposed to say again?
Teal'c: We have encountered this before.
Sam: Oh.
Chevron Guy: -begins to gnaw on chair-
BRIGHT FLASH
Daniel: I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel about it. What do you think?
Jack: -leans over table and dunks Daniel's head into the fruit loops-
Sam: -scoots out of the way so not to get splashed by the milk-
Jack: -grumbles-
Sam: -blinks- Is something wrong Mr. Pickle-I mean sir?
Daniel (very muffled): Um guys?
Jack: Yes! Me and Teal'c are reliving the same day!
Daniel (very muffled): Why is this milk sticky? I can't get up.
Jack: I can't stand this loop anymore!
Daniel (still muffled): No seriously, I think there's something living in here.
Jack: -Stalks out of the mess hall-
Daniel (still very muffled): Hello?
briefing
Sam: -opens mouth to speak-
Jack: here's the deal. We're in some sorta time loop, but only me and T. are the ones that
realize it.
Daniel: -flicks off a fruit loop-
Sam: Okay…..
Jack: But don't send us to ol' Doc Fraser!
Infirmary
Jack: I ask you, what is in my eye that will explain this?
Janet: DEATH! MWHAHAHAHA!
Teal'c: -wrenches thermometer out of mouth, thrusts it at ground-
-Hammond and Sam come in-
Jack: We already tried dialing out.
Sam: We found out that there's a mass network of-
Jack: Don't care. I think we'll have to ask Daniel on this one.
At Daniel's office
Jack: -enters- We need you to help us stop this time loop.
Daniel: You just dumped me in fruit loops! And I think there was some new life form alive in there too!
Jack: And your point is?
Teal'c: We need your assistance.
Daniel: The only way to do it is to learn all this agonizingly boring stuff.
Jack: Bummer.
Daniel: Yep.
Couple hours pass
Jack: Hey, I learned how to juggle! -a ball accidentally flies out of his hands, hitting Daniel's head-
Daniel: -falls unconscious-
Jack: Oops….Ah well, the loop will start over again and he'll be fine.
Chevron Guy: DOOM WILL BE ON YOU ALL!...And there's probably another off world activation or something.
Jack: Worst part about this is that Daniel's ending a question that I wasn't even listening to the first time.
Teal'c: I must endure some uncomforted too.
BRIGHT FLASH
-door slams into Teal'c's face-
Person: Sorry sir, I didn't see you.
Teal'c: You have said this on many occasions. Perhaps next time I won't be so forgiving.
-walks off-
Person: -blinks-
BRIGHT FLASH
Daniel: I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel about it. What do you think?
Jack: -stares down at fruit loops-
Sam: Um Potato head-I mean, sir are you ok?
-long pause-
Jack: Fruit loops….They seem so harmless…..So helpless….until they STRIKE! -slams fist into fruit loop bowl-
-milk spills everywhere-
Sam: -jumps-
WOOSH ((whoosh is a transition for the different time loops))
Jack: -sits in mess hall-
Teal'c: -comes over and plops into the seat across from him- Should we not be helping
Daniel Jackson?
Jack: I'm taking this loop off. -Ketchup spills from bottle onto plate- If we can't figure out how to stop this soon, I'm ganna lose it. squeezes out mustard
Teal'c: -raises eyebrow-
Jack: Lose it. It means go crazy.….nuts.…insane...Bonzo.…no longer in possessions of
one's faculties.…..three fries short of a Happy Meal… WACKO! -holds up smiley plate-
WHOOSH
Daniel: -scribbles stuff on chalkboard-
Jack: This is so boring!
Teal'c: -Reads Latin book for dummies upside down-
Daniel: Well actually this could be a window of opportunity.
Jack: -grumbles- Yea, and how is that?
Daniel: Well, you can do anything you want without having to worry…about consequences.
Jack: -exchanges glances with Teal'c- If you excuse us Daniel.
In the Gate room
Jack: -tries making pottery- -Makes it go faster- -Clay shoots everywhere- AHHH! TAKE COVER! KILLER POTTERY! FLEE!
