Disclaimer: Do I look unbelievably rich? No. Do I have to work for minimum
wage in a dollar store? Yes. Do I still live with my parents? Yes.
Conclusion: I don't own Harry Potter. P
Notes: Random idea that I thought would be funny. I have no idea where this is going. Maybe it won't. We'll see. I haven't read OotP yet, so this is AU and set around Halloween in the Trio's fifth year. I live with nine cats, therefore, I write about cats. I mean, come on, who doesn't wonder what a cat would say if he could talk?
br buIf Cats Could Talk/u/bbr
-This can not be good,-the student thought as she peered cautiously around a corner. When she saw no one in sight she scampered forward and jumped behind a suit of armor, who was indifferent to her presence. -Have to get to the dungeons... Man, I'm so expelled! But I can't stay like this. Better a human and expelled than a cat forever.-
The student peeked her head out from behind the armor and strained her ears for any signs of Filch coming. Filch finding her was probably worse than being expelled.
She knew she shouldn't have become an Animagus like she had, but she really couldn't resist. She had always wanted to become an Animagus, and when she was graduated from Hogwarts she would go and register herself. But for the meantime she skulked around Hogwarts at night, with none the wiser. Then she got stuck. And that was very very bad. Because now she had to go confess to her illegal activities if she ever wanted to become unstuck and human again. And that meant going to her head of house.
Severus Snape.
She trembled just thinking about how furious he would be. Especially since she was a seventh year and really should know better. -Curse my rotten luck,- she muttered to herself. -Well, off I go.- And she bounded down the long corridor as quickly as she could.
***
Hermione Granger was curled up in a soft armchair in the Gryffindor common room, watching her two best friends scramble to do homework that was due in the morning. On her lap curled Crookshanks, watching the boys' quills scurry across the parchment rapidly. Hermione snorted in disgust.
"Honestly! You two had a week to do this, a week! If you had even started it the night we got the assignment, you wouldn't have nearly the pressure you do now," she stated.
"Oh, shut-up Hermione," Ron muttered absently.
"Don't take your frustrations out on me, this is your fault. If you hadn't procrastinated for so long..." She ran a hand down Crookshank's back. The cat was fairly entranced by the movement of the two quills by now.
"Yeah, we're in the Procrastinator's Club, you know," Ron said, looking up from his essay. "We were going to have a meeting, but it got put off."
"Oh, ha ha." Hermione rolled her eyes. Harry smiled at his friends' banter. Crookshanks finally leapt off of his mistress's lap and landed on Ron's parchment, smearing ink everywhere and attacking his quill. "Crookshanks! No!"
"Get off you rotten monster!" Ron shoved the large cat off, who trotted off with Ron's quill in his jaws and tail held high. "You ruined my essay! Two hours of work gone! Gone!" Hermione looked at the paper to see if anything could be salvaged, but the parchment was one big inky smudge.
"Crookshanks didn't mean it, did you Crookshanks?" she asked her cat, who tossed the quill up in the air and batted it back down playfully.
"Oh I'm sure he didn't!" Ron cried. "He doesn't care, look at him!"
"He just thought your quill was prey. He was just being a cat," Hermione cried back defensively.
Ron snorted and folded his arms. Harry sighed and sat up. "You can copy mine, Ron. Let it go." Ron shook his head, glaring at the innocent-looking cat batting his quill around.
"It was a malicious act," Ron declared.
"It was not!" Hermione retorted.
"How do you know?"
"I just do!"
"Prove it!"
"Fine!" She scooped up Crookshanks and marched off to the girls' dormitories. The cat looked over her shoulder at Ron, and grinned a cat-ish grin.
***
The next morning came and the seventh-year Slytherin trapped in a cat Animagus form still hadn't gotten to Snape's office. On the bright side, she was in the dungeons. She hadn't gotten very far, however, until she came across Peeves doing some mischief while singing loudly and very annoyingly. She ducked into a dark niche in the wall with a torch sconce, but no torch. Her midnight fur hid her from the poltergeist's view until he was well past, and then Filch had come by, hot on Peeves' trail, and decided the floor looked dirty and needed to be mopped.
All night it went like that, and she finally fell asleep hidden in her little niche until the student hustle and bustle of the new day awoke her.
