Chance Or Choice – Chapter XVI

"I can't see the stars anymore, living here
Let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear
Bring on the wonder
We got it all wrong
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long"

- Bring on the Wonder, Susan Enan

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I remember the first time I faced a Blue Dragon. I remember it through the thick haze of doubt in my mind, left by the constant use of Guardian Forces. I remember it even though it's been repressed by my mind, and I remember it just as clearly as..

It was night. It was cold. I was twelve.

I was just a simple cadet back then. Depressingly quiet and never amused, as Quistis would put it. We were traveling with a few other SeeD's in the Trabian wilderness on a land search mission. Two Trabian recon soldiers had gone missing and Garden had been asked to look for them. So Cid sent out a team, with a few young cadets attached. It was our first away mission, from Balamb. Our first exposure to dangerous creatures that did more than spray acid in your face.

... the way you looked at me. Like you would never see me again.

Zell was in my team. So was Quistis. The three of us were huddled together by a fallen tree, it's branches acting like a small ice cavern, sucking the heat from our bodies. I could barely see the four SeeD cadets in front of us, trying to contact Garden or Trabia. We were lost and had no idea how to get home. The frozen Trabian forest would become our grave. I wasn't scared; I knew that the cold had a soothing effect once it sapped enough of your strength from you. From then on it was like falling into a cold sleep, until you died. I was looking on the bright side; at least we weren't getting mauled to death by Snow Lions. Zell was crying. Quistis wasn't doing anything. She had tried to comfort him but, maybe she realized how hopeless it all was. Maybe she knew she was going to die.
I personally wouldn't like my last moment to consist of comforting a crying child. Well, back then I didn't.

It had come slowly, as if all this time it had been watching like an amused cat following it's prey. It came from the undergrowth, sliding towards us. Snow lifted up under it's wings like dust, sprinkling the air. Bright blue skin drifted out of the unknown darkness, the sparkling ice shimmering with every beat of it's wings. It's long and slender neck arched like a swan as it bared it's razor sharp teeth at us. It would have looked beautiful.

If it wasn't there to kill us.

A cloud of red followed, spraying all over the snow, staining it. The trees around us took on a more deadly appeal. Their sinister branches dripped with blood. The dead SeeD cadet dropped to ground, his hands still trying to hold his intestines inside his body. I had reached for my Gunblade then, and Quistis was already standing, whip by her side, determination on her face.

That night the three of us had killed a Blue Dragon. We had stood alone, facing off against the deadliest creature we had ever seen, in a place we didn't belong. With death literally staring us in faces - we had survived to see our home again. It wasn't the fact that we had killed it, not really, it was the fact that survived at all. When all the odds were against us, we lived. It was one of those rare occasions where we would look at each other from across the room, or across a classroom or a quad – and know what each other were feeling. We could understand the hidden message. The change.

Was it our value of life in general? Did our disposition on life and death change that night?

Cindy groaned and rolled her head back. Her beanie slid off her head her hair tumbled out onto the snow. She hadn't moved in nearly an hour. I was beginning to feel scared for her. On the outside it just seemed as she had broken a few ribs and broken an arm but … how could I be sure? I couldn't. I lifted her head so I could see her better and reached out to put the beanie back on. Her eyes snapped open.

"It's okay", she whispered. I stopped, frozen. An awkward expression on my face. Her eyes was extremely bright all of a sudden.

"What is ... the beanie?"

"No silly, this - everything. It's okay."

I let my arm drop and casually wrapped it around her. She wasn't shivering anymore, thankfully so I curiously laid my head upon her chest to listen to her heartbeat. It was stronger than the last time I checked. A good sign. I felt her body move as she chuckled.

"You did all this so you get close to my chest didn't you?"

I could feel my cheeks burning, even in the blistering cold, as I instantly sat up and looked away. Habit nearly forced my to defend myself but I couldn't hide my smile as I folded my arms.

"You're impossible..." I whispered. She laughed and then stopped suddenly when it hurt too much. I faced her once again, worried all over again.

"What do you mean; it's all going to be okay? Did you suddenly have an epiphany while you were laying there or did you realize where you buried a radio all those years ago?" I asked her.

