REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)
CHAPTER 12
"Well, I hope you're all proud of yourselves," Hermione spat out at the witches and wizards of the Order who sat before her, and who now hung their heads low in shame refusing to make eye contact with her, "you ambushed, kidnapped and imprisoned a 15-year-old wizard. And not just any wizard... no... it was Harry." A lump began to form in her throat and tears welled up in her eyes, "it was Harry," she said again al almost a whisper. She looked up at the ceiling to stop herself from crying and to gather her thoughts, but it worked for neither, and instead she directed her vision and her fists into the table. "I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now!! And it's your fault, all of you!!" Those words had been the final blow and the room fell silent.
Ron was there too, by the wall, being held back by two members of the Order. When Lupin had confessed to the whole thing being his idea, Ron had lunged at him, wanting to hurt him, badly. But to his great misfortune he was stopped, and was still continuing to be held back.
Then they heard a voice, Harry's voice, coming from upstairs. There wasn't just anger in his voice, but hate as well, and every word was like a slap in the face to all those who deserved it. What he said was short, but spoke volumes. He hated them, all of them, and they'd lost his trust forever. Guilt overcame everyone in the room except Hermione and Ron who had had no part in it.
"I want to go see him," Hermione ordered, "take me to see him." One of the Order members looked up at Hermione, though all of them were much older than Hermione, they wee all also scared of her, the member who looked up gathered all their courage to speak to her.
"Um, well, that may not be such a great idea. See, like you said, he's probably very angry and who knows how-"
"NOW!!" Hermione yelled and everyone jumped, everyone except Ron, whose gaze was still fixed loathingly on Lupin.
"Alright." Lupin finally said after his long silence, then he walked over to where Hermione was. Ron struggled to get free from the wizards restraining him when Lupin came near, but was unable to. Lupin and Hermione were now looking each other straight in the eyes. "I'll take you to go see him," he said, speaking first, "but if he does anything to try to get out or hurt either of you-"
"I won't blame him." Hermione interrupted condescendingly; Lupin continued.
"If he does anything, I'm pulling you both out of there, I don't care if you've only been in there one minute."
"Fine."
"Follow me then." Lupin began to walk towards the stairs, Hermione followed.
"Get your hands off me!!" Ron yelled at those who held him back, pulling his arms away from them, when following closely behind Hermione. It seemed that the more they went up the stairs, the more the air around them grew colder. And although Hermione would never admit to it, she was scared of how Harry would react as well. Lupin stopped at the first door at the top of the stairs.
"This is it." He said. Hermione knew it couldn't be that easy to get in and out of the room, there had to be a spell on it.
"Open the door." She said looking at him. Lupin frowned, then stepped forward and removed the spell from the door. He looked back at her to make it evident that the door was now unlocked, and then stepped away from her. Hermione turned her sight to the door and slowly reached her hand toward the knob. She had come up those stairs with such confidence, but her fear of the unknown and unexpected began to overcome her. Her heart pounded in her chest and her hand stopped just before it had reached the doorknob.
"Not that easy is it." Lupin said from behind her; Ron took it as an insult.
"Shut Up!!" he yelled as he shoved Lupin backwards, then he stepped closer to Hermione so he was right behind her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and leaned forward to speak right into her ear. "Don't worry," he said quietly, "he won't do anything to you, you had no part in this. And if he does, I'll be right there." Hermione's confidence built once more at his words and she reached forward, turned the knob, and opened the door.
Cold air rushed toward them and darkness overcame them as they stepped into the room. Hermione half hoped that is was the wrong room, that Harry wasn't in there but she saw movement and heard an all to familiar voice.
"Leave me alone," the voice said, "I don't feel like having any visitors right now." His voice sounded a little different, but only as far as the emotion behind it.
"Harry?" she said stepping away from Ron. The person on the bed turned to look at her. It is Harry, she thought. But it was more of a disappointment than a relief. Nonetheless she happy to see him. "Harry," she continued, "are you alright?" For a moment he just looked at her, examining her, almost as if he was trying to figure out who she was.