She waited patiently until the coast was clear, and slunk forward, keeping low and to the wall and approached a turn. She looked cautiously around the bend and saw Professor Snape at the far end of the hall, talking to one of the students. -Finally!- she thought and rushed forward to confront the potion's master.
"Hello kitty!"
-Oh no...-
A pair of arms circled her belly and lifted her off the floor. She twisted and struggled, but the arms were insistent. She glanced over her shoulder to see who had caught her and glared into the face of one of the fifth years' face. She recognized the pointed face and slicked back white-blonde hair of Draco Malfoy.
Personally, she wasn't that fond of him. Which was why she felt no remorse at sticking her claws into his offending arms.
"Ow! Watch it, cat!"
-Watch yourself, little- Ah man! Snape's gone!- She slumped as the Potion's Master swept into his office and Malfoy took it as a cue to tote her away to the Slytherin dorms. In her mind she imagined flaying Malfoy alive over hot coals and felt marginally better.
***
It didn't take long for Hermione to find an appropriate spell once she got into the library and sat down to concentrate. The tome was old and dusty, but still legible. She flipped through its pages quickly and efficiently until she came across a likely spell to aid her in her quest. The top of the page was adorned with the words "Beast Speech".
She smiled and took the book to check out.
Back in the Gryffindor common room she set the book up on an unoccupied table and set Crookshanks beside that. The room wasn't terribly crowded for a Saturday. It was nice enough that most of the other students were outside enjoying the weather. Harry and Ron watched her curiously as she drew a diagram around Crookshanks in washable chalk and referred back to the book, muttering to herself.
"Watcha doin' 'Mione?" Ron asked.
"You'll see." Ron didn't bother to respond. He knew he wasn't going to get an answer. Hermione finally took out her wand and pointed it at her cat. Crookshanks promptly began to groom himself, ignoring the proceedings. "Imperius affor!" Crookshanks' tail swiped across the diagram, as a bright light shot out of her wand and struck her cat.
There was a resounding keening sound for a few moments, and the very air seemed to vibrate. When everything finally settled down, everyone looked over at Hermione.
"Well that was good," Crookshanks muttered sarcastically.
~*~*~*~
Notes: Random idea that I thought would be funny. I have no idea where this is going. Maybe it won't. We'll see. I haven't read OotP yet, so this is AU and set around Halloween in the Trio's fifth year. I live with nine cats, therefore, I write about cats. I mean, come on, who doesn't wonder what a cat would say if he could talk?
br buIf Cats Could Talk/u/bbr
-This can not be good,-the student thought as she peered cautiously around a corner. When she saw no one in sight she scampered forward and jumped behind a suit of armor, who was indifferent to her presence. -Have to get to the dungeons... Man, I'm so expelled! But I can't stay like this. Better a human and expelled than a cat forever.-
The student peeked her head out from behind the armor and strained her ears for any signs of Filch coming. Filch finding her was probably worse than being expelled.
She knew she shouldn't have become an Animagus like she had, but she really couldn't resist. She had always wanted to become an Animagus, and when she was graduated from Hogwarts she would go and register herself. But for the meantime she skulked around Hogwarts at night, with none the wiser. Then she got stuck. And that was very very bad. Because now she had to go confess to her illegal activities if she ever wanted to become unstuck and human again. And that meant going to her head of house.
Severus Snape.
She trembled just thinking about how furious he would be. Especially since she was a seventh year and really should know better. -Curse my rotten luck,- she muttered to herself. -Well, off I go.- And she bounded down the long corridor as quickly as she could.
***
Hermione Granger was curled up in a soft armchair in the Gryffindor common room, watching her two best friends scramble to do homework that was due in the morning. On her lap curled Crookshanks, watching the boys' quills scurry across the parchment rapidly. Hermione snorted in disgust.
"Honestly! You two had a week to do this, a week! If you had even started it the night we got the assignment, you wouldn't have nearly the pressure you do now," she stated.
"Oh, shut-up Hermione," Ron muttered absently.
"Don't take your frustrations out on me, this is your fault. If you hadn't procrastinated for so long..." She ran a hand down Crookshank's back. The cat was fairly entranced by the movement of the two quills by now.
