Hello again. Lip Balm speaking. Today I introduce you to a new chapter of Not Johnny.
Jack: Ooh…goody. Elise is one mad woman. Why do all the pretty ones gotter be a damn smart ass? Yeh..all the gorgeous ones have a smack 'arder than a ton o' bricks.
Lip Balm: [Nudges Jack] I think you're a pretty one. ..and you don't seem to be a smart ass to me.
Jack: Really? I know I'm gorgeous, lass, but I be as sharp as me sword.
Lip Balm: No. You're just a mangy bilge rat…who can't make a rats ass on what's right or wrong. Daft, really. But pretty all the same.
Jack: Mm. Pudding.
Lip Balm: Pudding…which leads me to introduce you to your new Jack merchandise. It is a brand spankin' new corvette.
Jack: Corvette? I once tied a girl named Corvette onto my bed and..
Lip Balm: NO. NOT CORVETTE. I mean..a snippet of the Black Sails from the Pearl.
Jack: SO IT WAS YOU. YOU RIPPED UP ME SAILS.
Lip Balm: Sorry Jack, I won't be your leverage. I mean..I like black sails. And we girls get what we want. And we want you….your black sails.
Jack: Okay, fair enough. Speakin' of that Eunuch Boy, where he be?
Will: I'M RIGHT HERE. [Swings from a rope and shakes arse in everyone's face]
Jack: o_0;
Lip Balm: o_0;
Elizabeth: o_0;
Barbossa: o_0;
Monkey: o_0;
Elise: o_0;
Gibbs: o_0;
Bob the Tomato: o_0;
George Bush: o_0;
Fan girls: O_O_O_O_O_O; [DROOL]
Dr. Evil: Rooiiight. Onto the "laser"…I meant, "Story".
Lip Balm
---
A few silver keys jangled in my hand as I stuck them roughly into the lock and twisted the grating door open. Jack and Will stood behind me, looking incredulous and quite confused. Explanations were in order. I stepped inside, taking off my boots with one hand and hopping up a series of creaky stairs.
"You can come in," I said slowly, looking down at the befuddled looking men. I stared at the two and almost rolled my eyes in exasperation. The two did not step one foot into the frame of my door, as if they were afraid of little old me.
"Aye, so you can bind me up with rope and shoot me temple?" Jack asked, pulling out his own pistol once more.
I rolled my eyes this time. "Here's the deal, Mr. Sparrow. You agreed to the proposition. You dragged Mr. Turner, over there into it, and now you're not going to take a step into my own home. I'm harmless, I swear of it. But the truth is, I'd rather not be helping, than doing so. So if you will, enter or farewell."
Jack and Will entered, and followed suit, eyebrows raised and lips twisted into a bunch at the sides of their face. I reached over to a cold wall and flipped on the light switch, a blinding yellow light jumping out from the corner of a room.
Jack and Will both jumped a few feet and cried out.
"E-lec-tric-ity," I said slowly, pointing to the large lamp in the crook of a cramped living room. "E-lec-tric-ity. In modern times, we use it to light up our rooms. Like candles.."
"Erectability?" Jack asked, puzzled, taking off his hat and tucking it between his belt and abdomen. "Ye don't happen to have a regular ol' candle lyin' about, now do you? That light is blindin' me." I turned off the light and heard a sigh. "That be better, love."
"Close enough, no I don't and I already have," I said, knitting my eyebrows and settling myself in front of an old computer. "No candles, but I have a few matches." I opened the drawer and took out a few matches I had stolen from a nearby inn. I waved them in front of Jack's face, who stared plainly and lifted up one finger.
"No candles, eh?" Jack asked in a bored tone. "Then why do ye have matches?"
"To burn rum." I grinned, tucking the matches into my pocket and turning on my computer. It was a cursed old thing, probably one of the first to be made. Internet was always lagging, it froze every 5 seconds and it had the tendency to shoot sparks in all directions when I hit it. Will stared at the glowing screen and jumped when he heard little beeps coming from the speakers. That boy sure was jumpy. He didn't seem so jumpy in the screen…Oh yeah. He just got sucked into a whole freakin' new world and is trying to adjust. Why isn't Jack afraid. He's daft, that man. I looked over to Jack, who looked at me back in disgust, obviously thinking about his precious rum being burned to little nothings.
About 20 minutes later, I finally logged onto the computer and went to the Pirates main website. It took another 10 minutes and lots of flickering lights for it to load properly. Finally, the screen began to set and the face of Captain Jack Sparrow charged onto the flashing screen. As it loaded from top to bottom, I slowly noticed the little delicate features of Jack Sparrow. On the computer screen, of course, not when he was being the little smart ass like he was in real life. After this sudden realization, I pinched myself hard, making sure I wasn't having some sort of nightmare.
The red bandana wrapped around his head was pulled tight across his forehead. It was stained slightly from dirt and dust. A pair of dark eyes, lined with kohl as it were today. A long, sleek nose and pouty lips. Trinkets and knick knacks were tied around in little knots in his hair, which was long and dark. I bet it smelled like the sea.