"Hermione?" he finally said, but he still looked at her as if she was a stranger. She didn't care though, she was just happy to be acknowledged. Slowly Harry got out of bed and stood up before her. She took a moment to really look at him, his face had cuts and bruised on it, his eyes seemed empty and emotionless, and his expression was one of someone who had given up. It hurt her to see him like this, so empty, so cold, it was almost too much to bear. She shot forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, crying, almost unable to speak.
"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry they did this to you, I'm so sorry. But you have to believe me I had nothing to do with this, if I could have stopped them I would have, but I couldn't, I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Harry, I'm sorry." She held onto him tightly, wanting him to react, do something to show he was still there, but nothing. His arms stayed at his side, still where he stood before Hermione had hugged him, his gaze set blankly on the floor.
"We didn't even know this had happened until about an hour ago." Said Ron from behind Hermione, closing the door. "Lupin said he had to go it, but he's a damn liar, he just got desperate. I'm sure you went through hell last night, of all people, you didn't deserve that." He didn't know what else to say, Harry still wasn't reacting to them being there, none of what they said seemed to effect him at all. Hermione still had a tight grasp on Harry; afraid he would disappear again if she let go.
"Could you please let go of me." Harry said in an emotionless tone. She kept a hold on him for a moment longer, then let go taking a step back towards Ron. Harry didn't look at them, he just took a few steps to the bed and sat on the edge looking down. No one said anything for a few minutes, then Hermione spoke up.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" she said.
"No."
"Are you hungry? Do you want me to tell them to-"
"I'm not hungry."
"Well, is there anything else you want us to do?" He didn't answer, but Hermione waited for one anyway, he had to want something. She walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, looking up at his face. "Harry." She said trying to look in his eyes, but he moved his gaze to avoid hers. "Harry, look at me." He ignored her request, but she persisted, "look at me." He took a silent breath in and out then slowly met her eyes. She gave a small smile and said, "Harry, we're here to help you, what can we do?"
"Nothing."
"There's nothing we could-?"
"No. Nothing you'd be able to do anyway."
"Come on, Harry." Said Ron, "There has to be something-"
"No." Once again Harry's eyes left Hermione's, and went back to the floor. But she kept her eyes fixed on him, longing to help in some way, to make some of his problems go away.
She reached out and grabbed his hand gently. "Harry, I-"but he pulled his hand away. She paused trying not to be hurt by it, thinking about all he had been through, "I know you've been through a lot, you've had such a hard life and I'm not even going to pretend that I know how that feels, but Harry, I promise you. I promise, things will get better." His eyes shot back and met hers. He was showing an emotion now, anger.
"Better!?!" he yelled at her, standing up. She stood up too and took a step back, "Better?!? Do you know how many times I've had people tell me things are going to get better?!?" With every other word he took a step toward her, and she took a step back. At his last word she hit the wall, "well, they didn't get better, did they!! THEY GOT WORSE!!" Ron shot towards him and pulled him but his right arm away from her.
"Leave her alone, she was just trying to help you!"
"Well, it didn't work!!" Harry yelled, shoving Ron away from him. Ron was ready to retaliate until he saw Harry close his eyes tightly and hold his right arm, the arm Ron had just grabbed tightly. They both could see Harry was in pain as he turned away from them, and hunched forward, still holding his arm. Hermione walked over to him and reached for his arm, but he pulled away.
"Let me see your arm." She said, and for a moment he just stared her in the eyes, trying to intimidate her, then let go of his arm to let her look at it. She reached out again and gently held his arm, slowly pulling up the sleeve of the cloak he was still wearing. What she saw shocked her and she let out a quick gasp. His arm was covered in large bruises and looked swollen. Where it wasn't bruised there were cuts and dark red marks from his arm hitting something. On the top of his hand was a large gash, but it must have been a while ago that he had gotten it since it was healed slightly. She shook her head slowly as she looked it over. "Can you move it?" she asked.
"Yes." He replied and pulled his arm away from her.
"You should have a healer look at that."
"I'll be fine." He went over and sat on the bed again as he had before. He didn't say anything, none of them did. Ron walked over to Hermione and whispered in her ear, "We should leave, he doesn't want us here, let's just –"
"Do you really want to help me?" Harry interrupted. They both looked up at him, surprised he was asking for help, even talking.
"Yes, Harry, whatever we can do to help, we'll do."
"You...you promise to consider it before you say no?"