She smiled again and tried to wriggle an arm out of the many layers I had wrapped around her. I felt my self warming just by seeing her smile like that again. Like she used to before we came out here. Carefully I helped her sit up and let her arms loose. Her broken arm rested uselessly over her midsection. She took in a few icy breaths and relaxed against a fallen tree log. I let my eyes wander down to her side and placed my hand over where her rib was cracked and watched her eyes water as I pressed down slightly.

"It's really swollen." I said, trying not to sound too negative. She grinned through the tears and slowly placed her own hand over mine.

"It hurts," she said, "But I'll be alright. We've been trained to deal with a lot worse, remember? This is nothing compared to everything else. It's nothing compared to..." She stopped as a sharp pain made her draw in a deep breath and she squeeze my hand tightly. I moved closer to her and took both of her hands in mine. Her eyes were clenched shut.
"Nothing compared to what we've both gone through." I finished for her, nodding slightly. She relaxed a little, but kept her eyes closed.

"I'm just saying ... we'll get out of here. Miracles still happen Mr. Leonhart. We can survive this."

"I suppose so ..." I sighed. "I'm just worried about you. I can't tell if there's anything else wrong with you unless we get back to the garden. I'm afraid to carry you there incase I end up hurting you - and besides, I'm too weak to do even that much."

She whispered her agreement and then slowly looked up at the pitch black sky. Tiny snowflakes were falling down from the infinite black abyss. They were like large white dust particles, swirling softly with the breeze.

"Squall," she started, "I need to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Do you still love her?"

I blinked. What? Rinoa?

"I...uh," I stumbled with my words, "I guess I ... don't really ... yes. I do. I really think I do." I shifted my weight and balled a lump of snow in my hand. "She was a really large part of my life, in the short amount of time she was here. So I can't really ... stop loving someone who was able to love me like she did."

It was true. Every time I thought about the word 'Rinoa' and the person behind it, a flood of emotions surged through me like a tidal wave. I couldn't deny that I still loved her. We had been through too much together.

Cindy nodded slowly and blinked her eyes a few times. They looked watery. I placed a hand on her shoulder and gently shook her. She finally looked at me. It wasn't the smile like before and it wasn't a look of pain. This time it was something else and I honestly couldn't pin point it.

"Why?" I asked her.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The white mist from her breath whirled around her for a moment and then disappeared.

"Because I needed to know ... where I stood, I guess."

"Where you stood?"

She looked down at my hand resting on her shoulder and traced it up my arm until finally looking me in the eyes again.

"Where I stand with you. I think I'm in love with you Squall - and that scares me."

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It was almost as if she had never left. Well – almost.

Her and Squall's little shared house in Balamb still smelt the same, looked the same and felt the same. Her key still even fit the lock, she noted. A part of her had thought he would have changed the locks on her.

She placed her bag and coat down on the couch and slowly wandered around the living room, lightly touching the surfaces of every object with the tips of her fingers. It felt good to be back. Back to familiarity. Back home. Simple things like a shade lamp and a small blue pen sitting on the wooden stand by the T.V; made her smile. Even the feel of the carpet on her feet was lovely.

It was a few minutes however, before she noticed the bookshelves. All empty. Save for a few SeeD manuals. What had he done with them? Some of them had been hers…

It was no matter. It wasn't an issue. So a few books were missing, that didn't mean –

Her foot stepped on something that squeaked and she jumped back suddenly, alarmed by not only the strange noise but by the feel of it. She looked down and saw that it was a toy. A little plastic, blue octopus that squeaked when pressed down. She bent down and picked it up. What would a child's toy be doing here? She carefully placed on the kitchen counter, as if it were some foreign object – poisonous to the touch.

It was amazing to be home… but was actually her home anymore?

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Author's Note: Amazing. Three years – and I've updated. I bet none of my old reviewers would have seen this coming, hmm?

I don't write Fan fiction anymore – but I just couldn't leave this one alone. It was so much fun to write back then and I want to do it some justice by finishing it. Mind you, it's going to be an uphill struggle … but we'll get there.  I plan on editing some previous chapters as my grammar back then was just, well, appalling. I was cringing a few times as I read back over the chapters.

If you're an old reviewer – I thank you for taking the time to read this new chapter, which is so grossly overdue.

If you're new to this – have faith! I will update a little more regularly than three years.

Till then, thank you and adieu!