Damn. Now I knew what my friends were always going about. Damn. They won't suck me in. They won't suck me in. They won't suck me in…
I heard two gasps behind me as the picture loaded fully.
"Why, that be me own face…" There was a slight pause. "What a bloody handsome fellow."
"What do you call that…"
"A computer, Mr. Turner.." I said swiftly. "You use it to write articles about the government, look up information on your enemies or help pirates enter back into their own world."
"You mean… pirate. There is only one barbarian in this room.." the voice was louder and stronger than it was before. Obviously the eunuch boy had thought a lot on this subject.
I ignored him and clicked onto pirates movie go and waited for the page to load. Loading cannons, mate appeared on a screen of black. Finally, the home page loaded, showing a picture of wrinkly man holding a skull. Barbossa. A pretty woman with white skin and a golden necklace. Elizabeth. The handsome man with the kohl traced eyes. Jack And the brown haired man with a pretty boy look. Will.
"Yer the devil," Jack said in an awed voice behind me. "Startin' fires without matches. Makin' rocks aglow. Creatin' all sorts of pictures form in front of me own eyes. All the gorgeous ones are evil." He rubbed the side of his cheek, as if remembering a certain event with a few certain gorgeous women.
I ignored that remark also, taking a quick look around to see Will Turner sitting quite tense in a squashy couch and a roguish looking Jack looking at the screen in front of me. When did he not look roguish?
"Lad," Jack said. "Ye be on the screen too."
Will walked over to the screen, looked swiftly to his own picture and laid a hand on Elizabeth's face. As if he had no fear of the glowing computer, he said,. "When are we going to save her?"
I hesitated before answering. "It could take weeks, years, decades, centuries…I haven't a clue on how to get sucked into the bloody past, damn it. Or even how you two got here in the first place… Damn it."
"Well, I was just.." Jack began and then placed a hand on his chin.
"Forget it," I interrupted as an angry looking Jack cast a look of poison towards my direction. "I'll tell you first. Have you ever seen a play?"
"I may be a blacksmith, Miss." Will said calmly. "But I am most certainly not an uncivilized man. Like him.." He jerked a thumb towards Jack, who was currently nicking a few pennies from the TV to my right.
"Well…a movie is almost like a play. The characters aren't real..and they are played by actors. You…" I stopped, noting on the befuddled looks on both the men's faces. Jack opened his mouth to speak once more. "Forget it….I'll just show you."
I clicked on preview and clips, turning the screen so that both of them may view the tiny little box. Figures jumped out from the tiny square, as Jack and Will saw themselves moving in action on the screen once more. The clash of swords sounded and a monkey holding a medallion appeared, as Jack and Will drew back in horrification. The screen subsided into a dull black, and then back onto the main website.
"So.." Jack said, calamity obviously strained in his voice. "That's be our future?"
"No," I said. "Yes..in a way. But, Mr. Sparrow..Mr. Turner…I think that future is going to be very different from the little clip you saw on the screen."
"Right," Will said, as if he understood.
"Okay, you can tell me your damn stories now.."
"As I was sayin' before I got so obnoxiously interrupted," Jack said with a look of delight. It was evident that he loved stories. In other words, he was going to exaggerate and dance around the room like a mad man. "A handsome bloody bloke by the names of Captain Jack Sparrow.."
"Hold on a second," I said, interrupting again and turning to my computer which froze into a bottomless black pit within a few seconds. I clicked the off button and turned it on once more. Nothing. Bottomless black pit. A few flickers of light appeared from next to the on button, and then the website of Pirates appeared. And then died again in a slow motion.
Lifting my hand, I brought it down hard onto the screen, causing sparks to fly out from the wires behind it. Fire danced merrily in tiny flames on the already dirt covered carpet, as Will began to stomp on them to put them out. They burned out, leaving scorched marks on the carpet and a few ashes.
"Damn," I said, not looking up. "Them sparks was always a fire haz-"
And then everything went black.
---
I opened my eyes to the seeping sunlight from between my eyelids. Groaning, I sat up from the soft sand on which I was sprawled on and looked around. It wasn't at all surprising when I saw that the settings had changed. It was sunny outside, the sky a perfect blue and gently tides of ocean water lapped at the tips of my feet.
This was a damn horror movie.
---
Lip Balm: Thank you, review and come again.
Jack: YARR. Don't forget yer snippets o' me precious sails.
Lip Balm: Yes, and you each get a kiss..
Fan girls: ON THE LIPS?! :O :O :O
Lip Balm: Sure. [Takes out basket of Hershey Kiss chocolates and grins] Sorry, mates. But all the kisses are saved for me..and Elise. Maybe. If she doesn't kill him for layin' a hand on her.
Jack: YOU MEAN I GET TO LAY A HAND ON HER? [Drool]
Lip Balm: Pathetic, ain't it? Yes..yes. In a later time. MUCH later.
Jack: Oh. Oh well…don't forget yer reviews. And here [Hands one snippet of his sails to a fan girl who faints] …take the chocolate and sails and bloody leave.