"Yes we promise." Said Hermione; happy Harry was finally trying to reach out for half. He sat in silence for a moment, opening and closing his left hand, probably thinking about what he wanted.
"You-you can't just say no, you have to think about it first." He said, looking up into her eyes, desperation in his own eyes.
"Ok. I promise."
"I want you to," he started them took a deep breath in and out and looked down," I want you to kill me."
"What!?!" yelled Ron.
"No, Harry I could never!!" said Hermione at the same time.
"You promised you would at least consider it!!" Harry yelled, seeming angry that his request was shot down so quickly.
"Harry, I could never, in a million years think about killing you." Hermione had begum to cry again, at the request and the though of Harry dying at her hands.
"Why would you even think about asking us something like that!?!" Rom demanded to know.
"BECAUSE I HATE MY LIFE!!" He was on his feet looking at them both, "I hate having to see people I know or care about die because of me." His eyes glazed over and tears dropped down his cheek, "I hate how every year it just gets worse and worse!" His face had an expression of great sorrow, they had never seen him cry before, and now more than ever it showed just how much pain he was in, "And what I hate most of all," he continued, his voice was cracking from the lump in his throat, "is how at the end of all of it, I'm alone. There are people out there who want me dead," he wiped the tear from the side of his face, "Do you know how that feels? To have people who want you dead? And when I go home, there are people there, who are supposed to be my family, who if I did die, wouldn't care." He shut his eyes tightly and tilted his head down. He was crying so hard and fighting it so much it was almost impossible for him to talk. He sniffed and took a deep shaky breath to calm himself down and continue with what he had to say, "you have your happy homes with your loving families, and I have nothing, I have no one."
They couldn't argue with him, how could they, it was true. Every year when something happened, they got to go home to their families who loved them; Harry went home to people who hated him. There were things, secrets, kept from Harry that everyone seemed to know about except him. He had been spied on, stalked, lied to, and come so close to death that many were amazed he was still alive at all, and when things really got bad for him, almost the entire wizarding world turned against him. Poor Harry, Hermione thought, it must be so sad to feel so alone.
"Harry, you're not alone-"
"Could you please just go now." He said, looking up at the ceiling.
"No, Harry, we're not gonna leave, you shouldn't be alone right now."
"But I want to be alone, I'm use to it now"
"No you don't."
"Yes I do!!" he yelled, again trying to intimidate her into leaving, but she stared back at him without even flinching at his words.
"You say how alone you are, but whenever people do try to help you or get close to you, you push them away." She took a step toward him and looked him straight in the eyes even though he wasn't looking in hers. "But no matter how much you deny it, you're not alone. Even if it's just me and Ron, it's still something, still someone. We'll leave for now, but we'll come back later. I'll get you something to eat, ok?"
"I said I wasn't hungry."
"Fine, you can just stair at it then, but I don't want you to starve to death." She walked to him, gave him a quick one-sided hug, and walked over to the door. Ron stayed where he was for a moment, then walked to within a few feet of Harry.
"It IS good to see you again, though you're not in the best condition." Ron said, giving a quick laugh, "Nearly killed that damn Lupin when he said it was his idea, you should have see the look on his face when I went for him." He laughed again, he was trying to cheer Harry up a but but could tell he was failing. "Well, I'll see you again later. Try to get some rest while we're gone ok?" he finished, and gave Harry a quick pat on his left shoulder, then he walked over to the door where Hermione was waiting.
"You know why I don't let people get close to me?" Harry said suddenly from behind them, and they both turned to look at him. "It's because every time something gets close to me... they die. I don't want anyone else to die because of me, even if they're my enemy, I'm so sick of death."
They both just stared at him for a moment, then Ron turned the knob on the door and opened it. He held it open for Hermione, but she didn't move to leave the room, and kept looking at Harry.
"We'll come back to see you soon, ok?" she said, and Harry nodded once to show he understood, not looking at her. She slowly turned away from him and left the room with Ron right behind her.
"See you later, Harry." Ron said, and then he slowly began to close the door but just before it was completely shut, they both heard him say, "Goodbye."
And with a click of the door and a spell from Lupin, Harry was once again locked back in his own private prison, all alone.