WHOOSH
Person: -slams door into Teal'c's head- Sorry sir I didn't-
Teal'c: -slams door shut-
Person: AHHH! -thuds down stairs-
Teal'c: -grins-
WHOOSH
Hammond: -talking to person- Have you seen Jack?
Person: Actually earlier today….
earlier today in the halls
Jack: HA! I'm running! WITH SCISSORS! HAHAHA!
WHOOSH
-Jack and Teal'c are playing golf in front of the active gate-
Jack: -Hits ball- How far is Alaris?
Teal'c: Several billion miles away.
Jack: That's got to be a record.
Teal'c: -hits golf ball into gate-
People in Alaris
Alaris person: AHHH! The great circle of water is spitting out balls of destruction! -one hits him, rendering him unconscious-
Alaris people: -runs around screaming-
-their city goes in flames as everyone panics-
Jack: -pulls his arm up to hit the golf ball-
Hammond (from the loud speaker): Colonel O'Neill, what the HELL do you think you're doing?
Jack: -spins around- In the middle of my back swing!
WHOOSH
Jack: -stands up from his seat in the briefing room- I'd just like to announce that we've gone through with redecorating the gate room and burned the cafeteria food.
Hammond: -looks through window to gate- Are those walls pink?
Jack: Yea. That was T's fault.
WHOOSH
Jack: -stands up out of his seat from the mess hall- -chucks food at someone- FOOD FIGHT!
Teal'c: -ducks as food flies past him-
Jack: -tips over table for a shield- You'll never get us! Not ever! -Teal'c hits him with mashed potatoes-
WHOOSH
Hammond: -comes into the control room-
Jack: -in the gate room, stepping back to admire his work-
Hammond: Colonel, why the hell are there fruit loops on the gate!
Jack: Meh, needed something to throw them at. -shrug-
WHOOSH
Jack: -walks into control room in skiing suit-
Hammond: why are you out of uniform?
Jack: To give you my resignation.
Sam: -gets up- You're resigning, why?
Jack: So I can do…this -scoops Sam into his arms and kisses her-
WHOOSH
Sam: -shifts eyes- What are you staring at?
Jack: Nothin…..
Daniel: With the help from Jack and Teal'c I was able to translate this.
Hammond: Is there way to turn this off?
Daniel: -about to speak-
Teal'c: Indeed there is.
Hammond: Alright, have your team ready in 30 minutes.
Jack: -stares at Sam with glazed over eyes-
Teal'c: -nudges Jack hard in the ribs-
Jack: What-Yes, I do like pickles! -looks around- -cough- I mean, yes sir.
At the Planet
Jack: MALIKAI!
Daniel: There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
Jack: Oh he's here alright. -runs over to temple thing-
Teal'c: -runs into force field- -bounces back passed gate-
Daniel: -looks behind them- Wow. He went far, didn't he?
Jack: -squints in distance- Yea. Probably some kind of record.
Malikai: -goes to alter- I got the force shield from the Goa'uld!
Daniel: -scowls- The Goa'uld killed my wife.
Malikai: My wife died by a weak heart. So I turned on the loop.
Jack: Could you please turn the time loop off? Please?
Malikai: NOO! NEVER! -laughs evilly-
Jack: Hey! I'll give you some of these nifty fruit loops!
Malikai: Ok! -pushes rocks and turns it off- -switches off force field-
In the gate room
Hammond: So I guess you were successful?
Jack: Well you know what they say sir. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try….try, try, try, try, try, try…..try, try, try, try, try….try, try, try, try….try, try, try, and try again.
next day in mess hall
Jack: Oh heavenly oatmeal!
Sam: The To'kra had been trying to contact us for over 3 months-
Jack: Shush! I'm enjoying my oh so heavenly oatmeal -pets oatmeal-
Daniel: -stares-
Jack: Daniel, never ask me another question as long as I live.
Daniel: Er, ok, why?
Jack: AUGH! I just told you NOT to ask me another question! -throws oatmeal at him-
Daniel:…-oatmeal drips down face-
The End
Authors note: Yes, I know, I have no life. It's what I do. :P