"Yeah, we're in the Procrastinator's Club, you know," Ron said, looking up from his essay. "We were going to have a meeting, but it got put off."
"Oh, ha ha." Hermione rolled her eyes. Harry smiled at his friends' banter. Crookshanks finally leapt off of his mistress's lap and landed on Ron's parchment, smearing ink everywhere and attacking his quill. "Crookshanks! No!"
"Get off you rotten monster!" Ron shoved the large cat off, who trotted off with Ron's quill in his jaws and tail held high. "You ruined my essay! Two hours of work gone! Gone!" Hermione looked at the paper to see if anything could be salvaged, but the parchment was one big inky smudge.
"Crookshanks didn't mean it, did you Crookshanks?" she asked her cat, who tossed the quill up in the air and batted it back down playfully.
"Oh I'm sure he didn't!" Ron cried. "He doesn't care, look at him!"
"He just thought your quill was prey. He was just being a cat," Hermione cried back defensively.
Ron snorted and folded his arms. Harry sighed and sat up. "You can copy mine, Ron. Let it go." Ron shook his head, glaring at the innocent-looking cat batting his quill around.
"It was a malicious act," Ron declared.
"It was not!" Hermione retorted.
"How do you know?"
"I just do!"
"Prove it!"
"Fine!" She scooped up Crookshanks and marched off to the girls' dormitories. The cat looked over her shoulder at Ron, and grinned a cat-ish grin.
***
The next morning came and the seventh-year Slytherin trapped in a cat Animagus form still hadn't gotten to Snape's office. On the bright side, she was in the dungeons. She hadn't gotten very far, however, until she came across Peeves doing some mischief while singing loudly and very annoyingly. She ducked into a dark niche in the wall with a torch sconce, but no torch. Her midnight fur hid her from the poltergeist's view until he was well past, and then Filch had come by, hot on Peeves' trail, and decided the floor looked dirty and needed to be mopped.
All night it went like that, and she finally fell asleep hidden in her little niche until the student hustle and bustle of the new day awoke her.
She waited patiently until the coast was clear, and slunk forward, keeping low and to the wall and approached a turn. She looked cautiously around the bend and saw Professor Snape at the far end of the hall, talking to one of the students. -Finally!- she thought and rushed forward to confront the potion's master.
"Hello kitty!"
-Oh no...-
A pair of arms circled her belly and lifted her off the floor. She twisted and struggled, but the arms were insistent. She glanced over her shoulder to see who had caught her and glared into the face of one of the fifth years' face. She recognized the pointed face and slicked back white-blonde hair of Draco Malfoy.
Personally, she wasn't that fond of him. Which was why she felt no remorse at sticking her claws into his offending arms.
"Ow! Watch it, cat!"
-Watch yourself, little- Ah man! Snape's gone!- She slumped as the Potion's Master swept into his office and Malfoy took it as a cue to tote her away to the Slytherin dorms. In her mind she imagined flaying Malfoy alive over hot coals and felt marginally better.
***
It didn't take long for Hermione to find an appropriate spell once she got into the library and sat down to concentrate. The tome was old and dusty, but still legible. She flipped through its pages quickly and efficiently until she came across a likely spell to aid her in her quest. The top of the page was adorned with the words "Beast Speech".
She smiled and took the book to check out.
Back in the Gryffindor common room she set the book up on an unoccupied table and set Crookshanks beside that. The room wasn't terribly crowded for a Saturday. It was nice enough that most of the other students were outside enjoying the weather. Harry and Ron watched her curiously as she drew a diagram around Crookshanks in washable chalk and referred back to the book, muttering to herself.
"Watcha doin' 'Mione?" Ron asked.
"You'll see." Ron didn't bother to respond. He knew he wasn't going to get an answer. Hermione finally took out her wand and pointed it at her cat. Crookshanks promptly began to groom himself, ignoring the proceedings. "Imperius affor!" Crookshanks' tail swiped across the diagram, as a bright light shot out of her wand and struck her cat.
There was a resounding keening sound for a few moments, and the very air seemed to vibrate. When everything finally settled down, everyone looked over at Hermione.
"Well that was good," Crookshanks muttered sarcastically.
~*~*~*~