***
Coming Eventually: Chapter 13
CHAPTER 12
"Well, I hope you're all proud of yourselves," Hermione spat out at the witches and wizards of the Order who sat before her, and who now hung their heads low in shame refusing to make eye contact with her, "you ambushed, kidnapped and imprisoned a 15-year-old wizard. And not just any wizard... no... it was Harry." A lump began to form in her throat and tears welled up in her eyes, "it was Harry," she said again al almost a whisper. She looked up at the ceiling to stop herself from crying and to gather her thoughts, but it worked for neither, and instead she directed her vision and her fists into the table. "I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now!! And it's your fault, all of you!!" Those words had been the final blow and the room fell silent.
Ron was there too, by the wall, being held back by two members of the Order. When Lupin had confessed to the whole thing being his idea, Ron had lunged at him, wanting to hurt him, badly. But to his great misfortune he was stopped, and was still continuing to be held back.
Then they heard a voice, Harry's voice, coming from upstairs. There wasn't just anger in his voice, but hate as well, and every word was like a slap in the face to all those who deserved it. What he said was short, but spoke volumes. He hated them, all of them, and they'd lost his trust forever. Guilt overcame everyone in the room except Hermione and Ron who had had no part in it.
"I want to go see him," Hermione ordered, "take me to see him." One of the Order members looked up at Hermione, though all of them were much older than Hermione, they wee all also scared of her, the member who looked up gathered all their courage to speak to her.
"Um, well, that may not be such a great idea. See, like you said, he's probably very angry and who knows how-"
"NOW!!" Hermione yelled and everyone jumped, everyone except Ron, whose gaze was still fixed loathingly on Lupin.
"Alright." Lupin finally said after his long silence, then he walked over to where Hermione was. Ron struggled to get free from the wizards restraining him when Lupin came near, but was unable to. Lupin and Hermione were now looking each other straight in the eyes. "I'll take you to go see him," he said, speaking first, "but if he does anything to try to get out or hurt either of you-"
"I won't blame him." Hermione interrupted condescendingly; Lupin continued.
"If he does anything, I'm pulling you both out of there, I don't care if you've only been in there one minute."
"Fine."
"Follow me then." Lupin began to walk towards the stairs, Hermione followed.
"Get your hands off me!!" Ron yelled at those who held him back, pulling his arms away from them, when following closely behind Hermione. It seemed that the more they went up the stairs, the more the air around them grew colder. And although Hermione would never admit to it, she was scared of how Harry would react as well. Lupin stopped at the first door at the top of the stairs.
"This is it." He said. Hermione knew it couldn't be that easy to get in and out of the room, there had to be a spell on it.
"Open the door." She said looking at him. Lupin frowned, then stepped forward and removed the spell from the door. He looked back at her to make it evident that the door was now unlocked, and then stepped away from her. Hermione turned her sight to the door and slowly reached her hand toward the knob. She had come up those stairs with such confidence, but her fear of the unknown and unexpected began to overcome her. Her heart pounded in her chest and her hand stopped just before it had reached the doorknob.
"Not that easy is it." Lupin said from behind her; Ron took it as an insult.
"Shut Up!!" he yelled as he shoved Lupin backwards, then he stepped closer to Hermione so he was right behind her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and leaned forward to speak right into her ear. "Don't worry," he said quietly, "he won't do anything to you, you had no part in this. And if he does, I'll be right there." Hermione's confidence built once more at his words and she reached forward, turned the knob, and opened the door.
Cold air rushed toward them and darkness overcame them as they stepped into the room. Hermione half hoped that is was the wrong room, that Harry wasn't in there but she saw movement and heard an all to familiar voice.
"Leave me alone," the voice said, "I don't feel like having any visitors right now." His voice sounded a little different, but only as far as the emotion behind it.
"Harry?" she said stepping away from Ron. The person on the bed turned to look at her. It is Harry, she thought. But it was more of a disappointment than a relief. Nonetheless she happy to see him. "Harry," she continued, "are you alright?" For a moment he just looked at her, examining her, almost as if he was trying to figure out who she was.
"Hermione?" he finally said, but he still looked at her as if she was a stranger. She didn't care though, she was just happy to be acknowledged. Slowly Harry got out of bed and stood up before her. She took a moment to really look at him, his face had cuts and bruised on it, his eyes seemed empty and emotionless, and his expression was one of someone who had given up. It hurt her to see him like this, so empty, so cold, it was almost too much to bear. She shot forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, crying, almost unable to speak.
"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry they did this to you, I'm so sorry. But you have to believe me I had nothing to do with this, if I could have stopped them I would have, but I couldn't, I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Harry, I'm sorry." She held onto him tightly, wanting him to react, do something to show he was still there, but nothing. His arms stayed at his side, still where he stood before Hermione had hugged him, his gaze set blankly on the floor.
"We didn't even know this had happened until about an hour ago." Said Ron from behind Hermione, closing the door. "Lupin said he had to go it, but he's a damn liar, he just got desperate. I'm sure you went through hell last night, of all people, you didn't deserve that." He didn't know what else to say, Harry still wasn't reacting to them being there, none of what they said seemed to effect him at all. Hermione still had a tight grasp on Harry; afraid he would disappear again if she let go.
"Could you please let go of me." Harry said in an emotionless tone. She kept a hold on him for a moment longer, then let go taking a step back towards Ron. Harry didn't look at them, he just took a few steps to the bed and sat on the edge looking down. No one said anything for a few minutes, then Hermione spoke up.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" she said.
"No."
"Are you hungry? Do you want me to tell them to-"
"I'm not hungry."
"Well, is there anything else you want us to do?" He didn't answer, but Hermione waited for one anyway, he had to want something. She walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, looking up at his face. "Harry." She said trying to look in his eyes, but he moved his gaze to avoid hers. "Harry, look at me." He ignored her request, but she persisted, "look at me." He took a silent breath in and out then slowly met her eyes. She gave a small smile and said, "Harry, we're here to help you, what can we do?"
"Nothing."
"There's nothing we could-?"
"No. Nothing you'd be able to do anyway."
"Come on, Harry." Said Ron, "There has to be something-"
"No." Once again Harry's eyes left Hermione's, and went back to the floor. But she kept her eyes fixed on him, longing to help in some way, to make some of his problems go away.
She reached out and grabbed his hand gently. "Harry, I-"but he pulled his hand away. She paused trying not to be hurt by it, thinking about all he had been through, "I know you've been through a lot, you've had such a hard life and I'm not even going to pretend that I know how that feels, but Harry, I promise you. I promise, things will get better." His eyes shot back and met hers. He was showing an emotion now, anger.
"Better!?!" he yelled at her, standing up. She stood up too and took a step back, "Better?!? Do you know how many times I've had people tell me things are going to get better?!?" With every other word he took a step toward her, and she took a step back. At his last word she hit the wall, "well, they didn't get better, did they!! THEY GOT WORSE!!" Ron shot towards him and pulled him but his right arm away from her.
"Leave her alone, she was just trying to help you!"
"Well, it didn't work!!" Harry yelled, shoving Ron away from him. Ron was ready to retaliate until he saw Harry close his eyes tightly and hold his right arm, the arm Ron had just grabbed tightly. They both could see Harry was in pain as he turned away from them, and hunched forward, still holding his arm. Hermione walked over to him and reached for his arm, but he pulled away.
"Let me see your arm." She said, and for a moment he just stared her in the eyes, trying to intimidate her, then let go of his arm to let her look at it. She reached out again and gently held his arm, slowly pulling up the sleeve of the cloak he was still wearing. What she saw shocked her and she let out a quick gasp. His arm was covered in large bruises and looked swollen. Where it wasn't bruised there were cuts and dark red marks from his arm hitting something. On the top of his hand was a large gash, but it must have been a while ago that he had gotten it since it was healed slightly. She shook her head slowly as she looked it over. "Can you move it?" she asked.
"Yes." He replied and pulled his arm away from her.
"You should have a healer look at that."
"I'll be fine." He went over and sat on the bed again as he had before. He didn't say anything, none of them did. Ron walked over to Hermione and whispered in her ear, "We should leave, he doesn't want us here, let's just –"
"Do you really want to help me?" Harry interrupted. They both looked up at him, surprised he was asking for help, even talking.
"Yes, Harry, whatever we can do to help, we'll do."
"You...you promise to consider it before you say no?"
"Yes we promise." Said Hermione; happy Harry was finally trying to reach out for half. He sat in silence for a moment, opening and closing his left hand, probably thinking about what he wanted.
"You-you can't just say no, you have to think about it first." He said, looking up into her eyes, desperation in his own eyes.
"Ok. I promise."
"I want you to," he started them took a deep breath in and out and looked down," I want you to kill me."
"What!?!" yelled Ron.
"No, Harry I could never!!" said Hermione at the same time.
"You promised you would at least consider it!!" Harry yelled, seeming angry that his request was shot down so quickly.
"Harry, I could never, in a million years think about killing you." Hermione had begum to cry again, at the request and the though of Harry dying at her hands.
"Why would you even think about asking us something like that!?!" Rom demanded to know.
"BECAUSE I HATE MY LIFE!!" He was on his feet looking at them both, "I hate having to see people I know or care about die because of me." His eyes glazed over and tears dropped down his cheek, "I hate how every year it just gets worse and worse!" His face had an expression of great sorrow, they had never seen him cry before, and now more than ever it showed just how much pain he was in, "And what I hate most of all," he continued, his voice was cracking from the lump in his throat, "is how at the end of all of it, I'm alone. There are people out there who want me dead," he wiped the tear from the side of his face, "Do you know how that feels? To have people who want you dead? And when I go home, there are people there, who are supposed to be my family, who if I did die, wouldn't care." He shut his eyes tightly and tilted his head down. He was crying so hard and fighting it so much it was almost impossible for him to talk. He sniffed and took a deep shaky breath to calm himself down and continue with what he had to say, "you have your happy homes with your loving families, and I have nothing, I have no one."
They couldn't argue with him, how could they, it was true. Every year when something happened, they got to go home to their families who loved them; Harry went home to people who hated him. There were things, secrets, kept from Harry that everyone seemed to know about except him. He had been spied on, stalked, lied to, and come so close to death that many were amazed he was still alive at all, and when things really got bad for him, almost the entire wizarding world turned against him. Poor Harry, Hermione thought, it must be so sad to feel so alone.
"Harry, you're not alone-"
"Could you please just go now." He said, looking up at the ceiling.
"No, Harry, we're not gonna leave, you shouldn't be alone right now."
"But I want to be alone, I'm use to it now"
"No you don't."
"Yes I do!!" he yelled, again trying to intimidate her into leaving, but she stared back at him without even flinching at his words.
"You say how alone you are, but whenever people do try to help you or get close to you, you push them away." She took a step toward him and looked him straight in the eyes even though he wasn't looking in hers. "But no matter how much you deny it, you're not alone. Even if it's just me and Ron, it's still something, still someone. We'll leave for now, but we'll come back later. I'll get you something to eat, ok?"
"I said I wasn't hungry."
"Fine, you can just stair at it then, but I don't want you to starve to death." She walked to him, gave him a quick one-sided hug, and walked over to the door. Ron stayed where he was for a moment, then walked to within a few feet of Harry.
"It IS good to see you again, though you're not in the best condition." Ron said, giving a quick laugh, "Nearly killed that damn Lupin when he said it was his idea, you should have see the look on his face when I went for him." He laughed again, he was trying to cheer Harry up a but but could tell he was failing. "Well, I'll see you again later. Try to get some rest while we're gone ok?" he finished, and gave Harry a quick pat on his left shoulder, then he walked over to the door where Hermione was waiting.
"You know why I don't let people get close to me?" Harry said suddenly from behind them, and they both turned to look at him. "It's because every time something gets close to me... they die. I don't want anyone else to die because of me, even if they're my enemy, I'm so sick of death."
They both just stared at him for a moment, then Ron turned the knob on the door and opened it. He held it open for Hermione, but she didn't move to leave the room, and kept looking at Harry.
"We'll come back to see you soon, ok?" she said, and Harry nodded once to show he understood, not looking at her. She slowly turned away from him and left the room with Ron right behind her.
"See you later, Harry." Ron said, and then he slowly began to close the door but just before it was completely shut, they both heard him say, "Goodbye."
And with a click of the door and a spell from Lupin, Harry was once again locked back in his own private prison, all alone.
***
Coming Eventually: Chapter 13